Still Crushed, 12 years later... need help

[Cyprian]

Everything you just said hit me real hard. That is nearly EXACTLY how I feel. It should make me feel better knowing that millions of people have felt the same way. In fact, nearly everyone in the world probably feels like this at some point. It doesn't help though. I feel like garbage...

 

But I also used this time to create a list of what I wanted in a new girl. It is funny that you mentioned a list in your post, because I really' made one. I made a real list of 100 things I wanted/needed in a new girl and that actually started the slow healing process for me. The list made it crystal clear that I wasn't satisfied with the ex. Obviously she wasn't perfect, if I was craving so many things from her.

 

For me, my list IS my ex. Sure, I would have liked someone who was even more beautiful, more smart...etc. The only true thing that I need in a lover now that my ex didn't have (well she did have it for 6 years, and then lost it the last few months) is TRUST and HONESTY.

 

Wow I am really in a bad place right now. This NC is NOT for my situation, I know it isn't. I think this NC is pushing me closer and closer to the edge of a precipice, I don't think it is healing me, and I am DAMN sure that it isn't bringing my ex anywhere NEAR coming back to me...

[sweethurt]

look, just personal perception, it may be that you took it over your ego when your ex left and your ego hurt very bad, and you still want her back not because you like her but to knw what went wrong.. man things dont work sometimes with the bestest of people... to me, if you *really* like your wife, that may be the only reason you want her back... and on the other hand, there may be something lacking in you that she made you feel better about, well, find that part of yourself and overcome it, you may suddenly start not liking her.. and in fact you may want to throw her out of your memories..

[secretdarkness]

look, just personal perception, it may be that you took it over your ego when your ex left and your ego hurt very bad, and you still want her back not because you like her but to knw what went wrong.. man things dont work sometimes with the bestest of people... to me, if you *really* like your wife, that may be the only reason you want her back... and on the other hand, there may be something lacking in you that she made you feel better about, well, find that part of yourself and overcome it, you may suddenly start not liking her.. and in fact you may want to throw her out of your memories..

 

 

Hey Sweethurt, -- thanks for commenting on my story, it is very much appreciated.

 

You are so right... back then I though I wen't through the normal grieving process, but I never included really "Hating" Her'. I held on too tightly to the possibility of her coming back. I thought that we had been through so much together, that one day she would realize the error of her ways and try to get me back. (Hell she might have, but I really did disappear into thin air).

 

Right now, for the first time in 12 years, I'm finally starting to get mad! Not just heart-broken and confused, but really angry. I was perpetually trapped in a state of hoping & wishing that she would find me. I was unable to really put closure on the situation because of that (even though I definitely did move on with my life).

 

Because of this forum, I'm feeling so much better. I'm also doing other things in my life to get me reconnected to the "old-me". I'm getting ready for my 20 year High School reunion, I'm playing Flag Football & Ice Hockey again... I'm really putting a big effort into this, and so far it is amazing!

 

Thanks again!

[Cyprian]

back then I though I wen't through the normal grieving process, but I never included really "Hating" Her'. I held on too tightly to the possibility of her coming back. I thought that we had been through so much together, that one day she would realize the error of her ways and try to get me back. (Hell she might have, but I really did disappear into thin air).

 

Right now, for the first time in 12 years, I'm finally starting to get mad! Not just heart-broken and confused, but really angry. I was perpetually trapped in a state of hoping & wishing that she would find me. I was unable to really put closure on the situation because of that (even though I definitely did move on with my life).

 

Man this is a wake up call for me...except although I hear the alarm bells ringing, I am still sleeping through them...

 

I know this is EXACTLY what I have to do in order to get over this: get ANGRY. Your experience of 12 years can teach me all I need to know in order to overcome these horrible events. I was hoping that it was just the stage of the process that I was in that doesn't allow me to get angry at her, and soon I will be able to get angry at her. I just hope it doesn't take 12 years...and on the flip side, I don't WANT to get angry at her...I just want to hold her in my arms and cry.

