Still Crushed, 12 years later... need help

[thisisjustsowrong]

Having a friendly relationship and exchanging friendly emails with your ex is acceptable, even some light flirting. But don't give people (and by people I mean your ex) the idea that you are disrespectful of your wife and your marriage. Don't say and write things that if your wife knew about them she would feel hurt and betrayed. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" is not a good strategy to go by in this case. I am not saying you should tell her everything you're doing, but that you should be respectful of her even when she is not around. That's what a good husband does, which you say you are. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you are being disrespectful of your marriage, I don't know the content of your exchanges, but if I go by the following

I've been teasing her that I want to (secretly) meet up for a quick bite or a cup of coffee...

I would say you're getting there.

[beautifullybroken]

I think that you had a very emotional event that brought feelings of insecurity, doubt, and hurt to you. You have emotional pain and baggage (probably from other events as well) that can't allow you at this time to deal with those feelings. I think you have attributed the cause of your feelings of insecurity, fear, self loathing to your relationship with your ex. Could it be that there is something else causing or not allowing you to let go? Maybe you are unhappy in your job? Feeling depressed? Feelings that are very real that are being misplaced on this relationship that you deemed as a failure- when in fact it allowed you to meet your wife and create a new life.

 

My advice...seek counseling. Deal with the issues. Do not contact your ex. You will get over this once the underlying problem is dealth with.

 

Good luck and you will be fine.

[secretdarkness]

Having a friendly relationship and exchanging friendly emails with your ex is acceptable, even some light flirting. But don't give people (and by people I mean your ex) the idea that you are disrespectful of your wife and your marriage. Don't say and write things that if your wife knew about them she would feel hurt and betrayed. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" is not a good strategy to go by in this case. I am not saying you should tell her everything you're doing, but that you should be respectful of her even when she is not around. That's what a good husband does, which you say you are. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you are being disrespectful of your marriage, I don't know the content of your exchanges, but if I go by the following

 

I would say you're getting there.

 

I can't really argue with any of this.

 

I've just been caught up in the moment a bit I guess.

 

The line about meeting up for coffee or lunch was very innocent. (The context) was more like, why make a big deal with planning a dinner party or reunion, lets just hang-out, have a quick cup of coffee & be done with it type thing. Unfortunately, I've had a hard time describing the "tone" of the emails we've exchanged... me and the ex are old friends (who have just been reunited after all these years) with a ton of history... the conversation has been extremely respectful. I'm a friendly & positive person, and I have been flirting around a little.... but I swear, it is all innocent.

 

My wife would not be thrilled' with everything I've done, but trust me... I haven't really done anything. I want to feel better so I can be the best person/husband I can be.

 

My wife is coming home any minute, we are going out to eat.... and I couldn't be more excited to see her!!! I love my wife dearly... this whole thing with the ex was never about my wife not being good enough or anything like that. There was a secret darkworld in my subconscious that was becoming problematic ... I've tried to solve it, and I think I have!

 

PEACE!!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[gijane52]

SecretDarkness - I have just read some of your posts and I can hardly breathe right now. Your story is so overhwhelming to me that I think I may be the one to have to seek therapy (again).

 

First of all put your wife in my shoes and imagine that she is the one writing this. Absolutely everything you described about you and your "ex" including the breakup is word for word the way my common-in-law husband related his story to me. Same personalities --- everything!

 

We had been living together, blissfully and madly in love for 10 yrs. (planned to get married this June) when one day just out of the blue, curiosity about his "first love" just got the better of him. He decided to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday -- and to fill her in on his accomplishments over the years. It didn't seem out of the ordinary to me as all his friends are from highschool. Well one little call, led to one little email, which led to meeting over a coffee....

 

She declared her undying love for him for 30 yrs.-- he was shocked and walked away. But like you, he realized his feelings were buried deep and he couldn't get her off his mind. He decided to confess to me that she had this "hold" over him and he couldn't stop the "pull" towards her. He needed to follow that path and our relationship couldn't go on as long as he thought he still loved her and obssessed over her -- so "in shock" I left.

 

It's now been 6 mos. since we've been apart. She's not happy (she just wanted an affair), He's not happy because he realized that trying to relive his highschool days as a 50 yr. old just isn't cutting it. And me? well I'm still struggling to swim to the surface and catch my breath.

