Where is he when I need him?

[lady00]

Are things still progressing toward him moving out to where you are? If so, I would maybe just try to not pressure him if he is still committed to moving and then work on the relationship when he gets there. What you're going through is tough. I really have no answers for you as I don't have much experience with long distance relationships. I just think it's remarkable how strong you're being and how you are hanging in there. Good luck.

[never-too-late]

I managed to stay strong, to stay away from my phone. I had a computer class today and after that I checked my phone and he sent me a message asking me how I am and how is my new job.. I still haven't replied to him but I am happy he is the one who called first as I was really getting weak and wanted to send him a text but I really managed to stay strong.

[lady00]

That sounds good. It's good to let him contact you first. I am wondering...have you been able to step back at all and do a pro/con analysis of the relationship? I think it's something you will need to do at some point to figure out in your own mind if your bf is the best match for you. But it will take a good amount of emotional distance and objectivity.

[Karainbow]

Hiya!

 

Thank you for posting in my thread. I have juist read over your entire thread and found it extremely eye-opening and helpful.

 

Well done for all the progress you have made. It does sound like he genuinely cares about you alot. I know it is very difficult when contact is very limited, but whenever you contact him when deep down you think you shouldn't be, you feel terrible and beat yourself up about it for days. so carry on with what you are doing and wait for him to contact you first.

 

Also, have you ever read 'Men are from Mars, women are from venus?' and 'Men, women and relationshis' by John Gray? All of his books are extremely helpful and I highly recommend them. I think alot of your concerns and confusions will be answered in the pages of those books and tel you how to handle these sorts of situations.

 

Good luck.

[p_fred]

Glad to hear you are stronger now!

 

Go celebrate and do something just for you.

[never-too-late]

So I was happy he initiated the contact. I replied back to him and asked him how he is? He did not reply so I asked him the next day if he received my message as I did not a reply. He said he was fine. I asked him about his job situation and he said he still hasn't heard back and he has another job interview to go to next week. I told him that if he needs help from a friend of mine I know to let me know. Well, I had a weak moment afterwards and a few hours later, I sent him a message asking him if he had any plans during Easter that maybe we could meet. He sent me a message back saying he is going back home to see his family that weekend. So I asked him about hte weekend after, he sent me one back saying he is going home again as his dad has birthday. So I asked him about another weekend and he replied with " I don't know, we will see." I did not react to it although I felt upset. I did not say anything back and left it. Should I ask him maybe next week again? I worry he does not want to see me anymore?

[never-too-late]

Do you think it was wrong to ask him to meet up?

[Karainbow]

Well he knows that you want to meet up, so i think it's best to leave it up to him to arrange the next meeting. Dont worry about texting him about this, just wait for him to initiate again.

[savoie]

"Do you think it was wrong to ask him to meet up?"

 

no. how do you feel about his response?

 

edited to add: i see that you are worried he doesn't want to see you anymore. i know that i have asked you this numerous times - but are you happy? does it matter if he wants to see you? the bigger question is how long can you wait?

[Karainbow]

I agree with savoie. I am in the same situation as you and i am wondering how long I will wait. If things don't change for me soon, then I will start dating others because I cannot put my love life on hold for a long time when it might not work out anyway.

 

But, only you know what is best for you.

[savoie]

i decided to look up your previous posts.....because something wasn't sitting well with me. i see that you have been posting more or less the same subject since 2005. is this about the same guy - same relationship?

 

it would be one thing if you were married or with children - but you don't. have you ever lived in the same country as this man?

 

i have no comprehension why you choose to live with the sadness that you do. some people find comfort in misery and constantly seek the support of others. are you more comfortable when things turn to drama? it certainly appears that way. do you find yourself sabotaging relationships? that too - is another possibility.

 

i am going to be frank -but had i seen your 2 years of posts on this relationship i would not have spent the time that i have responding to this thread. i wonder if you all that you want is the attention here. if it is attention that you want - that is ok - just as i am entitled to my opinion of same - but it feels pretty manipulative - i wonder if your bf feels the same. its like you make him responsible for ALL of your emotions - and no one can deal with that. i don't know - your story is just too much poor poor me. i did feel bad for you - and i still do - but not because of your relationship - but for what YOU do to yourself.

 

i wish you luck - i think you should seek professional help.

[never-too-late]

He wrote to me and said he is sorry but he wants to be alone and he does not feel like talking. He said he is not sure about meeting me. I replied and I said that I know he wants to be alone and that it's ok and that I understand, I said to him that I would be happy to see him and do nice things for him like cook him a dinner and take care of him because I know how hard it is for him but it's ok if he says he prefers not to meet me. I wished him a good night out and a nice weekend.