 

Any advice on how to properly look at this betrayal and concealment so that I feel the CORRECT emotions (hate, disgust, anger) instead of the ones I am feeling (love, empathy, pity)...?

[secretdarkness]

I want to thank you again, I'm truly shocked at how much I've learned about my situation, from listening to you & your story. This has been an on-going puzzle in my mind. Finally, Like someone solving a rubicks-cube in my brain, everything is starting to "line-up" nice & clear for me.

 

I never took that last step in a complete greiving process. Even after I got over the hurt, I still believed in my heart of hearts that she would come back for me. 12 years later I'm just dealing with this now... It has been a hellish journey at times, but the feeling of understanding & relief is incredible.

 

My advice would be to grab a Starbucks at Barnes n' Noble and go to the self-help section or whatever, and buy a book on the subject... or just do a google search on "grieving after heartbreak". I also think the main page here at "e not alone" may have some resources as well.

 

Good Luck my friend, I'm glad you are figuring sh*/t out... you were extremely intelligent to come here and share. There was no internet back when I went through my collapse... it might have saved me acouple of years of mental torture.

 

Good Luck Bro! Definitely Keep us updated.

[Cyprian]

Hey secret - I've thought about going to starbucks and grabbing a self-help book, but every time I think about it I get embarrassed just thinking about it! Maybe I'll buy one online or just be a man and not care what other people think...

[secretdarkness]

Hey secret - I've thought about going to starbucks and grabbing a self-help book, but every time I think about it I get embarrassed just thinking about it! Maybe I'll buy one online or just be a man and not care what other people think...

 

Hey Cyprian,-- Dude, don't be embarrassed... Life is way too short to worry about what total strangers think. If by some crazy chance someone asks, or looks at you funny just say you are doing a research project or something like that.

 

A book on the subject will really explore all the different stages we talked about, it will also give you some simple mental exercises you can do to allieviate some of the acute pain you are experiencing now.

 

You've mentioned "Acting-Like-a-Man" a couple of times, ... IMO, you are being a real man by confronting this thing head on like you are doing. You are NOT hiding-out in the basement, getting completely wasted & giving up (like some people I know)

 

Keep that head up Man', your ex made a huge mistake letting you go. She will definitely regret it one day, guaranteed! ... they always do!!!

 

Peace

[Cyprian]

You are NOT hiding-out in the basement, getting completely wasted & giving up (like some people I know)

 

Hmm...actually I have certainly been doing my fair share of that...

 

I've been trying to hold my head up at the same time though. How are you doing my friend?

[secretdarkness]

Hmm...actually I have certainly been doing my fair share of that...

 

I've been trying to hold my head up at the same time though. How are you doing my friend?

 

I'm doing pretty good I guess. I was all lined up to start therapy this week, but I was unable to finalize the situation... so I'm sorta at a cross-roads as to whether or not I want to start now.

 

I've learned so much the last couple of weeks, and I've been feeling so much better... I think I may wait a bit.

 

I must admit, I'm still thinking about the ex... but in a much healthier way now. I felt really trapped & depressed when I first created this thread, but now I think I just miss her in a more normal sense.

 

I have found an address I think she may be at, (about an hour away) and I'm seriously thinking about just going over there. I don't want to seem like a stalker or a psycho, but my curiosity level is at an all time high.

 

I've definitely let go of the feeling that we can ever be together again, but now I just want to see her. I want to try and reconnect as friends. I do think this is possible, I may be crazy, who-knows??? I was confused as to whether this would be a good idea at first, but now I'm more convinced than ever that it might actually help me put even more closure to this never-ending saga.

 

I've made a lot of progress, and I don't want to f*/ck it up, ... but I'm still so curious to see her. I know I'm doing this all behind my wifes back, which is uncool... but I'm the one who has been dealing with this secretly all these years... I'm just trying to be happy and satisfied with the situation for once.