 

Trust me my dear Secretdarkness, leave the past behind - you're not that person anymore and you don't want to throw your life away when you've achieved so much. The devastation and guilt will change you, your wife and your children forever. Seek help before it creeps up on you when you least expect it. My now "ex" and his "ex" were "innocently" going back and forth for almost a year before it happened. Her & I actually became friends in the process and she would leave her dog for us to babysit while she went on vacation. It was all very very innocent.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Obviously I still have some "anger" issues. Please be careful.

[Shiva 2007]

It sounds like there was never a healthy closure, how did you two break up? if you don't mind sharing

[secretdarkness]

gijane52,-- Thanks for checking out my story. This thread has gotten out of control... it is way to long, but at the same time I think it gives an incredibly accurate account of what I have been dealing with recently (and over the last 12 years). I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share your situation... it has been amazingly helpful to hear other peoples experiences.... I appreciate your help.

 

Like I've said from the very beginning... I am an extremely loyal person. I consider my wife to be my best-friend, and I'm not in the business of stabing my best friend in the back. Because that's what I consider cheating to be, the ultimate stab in the back.

 

This has never been about cheating or having an affair. It has been about: 1)- understanding why I was having obsessive thoughts. 2)- Obtaining closure with a past relationship. 3)- Getting some form of validation from the ex (and her mother). I came here because I wanted to feel better, plain & simple.

 

I have (shockingly) received all these things in the last couple of days!

 

Right now, I'm just basking in the glow alittle. It is all very innocent...

 

I hate to ask people to read the entire thread, but it is very necessary in order to understand the complete situation . The ex is also in poor health right now. She is home on bed rest for the next couple of weeks and I've just been trying to make her laugh and cheer her up alittle.

 

I doubt very much that we will ever actually get together & meet up. I'm just really enjoying this feeling of relief right now. I feel like I've unlocked a puzzle in my mind, I don't feel trapped anymore.

 

My wife comes first... I'm not going to do anything foolish.

 

Thanks again, and good luck!!!

 

PEACE!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

It sounds like there was never a healthy closure, how did you two break up? if you don't mind sharing

 

Hey Shiva2007,-- I know this thread is way too long, but check out the first couple of pages... I give a very detailed description of the break-up.

 

In a nut-shell.... the break-up was rough & complicated. Many unresolved issues & factors created a bad situation for both of us. The biggest theme was probably a lack of understanding and no true closure.

 

I know it is long... but you might like the story, it sort of has a surprise ending.

 

PEACE!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

Hey BeautifullyBroken,-- Great Post! ... I think you are right on here. I must have some deep rooted stuff going on. Something has caused this obsession.... but what? I wan't to figure it out without having to go to therapy this time.

 

I'd love to give you my full psychological profile, but it would be too exhausting. Lets just say, as a kid I've seen addiction & abuse up close & personal.... As a young adult, I was wild & even a bit out of control: The Partying, the Girls, the Nightlife. I definitely carry a ton of baggage. In fact, one of the things that scared the Mother & The ex off was when I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. They really looked at councelling as a sign of weakness.

 

This was years ago, it wasn't so mainstream back then. The whole medication thing really turned them off. I was just following my parents/physicians recommendations. I didn't know I'd lose the love of my life over it.

 

Can you help me figure any of this out?

 

PEACE!!!

 

--Secretdarkness

[Cyprian]

Theres nothing more to figure out. Life sucks, is random and the world uncaring.

Things happen for reasons we will never understand, and the world doesn't stop to analyze or figure things out. You got your validation, and with it comes a horde of other problems, one being the fact that your ex, another human being with feelings and problems of her own, is now sick and no doubt experiencing regret, sadness, and pain.

 

No matter what answers or partial understandings you get, you will continue to always seek more answers. Your wife is all that matters. She loves you and you love her. There you have all the answers you need.

[secretdarkness]

Theres nothing more to figure out. Life sucks, is random and the world uncaring.

Things happen for reasons we will never understand, and the world doesn't stop to analyze or figure things out. You got your validation, and with it comes a horde of other problems, one being the fact that your ex, another human being with feelings and problems of her own, is now sick and no doubt experiencing regret, sadness, and pain.

 

No matter what answers or partial understandings you get, you will continue to always seek more answers. Your wife is all that matters. She loves you and you love her. There you have all the answers you need.

 

Cyprian,-- "I feel you man"! But you've got to calm down and take it easy right now!!!

 

You are experiencing the pain at an incredible high level at this moment.... this capacity for pain & emotion also helped you reach the highest highs while in love. Don't you see? It works both ways.

