Where is he when I need him?

[catren]

Of course you're missing him - that's normal. But, he's asked you not to call him until he calls you. Trust me, as light and breezy and comforting as you may plan to be when you call, he will resent it. If there is any hope for you 2, you need to resist.

 

Just think "through" the call. Imagine calling him, what his reaction will be, how the conversation will likely go, the things you won't be able to keep yourself from saying, how the call will end and, most of all, how you will feel MUCH worse than you do right now.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi Never Too Late,

 

I have been reading your posts with interest and strangely, I have been almost at the point of jumping off my seat, seeeing the way you and your bf/ex have behaved!

 

Please forgive me for saying this but I feel like giving you a swift slap and a booty!!! Seriously...

 

However, your posts remind me of myself, and how I reacted towards my bf (then ex) a few months ago. He said he needed space too, and I disrespected his needs by texting/calling and emailing him. To me I was seeing red, it seemed un-natural that he should want space from me, after all, we were together for 3 years. He was having career troubles too (still is) and was greatly unhappy. Unfortunately one day after I pushed him like crazy he asked to meet me and plainly said "I don't think we should be together".

 

It hit me like a bombshell. It really did.

 

But then, only after a few months of having NO CONTACT whatsever I realised that I did disrespect him, and I did contact him stupidly when my friends judged our rels, and I did think about him 24/7 when I was alone, and thought it was unfair that we were apart.

 

And I realised that if I LEFT HIM ALONE in the first place, in stead of going nuts, he would have come back when he sorted himself out and we would have been fine. Instead I pushed him to be so annoyed with my neediness and insecurities, that he did not want a future with me.

 

This is what you have been doing lately. I'm sorry to say it, but read back to your posts and tell me what you see. Desperation and neediness.

 

You must be secure within yourself. This is what your bf/ex wants from you. He needs to know that if he does NOT CONTACT you, you WILL be able to be STRONG and LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

 

Ultimately, no one wants to go out with someone who is NOT emotionally strong and who does NOT have their own independance.

 

Please leave him alone before he resents you for not understanding him. Please read back to all your posts and see if you understand what I mean. Please start using this time away from him to figure your life out.

 

Hugs x

[catren]

How are you doing NTL?

[never-too-late]

Hi everyone,

 

thanks for your replies and your suppor! I really appreciate it.

 

Well, I managed not to contact him, not to initate any conversation with him. I was at work today very busy.. and suddenly I looked at my phone and there was a message from him. He normally calls me by sweet names but today he called me by name. He asked me if I am ok and he asked me if he can come to my city on Friday and he put kisses at the end. Prior to our fight when he asked for silence, he told me that he will be coming to my country this weekend so we did arrange to spend the weekend together. However, I was worried that he might not come to see me because of the situation. But he did ask me today.

 

I have not replied yet, I am not quite sure how? I know I should not ask anything about us or the relationship but I really want to? But at the same time, I don't want to spoil this again.

 

So I will meet him this Friday, which is in 2 days. What do you think I should say to him? I mean how should I reply? and how should I be with him on Friday? I don't want to push him away again? Do you think he called me by my name because he does not see me as his love anymore?

[catren]

STOP OVERTHINKING!!! You need to reply very calmly and say you're looking forward to this weekend. If you had called him in the past 6 days, he would probably have cancelled this weekend.

 

Continue to show him that you can give him the space he is looking for without pressure. Thats includes this weekend - IF you want this to work.

 

Do not reead anything into anything. Just wait for this weekend and let HIM take the lead.

[lady00]

I agree with Catren. Try to take it easy.

 

Maybe think of it as you would if you were dating someone new that you are excited about meeting and getting to know. View it as a date. Don't put too much pressure on the situation. And most of all, have fun. Don't bring up the relationship. If he does, let him talk, let him vent, let him get upset if need be. Be supportive. Sometimes letting someone get out their feelings without judging them or criticizing them can be the best thing you can do for them.

 

Hopefully this will be fun for you both. If I were you I would focus on reducing the tension. Make your response easy, breezy. Follow his lead but maybe take it a notch down. Instead of kisses, maybe put a smiley face and say something like "Sounds great. See you then!" When he gets there and you meet, try to keep things light...joke, laugh, have fun. Enjoy each other. Good luck!

[never-too-late]

Thanks for your advice. Well, I did not reply straight away. I was downstairs preparing myself some fodd and when I got upstairs, there was another message. He asked me if I could reply to him tonight otherwise he would have to arrange another place to stay. I think he must have been worried that I am angry and I am ignoring him after what he had told me? So I replied and told him that I am sorry I could not reply earlier but sure he can come to stay and to let me know when. He replied and said that he will let me know the time.

 

I replied a couple of hours later and told him that that's fine and I am looking forward to seeing him. I think I actually made a mistake to say that because I am not secure at all about what he is thinking. Now I feel like he thinks that he can just tell me to be silent and I immediately tell him that I am looking forward to being with him. He does not need to win me back in any way and he will now definitely take me for granted. He will see me as a girl who is always waiting for him when he is ready. I think I should not have said that because moreover he did not reply to that at all. So that shows me that he does not feel the same way and he does not appreciate me at all and he is not showing me in any way that he is happy to see me or that he loves me. I wish I never sent that message to him, I should have just said to him that it's fine for him to come and but I shouldn't have made myself vulnarable again by showing him feelings.