 

I can't believe the ex has 3 young kids, she is literally the last person in the world I thought would have children. I guess just like me, she changed a lot as well. I'm feeling really confident about myself right now, and I just want to see her face-to-face.

 

I'm not sure what do do, but at least I'm feeling much, much , much better!

 

Thanks for asking! How are you today? Have you been able to locate anything on those stages of the grieving process? Let me know.

 

Peace

[sweethurt]

hey ya SD dear,

i just posted something, dont know where did that go

neways, first, in my opinion, you should not postpone your visit to a therapist

Next, if you are really sure that on seeing her, you WILL NOT actually want her to the point that it amounts to infidelity (sorry for that harsh word), then I say go and do it, and find things about her and that relationship that you MISS, thats a fact you miss things, because you want something only until you lack it.

MAKE IT A REAL TIME CASE STUDY FOR YOURSELF

AND THEN>>>>>RECREATE THAT MAGIC WITH YOUR WIFE>>AND PUT MORE MAGIc INTO IT

i am sure you can do it..

[Cyprian]

How are you today? Have you been able to locate anything on those stages of the grieving process? Let me know.

 

Today I felt horrible in the morning. Then I started to feel better as the day progressed. Then some friends came over, and although I thought I would feel great, I ended up getting really depressed for some reason. I don't know if I am going through 'stages' of the grieving process - it seems like I am being bombarded with all the stages at once...I haven't gone to the bookstore yet, but I will let you know soon enough.

 

Earlier today I was thinking about your situation. I know you are still hurting a little, but I was just thinking of how lucky you are! I wish I could be happily married, and I don't want to downplay your problems - I can actually imagine how you have been feeling - but I think you are so lucky to be happily married!

 

I am young and as they say I have my whole life ahead of me - but I would do nearly ANYTHING to have my ex back (the woman that I knew before, not the woman that she has 'changed' into) and that I could get down on one knee, hold her hand in mine, look into her eyes, and ask her if she would spend the rest of her life with me...:sad:

[secretdarkness]

Hey Ellie,-- I always love your posts, they really force me to be honest and examine my situation with some objectivity (if that is possible), thanks again for your insight and advice... I will take your words to heart, most definitely.

 

I'm a little pissed that the therapy thing fell apart, I was all set to jump in... but then it didn't work out, and I didn't pursue my plan B. I know I need to talk with some one about this serious situation... even though I'm feeling a lot better, my history and pattern with the ex definitely need some professional intervention.

 

Thanks to this place, the subtle changes I've already made and things I've researched on the net....

 

Here's where my head and heart are at right now:

POSITIVES

-I'm not obsessing about the ex during sleepless nights anymore.

-I believe I have really, finally taken her off the (fantasy level) pedestal I had her on for all these years. I'm seeing her more realistically for the first time, I think?

-I have reconnected with other people from my past that I lost when I moved away. I'm talking with old buddies, other ex-girlfriends & I'm planning on attendind my 20 year HS reunion. (All things I haven't done in many, many years).

-I'm playing Ice Hockey & Flag Football again, getting back in great shape, and basically feeling very happy & confident.

 

NEGATIVES

-I'm still involved in a big secret here, I have some lingering guilt & I desperately don't want this to hurt my wife in any way, shape or form.

-I have been really contemplating just knocking on the ex's door. It's just that, when I started NC all those years ago, I did it ALL-THE-WAY !!! For years I dreamed that she would find me, or I would run into her, or just see her one more time. I used to look for her (subconsciously) in crowds, in other cars, everywhere... for many, many years I did this. Now (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) I think I know where she is, and it is giving me a bit of a "Rush", because I've never been this close to finding her before... it was always a big mystery. Now I finally feel like she is within reach.

 

FUTURE

I totally understand what you are saying about my curiosity, but I'm determined to prove to myself that I can try to be friends with her now. This frienship idea is new, I'm just starting to explore it. I also want her to see me and how I turned out. Like I said, I'm feeling great, looking good, & I want her to know what she missed out on!