 

" It is better to have Loved and Lost, then to never have Loved at all"... this is a true statement, and it will reveal itself over time.

 

Your ex, for whatever reason made a decision to go in another direction with her life right now. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, IT WAS HER!!! I say, "F*/ck That F*/cking B*/tch" !!!! Don't be afraid to HATE her right now! Scream it out Man! Punch the wall, smash a beer bottle... do something to release the anger & rage! Don't hold back, and don't hold it in!

 

Relationships are a game when you are young. Often times there is a (perceived) winner & a loser. Right now you are down, but you've got the "heart of a champion" Buddy... you need to go thru this, in order to rise up and make a comeback. You are entitled to feel anything you want right now, but please, please, please don't put the HATE on yourself... put it where it belongs, ON HER!

 

Don't be like me.... please don't be like me, I beg you Man!

 

I know I'm sending you a mixed message here, but this is the poetry that really helped me start to HEAL... check it out.

 

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.” - W. Somerset Maugham

 

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

[saxonpirate]

Got be really blunt i'm afraid.We've all had ex's that date back to our youth and thought that the universe was going to implode when it went to the wall. You've got another life now and you say your happily married,it might not stay that way for long if you carry on with this "obsession" because that's what it is.Your wife will guess there's something eating you,women have a sense when somethings amiss believe me.If you've too much time on your hands fill it.Ok remember things with a smile and put it behind you as part of life,move on.Sorry to be so blunt but it's just crazy to risk what you have now for something way back in the past.Love your wife even more..

[Cyprian]

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.” - W. Somerset Maugham

 

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

 

Thanks SD. Just read this thread for the first time today...must have missed the reply earlier. This poetry is insightful...in a sort of sad depressing way (but maybe thats just all I can perceive at this moment in time because thats how I feel...I am sure someone else reads it and feels the opposite emotions...and thats what the poem is about, isn't it?)

[thisisjustsowrong]

I must have some deep rooted stuff going on. Something has caused this obsession.... but what? I wan't to figure it out without having to go to therapy this time.

 

Can you help me figure any of this out?

 

Why do you care what has caused your obsession? Do you think you will revert back?

 

I thought you were over you ex now. If so, just don't think about this obsession anymore. Whatever the reason, just leave it alone. You're one of the luck ones. Everything worked out great for you. You had your closure, your validation. There were one more component to all these which several people pointed out before. It was that you were possibly missing your old self. If that is the case you can remedy that by trying to do more spontenous things, I think.

 

In fact, one of the things that scared the Mother & The ex off was when I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. They really looked at councelling as a sign of weakness. The whole medication thing really turned them off. I was just following my parents/physicians recommendations. I didn't know I'd lose the love of my life over it.

 

Really SD, why do you care so much about people who turned their backs to you when you were down. Your ex was suppossed to help you through your difficult time not turn her back to you. I wonder whether she were the only person to have rejected you. If so that explains a lot.

 

Anyway, I don't actually want to dwell on this analysis too much. I don't think it helps in your case. I think doing that will feed the obsession now. You are so close to putting this whole thing behind you. Try not to think about it anymore.

[secretdarkness]

Hey Thisisjustsowrong,-- As usual, I sincerely appreciate your comments.

 

Lately, a couple of people have been challenging me to go to therapy, (in order to unravel this deep-rooted stuff they keep bringing up)... and I was only defending my decision not to start councelling (at this time). I'm not actively trying to figure out why this "secretdarkness obsession thing" happened... (Sure, I'm a little curious, but) I'm just glad it's over.

 

In regards to missing my "old-self"... Which was definitely true, I have made numerous changes that have helped me feel better. I have reconnected with many old friends (not just ex gfs), I'm getting ready for my 20 year HS Reunion, I'm Drawing & Painting again, I'm playing Flag Football & Ice Hockey every weekend... and I've been trying to be even more appreciative of the great things in my life, especially my wife.

 

I have been dumped pretty hard by other girls before, but the feeling of total rejection I received at the hands of the ex (and her mother) was like nothing I've ever experienced. I was being made to feel like I wasn't good enough, like I didn't belong in their world... like I was a Loser! I've talked about my crushed ego in this thread... I even believe the crushed ego was just as painful & destructive as getting my heart broken.