 

I sent him a text this morning with times for trains for next weekend to go and see him, I told him to let me know whether I should book it or if he prefers I don't. I am still waiting for an answer.

[arniebuteft]

This man is causing you nothing but heartache, has this "relationship" of yours given you any happiness recently? Real, meaningful happiness, not just a fun moment or two sandwhiched between long periods of doubt and fear that you'll say the wrong thing and push him away? You're walking on eggshells around him. He does not sound particularly interested in you - you're doing all the work in this relationship to keep it going.

[never-too-late]

He told me yesterday morning that he is not motivated to continue, he gave me all possible reasons why he thinks we should stop our relationship. He said he is not excited about us anymore. He said he hates to say it but he says he cannot force himself to stay with me. He said he needs time to think and he will call me later this week to talk about this? He said he needs time to think before he calls.

 

i have not responded. I m feeling hurt and upset. i love him so much.

 

Anyway, why does he need time to think? Why does he want to call me talk aobut this?

[Karibo]

Is this the same guy you have been posting about for the past two years. If so, I think you should just end it because it is obvious you are miserable and you hardly ever see him anyway, and he isnt happy either.

[lady00]

I really think you have reached the end of the road. A relationship takes work but it shouldn't be a struggle like this. It should be fun and exciting and even after the "honeymoon" phase is over, it should be comfortable and loving. This suonds stressful and upsetting. I think you would be doing yourself and your bf a favor by ending things. Instead of breaking up once, you have been breaking up in stages and that is even more hurtful. He has basically already broken up with you by giving you reasons why he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Don't wait for him to have the final say. You will be dreading the moment he decides to talk to you. This shouldnt' be all about him and when he feels like talking. Your feelings are important too. It's time to put your foot down and put and end to this.

[arniebuteft]

Anyway, why does he need time to think? Why does he want to call me talk aobut this?

 

Better question, why should you care? This man doesn't hurt over you, but you sure are hurting over him. Do yourself a favor and get him out of your life - get busy with friends and family, do other things. He'll probably continue to string you along, if for nothing else than some occasional sex.

[Karibo]

This is a classic case of commitment phobia from both of you. He is creating a major obstacle to keep you at a distance, whilst you say you want nothing more than a happy, intimate relationship. You clearly don't, otherwise you wouldn't be settling for these crumbs which clearly are unhappy without intimacy. You stay in this relationship because it means you don't have to commit.

[never-too-late]

Wow it's amazing how is someone able to conclude such statement that we both are commitment phobics. I am not sure, maybe but then I don't think relationships are so easy to analyse and so easy to put in a category. Nothing is black and white.

 

So last week, I asked him if we could spend some time away from each other, where he can focus on himself, on his career change without worrying about me and I will concentrate on myself as I think I have lost myself in our relationship too much.

 

We agreed to spend a couple of next months focusing on ourselves. I said to him I will not contact him during this period and I will not affect his life. And we can talk again and then make a final decision. I think time away might give us time to calm down, think about things, gain some more clarity. He agreed. So instaed of making it a final end, we decided to spend some time apart.

 

I think it's a good idea as I have been already thinking this week how I must have dragged him down with my neediness whilst he was trying to focus on his job interviews...

 

What do you think?

[never-too-late]

Today it's our first week spent apart. I have been thinking a lot about us and I realised how needy I became with him. I realised that I focused too much on him rather than on myself. I think I lost myself too much in him. Do you think time away will help, will bring him back? I really miss him and I realise how suffocating it must have been for him? I did not give him the chance.. I was always the first one to rush to him, to inititate the contact, to inititate all meetings, I never let him to come to me. I can see it now more clearly while I am not emotionally blinded.

[karvala]

Let me put it this way: I don't know if time away will bring him back, but I do know that time not away won't bring him back. In that sense, you're doing the right thing.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much over how you were; towards the end of the relationship, *you* were the one making an enormous effort to meet his needs, and he was the one making zero effort to meet yours. Yes, you were maybe a bit needy earlier on, and having been on the other side of the fence, you've now seen how much that can drive someone away, but you did all you could to fix that.

 

Give yourself some peace now, find a life without him for the time being, and see if it doesn't actually turn out to be even nicer. And then, just then, ***maybe*** he will want to try again. But by that point, you may not even care that much, and that will be the best liberation you can imagine.

