Still Crushed, 12 years later... need help

[Katerimo]

In some ways I think you should get in touch with your ex. It might just take her off that pedestal. What if she's a completley different person now? Marriage and children must have changed her right? Instead of imagining this sexy bad girl imagine a mother, kids screaming, food down her top! What made her so special in the first place? I remember my ex being so hung up on his ex it drove me round the bend! When I left him it was me he was hung up on Ironic eh? Would you like your wife to treat you mean do you think? Does she know you're lonely at all?

[Katerimo]

Ps I also sleep soooo badly and it is the worst time for over emotional thinking! have you tried anything to help you sleep? This could help alot

[secretdarkness]

Hi Secretdarkness,

Thanks for sharing that line from Maugham ...

I guess the more "in-your-face" version of it is "you want what you can't have" but Maugham's is, if anything, more ... heartfelt

 

How are you doing today?

 

I still believe you should give a serious consideration to theraphy (possibly couple's therapy). In my humble opinion, if this was something you could have gotten over on your own, I do think you could have done so, years ago ...

 

Take care of yourself!

 

Ellie

 

Hey Ellie,-- Much to my surprise, I'm actually feeling worlds better. Something as simple as gaining some knowledge & and feeling like I'm not the only one, (thanks to the good people in this forum) has really lifted a lot of this confusion, frustration and especially the guilt. I'm actually shocked at how much better I'm feeling!

 

I'm still very much interested in starting some therapy, I'm just trying to get my game-plan together (insurance, time, location, etc.). As for couples therapy, I'm not sure that is the way to go. I feel like my wife saw first-hand, up close and personal what that breakup did to me back then.

 

Sure, I haven't been totally honest with her about the prolonged secret heart-ache for the ex... but in reality I have dedicated my life to my wife in every way possible. She would describe me as the perfect Husband, again that is part of the irony here, and the primary reason I sought advice. I hope I'm not copping-out with this stance.

[secretdarkness]

In some ways I think you should get in touch with your ex. It might just take her off that pedestal. What if she's a completley different person now? Marriage and children must have changed her right? Instead of imagining this sexy bad girl imagine a mother, kids screaming, food down her top! What made her so special in the first place? I remember my ex being so hung up on his ex it drove me round the bend! When I left him it was me he was hung up on Ironic eh? Would you like your wife to treat you mean do you think? Does she know you're lonely at all?

 

Way too long! I'm starting to sort a few things out... and it is just flowing, I apologize in advance!

 

Hey Katerimo,-- Wow, you really know how to ask the provocative questions don't you ... I'm enjoying this self-exploration, and I definitely think it is good to get this stuff out. So lets see, I'll try to hit all your questions/scenarios:

 

re: Getting in touch with the ex now, in order to knock her off her pedestal.

Boy, this is an inteserting dilema. Obviously I've given it a great deal of thought over the years, and especially recently. One part of me, just wants to see her and talk with her... kinda laugh and catch-up. Like two old friends reconnecting, yu'know? I mean it has been a long, long time, it would be funny to see how much we have both changed. This would really quench the curiosity factor, and be kinda cool.

 

On the other hand, this proposition scares the living hell out of me! For some reason, something I still don't fully understand... The girl just makes me melt. I would hate to see her, and fall madly (back) in love with her. That could be disaterous for me at this stage of my life.

 

God, we met when we were just kids. I think I was 18 and she was like 16. We dated on and off for 6 years, eventually getting engaged before the horrible break-up. Now she is like 34, with 3 young children... I'm certain this would be a little shocking, I'm not sure how I would react?

 

Like you said, it my help finally knock her down in my mind, but I'm not sure?

 

re: What made her so special in the first place?

Again, this is a million dollar question. Even my good buddies & close friends were always mystified by my total obsession with this person. Obviously it was a combination of many variables.

 

Firstly, I had created someone like her in my mind years before I ever even met her (if that makes any sense???). Long story short, I grew up in NYC, but always dreamed of living in the country. I wanted to be captain of the football team and date the head cheerleader,... that type of thing. I always felt out of place in the city... well I finally got my wish (sort of), I was sent off to Military School (another long story) for my senior year of HS. I landed in the the most beautiful suburb setting you could imagine, but ironically I was even more trapped than before.