 

I sense people are starting to "turn-on-me" a little in this thread. That's okay... they don't know what I've been through, and how hard I worked for this not to affect my life & wife. I used the rejection to accomplish alot, always treating my wife great the entire way... (not to mention being by her side in poor health for many, many years).

 

If I had listened to everyone on here, I never would have gotten my closure or validation.

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness

[Cyprian]

LoL, I guess belladonna didn't like my response to BabyBear's rude comment about you SecretDarkness. Sorry bella, I was only trying to stick up for my man SD over here!

 

SD: If you listened to everyone on here, you wouldn't have been able to make any decisions because everyone was giving you conflicting advice. You made the right decisions yourself while utilizing whatever advice here that struck you as the right thing do to - you made your own decisions and I have to say I believe they were the right ones.

[babybear]

Why was my comment disrespectful?

 

Who on earth would be happy about their husbands having a secret obsession with an ex girlfriend to the extent that this man here does? I certainly wouldn't be able to handle it. Him dreaming about her every night, thinking about her every night. Then going to these lengths to track her down and emailing in secret. If everything was ok there would be no need to keep it a secret at the end of the day. The only reason for keeping it a secret is so that your wife doesn't get 'unnecessarily hurt' as you put it, well I think it is up to her heart whether she is hurt or not and you can't make that decision for her so it is wrong to completely keep her in the dark as you have done. It is often the fact that there are secrets and lies which hurt more than if the person was honest and upfront in the first place.

 

Basically I would not stay with a husband that did all this and clearly not realise how much these 'thoughts and obsessions' would hurt their wife. I mean, anyone who realised would seek help say a year or two after things showed no improvement. But to plod through twelve years with no mention of these feelings? I don't think so.

 

These boards are a place where opinions are expressed and this is mine. I have explained my reasoning for it so I don't think it should be deemed 'disrespectful'. People ought to see his wife's point of view not neglect it just cos she's not the one posting.

[Cyprian]

I don't know babybear, but I guess the truth is that belladonna was looking out for other member's feelings. Also I don't understand why you don't see how much SecretDarkness cares about his wife. He really does not want to hurt her, and although you think that that thereforeeee means he shouldn't be keeping the "SecretDarkness" from her, I agree with SD that he should not burden his wife with this problem. He is not having an affair, and he says that he is putting his wife in the forefront of his decision making. I think he loves his wife and cares about her more than any of us and thereforeeee will do whats best for her, wouldn't you agree? He doesn't seem like the selfish uncaring type who would justify a wife leaving him for infidelity or emotional cheating...does he?

[secretdarkness]

Babybear,--

 

You just don't get it... read the entire thread.

 

What part of the story don't you understand? You want my wife's point of view... Well, I've been completely dedicated to my wife from the beginning. She goes out of her way to describe me as "Husband of the year" (year after year)... this "secret-obsession" was something that never affected her in a negative way.

 

Also, this wasn't about cheating or infidelity... it is just something that manifested itself over a long time period. Basically I view your comments as pretty cruel... I was unable to deal with this on my own, (therapy wasn't an option) so I came here with anonymity... seeking Advice, Knowledge & Support.

 

Obsession is a complicated mental illness, it is not something that one has total control over. I think I did a good job handling the entire situation... if you feel it necessary to post your opinions in this thread, "go ahead" that is your right.

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

LoL, I guess belladonna didn't like my response to BabyBear's rude comment about you SecretDarkness. Sorry bella, I was only trying to stick up for my man SD over here!

 

SD: If you listened to everyone on here, you wouldn't have been able to make any decisions because everyone was giving you conflicting advice. You made the right decisions yourself while utilizing whatever advice here that struck you as the right thing do to - you made your own decisions and I have to say I believe they were the right ones.

 

Hey Cyprian,-- Thanks for "getting-my-back" (once again)! Not sure why Babybear feels the need to come to eNotAlone to criticize people... that is pretty lame... sort of goes against everything this place stands for, but oh well... what-are-you-going-to-do ?

 

I definitely feel like people are starting to "turn on me" alittle... which hurts, but it is okay... everyone is entitled to their opinion.

 

The ex and I have decided not to get together at this time, just too complicated... Basically it was my call, because she really wanted to see me. I do however plan on meeting up with her brother (great old friend of mine from Military School) & her Mother which should be a lot of fun!

 

Surprisingly, the ex and I have really reconnected "as old friends". It is genuine and very honest... I never thought things would unfold like this, but I am so relieved and content right now. Her illness has had a lot to do with us getting past all the history & baggage... we are both older & wiser now.

