Still Crushed, 12 years later... need help

[mca1975]

hi there

 

you sound really haunted. I get haunted by things too from the past but 10 years is a long time to still be haunted. are you quite a needy person who gets a little obssessive with relationships?

 

i am on this forum because i have just ended a six month relationship with someone who was very intense and needy and controlling. i could feel that he was that way all through our relationship but I tried to ignore it, until I couldnt do it anymore and now he is so hurt and is displaying obsessive behaviour to try and get me back, which to be honest is quite frightening. All this said, I care about him and I feel sorry for what he is going through.

 

you are refusing to let go of it. lots of people do that, like my ex. He says he can but he doesnt want to which is quite understandable seeing as we have only just split up a month ago.

 

You need to go and see a professional about this. You dont really hanker after your ex, or even still love her, you love your wife, i think you are just obsessing over what happened back then still and you are feeding your obsesssion more and more.

 

reply if you like, i am on-line

[secretdarkness]

Hey Mca1975,-- I really appreciate the feedback, thanks for taking the time to comment on my situation.

 

Not sure if you've read the entire thread, (I know it has become way long), but I've definitely been haunted by this situation. It has almost been like a secret world in a way. Tortured, Confussed, Heart-Broken, Depressed & Guilty on the inside... yet very productive, happy, successful and positive on the outside in everyday life.

 

Recently, I've made some serious breakthroughs... and I'm feeling waaaay better. But I need to have just a little more closure... closure that may only come from finally making contact with the ex after many long years. I'm still not sure what direction I will go, but this situation is definitely coming to a head!

 

As far as the actual relationship with the ex, I wasn't perfect... But I did treat the ex like Gold. (She would be the first to admit that). I was always very sensitive & understanding with her... not possessive and controlling. Sure, I'm as intense as they come... but when I felt like the ex crossed the line in our relationship, I cut her off completely. I didn't hang around like your ex.

 

I know I'm still feeding the obsession, and professional councelling would definitely help... but that is just not the way this thing is unfolding (again, check out the thread... this has all been disected from numerous angles).

 

Thanks again for your feedback... I really hope your situation works out!

[brokenbird]

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[secretdarkness]

hi SD,

 

i've read the "entire" post...and carefully, i might add! you've mentioned that this women just, "makes you melt" at times...its interesting that you describe her in this way...the feelings seem so current... even after 12 years. she must have been "something else". noone certainly, can fault you for hoping she is completing unattractive and undesirable.

 

Just wanted to say, though...(being a female n'all)...if it's such, that you two actually see each other at some point....go easy on her (about the looks that is...). your kindness will make you that much more attractive (in addition to all your achievements, hockey playing and other various machisimo activities).

 

best wishes...

 

Hey BrokenBird,-- Actually I don't really wish that she is "undesireable" or "unatractive"... It might make it easier to knock her off her pedestal alittle, but I don't wish it on her. I was just getting a good laugh because I had a dream where she looked like one of those photoshop portraits "gone-bad" !!! You know the really ugly ones where they combine the worst facial features from 2 people.

 

In reality, I'm sure she is looking better than ever. I'm fairly certain She is very well-to-do financially, and she has always tried to stay in great shape. She was also a whiz with hair, make-up & jewelry. On the other hand, Although she was pretty voluptuous and very curvy back in the day (she used to battle her weight a alittle bit)... that coupled with the fact that she has 3 young kids and she is in her mid 30's.... you never know? I guess that is one of the reasons why i'm so curious.

 

As for her "Making-Me-Melt"... what can I say? I've been lucky enough to have been with a couple of beautiful girls in my day, but there was just something extra special about my ex. --- Even though we had a long intense relationship, I always felt there was something unattainable about her. This made her even more Desireable! Where I am mostly sensitive & emotional, she was at times very cold & withdrawn. This used to drive me crazy, and it hurt deeply, ... because I put everything into connecting with her. Sure at times we were as close as two people could get, but overall, and especially during the breakup period she was Cold.

 

Even when things were great between us, I always subconsciously put her on a unrealistically high pedestal. She almost became like a Celebrity in my mind. That Body, those Looks',That Bad-Girl Attitude, that Smile... The laugh... Swear to God, I'd actually get nervous right before I'd see her sometimes. I can remember the first time we ever hooked-up... right before the big moment, I was actually trembling & shaking above her... it was so intense and emotional. I was pretty experienced' at that age, but the girl just had magic powers over me or something, I guess? She was so beautiful, and I just loved everything about her so much... At the Time she was My Real Life Dream Girl.