 

When I first met the ex, she would sneak up to the barracks and bring me care packages and write me the sweetest little letters. I remember those tight sweaters and big green eyes. We would sneak-out late at night, and mess around. She was like a dream come true. It was dangerous & romantic. She was a Beautiful rebel and I was the nice guy/bad-boy from the city far from home for the first time. It felt like a great movie!

 

Looks wise, I think she was my complete Ideal'. Long hair, hypnotic eyes, little turned up nose, very voluptuous, great smile and the mean-girl attituted really sealed the deal. I'm a very loyal person, and I felt a great sense of loyalty toward her because she made my hellish existence at the academy so much better.

 

Lastly, she was the ultimate challenge. She made me wait a long time before we got intimate. She was a very difficult person to connect with emotionally. Whereas I'm extremely sensitive & emotional, she could be cold & withdrawn a lot of the time. ... Things got alot more intense once we were both off at college, but that theme of her not letting me in, would haunt me for years.

 

When she did let me in to her heart, it was some of the best times of my life!... but also the worst. She wasn't acting like a Bad-Girl for no reason. She took me to some dark places, she experienced a couple of pretty bad things in her past... real heavy stuff. I believe I was always supportive & understanding. Maybe I thought I could rescue her or something? I treated that girl like gold. Eventually she gave me everything I desired, but we definitely had flaws as a couple... all these things drove me crazy.

 

This is getting a little drawnout... I have so much more to get into, but this is getting long.

 

Thanks for listening, this is definitely helping!!!

[sythem]

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[secretdarkness]

I am in a vastly similar situation to you. Minus about 10 years from the breakup period and about 18 years of age. Ex was abused, broke up with me b/c of her adopted parents pressured her too. I've been dating a best friend for the last 1 1/2 years, and I've told her everything. She's been very understanding of it all. I'm now in communication with my ex again and it's done nothing but complicate things further. For you, since you've married and you're happy, I'd suggest keeping your mind off your ex and being happy with the life you have. Trust me that you don't want to get into the situation I'm in when you've married and it's been that long. I hope the best for your recovery. And I pray you can start feeling the way you want to again. Plus, sleep helps. Try to get the sleep you need.

 

Hey sythem,-- Howsitgoing? I read your post this morning, and have been thinking about it all day long. Like if I could go back 10 years from today... listening to your story,I thought long and hard about what I'd do (if I had the chance).

 

Incredible how similar our backstories are... This forum has really helped, I definitely felt better the second I realized others felt the same things I was experiencing.I can really relate to your story man'! The girl has huge problems, her parents eventually poison our relationship, and then a new girl friend has to deal with the aftermath of it all (surprisingly she is supportive & understanding). Our stories match up a lot.

 

You know what kills me to this day? The mother literally hand picks me for her daughter... because I'm a (percieved "Nice-guy", and a Big-Time Officer at the Military Academy).. Surprisingly me and the mom become genuine friends, she was super-cool at first,and then the b*/tch turns on me. Her daughter had just been through an aweful experience, I am there to help pick up the pieces... frankly I do a great job BTW, and then one day I'm no longer good enough. No wonder I've been haunted about this for years.

 

I feel like a puzzle in my mind is starting to be solved... thanks for the kind words and support. You definitely helped me feel better today. One of the first times I ever felt really positive about just cutting her off and completely disapearing like I did back then. Maybe it really was for the best.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best with your situation. I'd love to hear more details/history about your story... Good Luck!!!!

[secretdarkness]

In some ways I think you should get in touch with your ex. It might just take her off that pedestal. What if she's a completley different person now? Marriage and children must have changed her right? Instead of imagining this sexy bad girl imagine a mother, kids screaming, food down her top! What made her so special in the first place? I remember my ex being so hung up on his ex it drove me round the bend! When I left him it was me he was hung up on Ironic eh? Would you like your wife to treat you mean do you think? Does she know you're lonely at all?

 

 

I was rambling so much in that last post that I missed a couple of your questions....

 

Right from the very beginning, my wife treated me, nearly identical to the way I treated the ex (if that makes any sense???). It was like a mirror image. All the extreme efforts I put into the relationship with the ex, were strangly similar to the way my future wife dealt-with me all along.

