Where is he when I need him?

[never-too-late]

Thanks everyone, I keep re-reading everything thinking how stupid I was to bring up the relationship, it was not the right timing but I thought maybe if it's a weekend, it should be better. But it was not, it only made things to go back to what it was and maybe even worse.

 

Well, as much as hard it has been, I told him yesterday that I will not bother him with things like that and I will let him focus and I have been trying hard not to call and not to text. It's only been a day but it feels ages, it feels like days. I have not heard from my boyfriend and it looks like it I will not for a long time. But I know I need to be strong. It just helps me so much to come here and to vent here instead of sending that message.

 

I am just always wondering how does it make him feel if I do not text. I really hope that after a few days I will hear from him but as I say a day to me seems like a week. it's so hard!!! and now it's even harder because he told me that I should realise that I am loosing him more and more, that makes it even harder now but at the same time it makes me stay away from the phone and it makes me realise that the situation is very fragile!

[Boxerlover]

Please try and keep strong I know it's really hard but try and let him miss you

Im going through hell at the moment and am on my third day of no contact and I really am trying to be strong.

[never-too-late]

I have managed to stay away from contacting him. It's a whole day. it feels so hard and it's scary worrying that he might not contact me for a long time. I hope I will manage my second day tomorrow.

[karvala]

You're doing terrifically well in very difficult circumstances. Hang on in there, one day at a time.

[LovelyPetal]

I kind of understand where he's coming from. I had a long distant relationship and it was so emotionally painful everytime I spoketo him on the phone or went somewhere where he couldn't be. I was at my happiest when I was with him and not benh with him was so painful and so in order for me to relieve the pain, it seemed sensible that I reduce the contact I had with when we were apart.It hurt him tremendously but to me I was trying to prevent the hurt I felt being apart from him. Don't know if it makes any sense?

[never-too-late]

Today is 2nd day with no contact. I feel stronger but I am getting worried about loosing him. I mean the last message he told me that I should realise I am loosing him more and more is making me worried. But that is the reason why I am trying to stick to no contact.

 

The thing is I really don't want him to think I don't care for him if I completely stay away from contacting him? If he is having a difficult time at work, should I not text him to ask him how his work is?

 

It's a bit difficult to know...

[lady00]

Today is 2nd day with no contact. I feel stronger but I am getting worried about loosing him. I mean the last message he told me that I should realise I am loosing him more and more is making me worried. But that is the reason why I am trying to stick to no contact.

 

The thing is I really don't want him to think I don't care for him if I completely stay away from contacting him? If he is having a difficult time at work, should I not text him to ask him how his work is?

 

It's a bit difficult to know...

 

I think he's expressed to you that he wants space...so for him it will be showing that you care if you don't talk to him. If he asks for space then doesn't think you care because you don't call then he's crazy, and it doesn't sound like he is. It sounds like he just needs time and space. You seem committed to him so stick it out. If you weren't so sure you wanted to be with him, I'd say you should leave if its too stressful...because after all, just because he wants space doesn't mean you have to wait around for him. If you wanted, you could break things off for good and move on. So, it's a two-way street. I know you feel trapped in some ways but you shouldn't. You really are free to do whatever you want to do if you choose to. You are even free to ignore his wishes but that of course would be a bad idea. What I mean to say is, don't consider yourself tied down. If you are unhappy and would be happier without him completely then you are free to leave. But it sounds like you really want things to work out, so hang in there and respect his wishes. You are doing well. Don't be too hard on yourself. People tend to panic when someone asks for space...it's human nature. But you have to resist the urge to give into fear and panic as it will only make things worse.

[never-too-late]

I am loosing my hope I still have not heard from my boyfriend and it's been already 4 days. I want to send him a message but I am not sure if I should? I know you all say I should not and I would rather if he comes back on his own but what if he is still upset? I am getting worried about the situation again.