 

As you can see, it is still very painful to this day... she made one h*/ll of an impression on me.

 

...but I'm going to get my final closure soon enough, I've come this far, I finally want to put this thing to rest.

 

Thanks for the post, it helps so much to get this out.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Didn't have time to read through the entire thread, SD, but one thing I saw in one of your posts a few back was a concern overing sending this woman a letter or using an internet pay service to find her because you were afraid that your wife would find out and be hurt. I think you might want to stop thinking about ways to do this that your wife WON'T find out about and instead think about the fact that you are trying to conceal your actions because you're certain that they will hurt your spouse. That's usually a pretty darn good clue that what you are doing is NOT okay. If after reading this you start thinking of a lot of justifications for why you should do this, just keep thinking about the real relationship you have right now and what implications this has.

[Cyprian]

If you read the whole thread Aleadragonhawk, you would have a better grasp of why he is doing what he is doing.

[tylercdurden2004]

When it ended, I basically felt like my world was destroyed. Dropped out of school, depression, substance abuse, self medication, suicidal thoughts, you name it.

 

Getting beyond the surface issue the above tells me there is something mre to your story and this girl in fact is not the issue. The break up was merely the straw that broke the camels back.

[brokenbird]

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[tylercdurden2004]

My point was in regards to the behaviour that occurred afterwards and continues. The OP seems apt to become obsessive about things or people. Drugs, the ex etc.

 

Lots of people have had the same happen to them. However most of them will not fall into habitual drug use, or habitual pining over an ex. Its the habitual or obseessive part I am referring to. That is teh mroe important issue.

[secretdarkness]

Didn't have time to read through the entire thread, SD, but one thing I saw in one of your posts a few back was a concern overing sending this woman a letter or using an internet pay service to find her because you were afraid that your wife would find out and be hurt. I think you might want to stop thinking about ways to do this that your wife WON'T find out about and instead think about the fact that you are trying to conceal your actions because you're certain that they will hurt your spouse. That's usually a pretty darn good clue that what you are doing is NOT okay. If after reading this you start thinking of a lot of justifications for why you should do this, just keep thinking about the real relationship you have right now and what implications this has.

 

Hey Aleadragonhawk,-- I totally understand what you are saying... but this is a complicated situation. Obviously my wife comes first. My goal has always been to feel better and get past this situation, I think meeting/speaking with the ex will accomplish this.

 

I'm not sneaking around, or concealing things from my wife in order to decieve her, ... quite the opposite actually. I'm taking this approach in order not to hurt her unnecessarily, do you see the difference?

 

This thread has become too long, for me to ask people to read the entire thing, but I think you need to see the big picture... before making "snap" judgements about my situation.

 

I do thank you for taking the time to comment on my situation, none-the-less.

[secretdarkness]

If you read the whole thread Aleadragonhawk, you would have a better grasp of why he is doing what he is doing.

 

Thanks for backing me up...

 

This thread has gotten so long, I don't really expect people to read the entire thing anymore... but at the same time, I think it is somewhat unfair for me to get criticized when someone doesn't know the whole story.

 

This has been a painful situation, doing the right thing has been an enormous challenge... I'm trying to be truthful & ethical, but at the same time, I need to get past this.

[secretdarkness]

Getting beyond the surface issue the above tells me there is something mre to your story and this girl in fact is not the issue. The break up was merely the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Hey Tylercdurden2004,-- Thanks for commenting on my situation.

 

You may be right, I'll definitely admit to having "Issues": Before, During & After the relationship with the ex.

 

(Like most of us) my childhood was far from perfect. My Dad was a big drinker... He could be like Santa Claus one minute and then turn into the Devil the next. His temper and anger management problems definitely affected me. My mother is a very neurotic, type A personality (with some mental illness & substance abuse thrown in for good measure). She was a very controlling Perfectionist, and I basically just never really got along with her either.

 

I'm not the type of person to whine about my problems. I try to live my life a very different way. In fact, I think it is a miracle I turned out as well as I have.