 

That was one of the reasons I loved her so much. She loved everything about me, complete and total acceptance right from the beginning. My wife saved my life, for that I am forever loyal. So no, I don't wish my wife treated me bad. That was a (confusing) isolated incident with the ex, that I still don't understand at all.

 

I was spiraling down fast after the break-up... My friends & family could not believe the depths of my despair... it was downright pitiful. When I say destroyed, I'm not exagerating one bit... The reality of losing my ex, turned my world to BLACK (thank God for Pearl Jam's song "Black")! My life was over as I knew it...

my future wife thought my ex was the dumbest girl in the world for dumping me. She guaranteed the ex would regret it one day, and that helped me heal alot.

 

Currently my wife does understand my lonliness, we make every effort to live it up on the weekends, ... my wife is an Angel, I love her to pieces!!!

[sythem]

Since you've expressed an interest in my story here it is. I met my ex when she and I were maybe 13. We saw eachother at random times over those 2 years when I hung out with her cousins. The whole time she had a crush on me that I didn't know about. Well one night at the community church service I saw her again for the first time in about a year and I thought to myself, "I'm single and she's really pretty so what the heck" The next day I was gonna ask her cousin whether she was dating someone. Well I didn't even get the chance. Her cousin dragged me out of the lunch room and told me that my ex had had a crush on me for the past 2 years and she wanted to date me. Well for 2 years, (1 1/2 of it being long distance only getting to see eachother 1 time a month) we were as devoted to each other as anyone could be. Then b/c of the abuse she received as a child she was taken from her parents and given to the couple that pastored the church after my family moved *My dad was the pastor before* But seing as how we had been intimate, her adopted parents hated me. It didn't matter how polite or kind I was. I was still that devil boy. Well, after a few months of living with them, they convinced her that she was obsessed with me and that it wasn't healthy. In the end, they all but physically forced her to break it off with me. I was crushed. I didn't resort to things you had but the thought of never dating anyone else was very tempting. But I emotionally cut myself off for the past 2 years. Only recently when I started really caring for my current girlfriend did the emotional wall break down and memories of her came crashing in on me. My girlfriend encouraged me to talk to her so I got a mutual friend to get a hold of her for me. So we've been talking for about a month and a half and the 3 of us seem to all be very confused now. My ex still cares for me, but she's scared of a lot of things (what people think of her, she feels she's being called to be a missionary which I'm not sure I'd go through even for her b/c I want a settled down life with a family and such). I've gotten my own feelings figured out and have made all but made my decision. And my current girlfriend is confused b/c after all this starting happening, she started being more honest with me and told me about her secret crush on a good friend of mine. So bassically, I'm sitting here waiting on my ex to make up her mind what she wants, and if she wants another try, I then have to make the transition from boy friend back to just friend with my current girlfriend. It's something we have discussed a lot and we both feel that we can and will be good friends for the rest of our lives whether or not we stay together. Now, had I had a ring on my finger, my first response would have not been to contact my ex, but to goto a phsycologist. Which is what I hope you will do if you can't get through it on your own with your wife's support. But from my experience over the last month I say cut off your feelings for you ex. They will bring you nothing but trouble in your situation. And remember that what if's can only waste the little time you have to make the real world and your real life better.

[secretdarkness]

Very true! You have had years to build up this fantasy of this woman, regardless of what the reality of your relationship was years ago. Obviously the stress of day to day life with your wife cannot stand up to this fantasy. You need to really make a decision that you will not contact her or you may end up in a situation that you will regret. You say you're happy, you know you can't be with her...you need to find a way to let it go. Re-engage with your wife, date her, try to rekindle some romance...

 

I was in a similar situation and trust me, nothing but pain will come of it if you don't find a way to resolve this.

 

 

Hey petlady,-- I like your style! I have a suspicion You' are a very intense person like me (in everyday life). Thank You for your No-nonsense take on my situation, I do appreciate it! This forum has really impressed me, thanks to the many intelligent/helpful people that have shared stories, and given advice & support.

 

So You' think it's "Fantasy-Ex-Girlfriend" vs. "Stressed-Out-Wife" waging war inside my head? Wow, this self analysis is somewhat difficult for me, ... but I'll try to be totally honest. Your statement is probably somewhat accurate. God, I hate to admit that. That sucks.

 

When I finally crawled out from under my rock after the break-up, I started going out and trying to hook-up with a vengeance! This is how most guys deal with heart-break. Ironically, I met my wife soon into my “I’m Finally-Single” revenge phase.