 

Ellie,-- I just want to see her. Really look in her eyes. It would be super intense and emotional, I'm sure. Seriously, Have you ever secretly thought of someone' that you lost every single day of your life, have you ever felt so worthless inside because you thought you weren't good enough, trust me it hurts beyond-belief some times.

 

I'm definitely sounding more like a psycho again, I know I need the councelling even though I'm feeling better... this is like a never-ending saga for me.

 

I appreciate your input

[secretdarkness]

hey ya SD dear,

i just posted something, dont know where did that go

neways, first, in my opinion, you should not postpone your visit to a therapist

Next, if you are really sure that on seeing her, you WILL NOT actually want her to the point that it amounts to infidelity (sorry for that harsh word), then I say go and do it, and find things about her and that relationship that you MISS, thats a fact you miss things, because you want something only until you lack it.

MAKE IT A REAL TIME CASE STUDY FOR YOURSELF

AND THEN>>>>>RECREATE THAT MAGIC WITH YOUR WIFE>>AND PUT MORE MAGIc INTO IT

i am sure you can do it..

 

What's up Sweethurt,-- (did you find the missing post, scroll back acouple of pages?) Anyway, I know I messed up the therapy thing. I was really close... It just didn't happen.

 

INFIDELITY.... Funny thought, but I doubt it. If she just attacked me (like the old days ), I'll be honest, it might be hard to refuse, but I really doubt it.

 

Although, I swear, during our last conversation, we did joke about being each others first affair someday. We were laughing and joking around about it. It was like, "Alright, Things didn't work out, but we have a long history, and we do love each other on some level", ... we only got along great when we get back together after a breakup anyway type thing. Does that make sense?

 

It was innocent, not serious... but I have always remembered those words and clenched them tight inside.

 

I have never cheated on my wife, this whole obsession has never been about infidelity.... I don't think?

 

During my worst sleepless nights, the dreams would always be real intimate for sure, can't lie about that.... replaying old memories over & over in every detail, I've always done that. The dreams would also be filled with Huge feelings of Betrayal, Humiliation & HeartBreak usually.

 

This is difficult, this girl has had such a huge impact on my life, why can't I let it go completely.

 

Being alone during the week, isn't helping this......

[secretdarkness]

I wanted to marry my ex so bad as well . (I really wanted to have kids with her). I even put some money down on a nice stone. I knew her mother wouldn't let her, but I wanted the ex to know I was serious. I wanted to show her that she meant everything to me. The whole situation back fired and the Mother really wanted me out of the picture after that. During or last meeting, the ex put her head down and started to cry when she asked me what I did with the ring... I was so hurt that I didn't even answer her.

 

I feel your pain Bro, what you are going through is beyond painful....

[thisisjustsowrong]

Hi SD,

 

I have read the whole thread today and I symphatize for you. It must be extremely frustrating to go through this and for soooo long. I really want you to overcome this, and I agree with everybody here about seeking professional help. Since you seem to be a very open and honest person (willing to self evaluate himself) that I think you may benefit from counselling a lot more than most other people. It seems that you are going between feeling better and worse alternatively and it seems the changes comes so abruptly. Hence I do not think that this is something you can overcome in a day and forget about alltogether. It will require some work and guidance and I also think that it may be a good idea to share some of it -if not all- with your wife.

 

I am by no means qualified to give advice or anything but I want to express my humble opinions. What strike me most from your posts is that maybe this whole thing is not about the ex so much as its about your chrushed ego and sense of self worth. Obviously the rejection of your ex (and her mother) has hurt you a lot, especially after you put so much of yourself into that relationship. After which you went through a lot of changes and accomplished a lot since then. But you never got any aknowledgement from your ex (maybe her mother too?). And maybe this is why you want to face the ex now? To get some closure, to show them that you are worthy and that they shouldn't have treated you that way? And whatever you decide about going over to see your ex, please do not do anything rush, since it may very well be something that may change your life altogether.