 

Everyone that knows me, would describe me as a fun loving, happy, very positive person... who definitely puts other peoples needs ahead of my own. Now, I'm not claiming to be an Angel or anything like that. I'm a (retired) Wild-Child, Bad-Boy, Party-Animal ... I admit that. I'm also guilty of being an extremist in most of the things I do as well.

 

When I realized the relationship was over with the ex, it almost killed me Man. I contemplated taking my own life many times. I drank and did drugs to medicate myself... it was a survival instinct.

 

This is still hard to talk about all these years later, but I feel like my present situation in life is testimony to the fact that I have risen above it and tried to do my best to be happy & successful.

 

I came to this forum to feel better and get some knowledge about why I was obsessing on this ex girlfriend from so long ago... I know I have issues.

[secretdarkness]

Brokenbird,-- Thank You so much for this wonderful post! Your thoughts & words help a tremendous amount... I sincerely appreciate it.

 

I think the thing that hurt the most during the breakup was that she did lead me to believe that she loved me right up to the very end. There was no hatred, or falling out of love... it was more like, she was telling me that I deserved better. She kept saying it was her and not me.

 

This Hurts....

 

I tried everything to save it before it disintegrated... I loved her so much, probably too much. I was willing to give her space, and I tried to give her time. In the end, we were too young & her mother had too much influence over the situation.

 

The only thing I didn't do was forgive her for hooking up with someone else while we were taking a break from each other. We weren't even really a couple anymore, so techically it wasn't cheating. At the time, we agreed to take a break, not to see other people, but to finish up strong at school. If she had never told me... we probably could have gotten back together.

 

But I was so crushed and betrayed, I just couldn't believe it after all we had been through. She said it was a mistake and she was lonley... the thought of her with someone else after I treated her like gold for so many years Destroyed me. At that moment something "Snapped" internally inside my head. The jealous Rage was scary.

 

She always said I was the greatest guy in the world, and our issues (as a couple) had nothing to do with me.... I've never been able to fully understand or get past this.

[Cyprian]

The only difference between my situation and yours was that after 7 years together and not being with anyone else besides each other, my ex needed to "see what else was out there". While she was studying abroad, she took the liberty to do so without telling me...thinking it would be just a fling and something she would have to live with afterwards. Instead, she fell in love with this guy (infatuation, no doubt) and now my life is ruined...

 

SD: That unrequited love website was informative, by the way...you should start a post about it - maybe I will.

[brokenbird]

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[secretdarkness]

dear sd,

 

if your ex said, the problems were due to her...then they probably were...if she thinks you're the greatest guy....then she probably means it.

 

Thanks Brokenbird, -- Your kind words mean alot....

 

Unfortunately I'm really feeling like sh*/t today again about this entire thing. I'm feeling unbelievably guilty again, my wife is out of town, I'm lonley... And I'm just overwhelmed with pain about this whole situation. I F*/cking Hate my ex for ruining my life like this! If she had just believed in me, I could have given her the world. I would have died for her, ... I just miss her face & her voice sometimes... I can still smell her hair & hear her laughing...

 

Part of me wishes I never met her.... the other part of me just wont let go of her memory.

 

The last thing she said to me was, "You'll Always Love Me, No Matter What Happens (between Us) "..... She was so right.

[brokenbird]

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[brokenbird]

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[Cyprian]

SD: Once again, I am not even 2 months into my breakup with my 7 year lover, and I already see myself walking in a path that you yourself have tracked in the snow. I miss her so much - I think of her all day, and then all night when I dream. If she never comes back to me and I marry someone else 10 years down the line, I know I will regret my whole life. Yes, I may have days, or even weeks when I don't think of HER, but I know until the day I die I am going to miss and love her entirely...

 

You need to get through this...for me! I am selfishly asking you to prove to me, to yourself, to everyone that you are strong, happily married, and simply living in the past. You can get through these emotions, and if you can't - so be it! Live with the pain, and embrace the happiness you have in all other aspects of your life.

 

I'm here for you man, I wish I had some kind or witty remarks that would dwell in your mind before you head off to sleep...my pain is clouding my brain, however, and I cannot even convince myself to be happy. Sorry. Just know that you're in my thoughts - the ones that I can spare.

 

Cyprian

[secretdarkness]

Hey Ellie,-- As usual, thanks for the response... it is always much appreciated!