[never-too-late]

I am in tears

 

I sent him a message, just to ask how he is and if he has had any news about his interviews. I tried to keep it simple but this is what he replied:

 

You are talking to me as if everything is fine between us. You spend your time making me angry and after you realise, you apologise and then you expect me to just behave normally. and the biggest problem is that you always do this. even the few times we meet, it's always the same problem. I am really not sure about you anymore. I advise you to stay silent and to leave me alone and not to talk to me these days. I mean it. And one more thing, if the situation continues this way, I will not wait for you anymore even if we have decided to move closer. I don't think it will work because when we meet, we should spend only great moments as we don't meet often. So i can't even imagine how it would be like when we meet often. So now you stay silent till I decided to talk to you again but it won't be too soon. I am so disappointed with everything. I am pretty sure if we were made for each other, when we meet it would only be good times, which in our situation is not obviously the case. we spend our time fighting for silly things.

 

The thing is I don't think we are fighting. But he sees our disagreements as fighting. I am not contacting him anymore. I texted him today as I did not want him to think I am mean by not asking him about his work but I can see he is upset about our situation too much.

 

What do you think about this?

[lady00]

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this right now and that it's making you cry. I think you really need to reevaluate whether or not this relationship is worth the stress and the pain it is putting you both through. And to do that, you need to really stop contacting him, take time and space to think about what you want and give him the space he needs to think about what he wants. When someone asks for space and you don't allow it you are more than likely going to be perceived by them as the source of pain and discontent in their lives and they are likely to cut you off for good.

 

He asked for space several times, but you persisted in contacting him. Clearly this relationship isn't working for either of you as you both want and expect different things right now. The only thing you can do now is leave him alone...he's said exactly that and unless you are calling to break up (which I think you should seriously consider) then do not speak to him, period, about anything. If you do, I guarantee you he will end things for good. It already sounds like he's really close to it. You might want to pull the plug yourself if it's not working for you. It doesn't sound like you're really getting what you want or willing to give him what he wants so neither of you is happy. Give yourself a time frame, a relatively long one, to consider what to do. Even if he's coming to visit for a job interview perhaps it's not the right time to see each other. Perhaps you both need more space that that.

 

You really need to try to be less impatient with the situation. If you want this to work long term, you need to think less of your needs right now and more of your future and where you see and want the relationship going. Sorry this is really tough. I myself am very impatient when it comes to relationship and I always want things to go my way right now so even as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I'm asking you to do something that I myself would not be able to do which is to give someone I love space and not seek out their reassurance. It's really hard. All I can say is its easier for me to say that for you to do because I'm not in your position right now. But I will say this...I do think its the best route. Anyway, he has stressed that he wants to be left alone so the last thing you should do is contact him unless it is to break up.

[never-too-late]

Thanks for your support. I am going to stay silent as he asked for. However, I am just really asking myself why would he be so angry, why would he give me such a strong reaction? I feel pain in my stomach thinking about everything. He must be hurt from my message I sent him on Friday when I told him that we are loosing each other and I don't feel special and we don't seem to care about our relationship so much anymore? I am also getting worried if it means he has met someone else? I am so sad about everything. I know I should have respected him from the day 1 he told me he needs time to focus on himself as he is going through major career change and I did not listen, however, I thought sending him a message yesterday asking about his work will show him I care? It only seems to make things worse He now sees any contact I make bad.

[karvala]

I do feel for you, it's not at all an easy situation. Unfortunately, his message highlights exactly the reason I gave the second alternative to passive minimal contact in my previous post. He has clearly developed a pattern of controlling behaviour here that is reinforced by your efforts to give him what he wants. I found his message to you disrespectful, e.g. "So now you stay silent till I decided to talk to you again but it won't be too soon", and also unrealistic, e.g. "I am pretty sure if we were made for each other, when we meet it would only be good times".

 

Obviously if you still want to remain in this relationship, as you appear to do and I can entirely understand why, then you will, for the time being at least, have to go along with his demands now. But it is not laying a great foundation for the future. The best you can hope for is that he eventually realises that he does have good times with you, once you're allowed to be in touch enough to provide them, and develops some respect for you again, such that the relationship is no longer 100% about him, as it appears to be at the moment.

 

I wish I could give you a quick fix for this, or a way to survive the agonising waiting period that you are now in (distraction is undoubtedly the only thing to help with that, but difficult to make yourself distracted, I know), but there isn't any such thing here.

[peaceseeker]

Never-too-late

 

I haven't answered your thread before but I have been reading what has been going on for you. I'm so sorry for all the pain you must be feeling, I can imagine how frustrating and dreadful it must feel. I know you really love your boyfriend and want to be with him (and maybe that makes it hard to see the situation with objective eyes), but from the outside he doesn't seem to care how bad you are feeling right now. If you try to take a step back and look at what he has said and done......does he sound like some-one who really cares for YOU and not just all the stressful things that are happening in his life.