 

Also I don't mean to offend but I wonder, is it possible that you are someone who needs a bit of drama and turbulance in their lives, maybe to feel more alive. And everything in your life seems so settled, maybe a bit too perfect and uneventful that you feel restless. Probably this doesn't apply since you are going through this for the last twelve years. Just something to think about.

 

I am probably being nosy but I was wondering whether you talked about having kids with your wife. Just curious.

 

I wish you best of luck. Take care.

[secretdarkness]

Hey Thisisjustsowrong,-- Incredible post! I sincerely thank you for taking the time to, not only read the entire thread, but for such thoughtful input as well. I'll try to comment on/answer all the questions you raise.

 

Firstly, I appreciate your words of encouragement... they mean alot. I have internalized so much of this pain over the years... It has been so helpful to come here and share my thoughts, really get it out for once... and then receive excellent support & advice.

 

THERAPY

I was so close to starting, ... but then I seriously felt like I had a breakthrough, and I was definitely feeling alot better for the first time in a long time. I know I need it, but now I'm really upset about the whole idea.

 

My feelings have shifted because I feel like this may be bigger than just the ex... and I'm not sure I'm ready to unlock alot of this stuff. I also have no desire to include my wife. I love her intensely, (honestly, my secret has never really effected her life, I have always treated her great, I swear!) and I don't want to hurt her if I don't have to.

 

She knows what the ex means to me on some level, she must. She told me over and over that the ex would seriously regret losing such a great guy one day. That message helped me heal alot back then. She was right there when I was still raw from heart-break. My wife would be absolutely shocked if I approached her about this, it would be a complete surprise to her.

__________________________

 

ASSESSMENT

I suspect your evaluation of me is very accurate.... I'm certainly looking for some form of validation, for sure. You are so right, I definitely crave something from the ex (& her mother). If my heart was broken into a million little pieces, my ego was obliterated and smashed into the floor. I felt as low and worthless as one could feel.

 

I want them to see the Man that wasn't good enough back then. I want them to see the awards I've won... I want them to see my picture perfect House, Wife, Car, Etc. ... They knocked me down, but I rose up and accomplished alot, I definitely want them to know they were WRONG about me!

 

Hate to admit it, but I do miss the drama & controversy I used to stir up. You know me well. That was so me back then... now I'm a more mellow workingman. Don't get me wrong, I do love my job and it is very rewarding... but I'm like on auto-pilot alot these days outside of work.

 

FACE-TO-FACE

I'll take your advice and not go see her just yet. God I wish I just had a phone #, or an e-mail address... I think this would solve alot, but I just can't get these things. Its either just show up and knock on the door, or nothing. I just want to talk with her so badly.

 

Thanks again for everything, I want to talk with you more....

[Cyprian]

... I was so hurt that I didn't even answer her.

 

I feel your pain Bro, what you are going through is beyond painful....

 

I really think that in time, when I have finished going through the stages of my grieving process, I am going to be in your current situation for years...even though she betrayed me in the worst way possible.

 

Thus I NEED you to prove to me and yourself that you can get through this.

 

It seems that you are going between feeling better and worse alternatively and it seems the changes comes so abruptly.

 

I can relate to this - I'm sure we all can. The chemicals in our brains are uncontrollable, or so it seems...

 

I also think that it may be a good idea to share some of it -if not all- with your wife.

[/Quote]

 

I disagree with this. Secretdarkness has not betrayed his wife's trust. He has not cheated on her. He has had her well-being in mind in every decision he has made. One does not need to include every detail of their internal dialogue with their significant other, especially since the pain his wife would experience would be unwarranted and unnecessary.

 

But you never got any aknowledgement from your ex (maybe her mother too?). And maybe this is why you want to face the ex now? To get some closure, to show them that you are worthy and that they shouldn't have treated you that way?