 

Right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do? Some how, some way, the ex's mother has turned into a very powerful (multi-millionaire) BANK CEO. I'm finding it ridiculously impossible to get any info on the family (because of security reasons), ... basically I'm having a hard time finding any contact information on her, so my decision may already be made for me, because I basically just can't find her!

 

I think I may have an address that the ex might still be connected to, (like 50/50 possibly). Its like an hour away... I'm half tempted to drive by and knock on the door... just to say hi.....

 

Wow, I'm still not sure what to do ???

[secretdarkness]

sythem,-- Thank You for taking the time to share your story. All I can say is, Wow !!! You've been put in an extremely difficult scenario. Big issues all around and in every direction,: ... Love, Hate, Betrayal, Long Distance, Confusion, Abuse, History, Heart-Ache, Frienship, etc., etc., etc. ... this is intense/complicated stuff.

 

I honestly feel like I am making real strides to solve this thing. Therapy is still definitely an option, but in all sincerity... I've already had a real break through, and I'm feeling a lot better (that was the whole point of coming here and starting this thread).

 

What some people aren't understanding here about my situation... is that I love my wife, and we have no problems. She wouldn't of been able to accept the (out of town) job if our marriage wasn't rock-solid. I have the issue (internally), but in reality I use the inner turmoil to live a happy, productive life. It has always driven me. I'm totally dedicated to my beautiful wife, I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have her. I've always known that I made the right decision with her.

 

Thanks again, my only advice is to look at the big picture. When you are young things move at a slower pace and issues seem more magnified, as you get older time speeds up, and you can get locked into situations that become progressively harder to get out of. You sound like a caring, sensitive person... but always make sure you are doing whats best for you First! Put your well-being and happiness above all else.

 

Good Luck !!!!

[secretdarkness]

Acouple of people commented on this, so here it goes:

 

SLEEP... My great mystery & enemy. I can honestly say, Ive never had a good night of sleep in my entire life. occasionally I will get acouple of quality hours in a row, but that is few and far between. Mostly it is a very light, very uncomfortable, surreal nightmarescape, usually haunted by tragic memories of my first-love. Once in awhile, I'll get lucky... and it will be a erotic adventure, but then I feel guilty and confused. It almost always ends in betrayal or disappointment.

 

I feel like I've been through a war when I rise in the morning. And believe me, the older I get the worse it gets. I destroyed my body playing hockey, and boy am I paying the price for it now.

 

I've tried many remedies, but they either have drastic side-effects, or they don't last. It is truly a Curse! I'm surprised I've made it this far in life without being able to sleep properly. I feel like I could of been President of The United States if I could only get some rest.

 

God Bless those who can't sleep... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, truly a burden.

[secretdarkness]

because u truly loved her! Did she loved u back? No right?

 

Who valued you? who was the one who acceptedd you when u were totally broken, "ur wife". right!

 

First one was ur infactuation and u were totally in flew of ur emotions, ur wife is the one, who loved u so much that she accepted u not only with ur past but also supported u to get over her!

 

Just think for a moment, who was there for you when u were down, broken, needed someones help?

 

Hey confused84,-- For the record, my ex did love me. That's part of the painful reality of my situation here. In fact she said the famous words before I did (Although I probably felt them first). Young Love can be intense & complicated.

 

Believe it or not, I wasn't that impressed the first time I met the ex, definitely no love at first sight. I thought she was a little young and somewhat conceited the first time I met her. Her younger brother was a cadet under me.... The ex was coming out of a nightmare situation, the mother sought the sons advice, and I was instantly recruited.

 

 

Fastforward years later, The worst day of my adult life was when I realized she had slept with someone else. She lied at first, but when I pressed her on it... I was asking about her love life.. she passively admitted it. The feeling is as painful today as it was 12 years ago... it hurt beyond belief. Thank God for friends and family. because I started to sink fast. To this day, I've never recovered from that conversation.

 

I saw her one more time after that, and then I cut her off forever!!! The whole experience toughened me up in the ways of the world. I still have a hard time with trust issues to this day because of that. Now I'm feeling Bad again, this is never going to end.