 

Please, please look out for yourself. It is possible that he feels powerful with the knowledge that you are there for him, no matter how vunerable he makes you feel. From what he said to you, it makes it seem that the problems between you are soley your fault.......that is not the case.

 

I am thinking of you and I hope that things get better for you very soon

[savoie]

i haven't replied in a while but i have been following your posts. i don't want to give you advice because everyone is different and ultimately you have to make a decision for yourself.

 

BUT - this is the way i see it. he wants space. he only says that this space is work related. you have been posting for a long time now and your frustration and sadness with respect the situation have not changed. the situation with his behavior has not changed. he knows that you are deeply hurt and, while it may be unreasonable, he doesn't understand why you are making this about you. yes, you are in a relationship. i would be hurt if my loved one was treating me this way - but he has said repeatedly that he doesn't have the time or the energy to deal with your emotions.

 

the reality is that you both are pushing each other away. it may be unintentional on both your parts - but that is what is happening. why? it may be incompatibility. you deal with stress entirely differently. you really need to look at the way he withdraws in times of pressure and decide FOR YOU if this is someone who can really make you happy. life is full of difficult moments and it doesn't seem like you handle stress in the same manner. you need to talk and cling.........he withdraws. you can't satisfy each other with those two opposing responses. it just isn't compatible.

 

at the end of the day - what really makes a couple right for each other is the way the resolve their differences. you have to ask yourself and be totally honest if you really see the other changing all that much it this regard.

 

i know this is painful for you - and i am sorry for that. i am sure you share wonderful memories with this man. but you really need look at the situation the way it is RIGHT NOW and ask yourself.......am i satisfied? can i give him what he wants and be content at the same time? can he do the same in return? the HONEST answers to these questions will lead you to your decision. you need to make one - at some point - when you are ready.

 

life is too short to live in this kind of contempt. we get one shot - this is not a dress rehearsal. if someone isn't healthy for you - at any point in a relationship - give it a chance to correct and if it doesn't happen relatively soon......move on.

[never-too-late]

I know what you are saying. I actually recognise that I may be too needy of him at times like that? because I depend on him quite a lot. I have remained silent and I am actually coping better than I expected. It's hard but I am learning to be more independent this way. I know that my mum has exactly the same thing with my dad and drove him away. Well, I still have not heard from him, which makes it hard but I am trying to do things for myself, which make me feel good. I really hope that he will come back soon. I don't excuse him for his behaviour but I guess he has been trying to tell me for the last month or so what he needs and why he needed time for himself and I still did not understand him and I still questioned him about it and I still blamed him for him not caring about me or our relationship. I guess I really need to trust him more and let him be and see if things get better. At the moment, I do find it hard but I am not angry with him, I am just trying to become more independent.

[Wandering_Sword]

When he said he wanted space, there's not much you can do to change that, you have to let him come to you. No matter what you say or do it will only get him angry. Go NC and work on yourself. Try not to think about him and what he maybe feeling or thinking. This is one of those time I recommend being selfish and doing stuff for YOU. Keep strong,I believe in your strength and willpower to maintain NC.

[never-too-late]

Today is Sunday and on Wednesday is the last time I have heard from my boyfriend. I have been doing ok but I do sometimes worry if he will contact me at all again? However, I am trying to trust him and respect his decision to be alone. I have been busy doing other things for myself. I miss him a lot but what can I do? He obviously does not have the need to contact me. He has booked his ticket for Friday to come to my country as he has to go to an interview and he told me we will meet but this was before he got upset with me. I am worried that he might decide not to see me after all. I just find it diffiucult thinking that he would not contact me again at all? I really hope he appreciates the peace and the silence he asked for.

 

Do you think he might not be contacting me now because he was so upset with me and now he does not know if I am upset or not with him?

[never-too-late]

I have been thinking of my boyfriend all day long and I am starting to worry about our relationship again. He has not contacted me the whole 4 days, is it a long time? I am really worried.