[never-too-late]

Thanks. I think I will never stop caring for him. I really want to save this and that's why I really hope some time apart will help. I am already seeing a lot things that could have been damaging our relationship. I just hope that he will give us that chance..

[Insidious1]

I;ve been reading your thread for a little while and been trying to think of a god explaination for all of it. Or maybe some comforting words....

 

Truth is... its a HARD situation. I DO believe he cares about you. Even as a guy... no matter how much we pretend to NOT care or how much of a scumbag we are.... there is a part of us that still cares! But i DON"T think he wants to be in a relationship with you anymore. ATLEAST not at the moment...

 

The distance thing is a double-edged sword though.... Too much distance will only cause one to forget (atleast for the time being....) and move on. Too little distance will only PUSH that person away. It seems like you might have done the latter of the two... You were pretty needy and that can turn off someone who is in that "i don't know if i want this relationship anymore" state. Its hard to know JUST how much space to give someone. Some might say leave them alone for good! You must do the NC thing! PERIOD!". I agree and dissagree. I think NC is GREAT.... but it is MORE for YOU to heal. The constant reminder of the other person makes things EXTREMELY hard. It just so happens that the NC will sometimes cause the other person to re-think the loss the of the relationship. EACH AND EVERY situation is different! But one thing IS universal... Its hard to miss something thats ALWAYS there!

 

Thats what i am going through RIGHT now! I just told my EX of 2 years that i know why and how she msut of felt and that i am sorry and i would do anything to be with her. I even told her that i had bought her an engagement ring just weeks before the breakup...

 

Now is time for me to (as you had told me Never_To_Late) to sit back and let her digest this. It may or may not be a good response. We may or not not end up getting back together in the long run... but either way.. i will keep my head high (as hard as that may be!)

 

I'd have to say the same for you. I haven't read EVERY post in here (LOL.. its 21 pages long!) but take this..... Maybe it IS best for a little more space. Let him know hwo you feel, but pull away. DO NOT suffocate him! NOT so much to get him back... but more for YOURSELF so you can function and be happy with or without him. I KNOW it sucks!!!! TRUST ME! But it might work out better in the long run. You can;t force anyone into anything they don't want to do.... And right now, from what you said, he doesn't want to be with you. Take those couple months off but DO NOT expect to get back together. That doesn't mean you WONT be together.. it just means to expect the worse. If he is truly done with the realtionship nothing you CAN do will change that. Maybe a couple months from now you'll feel TONS better and think "wow... i care about him a lot... but such is life."

 

You seem like a VERY sweet person! I think you have A LOT to offer someone in a relationship... Maybe (even though you don't think so or WANT to think so..) there is someone out there who things might work out better with. Love is hard and it takes working at..... But you need TWO people to make it work.

 

A quote i like is "Love is not a feeling or emotion.... but is a decision made from the heart". You chose to love him and put forth your effort. Right now he is in a different place. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. I would leave off with something nice to tell him..... but don't get too mushy. Trust me, HE KNOWS that you care! Don't go over-board!

 

Take this time for you and i wish you the BEST! Come on here and vent and talk.. but don't keep texting and calling him.

[never-too-late]

I am feeling pretty blue today I dont want to make any mistakes, thereforeeee, I decided to come here to ask for some help!

 

It's been 21 days since my boyfriend and I last spoke. It's been 3 weeks since we agreed that we will not have any contact for a couple of months in order to focus on ourselves and see how we feel.

 

The thing is as much as I have been focusing on myself, made progress in my career, I miss him terribly. I honestly realise over and over again that I love him, noone else. I am worried that he has moved on, he has met someone else, and he has forgotten all about me and I am feeling pretty sad about that.

 

I asked my housemate, who was the one advising me to ask for this break, if I should contact my boyfriend. My housemate told me that I should wait some more time and maybe send him a small message a week later. However, a week later will be only a month since our agreement?!

 

I am not sure what to do to be honest. I am not sure whether to stick to 2 months with making no contact, or whether to send him a message a week later, or whether to just not contact him at all and wait if he makes the first move??! because he was the one ready to leave the relationship completely. In the end if he agreed instead of making it a final break up to have a break, spend some time away from each other.

 

Please tell me what do you think? Thanks.

[lady00]

I think you should stick to what you agreed to. He hasn't forgotten you. Yes, he may have met someone else but he probably does miss you regardless of whether or not he has met anyone else. Just wait it out and see what happens. A person won't miss you if you contact them to say "hey, i'm still around, don't forget about me!" but they will if you are completely silent. Also, go and meet other people. You are allowed to date during this time right?