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness

[babybear]

I have not come here to criticise people. I criticised you because that's how I feel, sorry.

 

I can relate to the obsession thing, believe me. I have a lot of obsession concerns of my own which have bordered on stalking. Like you I thought they would get better and when they didn't I realised something had to be done and so made changes to my life to achieve this.

 

I understand you are not cheating on your wife, and nowhere did I suggest you were. My criticism lies in the lack of honesty you have given your wife. And that you have allowed this to go on for twelve years unresolved. I feel she deserves better than that. I am aware you love and care for her, that's not my issue.

[mary1980]

hi sd,

 

i feel like i have really got to know you whilst reading your posts. I too know what it feels like to be rejected by someone that you completely love and completely trust. I had my heart smashed by my first love and it has taken me 12 years and 3 children to get over him.

You are completely right that you and your ex are older and wiser than what you were when you were together.

It's great that you want to re-connect with her family. Maybe in time you will be able to re-connect in person with her as well. If i may make a suggestion perhaps you could talk to your wife about having your ex and her current husband over for tea so that you can re-connect with your ex and so your wife will be able to suss for herself what your ex is all about. If it is done in your home your wife will feel less threatened by her

[secretdarkness]

I have not come here to criticise people. I criticised you because that's how I feel, sorry.

 

I can relate to the obsession thing, believe me. I have a lot of obsession concerns of my own which have bordered on stalking. Like you I thought they would get better and when they didn't I realised something had to be done and so made changes to my life to achieve this.

 

I understand you are not cheating on your wife, and nowhere did I suggest you were. My criticism lies in the lack of honesty you have given your wife. And that you have allowed this to go on for twelve years unresolved. I feel she deserves better than that. I am aware you love and care for her, that's not my issue.

 

Thanks for clarifying... I respect your opinion.

 

For the record, the title of this thread was meant to be attention grabbing (aren't most of them?)... and the first post was writen to illicit interest & responses.

 

People seem to think I was obsessing & like stalking my ex for 12 years or something. That wasn't the case at all, far from it. I was busy rebuilding my life, while being madly in love with my wife. If anything it was mostly inner turmoil & deep stress that I was experiencing... usually bothering me during the night (I am the worlds worst sleeper).

 

I made absolutely no contact at all for almost 13 years with my ex. I used the deeply hidden sadness & frustration as motivation to change my life for the better. The reason I came to eNotAlone was when my wife accepted an out-of-town job... I started to get lonley and the obsessive thoughts really started to escalate during sleepless nights.

 

I made the decision not to include my wife in this for numerous reasons, most of them are pretty obvious, I would think. She has no idea about my secret darkness... if keeping this from her makes me a bad guy, then I'm guilty. Also, for the record... my wife has given me her blessing to reconnect with the ex... I just haven't told her about it. I've admitted that this is slightly shady, but at the same time I had to handle it my own way.

 

It really doesn't matter, because this whole thing is basically over now. The ex and I are friends... I got my closure & validation. I'm no longer obsessing & I feel better.

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness

[Cyprian]

SD give your wife a kiss for me!

[secretdarkness]

Hey Mary1980,-- Thanks for taking the time to check out my story... It has been really cool meeting some great people on here... The people who have experienced the same type of situations have been extremely Helpful & comforting over the last couple of months.

 

Sorry to hear about you and your first love... Something about those first true loves, seems like someone usually gets really hurt in the end. I understand what it is like to hide the pain deep down. It is a huge burden to live with day in and day out. The pain, the guilt, the depression, the confusion... enough to make your head spin... that's for sure!

 

Me and the ex have decided not to get together at this time. She invited me to a reunion dinner party, but her husband doesn't like the idea of me coming. It was my decision to put an end to this idea, because I "respect" the situation. Even though she said he would get over it, I didn't want to put him in that position. Although I'm sure my wife would go if I asked, I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable position either.

 

It would be cool to see the ex, but it is just too complicated at this time, I think. However, I'm going to try & meet up with her brother & parents... which should be cool and a lot of fun!

 

Thanks again for reading, I'm glad you've enjoyed it!

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

SD give your wife a kiss for me!

 

You Got It Man!!!

 

How are you feeling? ... Sounded like you had a rough weekend. When is the last time you spoke with the ex?

 

PEACE!!!

 

--SecretDarkness