 

and one thing that complicated everything is that my friend has just expressed his feelings for me which I had never expected him to say and I am not quite sure how to handle it as I love my boyfriend a lot and I don't want to loose my friend. It just made me realise how I love my boyfriend and noone else but he is not contacting me

[never-too-late]

Instead of sending a message to my boyfriend, I came here. I really want to ask him about us because I have not heard from him since last Wednesday but I think it would be a big mistake. I miss him so much but I guess there is really nothing I can do than to leave him alone. He must be really angry with me if he is silent for so long

[catren]

NTL,

 

I read your postings with great interest today and see so much similarity with my situation. My BF of 2 1/2 years suddenly became cold - not sure what he wanted in life, not sure that he could have the career he wanted in my town - confused about everything.

 

This came from the person who had promised me the moon - had even bought an engagement ring (which I never received). I think I was in such shock about the change that I wasn't able to give him the space he wanted. To me, the "old" person who loved me so much would never reject me like this. Well, I pushed and pushed until I pushed him away completely.

 

Now, we're pretty much finished and, to be honest, I'm at the point where I don't want to be with someone who could be so cold to me.

 

So, if you still want to save this relationship - DON'T CONTACT HIM.

 

I know it is hurting like he## - how he is treating you - and you definitely don't deserve this from someone who is supposed to love you. I'm like you - I needed to try to work things out - he needed space.

 

Finally, even though I still want to call and try to work things out, I know that I need to respect myself. I do not deserve to be treated with such coldness. I deserve better myself.

 

So, if my guy doesn't wake up very soon, I'll completely shut the door myself because I refuse to put up with this crap.

 

Good luck.

[never-too-late]

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. It must be hurting you so much! I am sorry for that. How long has he been silent for? The thing is mine has been silent for 5 days and I panick. I know that it has not been a week yet so I am trying to be still very patient and thinking to myself that maybe there is still a hope after a week but I really worry that it might be really too late

 

I really hope I will hear from him this week before he comes to my country. I just wish I did not send that message where I blamed him for not caring and for loosing each other. Since then he has been silent.

 

I really want to send him a small message to ask him if we are still together but I keep re-reading his message telling me to wait until he contacts me again so I am really trying to respect what he said.

[never-too-late]

I miss him terribly but I am going to be strong today again! It's so hard! I wonder why would he want to be silent for so long? Is it how guys deal normally with situations?

[Wandering_Sword]

Wondering why he hasn't called is going to be brutal. You have get past this little bit and think that maybe he wants to think and that is why he is not calling you. Knowing very well that any contact with you will affect his thinking. Thinking objectively is hard when a person you care about is in front of you. And yes, guys can get closed off just to deal with traumatic situations.

[catren]

The other thing I started doing NTL is to stop trying to figure out what he wants and to start looking at what I want. I started asking myself if I indeed want / need to be in a relationship with someone who is like this. I tried to take some control back for myself.

 

Well, I hadn't called for 2 days and he called me last night. Just to say that he missed me and that he would like to come visit me this weekend. He was just feeling the waters. Well, I'm not up for a weekend of s*x if he cannot give me anything emotionally thank you very much. I discovered later in the conversation that this does not mean that anything is changed. He is still convinced that we cannot be happy together because of other factors. Of course, I pushed the conversation to the point where he got ticked off, saying you always do this, you've been doing this for weeks. "Why can't we just "BE" instead of you having to pressure me all the time. " Well, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of someone expecting me to be able to act normal when he is questioning our future and, indeed, has pretty much convinced himself that it couldn't work anyway. I'm tired of trying to to convince him that we need to work on this. I really need to take control back. I refuse to be treated this way. So, NC starts for me today. Well, it started for me 3 days ago but then he called last night because he missed me. How in the he## can someone expect you to act normal and to just "BE" when they're ripping your heart out. I think that is so insensitive. We obviously have different ways of dealing with this whole situation that are incompatible.

 

And, another thing. Even if he did a 180 at this point, I really don't know that I could forgive him for how he's treated me over the past few months. Today I'm angry so it's easier.

 

So, for whatever reason, for his sake or yours - DON'T CALL!!!!

 

Catren

[never-too-late]

I have not called today but I am starting to really miss him and I am really starting to worry that he is not coming back? Tomorrow it will be one week since we last talked. Wandering_Sward, I am not quite sure what are you trying to tell me? When you talk about brutal, what do you mean? Do you think he left and he is not coming back to me ?