 

I agree, however, I think this might be another situation (similar to my situation) where the closure has to come not from a dialogue with the EX, but from ourselves (thanks cantexplain). I may be wrong, but I do not believe that seeing your ex will really help in any way.

 

Secretdarkness: Give yourself closure. You know her familial situation, you can imagine her everyday life - I think only bad will come from an encounter with your ex lover.

 

I think you should put yourself in this situation - maybe I am wrong for suggesting this, but how about this:

 

1) You do in fact go to see your ex AND you include your wife in this situation. You tell her everything, and purge yourself of your secret darkness.

 

Many things could happen if you do encounter your ex. Maybe she will tell you that she has felt exactly the same way you have for the past 12 years. Maybe you two will have an affair. Maybe she simply doesn't even remember you as well as you remember her or she doesn't care at all about you anymore. Maybe she laughs at you. Most likely, you will simply have a nice discussion, and become friends again.

 

I do not see this as the path with heart.

 

OR

 

2) You continue healing yourself over this lost lover. You do not contact your ex, and you discontinue your research on her. You realize that your life is complete without seeing your ex, and that she (and your memories of her) comprise a piece of that complete life. You do not mention anything to your wife.

 

You imagine to yourself what would have happened if you had gone to see your ex. You make up the best possible scenario and play it through your mind. Then you make up the worst possible scenario, one which ends in your wife's heartbreak, your ex's family in ruins, and your own heart in a worse state than it has ever been...

[thisisjustsowrong]

My feelings have shifted because I feel like this may be bigger than just the ex... and I'm not sure I'm ready to unlock alot of this stuff. I also have no desire to include my wife. I love her intensely, (honestly, my sevret has never really effected her life, I have always treated her great, I swear!) and I don't want to hurt her if I don't have to.

 

I understand. It seems that this IS actaully bigger than just the ex. You already have some idea of what the issues are, since everyone here seems to be giving a lot of good insight. Maybe you should give yourself some time to get used to the idea. But getting to know yourself and identfying the issues are the first and may be the most important steps to overcome your problems. And I think with professional help you can achieve these. I also understand why you don't want to share this with your wife. I know that it would hurt me if my husband told me that he had been thinking about his ex for a very long time. But as you already pointed out this is probably bigger than just your ex, and you may include her in some other aspects of this whole thing. But then keeping part of it to yourself would prevent her from completely understanding you and/or made you feel guilty. I don't know. Obviously this has no easy answers. I just know that I would not want my husband to go through what you are going through alone.

 

I'm certainly looking for some form of validation, for sure. You are so right, I definitely crave something from the ex (& her mother). If my heart was broken into a million little pieces, my ego was obliterated and smashed into the floor. I felt as low and worthless as one could feel.

 

I want them to see the Man that wasn't good enough back then. I want them to see the awards I've won... I want them to see my picture perfect House, Wife, Car, Etc. ... They knocked me down, but I rose up and accomplished alot, I definitely want them to know they were WRONG about me!

 

I would probably feel that way too. But I agree with Cyprian. Assume that you face your ex and you get the validation you want from her (and her mother), would it make anything better? I think it would make you feel emptier. All those years you want this one person to tell you that they were wrong, that they didn't understand your value, and finally they say those things, and now what? I know that you know your own self worth, you just want them to know that too. I probably would myself. Sometimes we give people more power over us then they deserve. Maybe we should realize that it doesn't matter what they think. You know your worth, your wife does, your family and friends does. I wish it were enough to know these. I don't know, as always things are easier said than done.

[Cyprian]

I want them to see the Man that wasn't good enough back then. I want them to see the awards I've won... I want them to see my picture perfect House, Wife, Car, Etc. ... They knocked me down, but I rose up and accomplished alot, I definitely want them to know they were WRONG about me!