[secretdarkness]

Well I'm not sure what happened, but I'm feeling worse than ever right now. I was feeling better, but now all these old feeling are coming back really hard & fast. I was feeling so much better, I had thought I'd turned a corner.... I wish I could just talk to her for a minute. I still miss the ex so f*/cking much. Why didn't she try and find me years later when she realized she had made a mistake? I can't take this anymore.

[justlookin]

Hi Secret Darkness,good post!!!,Not too many people can be as honest as you.Sounds like you are in therapy!--12 yrs is a long time to think about someone and not do somethng about it.I know kinda know you feel,we all are unique individuals and no one can comprehend completely what we feel.It has been 4 yrs for me with the same thoughts as you,so you are not alone.I am not in the same situation as you,but i can relate.Some of us just feel things in a higher degree and it takes us longer to adjust.I hope mine does not last 12 yrs we have the ability to change ourselves,but i honestly believe that others have the ability to change us too.It sounds like she and others did that a long time ago, victums and there is no justice.I have found that in my life when others have wronged me,I tend to cherish the feelings of being wronged,and dwell on it.I like you have stayed busy doing things and and excelling in my career,not giving me time to think,but now that i have lots of time to think it drives me crazy.Love is a very powerful force,and not too many have really experienced it,it can make change and do things that we would not necessarly do.Sometimes I confuse Love with the thought of being in Love.I am learning now how to differentiate between my thoughts and my feelings.(emotions).I do not usually respond here,just read about others and it helps me realize that we are just people and we all have a story.There is a thing called Guilt,I put it in two catagories.(False guilt and true guilt)Most of us know deep within us which is which,and it sounds like you are on that path.

[karvala]

Well I'm not sure what happened, but I'm feeling worse than ever right now. I was feeling better, but now all these old feeling are coming back really hard & fast. I was feeling so much better, I had thought I'd turned a corner.... I wish I could just talk to her for a minute. I still miss the ex so f*/cking much. Why didn't she try and find me years later when she realized she had made a mistake? I can't take this anymore.

 

Hang on in there. You're reaching a crisis point, which can better be labelled as the beginning of the final healing process.

 

After reading your first post, I was immediately (and unusually for suggestions on here) going to suggest counselling/therapy, and I'm glad to see many other people agree that this is the way to go at this point for you, which I'm really sure it is. And the sooner, the better.

 

It sounds as though you never entirely had a chance to heal after the breakup, to recover the sense of trust, to answer or put away the questions that needed answering, and instead you've distracted yourself from them for a long time, but they've lain dormant there, waiting to surface at a time when you're vulnerable.

 

I have to be honest, and say that you sound, in your thought patterns and the possibility of even going to see her, obsessive about this individual. That's something that needs to be addressed and actively combated, both through therapy and through mental exercises to fight those obsessive thoughts.

 

I'm sure you shouldn't go to see your ex before you take counselling. If you remain set on the idea then, discuss it with a professional, and consider a way to possibly tell your current wife about the situation if it's decided that you should visit the ex. I'm not saying that you should definitely do either; it could go either way. If you did see her, you might realise she's now also 12 years older, perhaps not as beautiful, probably a good deal calmer/duller, and realise that the person you're thinking about now no longer exists. You might also get answers to the questions that you can't stop asking yourself. On the other hand, it can feed the obsession, especially if the answers don't make sense to you (and there's a fair chance that they won't) and certainly if you found yourself wanting to make repeat visits, you'd be in real trouble. It's not a step you should take lightly, if at all, and not without consulting someone first.

 

Meanwhile, here's something else to think about: the possibility of losing your current wife. Focus on it for a while, imagine life without her, imagine her without you, moving on with her life. Would you miss her? What would you miss about her? In what ways is she great? She can't replace the life you would have had with the ex, but she has offered an alternative life, and still does so, that can be even better. The challenge is to make yourself believe it.

 

You're in a dark place right now, I know, but it's going to get better, I guarantee it.

[secretdarkness]

Hey Justlookin,-- Thank You so much for responding... this thread has really been an eye-opener for me. I haven't figured out how to start professional therapy quite yet, (I'm definitely alittle scared to commit, and I'm terrified this may open up a ton of other deep rooted stuff)... but coming here and getting totally honest has been a big start for me.

