Where is he when I need him?

[lady00]

I agree with what others have said: try to keep yourself occupied and don't call him this week. My bf recently asked me for space to figure out some things. He reminds me a bit of your bf because he's thinking a lot about work/career stuff and he is very ambitious and it's really important to him to put 100% of himself into all of his committments...so it's hard for him to find a balance between that and us. I also feel the same tension within myself.

 

At first, I panicked and I wasn't understanding at all. Then I apologized and told him I wanted to be with him and to take the space he needed. Well, I can tell you that within a few days of my giving him space and fully supporting him, he was calling, asking my friends where I was etc. I think the space is helping us both find a better balance between our relationship and our other committments and it's also helping us appreciate each other more. I am enjoying getting back to the other things in my life more fully. Of course, I still talk to my bf but I let him call me rather than the other way around and I'm focused on just not putting any pressure on him and just meeting all of my other committments. We're also going to talk about us this week so we're not avoiding the issue...just giving each other space. It sounds like in your situation you need to do something similar. Don't call him...let him come to you...and try not to panic or put any pressure on him.

 

Try to take this week as a time to reflect, think about what you want, work out etc and just really focus on the things in your life that don't have to do with your boyfriend. Good luck with everything!

[never-too-late]

Hello,

 

I do appreciate all your replies.

 

Last night I did not contact him, I decided to focus on my job applications. I am also in a situation where I need to find myself a better job as I have quit my old one. I felt stronger. However, whenever I start thinking about us again, it's as if these sad and insecure feelings come up.

 

I did not contact him today again. a friend of mine is coming tonight so that will keep me away from my phone.

 

However, one thing I do not understand is what my boyfriend might be thinking now? He sounded yesterday pretty fed up of me calling him every day asking me what is going on. So now that I am staying away, does he not worry? I just wonder what might be going through his mind now that I am not contacting him? I am just so worried of loosing him

 

The thing is he has been angry with me for the last few days as I have not left him alone and I became needy and worried and really insecure wanting him to reassure me. I am very happy he is coming here this weekend but I worry that it's late? I worry that he sees me now as this girl, who cannot respect his wishes and who is always needy of him and I worry that he will tell me that he wants be alone completely?

 

I want to have a talk with him this weekend but at the same time I know that our relationship is so fragile at the moment, I just worry it might go all wrong?

[lady00]

Well you can't change your past behavior so try not to think about that (I know, it's hard). I think you should focus more on the fact that you're doing the right thing right now. You're respecting his space. So while he may have been turned off by your past behavior...when he comes to visit, he will have just seen how you respect what he wants and understand that you may have been coming off as too needy and changed your behavior as a result of his request. People respond best I think when others show through their actions that they care and respect them. I think that is exactly what you're doing right now. So, give yourself some credit for making that decision. All you can do now is try to keep your mind off of him and deal with the situation when he comes to visit. Keep doing whatever it is you are doing that makes you not call him. It's great that your focusing your energy on your job search. No matter what happens later you'll probably be glad you did. Hang out with friends, continue to work on the job search, go to the gym etc...all productive things that will help you get through this week. It's hard in the first couple days but it will probably get easier and if you think about it you don't have to wait that long to talk this over with your bf so just try your best to do whatever you can to stop from calling.

 

And stop beating yourself up about your past behavior because I can tell you frome experience and from discussing my own situation with my good friends and my bf...your reaction was not out of the ordinary. Of course you would panic and feel hurt. But what matters is that after this initial reaction, you have changed the way you act. So continue doing what you're doing. I wish you the best of luck!

[never-too-late]

I received a message today from my boyfriend. He did not call me my love as he normally does.. he called me by name. He said that if I wanted to meet him before the interview or after the interview and meet some of his friends he is meeting before coming to my town to see me that I can come up.

 

I have not replied yet because I am not quite sure what to do after so many days of trouble? I did tell him that I did not see myself as being important for him if he had arranged to meet up with his friends the day before meeting me. And now he sent me this message, which I am really surprised about?

 

What do you think I should do? And why is he calling me by name?

[never-too-late]

I want to go there but I feel so insecure right now? But at the same time, I feel he is trying to please me?

[savoie]

sorry you are having such a hard time with this. I know how hard it is to not analyze every little thing he says and/or writes. But you really need to try to keep your mind from wondering. You can't really control what is going on right now. Just make sure that he makes the time for you so that the two of you have some alone time. See how your encounter goes. Unless his body language and words are totally different toward you as compared to normal - then try your best to keep your time together light and stress free. If he seems different then use your best judgment on how to bring up your relationship changes. I do think if he is radically different then you are probably going to need some answers.

 

Good luck with everything and take care. Hopefully you will get more feedback on how to handle this in a way that is best for you.