 

Especially now that he is not saying back at all that he is looking forward to seeing me too.

[Mavis VDSande]

Never Too Late.

 

I really think that you're thinking TOO much about the situation. It has come to the point where you are not yourself anymore, you are like a rabbit caught in the headlights and all you know is that you are scared to death of your bf leaving you.

 

You must relax. You must trust that whatever happens, it will happen for the best. You must not feel bad about texting your bf or feel like he is playing you around. Reading your posts it seems like he is genuinely having a bad time, and sure sometimes guys need space to sort their stuff out. Even my bf disappears for days on end without contacting me. It does not mean he does not love me, for I know he is unhappy about his situation at the moment.

 

You must stop for a second and look at yourself and your life right now. You are NOT HAPPY. You sound very distressed. But what is it that is making you so unhappy? Do you not trust your bf? Do you feel that if he left you your world would fall apart? Do you feel that there is no happiness without him?

 

You must take this time to think about what is it that is making you feel so angry, hurt and upset. Right now, your bf needs your support. I know he is hurting you, but it's not about you and your rels. It's about you both being a team on the same side and coming through this.

 

I repeat. It is NOT about how he's mistreating you. It is not about you. It's about you both being a team to get through this. Now what do teammates do? They SUPPORT each other.

 

Now, are you supporting your bf? I think not. You are too scared. You are trying to save your feelings by grabbing any form of reasurrance from him that he loves you. This is not the way forward. He needs a strong and independent gf now.

 

Are you the gf for him?

 

If you are, please be strong - we are here to help you.

[lady00]

Wow. You are so hard on yourself! You did great. Really you did not show any vulnerability by saying you are looking forward to seeing him! That is a manner of speaking people use all the time. You are reading too much into your own words because of how you feel. I think you really need to work on being happy and taking things more lightly with regard to him. If you are down and worn out, it will show and it won't help things. Try to keep an upbeat outlook. Try to think positively.

 

By not replying right away the first time it showed your life does not revolve around him. He was probably a bit surprised that you didn't jump all over it and reply immediately. That's good. He needs to know you have other things to do and other things going on that matter to you, that you aren't just sitting around waiting for him. If you keep up that attitude, he will not be able to take you for granted. Good luck! Let us know how the meeting goes.

[Mavis VDSande]

When you see him this weekend you must remember that you want to help and support him. In this I mean DO NOT ASK HIM WHERE YOU STAND IN THE RELS - DO NOT ASK HIM TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU - DO NOT BADGER HIM AT ALL ABOUT YOUR RELS.

 

Someone told me on this forum that quality matters more than quantity. So let the quality of your interaction come through this weekend. Do not pressure your bf, let him know that you can be a strong best friend for him as well as his gf. Show him that you can support him.

 

I won't lie to you - it sounds like if you pressure him anymore he'll turn around and say he doesn't want to be in a rels with you.

 

Remember you said you keep wanting it to be like when you first met? It can be! But when you are unhappy it comes through in your appearance, behaviour and mood. He can sense that you are unhappy and it's making him feel uncomfortable.

 

You must act positive and keep a positive outlook. And slowly slowly you can have as much fun as you both had a few years ago.

 

Hugs x

[Mavis VDSande]

Sorry if I sound like I'm having a rant!! It's just that I went through the exact same things and I know exactly how you feel.

 

I just wanted to add - it's ok to show your feelings, don't feel bad. But please don't show your insecurities and fear.

 

Also some guys like to feel that their gf can be like their best friends sometimes, it eases the pressure of having to be the "man".

[savoie]

i understand your frustration.....and this is easier said than done.....but if i were in your shoes, i would rather give to him 100% of my supportive self right now when he has asked for it as opposed to giving him exactly what he doesn't want and feel like i pushed him away. even if the relationship ends, you will know you gave him what he asked for - time and understanding. if the relationship ends - it will still hurt - but you won't have as many questions in your mind. so ask yourself, if this relationship ends then what will give me the peace i need to move on? what will eliminate the what if's in my mind?

 

as long as you are trying to improve your relationship, try not to operate from your ego. egotistical actions are motivated by fear and anger not love. you are trying to protect yourself - but from what? from the future? from the present? why? because he is stressed? because he seems different? how many miles are between you? if you no longer trust him - you need to think hard about that.

 

i am not suggesting that this relationship is doomed. but it seems to me that you might want to consider a time limit on how long you will continue on this one way street. you are beginning to resent him - which is normal considering how tied up your emotions are with his behavior. a time limit need not be expressed to him -but when you sense you can't take it anymore - then make a decision that is right for you.....don't force him to make it for you.

 

i hope that you are able to have a good time together this weekend. but try to let your heart and mind really see and accept the reality of the situation. he may love you very much but work has him highly distracted. it may also be that he is ready to move on.