 

I have always believed in therapy, and other people have told me, I have the unique ability to get totally real' & honest so it will probably be a good match. I've never been against getting therapy, and I have done it in the past (not related to this) with some success. My Mother is a huge self-help/therapy type person... so I was raised to be very aware of many issues. My Family tree is littered with many different disorders & abuse, I feel fairly enlightened on getting help, and trying to get better.

 

I can definitely relate to what you are saying about "cherishing the feeling of being wronged". Hell, I've used that feeling every single day for the last twelve years! I think I had a little set back yesterday because I thought I was starting to "let go" for the first time in many years. At first I was feeling better, but then I felt all weird and empty. The pain was starting to disappear, but instead of feeling better, I started to panic and feel really different inside. Like, "who the f*/ck am I" really ??? Who is this person I've turned into type thing.

 

That famous line, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never of loved at all" has always spun around in my head. Sure I'm so greatful to have had the great times and experiences with the ex, but I never suspected it would be this complicated or take so long to figure out when it ended. I wouldn't erase her from my mind if I had the chance, but at the same time, I can't go on like this... I need to get help for sure.

 

Thanks again for sharing your story, and the kind words of encouragement... it helps more than you can imagine.

[secretdarkness]

Hey Karvala,-- Thanks for taking the time to comment on my situation, words cannot describe how appreciative I am... this forum has been nothing short of incredible! Because of good people like you (and the many others) I'm starting to deal with this situation for the first time.

 

You bring up so many good points, and they are all accurate in reguard to my situation... especially the questions you pose in terms of my wife. I can't even imagine life without her. If something ever happened... I probably wouldn't be able to go on. She means everything to me.

 

I haven't brought this up in any other post, but I feel it is relevent to this line of questioning. My wife has been sick for the last 5-6 years. Just recently she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. We went many years without being able to pin-point the diagnosis (which was beyond frustrating). She had all the pain and symptoms of many disorders, but it has been an incredibly long and difficult road to finally putting a name on it.

 

My wife has been a warrior, never giving up & never giving in. Always working, being proactive in her treatment and never giving up! Well guess who has been there the entire time? Right by her side, all the hundreds of doctor appointments, sleepless nights, crying and pain... the answer is me.

 

Like I said in my first post... I am one of the most loyal people you will meet. I am forever loyal to my wife for helping me pick-up the pieces after my break-up, and subsequently putting me on track to be the best person I can be. My wife is a hundred times the woman my ex will ever be. I know I made the right decision, when I decided to marry her. My wife is a Beautiful person.

All of this, just makes it all the more complicated. I have everything a man could want in terms of a mate, yet I'm typing in the middle of the night about an ex girlfriend from 12 years ago that betrayed me...

 

Thanks again!!! I'd love to speak with you more about this when I'm not so exhausted... Your words really Help!

[secretdarkness]

New Developments:

 

Since I've been snooping-around & trying to pick up Info on the ex, I have created a profile on "myspace" & used a 'link removed" search type-thing.

 

Anyway, I SWEAR TO GOD !!! Not One... but TWO ex-girlfriends contacted me in the last two-weeks. I'm talking 20 years ago here people. I was also madly "In-Love" with both of these girls. Can't believe I was contacted right as I'm going thru this ordeal right now. I did nothing, these girls saught me out.... I'm zooming on a natural high.

 

I'm feeling some form of validation right now... because both girls stated what a great/nice guy I was. Both chicks literally were flirting hot & heavy. This is weird, I cant believe the timing of this. Both girls stated what a great guy I was. How sweet & nice I acted in the relationships. One ex literally wanted to meet me in a hotelroom for an out of town get together, and the other was as sweet & genuine as can be. We are also getting together for a pre- 20 Year High School reunion party in NYC!

 

I'm starting to learn, that I put too much "self-worth" into what ex thought of me. This obsession with the ex, is becoming much more clear now. We want what we cant have, and I too closely asociate my wild carpidiem youth with her memories. I was much more than her.

I'm feeling so great, these reconnections to my past are making me feel ecstatic! I lost track with so many people when I moved away. Life is so funny sometimes. I'm happy right now!

 

I also had a great conversation with my mother (we have been friendly but cold for many years), and I'm real close to starting therapy this week.

 

Thanks again to everyone, this place has helped so much.

[secretdarkness]

Hey All,-- Well, it looks like I won't be able to start therapy for another week... but I must say, I'm feeling so much better. I've learned so much, by getting honest with myself, and seeking out help.