 

edited for typos

[never-too-late]

I left it for a day and today I sent him an email telling him that it's nice of him to ask his friends if I can stay. I told him that I would like to but I will also understand if he prefers being alone with them and to let me know. I wanted to give him the space to choose but also to show him that it would be nice to be there with him.

 

He still has not responded yet. We are so distant now..

[never-too-late]

He has just sent me a message back saying that of course he wants me to come on Friday to meet him and spend the evening with him and his friends! He said that he has so much work this week and still has to work tonight after work.. I said that I wish him good luck and I think of him.

 

The situation has calmed down but I still need that talk with him about our situation? The thing is at the same time I don't want to spoil the weekend.. I know how sensitive the issue is. However, I want to be sure we can talk about it..

 

What do you think? Do you think he mentioned to me that he has so much work to kind of indirectly reassure me and maybe apologise without saying sorry that he is so busy with work? and that I don't need to worry about us?

[never-too-late]

Oh and do you think I should ask him if he wants to see someone else? I don't want to sound desparate?

[Wandering_Sword]

With all these things weighing down your mind, I suggest backing off for your own good. He's asking for some space, respect that. Like some of the others said, he's the one that's holding the cards. And I wouldn't bother with talking about him "possibly" seeing someone else, you will aggravate the situation, unless that's what you want. Just leave him be, it is hard but you're going to have to go against the heart on this one and listen to the brain and his wishes.

But if you must you must (talking to him about this stuff)...

Good luck and we're here for you

[savoie]

i agree with wandering sword - especially the part about listening to your brain over your heart right now. it's difficult to stay rational when you have that urge to react out of emotion. you cannot control the situation right now and if you do attempt to control it you are not likely to get the response that you hope for. you love him right? it is next to impossible to love unconditionally in romantic love because we love them in this way as long as they do right by us yes? as i said before, he has given you no reason to doubt him. he is stressed with work. so show him that you love him and support him through this period. even in the worse case scenario where your relationship didn't survive ( and i am not suggesting that you hang on to relationship indefinitely that does not satisfy you) - but wouldn't you prefer to feel confident that you did the right thing instead of worrying that you might have pushed him away?

 

try to enjoy your time with him this weekend. but again - if you feel you can't withhold your feelings about this - then you have to make that call. besides - i wouldn't be on a breakup board if i was a relationship expert! just my two cents here - take it for what it is worth!

 

good luck and keep posting - i think it helps to air your thoughts.

[karvala]

I'll second all of the above; it's something I'm trying to do myself, so join me in the effort, never-too-late. We can have a back-off and be supportive competition; LOL.

 

In short, when he's under stress from external factors, be a part of the solution as far as possible, and not part of the problem. Don't be something else he has to worry about, but instead be a pleasant distraction from the bad things.

 

I know well your feelings of anxiety about the relationship, his apparent backing off as it seems to you, and how you want him to reassure you that everything is okay, and he still loves you. I know well how you can't understand why he can't do it. But you can't change that, you can simply change how you appear to him, or the effect that you're likely to have on him, and hope that is enough for him to want to be with you. There will time enough later on for an earnest discussion where you hope to get your needs met. For now, keep him on side by being there for him as selflessly as possible in a very difficult situation for you.

[never-too-late]

Thank you all for your support and for being there.

 

I am hurt I don't know what to do

 

My boyfriend sent me a message tonight telling me that he is not sure what to do as his meeting has been postponed. It was planned for Friday afternoon and we were supposed to meet on Friday and spen the whole weekend together.

 

So I called him and asked him what he is going to do? He was irritable. He said that he does not know as he has just received the message. He said he is very tired as he worked these two last nights until 1 am. He was not in a mood to talk to me. I asked him if it means we will not meet, he said he is not sure if he can change the ticket. He said he will give me the answer tomorrow. I told him if he cannot come, I can go to see him. He said that I don't have a ticket and it will be too expensive. I told him that the prices are not expensive. He said he does not want to do that as he is too tired.. he said he will let me know tomorrow and then he finished the conversation with me and said good night.

 

What should I do? I feel he does not want me? He said he has only one thing on his mind now and that is his job problem.

[never-too-late]

He said he does not need or want to see me.. I am feeling so sad about this. He said to me that I still don't seem to understand him. He said he has to work so hard these days..

[never-too-late]

I really want to send him an email but I feel like I should not do it. He has been pushing me away for the last week more and more.. I feel like we are not together anymore and again I feel like the reason he said he does not want me to come over is because he might want to spend his free time with another girl? Am I just paranoid or what is going on?

[never-too-late]

The thing is I am just really worried that I am here thinking we are still together and he is there thinking we are broken up but I dont know about it?

[lady00]

Don't contact him...he is stressed out. That's no excuse, however, for his treatment of you. He could have at least said that he would love to see you but he just wasn't sure if he could make it out. It is concerning. But right now the best thing to do is just leave it alone. He said he would call you so just leave it at that. At some point you two will have to discuss your relationship but don't email him right now...just wait for him to call tomorrow.