 

I would probably feel that way too. But I agree with Crypian. Assume that you face your ex and you get the validation you want from her (and her mother), would it make anything better? I think it would make you feel emptier. All those years you want this one person to tell you that they were wrong, that they didn't understand your value, and finally they say those things, and now what? I know that you know your own self worth, you just want them to know that too. I probably would myself. Sometimes we give people more power over us then they deserve. Maybe we should realize that it doesn't matter what they think. You know your worth, your wife does, your family and friends does. I wish it were enough to know these. I don't know, as always things are easier said than done.

 

Agreed...by wanting to 'prove them wrong' you are keeping yourself from fully healing. Here, listen to these quotes by Carlos Castaneda...his use of the word 'warrior' is referencing a 'warrior' going to battle on the path of knowledge:

 

"The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity."

 

"Dwelling upon the self too much produces terrible fatigue. A man in that position is deaf and blind to everything else. The fatigue itself makes him cease to see the marvels all around."

 

SD: I think that although you might 'think' you really want to 'prove them wrong', although that might be partially true, you really want to 'prove them wrong' in hopes that your ex will WANT YOU BACK! Maybe I am crazy, but proving them wrong would certainly make your ex want you, right? Get that out of your head! Its OVER!](*,) - Look at the "marvels all around"...your house, your wife, your car...your life!

 

Sorry man, I only want the best for ya. I send to you whatever love and strength I have to give...

[secretdarkness]

Cyprian,-- I don't know you in everyday life, but I can honestly say you are a true Friend! Thank You very, very, very much for that post. Even in your worst time of despair & heart-ache, you are taking the time to help someone else (someone you don't even know).... that shows me you have the Heart of a Champion! I really respect people, with Heart and Compassion.... you have tremendous Character' my friend!

 

You have certainly given me alot to think about... I need to ponder this some more before I decide what to do. For the time being, I will wait to make any contact with the ex. The scenarios you laid out are so helpful... (this thing could go from full blown Affair to getting Laughed at, or it could rekindle a friendship to destroying two families)... WOW!!! ... I have to be real careful before my next move.

 

I have a lot more to discuss, but I actually feel some sleep coming on... we'll talk later, thanks again for everything...

[sallyusa]

i was somewhat in a similar situation like yours but i hope this helps. you said your happily married right? i was longing for someone i loved so much i was crushed by it too just like you. i compeltly understand what you went through with this person bc i had the same thing going on with myself. You said your wife helped you through this mines did the same my husband helped me through it. But you know its not fair for our spouses and the vows we made to them. Looking, for the person on the internet trying to look her up and seeing if you can contact her or even thinking about getting together with this person its just not going to help your marriage and its going to put more strain on it and you'd become very distant from your wife and your marriage and if your wife finds out that you did such a thing like that wouldn't you think she be devestated to find out her husband after a couple of years into your marriage is still trying to look for his ex. this person your thinking about they might had moved on and has a life of their own and is probably married by now and has kids of their own and your thinking about destryoing a couple of people lives. please dont get mad at me the reason i'm saying is this is bc i've been down that road for the past 2 years and i'm bearly a newly wed. sitting down being depressed about it or even thinking about it is not going to make that person come back this person is gone. i know its hard to accept it and its going to take time to get use to it. just please think about what your doing. think about your future. past is past and its gone. you cant go back in the past and make someone come back. think about you and your wife future ahead of you. if you need to talk more please feel free to leave me a message and i will try to help you out in such a situation like this. i hope this helps.

[secretdarkness]

All this self-analysis is great, but it is really draining me. Now you guys have me leaning toward maybe not contacting her at all. That is a big change for me. I feel like things are shifting around inside my head. I feel like I'm maturing in some way, maybe? But I'm really confused at the same time still.

 

If I decide to drop this completely, what is the appropriate level of sadness I'm allowed to feel for the ex now. Even with everything I've learned here, I still love the memory of the ex deeply. Those images are burned so deeply into my mind... I'm not sure I can, or even want to change them. The betrayal fueled my comeback, who would I be without being on a mission to prove everyone wrong?