 

I have made a huge effort to reconnect with my past. When I cut all ties and moved away years ago it wasn't just about the situation with the ex, it was about starting over and finding/reinventing myself.

 

It was super-uncool of me to just disappear like that, but in the last couple of days I've talked to numerous friends from the past, and I've been welcomed back with open arms! To my surprise, they all understood why I left.

 

I'm still learning that the thing' with the ex, is intricate & complicated... and in reality it isn't so much about her, but really it is about me. Looking back on this thread, I must say you guys were very accurate about me & my position right from the start.

 

THANKS AGAIN!!! I've got a ways to go, but I feel a big sense of relief as well... You guys are the Best !!!

[Cyprian]

SecretDarkness

 

As you have read my posts, you know what I am going through right now. I haven't read every single post in this thread yet, but I read most of them and will get to the rest soon.

 

I am glad I read this thread, but also angry at the same time. You remind me of myself...the intensity, the trouble sleeping, the amount of love you have to give...And reading your post made me realize that I will be in your situation some day. I will have the ability to love someone else, but never as I loved HER. I have been feeling really bad lately, heck I don't even think it has been a week since I found out she was cheating on me...My brain hasn't been working properly for the last few days...my track of time is all jumbled.

 

I guess I just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are a great person. It is probably horrifying to go through what you are going through, and I know for a fact that my whole life I will love HER more than anyone, even myself. People say this is bad, but I can't help that, it is simply the truth. I wish I had some advice for you, but I see myself in you, 12 years down the line, and I wish you had some advice for me...

 

Update:

Ok I finished reading through. I am glad that you are getting through this. The one post about the two old GFs made me stop crying and smile for once. (What kind of man cries, by the way? I never really was the crying type...) I want to preface my next statement by saying that after reading through all your posts, I realized all the differences between me and you. There are many similarities, but many differences as well.

 

I really feel that some people have an understanding of true love compared to others. I think you are one of these people. I am trying to figure out how to describe what I mean, and as of now the only real analogy that comes to mind is the difference between Sympathy and Empathy...I don't really know. Anyway I just wanted you to know that reading your words has changed my outlook on my future...I am really confused with my situation, I was betrayed (that word should be enough for you, I know) and yet I still LOVE HER more than anything! I'll keep watching to see what happens to you, brother. Hopefully we will all be OK in the end...

 

By the way, I think the best advice in this thread is to think of your wife, and how much you love her...

[secretdarkness]

I'm glad you read the whole thread

 

Cyprian,--

 

Dude, "Take-It-Easy" Man', I'm right with you... Trust me, (much to my surprise) things are so much better with me right now Brother'. At this moment, I'm soaring on a natural high because I'm finally learing to "Let-Go"... (12 f*/c*ing years later my-friend', I understand the pain you are feeling right now!) Don't hold onto the Anger for so long like me, rise above it, and Let It Go Man'!

 

Those two other ex's made me feel like a million bucks last week. The timing was great. I treated them the same as the ex that drove me insane. The ex had the serious issues at the time, not me, ... I know (deep down) she regrets her decision... whether she ever contacted me or not, she F'd up, and she knows it.

 

Always remember that, she will contemplate crawling back to you one day... It wasn't me all these years, it was her. It took me way too long to realize that. Learn from the thread... You are a great person with a h*/ll of alot to offer.... She is the one that f*/cked up, not you... she will deeply regret it one day, but you'll have moved on. Life is very ironic like that, you'll realize that one day when your my age.

 

I swear to God, this place helped me a lot. Embrace the anger, make her the enemy.... it's her, not you.

 

I desperately needed some knowledge, and I got it from many different angles. I seriously convinced myself that I was totally alone in a completely unique situation. Well the reality is that I'm not alone, neither are you. Just the fact that you came to a place like this, shows me a great deal about your character.

 

Bro, "I'm not lying", my wife is ahundred times the Woman my ex is... You will move on, because you are that type of person, I know it... For the record, My Wife is hotter, smarter, Cooler and way more Sexy... the only thing my wife lacks is that she wasn't the first, and she didn't break my heart... my ex holds those honors, unfortunately

 

Think about everything I've said......

 

Thanks for commenting on my story.