 

My advice is if he can't make it down, just say okay and don't contact him further. If he wants to he will call you. If he doesn't then it would seem at that point that he's not willing to put in the effort required to keep the relationship going.

 

Right now he's taking out his stress on you and seeing you as an extra source of pressure in his life. Contacting him further will be perceived by his as more pressure and he won't respond well to it. Just try your best to keep your mind off him (I know, pretty much impossible, but do try) and let him contact you. In fact, if I were you I wouldn't contact him at all unless it is in response to a missed contact from him.

[never-too-late]

I made a mistake and emailed him

 

However, I tried to keep it calm and kind. I said to him that I know that it must be really hard for him these days as he has to work so hard. I told him that if he won't be able to come to see me this weekend, I checked train tickets and I could come and see him instead. I said that we don't have to do a lot, just relax. But I also told him that if he prefers for me not to, it's ok also.

 

I said that I am here for him if he needs.

 

Was it wrong of me to write it?

[SarahRose]

What about your feelings and needs in all of this? Why does his feelings and what he wants seem to be the only thing that is important?

 

Regardless of why he is doing these things, the affect is still the same. It is hurting you.

 

If he is so wishy washy about the trip, I would be tempted to say, "that is all well and good. You do what you need to do, I have made other plans" and then go silent.

 

He said he wanted space give it to him and then some or it is all at his convenience? He seems to be real sure you'll just be sitting around waiting for him when and if he decides anything.

[savoie]

i really feel for you. i know that this is painful for you. i agree with everything ellie, lady and sarah have written. he is completely self-absorbed right now and doesn't seem to be all that concerned with the impact that it is having on you or your relationship.

 

i think the email you sent was perfect. it probably made you feel better to offer words of support as well as an alternative to help you see each other. hopefully he appreciates your concern.

 

i would definitely backoff him for now. if you press him for a conversation about the relationship - it is very possible that he will make a rash decision. is that what you want? i would do my best to live your life for now - until this cloud over him blows over. but if you can't deal with him withdrawing from you the way he is - you can end it yourself. there really isn't an easy answer to this one. you either need to be patient with no guaranteed favorable outcome or press for answers now when he doesn't appear to have time to think about it.

 

hang in there......and pay attention to what is going on in your relationship right now. the way a couple communicates during difficult times - oftens makes or breaks a relationship. is it meeting YOUR NEEDS? are you satisfied? is this the type of person you want when times get tough?

[never-too-late]

He has just sent me a message telling me he could not change his ticket so he will see me tomorrow. I am glad for it as I think going to see him could have complicated things. However, I am at the same time worried that he will stay cold and distant? I want help the situation this weekend but I am not quite sure how? I worry that if he stays cold and distant this whole weekend that we will end up talking about it and things might end up in a bad way? I just cannot understand how could he become so cold and distant with me. Maybe I have not given him enough space. But I so want to ask him if it means that he does not want to be with me anymore and he is no longer interested? However, from the past, I know how our talks have become a main reason for him to distance himself from me.

[karvala]

Think back to when you were first together. Think back to when he has been happy with you. Think back to how *you* were at those times. It's an incredibly tough thing to do when you're feeling unwanted and worried about what is happening to the relationship, and can see someone seeming to slip away, but if you can, try to be like that again for him this weekend, and at least see what happens, how he reacts. You may even feel better for the effort.

[SarahRose]

I bet he won't turn the sex down this weekend. I wouldn't try to turn myself into a pretzel to try to please him. It would be pretty ballsy to tell him not to come as you need "your space". Please don't be this guys' doormat.

[ebsmith1]

Here's my story...see if you don't find some similarities. My ex and I practically lived together and in July he proposed. Very shortly after we had a small fight and he was going out of town. He was supposed to come to my house when he got home and I didn't hear from him. I called him and was freaking out with worry. He finally sent me an e-mail the next day and said that we needed to talk. He said that he panicked because of our fight and he needed some space. He said that he wanted to just leave our wedding date up in the air and start staying at his place more often. He said that he didn't want to ruin a three year relationship but that he needed to get his head on straight and maybe even see a therapist about his fear of commitment. He said he loved me and that he didn't want to break up with me or call of our engagement, but he just needed space. He also assured me that there was no one else. He also asked for me to give him his upcoming two week vacation as a vacation from us too. He didn't want to call or e-mail or anything, just wanted some space. So I gave it to him. Three days after he came back he broke up with me and three days after that I saw him with someone else whom he now lives with. I hope that this isn't the case for you, but it sounds like he's taking the cowards way out like my guy did. Don't be a doormat for this guy. Don't let him leave you in limbo!

[never-too-late]

Hello everyone,

 

just wanted to let you know how my weekend went as you all have been such a great support to me!