[never-too-late]

ok, I will try to be calm this weekend and I will try not to bring up the relationship talk. However, I worry if he comes and he will act distant with me how to handle it without bringing it up or asking for reassurance?

 

Still he did not reply to my message when I said I look forward to seeing him.

 

Tomorrow is the day with D.

[catren]

Do NOT ask for reassurance - that is the one thing guaranteed to drive him away. Please play it cool. If I had done that, I think things would have turned out differently. Now my relationship is over - you still have a chance. I wish I had found this website at the same stage you're in. You can still possibly salvage this.

[never-too-late]

the thing is I don't want to ask him for reassurance but then I worry that we will meet, spend the weekend together, being intimate as we always are and then he will go back to his place and we will be distant again? I will then worry if we have a real relationship?

[catren]

Until he tells you it's over, he still in it.

[never-too-late]

Yes but surely after being silent for so long if I make love to him I will have all these questions about us? I just really want us to be like before but we are not.

[lady00]

Yes but surely after being silent for so long if I make love to him I will have all these questions about us? I just really want us to be like before but we are not.

 

Only do what you are comfortable with. If I were in you shoes, I wouldn't want to jump right back into bed with this guy although I would be up for talking and cuddling. You might want to take things slowly. I think sex might put undue pressure on the situation.

[Lady Bugg]

NTL....

 

I'm going out on a limb here..and disagree with what everyone else is saying. This guy sounds like an insensitive , self centered * * * * *. Sorry for the language....but I think it is time you grew a spine and not only kicked him to the curb....but do it WITHOUT TELLING HIM. Don't do NC...just disappear and start living your life with somene who is WILLING to communicate with you!!!! YOU are NOT a robot dammit...you are a HUMAN being with emotions and feelings for this person. If that's too much for HIM to bear..then HE is NOT the person for you..PERIOD. Stop twisting yourself, your emotions, your feelings in a pretzel to pacify HIM. What about YOU?????? What has he done to assure YOU??? NOTHING............he won't even RESPOND to you........

GOD that ticks me off. He is asking you to do all this stuff because of how HE feels...yetI ahve not ONCE read where he has reassured you..or tried to make YOU feel better..in ANY way.

 

Please................please ..please.....consider ditching this guy.

It just sounds like WAYYYY too much work.

[catren]

Lady Bugg, I couldn't take it easy. I agree, I could not be a robot and play it cool while my ex was questioning everything and not able to give me any reassurance. Reassurance that I basically begged for. I agree he was very insensitive and I'm probably well rid of him.

 

So, NTL, do what you have to do. But, if he is on the edge of leaving, pushing him will probably give him the nudge over. But,then, why should you turn yourself into a pretzel trying not to "upset" him.

 

Relationships....ugh.

[savoie]

i agree too ladybugg. but she is not ready to give up. i agree that he is behaving totally insensitively. but i don't know the entire story either. it is possible that he is extemely stressed for work related reasons as she has mentioned. that combined with a long distance relationship and the OP emotionally clinging to him could be pushing him further - he is maxed - can't take anymore. neither can she. it is all very sad if they really do want each other. i have said it before, but i do question their compatibility where working through problems is concerned. they seem to have two entirely different EXTREME approaches. He very much withdraws and she very much clings and gets emotional. polar opposites.

 

so - if the OP is not ready to leave the relationship - i suggest that she chill out while she is with him this weekend. (not saying that i could do it) but perhaps she needs to learn to be less emotional.......i don't know - only she knows.

 

but i do agree that she needs to be herself. pretending to be something she isn't - is not going to help them in the long run.

 

good luck this weekend. i hope you can reach a level of peace with this one way or another.

[catren]

Hey NTL, you're probably with your guy now - hope it's going well.

[catren]

Hey NTL, give us an update when you get a chance. Crossing my fingers that things went well.

[never-too-late]

Thanks a lot for your concern. Well, things went kind of 50/50. I am not quite sure where I am right now with this relationship and I am not quite sure what to do.

 

anyway, he came on Friday and he was ok but not overly excited. I did not expect him to be after the problems but it's true that I deep inside wished he would. However, I think we both felt very nervous.

 

So Friday went ok. On Saturday we were fine at first but then he brought up the topic. He said that he is basically really tired of everything, he is tired of the arguments and fights, he said that he thinks if a couple is meant to be, they should only spend great moments together and in our case we don't. He said that he spoke to his friend about this and he is not basically happy with our relationship. He said that too many problems have happened between us. He told me he had to tell me how he feels.

 

So on Saturday it was not easy at all to hear this. Anyway, yesterday he told me he has two interviews to go to today so i told him i respect it and I let him focus. We spent a nice day in the end actually and things were fine. However, when he was leaving today, he seemed distant. He did not say anything, he kissed me and said to me "see you". I thought he will tell me that he is ending it but he said that. I was strong enough and did not ask him anything about us, I just wished him good luck and told him that I was happy to see him.

 

anyway, he has just texted me that he is done with his interviews and he feels relieved. However, he has not mentioned anything about us. I feel like I lost him actually.

 

Any idea what should I do now?

[Openheart1]

Good job, sit back and let him come to you. He still feels comfortable with you. Just relax.