[Cyprian]

Bro, my wife is a hundred times the woman my ex is... she is hotter, smarter, Cooler and way more Sexy...

 

Therein lies the difference: I am all alone...I don't even WANT anyone else. I want HER. I'm not thinking about sex. I don't want to have sex at all. I don't even want to have sex with HER, unless it was beautiful and romantic again. I just want to comb my hand through her hair, kiss her lips and neck...this is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt.

 

I am pretty sure that I am going to spend the next years just as you did. This makes me think twice about this NC thing. If in the end of NC, she doesn't get back together with me, what the hell is the point? I don't CARE about healing myself...the only true healing would be sharing a moment with HER.

[secretdarkness]

Therein lies the difference: I am all alone...I don't even WANT anyone else. I want HER. I'm not thinking about sex. I don't want to have sex at all. I don't even want to have sex with HER, unless it was beautiful and romantic again. I just want to comb my hand through her hair, kiss her lips and neck...this is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt.

 

I am pretty sure that I am going to spend the next years just as you did. This makes me think twice about this NC thing. If in the end of NC, she doesn't get back together with me, what the hell is the point? I don't CARE about healing myself...the only true healing would be sharing a moment with HER.

 

OMG, you are taking me back to a very, very dark place Brother. I still feel the "sting" Man... I felt the same Love you are experiencing'. Yes, I've moved on, and I'm happily married... but I still remember holding my ex so close. Laughing one minute, then Making Love and Crying at the same time the next. Trying so hard to Live my life like Romeo & Juliet... that was totally me man. I pushed the envelope so hard. I loved her more than life itself, I would have died to make it work. I swear I know how you feel Man'.

 

I think about her everyday, but life goes on.... trust me, the next girl will blow your mind !!!

[Cyprian]

Im sorry I took you back, I didn't mean to do that to you man.

 

About finding the next girl who will blow my mind, I really don't know about this. I have such a weird set of stipulations on what a girl should be for me, and after the exhausting list, in the end of it, THEY need to want me as well! It just seems IMPOSSIBLE that I will ever find someone that meets my list of what I want in a partner AND who wants me as well...unless my EX comes back to me, and I forgive her (at this stage I bet I could forgive her in 2 minutes time)...

 

Anyway, I would say to you that tonight you should do something special for your wife, but I know you are the type of person who ALWAYS does special things for her...I hope some day I can show my wife the affection and love she deserves, whoever she might be...

[secretdarkness]

Cyprian,-- No problem man! Believe me, I've been returning to that dark place in my subconscious on my own for years. Your story just took me back to an unbearable time. I'm not afraid to talk about it, and explore it now... in fact it helps so much. You are going through a time period i think I can help you with alittle.

 

During my long mourning period, I dropped out of college, moved back home for the summer (something I swore I would never do), Alone in the basement I started drinking heavily & self medicating to excess. Cried day & night, night & day. Endlessly looked at old pictures & letters... pretending it was a bad dream, always praying she would change her mind and want me back.

 

Thoughts of suicide & revenge overwhelmed me. I Would't go out, wouldn't take calls from anyone. I just obsessed and obsessed over the ex. The pain only made me love her more at first. I put all the hate on myself, when in reality it should have been directed at her (and her mother)!

 

Picturing her with another guy, scr*/wing some new guy (my replacement) drove me over the edge. The jealous rage within me started to get out of control. If I wasn't so far away, I would have killed the new boyfriend... I was starting to lose a grip on reality. I don't take being betrayed lightly... my world turned to complete "blackness". I was paying the ultimate price for young love gone bad.

 

You must let family & friends help you right now. That is the only way to break the cycle... and climb out of the place you are in right now.

 

But I also used this time to create a list of what I wanted in a new girl. It is funny that you mentioned a list in your post, because I really' made one. I made a real list of 100 things I wanted/needed in a new girl and that actually started the slow healing process for me. The list made it crystal clear that I wasn't satisfied with the ex. Obviously she wasn't perfect, if I was craving so many things from her.

 

I have really enjoyed talking with you, even in your pain, you are helping me at this moment... it is scary, we are so much alike man. Stay in touch, sharing what you are going through will speed up the revovery. I swear to God, this whole devestation will help lead you to a new person, one day when you are ready.

 

Be good to yourself, you will survive this !!!