 

I should be happy with life right now... instead my head & heart are all mixed-up.

 

I have been very fortunate, I can honestly say I have been in many relationships with Beautiful, Beautiful girls since I started dating way back when... Truthfully I loved almost every girl I ever dated. Thats just the way I am. I've fallen head-over-heals, madly in love at least 5 times in my life.... I think back on these experiences fondly, and in a healthy way... they make me laugh and smile. So WHY CAN'T I GET PAST THIS ONE F*/CKING GIRL then ?!?!?!?

 

I know it's over! I know she has moved on! I know we can never be together again! I know getting validation from her wont solve everything! Yet I continue to wrestle with this...

 

Sorry to whine & complain so much, that is not my style....

 

I just want to think back on her like the other ex girlfriends that I've loved so much. I want to be able to understand that meeting her was part of the bigger picture... it happened for a specific purpose. I would not be where I am today without going through what I did with her. I want to be thankful for being with her at that great time in my life, I don't want to focus on the betrayal. I want to think back on her and smile, not feel heartbreak 12 years later.

[secretdarkness]

SD: I think that although you might 'think' you really want to 'prove them wrong', although that might be partially true, you really want to 'prove them wrong' in hopes that your ex will WANT YOU BACK! Maybe I am crazy, but proving them wrong would certainly make your ex want you, right? Get that out of your head! Its OVER!](*,) - Look at the "marvels all around"...your house, your wife, your car...your life!

 

Sorry man, I only want the best for ya. I send to you whatever love and strength I have to give...

 

Wow this is some hard medicine to swallow, ... but you are probably right. Again, it hurts to admit all this... I can't believe how all this stuff has manifested itself in my subconscious mind like this.

 

Your intelligent & honest advice, is helping change my life.... it is so hard to let go Man'.

[Cyprian]

Hey SD, thanks for the flattery! Maybe thats one of the reasons I am helping you

Seriously though, by helping you (or at least trying) I am helping myself - I'm keeping my mind off my own problems, I am living through your experience, and (if I can) I am helping another human being with their own problems.

 

I think YOU my friend are the one with the heart of a champion...truly. I know in the end whatever decision you make will be the right one because no matter what you do you will put your wife and the love you have for each other in the forefront of your decision making.

 

 

 

You are the only one that can change anything in your life, give credit where its due. The letting go part is something that I connect with on the deepest of levels...I have to let go of someone who I shared the past 7 years with 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and it is tugging at my heart in the worst possible way. My emotions keep going up and down...I love her so much but I hate her for her lies and betrayal...and the stupid decisions shes making in her life right now really worry me...

[thisisjustsowrong]

I've fallen head-over-heals, madly in love at least 5 times in my life.... I think back on these experiences fondly, and in a healthy way... they make me laugh and smile. So WHY CAN'T I GET PAST THIS ONE F*/CKING GIRL then ?!?!?!?

 

I think you can’t let go of this girl because you never finalized your breakup with her in your mind. It is harder to do when you are the one being wronged. Heck, it caused you to turn your life all around. And you waited for her to turn up one day and recognize how you were the best thing that had ever happened to her and how wrong she had been about you. But she never did turn up. And you never did let go. For 12 years. I don’t know how you did it. Now it is harder to let go then ever, because you made it a part who you are. Listen to yourself.

 

I can definitely relate to what you are saying about "cherishing the feeling of being wronged". Hell, I've used that feeling every single day for the last twelve years! I think I had a little set back yesterday because I thought I was starting to "let go" for the first time in many years. At first I was feeling better, but then I felt all weird and empty. The pain was starting to disappear, but instead of feeling better, I started to panic and feel really different inside. Like, "who the f*/ck am I" really ??? Who is this person I've turned into type thing.

 

You are trying to heal now after all these years and the moment you start to let go, you feel even worse, empty. This is why I encourage you to seek professional help every time I write, because it seems to me that this is very deep rooted.