 

I met him on Friday afternoon and surprisingly he was the nicest guy ever. I expected him to be cold and distant but he wasn't. On contrary, he gave me a smile when we met, and then when we went to have something to eat, he kept holding my hand, giving me kisses, asking me about different things..I could not believe it. So I did not mention anything about the problem we had last week. I think this was his kind of apology for not being very attentive and nice.

 

Anyway, we then went to meet his friends and stayed with them all Friday. We had a great time. We were two couples and we were chatting a lot. I was so happy to be part of the evening. He then sat near me and was holding my hand in front of his friends. I felt amazing. And then he started to tell me how beautiful I look and how much he wants me.. anyway, we then went out to a bar 4 of us and we had so much fun. He was giving me compliments all night long. And he was paying attention to me a lot, which made me feel so great. I was worried he might be looking at other girls but he was not. He was sticking next to me all night.

 

Anyway, the next day we left his friends' place and went to my house. We were both quite tired as we did not go to bed till very late. He also had a very tiring week beforehand. And unfortunately here the problem started. I took it personally and suddenly got scared that he is no longer attentive. He said that it's not very nice what I am saying and that he is but he is just tired. So we went shopping, to get some food and then had a dinner and went to watch a movie. It was a good evening but I guess I had very high expectations of that evening. I wanted us to be romantic with candles and basically I wanted to be like 2 years ago. I guess I still sometimes live in the past, wanting the things back. I should have appreciated the efforts he was making this weekend but instead I started to cry. He could not understand and I told him that I need to talk. I need to discuss our relationship. He said to me that he wants to enjoy this weekend without having a discussion again. But I insisted and I did not let him rest. He kept telling me that he was distant last week because he needs to change his career. He said he realises that he did not choose the right words but he said that he was trying to make it up to me this weekend. But I kept crying and then he said "ok I can see that you are not happy at all. I have told you many times that I am very stressed at the moment with my job situation as I am not happy there at all. I have tried to explain to you how I have been feeling but you are still not happy. You still need to talk. And you are crying now. It does not make me feel good at all. So tomorrow when I leave, it will be for good. It's probably for the best, when I see you like this." I was devasted when I heard that. I suddenly realised that I should have been more careful with him this weekend and I shouldn't have stressed him out with relationship talk. I was really upset and sad and I told him many times that I am sorry and that I wanted us to be romantic. He said that we went to a cinema and if that's not enough then he cannot do anything. He said he has had so much stress with work and he could have been at home resting, not worrying about our relationship but he has made the efforts but it's for nothing as I cry anyway. He said he feels like a failure and he cannot continue this way as he feels very down and he suffers. So the whole night I was lying next to him, thinking to myself "If only I did not mention anything about us. If only, I just enjoyed the weekend. If only I did not cry demanding for more." I felt awful.

 

The next morning, he gave me a hug and I felt so happy for that. I could not describe the feeling. I thought I had lost him completely. But he gave me a hug and he touched me softly. I asked him if he is ok and if we are ok. He said "I don't know. When I see us like this, it makes me feel more and more sure that I am not the right guy for you as you always cry." I said to him that I did not want to cry, I just missed our old times. He said that I seem to be living in the past, instead of trying to consider our situation at the moment. He said that it's so fragile and I still keep pressing for things. He said he has so much stress at the moment with everything and the last thing he needs is to worry about us and me. I told him that I will give him the space he needs. He said he does not believe me anymore as I never respect what I say. I said I will let him focus and I will give him the space. He said he does not believe in it anymore and he said he is slowly loosing strength to fight for us.

 

Anyway, in the end, he told me that he honestly has a lot on his plate right now with his job. He said he needs some time to breathe. Some time apart. He said he does not feel very motivated right now to do a lot for us. He said he does not mean anything bad but he said that the way I react to him makes him feel very bad about himself and makes him feel too low. He said he has been trying to fix it for so long but the result is always the same. He said he wants to be alone and not to worry about us. I asked him if it means that he is leaving for good, he said he thinks it would be for the best but of course he is too afraid to throw away these 3 years. He said something has to change as he will not continue this way anymore as it is bringing him down too much. He said when he looks at other couples around him, they don't seem to have so many problems like us. I told him that I think it's also because of the distance and that once we get closer, it will get better. He said he does not believe in this anymore and that he is too afraid if we get closer, he said it should be a pleasure but for me it's a stress as I always have to reassure you, to make you feel better, to look after you, to take care of you, to prove all the time something to you and he said he is so tired of it as he has done this for too long.

 

So when we said good bye, he kissed me and he said to try to understand him how he feels. He said that he is not saying these things for nothing. He said "so see you".

 

What do you think? What should I do? Is it too late? Can I make him interested again? He used to be so energetic, motivated and interested. I feel like has lost it all.