 

I was having an exceptionally bad day on Sunday when I made that post. My (much anticipated) Hockey Game got unexpectedly cancelled, my wife had a change in work schedule and I was home alone... one thing lead to another and I started drinking heavily.

 

Recipe for disaster!!!

 

Anyway, My wife actually picked up on what I was doing and was very concerned. She could easily tell I had been crying & had been drinking when she called to check in on me. She kept pressing me about why I was upset, ... but I just couldn't say anything.

 

I'm convinced more than ever that this is a bigger issue than the ex. For some reason my mind (obsessively) locks-in on the ex when I get upset... but in reality there must be a lot more going on.

 

I have a lot of issues I need to work out (including binge drinking)...

 

Thanks for the Advice & Support, ... I never consider your comments to be harsh, just strong medicine... and tnings I need to hear in order to get better.

 

-SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

The only difference between my situation and yours was that after 7 years together and not being with anyone else besides each other, my ex needed to "see what else was out there". While she was studying abroad, she took the liberty to do so without telling me...thinking it would be just a fling and something she would have to live with afterwards. Instead, she fell in love with this guy (infatuation, no doubt) and now my life is ruined...

 

SD: That unrequited love website was informative, by the way...you should start a post about it - maybe I will.

 

Hey Cyprian,-- Wasn't that "Unrequited Love" information unbelievable. It was fascinating to me as I was reading it. My internet research has pulled me in that direction, and I'm definitely learing a lot. Painful Yes, but it sooths me to gain more insight on the subject. Feel free to start a new Thread on it. If you start it, I'll make sure to add on to it.

 

Sorry to hear that you are still struggling... I pray my situation helps you somehow learn to heal faster than I have.

 

Peace!

[secretdarkness]

SD,

 

i wish i could tell you more kind words, especially at this moment while you feel bad...

just so you know, you're not the only one on the grid feeling guilty for being in one relationship while missing an ex. i love my ex so much...i'm sick.

 

i just want to hold him and let the flood gates fly, oh-well.

 

right now, i'll see your cries and raise you several!

 

BB

 

Sorry to see you struggling as well. I sincerely send you my heartfelt best wishes... this is an incredibly painful/complex situation to have to deal with internally day-after-day.... it is exhausting, and the guilt/confusion factor only makes it that much worse.

 

Please know that your thoughtful, kind words (especially when you are down in the dumps) have helped me a tremendous amount.

 

"This too Shall Pass"

 

--SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

Cyprian,-- I absolutely promise you, I will get throught this!!!

... and so will you!

--------------------------------------------------------

 

***NEW DEVELOPMENT***:

 

I finally made a decision about contacting the ex. I sat down and wrote a letter last night, and mailed it this morning.

 

It was a difficult note to write, but I was very satisfied with the final product. Nothing extreme or creepy. Just a very positive, friendly, straight forward note... expressing an interest to talk as old friends.

 

I sent out two identical letters, via snail mail to the two addresses I found... I pray it finds its way to her. I was extremely careful not to write anything that would cause problems for her if her husband happens to get it before she does.

 

If nothing else, it was classy & respectful...

 

The saga continues... I'll keep all you guys updated on what happens. I've felt worlds better since I mailed them. I'll be extremely interested to see/hear her response. I think I can handle anything, except getting "No-Response" at all.... that would really hurt, I think?

 

I'm sure I'll be critisized by some on the forum for doing this behind my wife's back, but I thought long & hard about what to do.... and I am very confident I did the correct thing.

 

am I after validation from the ex... definitely. I think that is the key right now. Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for yet another crushing defeat.

 

Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I really, really want to hear back from her... I'm certain this will help me feel better.

 

Peace!

 

--SecretDarkness

[Cyprian]

Wow. I am sure you made the right decision. Good luck and keep us informed!

[secretdarkness]

Hate to be narcissistic here, but I'm really anxious about my decision to contact the ex, ... from what you've read about my story....

 

Do you guys have any predictions about my situation?

 

Any comments on these issues would be much appreciated.

 

Will the ex ever actually receive the letter?

Will I hear back from the her?

Will her response be e-mail or cell phone?

Will her response be positive, negative or indifferent?

Will we schedule to meet up?

Will this be helpful or hurtful overall... will it help me feel better?

Will this come back to haunt me, ... was it a mistake?

 

Thanks!!!!