thisisjustsowrong Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Hate to be narcissistic here, but I'm really anxious about my decision to contact the ex, ... from what you've read about my story.... Do you guys have any predictions about my situation? Any comments on these issues would be much appreciated. Will the ex ever actually receive the letter? Will I hear back from the her? Will her response be e-mail or cell phone? Will her response be positive, negative or indifferent? Will we schedule to meet up? Will this be helpful or hurtful overall... will it help me feel better? Will this come back to haunt me, ... was it a mistake? Thanks!!!! Oh Wow, you did it, huh? I hope you are doing this for all the right reasons. As to your questions, well, only time will tell. I personally think that you will hear from her IF she receives your letter. She may not, so keep your expectations in check. I am guessing waiting will be a bummer. My fingers are crossed for you. I hope you get a response and soon. In the meantime try not to overthink or speculate too much. Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Oh Wow, you did it, huh? I hope you are doing this for all the right reasons. As to your questions, well, only time will tell. I personally think that you will hear from her IF she receives your letter. She may not, so keep your expectations in check. I am guessing waiting will be a bummer. My fingers are crossed for you. I hope you get a response and soon. In the meantime try not to overthink or speculate too much. Hey Thisisjustsowrong,-- Yeah, I'm a little nervous waiting in anticipation... but I also feel really good about it for some reason. It was like a real release just sitting down and putting that letter together. Obviously this wasn't a rash decision... I really thought long & hard about the best way to handle this. I'm real happy & satisfied with the way the letter came out. There was so much I wanted to say, but I kept it simple & straight forward. The letter was genuine & sincere, no mixed-signals or anything like that. I tried to be respectful, friendly & honest. It'll be interesting to see if the letter(s) actually make it to her... Honestly I'm having a hard time making a prediction on my own situation. I have no idea what to expect. My only real wish is that the letter actually makes it into her hands. We shall see! Thanks for your response!!! --SecretDarkness Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 ***NEW DEVELOPMENT*** Just received an e-mail from the ex! I'm still in shock! more soon...... Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Wow!! Let us know man...that is great news! Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Oh, Wow. Now even I am excited. I hope she said what you needed and it helps you put the past where it belongs. Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 Okay, ... Gosh, I don't even know where to begin here... or how to start this recap? Firstly, I was incredibly surprised that the letter (snail mail) even made it to her... (as you guys might remember) I had an extremely difficult time procuring her address. I thought for sure it would be old, or out-of-date... Secondly, I was even more surprised to get such a long & detailed letter back so quickly. I guess I would describe the "tone" of the letter in a couple of ways: -She seemed genuinely Happy, Surprised & Excited to hear from me! -She sounded a little guarded and cautious, yet I think getting a letter from me really piqued her interest. -(We are obviously both married to other people now), so I would say the letter also seemed alittle awkward & uneasy.... like she was scared to say too much, or the wrong thing. So right now, my head is )))Spinning((( a little. I'm really trying to process all this. Overall, I think I feel pretty good? ... I think I got what I was after? Ofcourse a small part of me is still very much heart-broken, I guess I always will be... Hearing her talk about her husband & kids was a very harsh dose of reality. But something I know I need to accept. ... but I think (big-picture), this will help me move on, I hope so anyway? So far this exchange of letters (on both our parts) was mostly: friendly, polite, catching up type stuff. I'm certain there is a lot benneath the surface & between the lines from both of us so far... (Specifically) At one point she seemed to be inviting me to a reunion she was planning at her house, yet she seemed scared & nervous to be e-mailing me... like it would upset her husband or something, ... that type of thing. So basically I don't know what is going on? I wish we could reminisce and talk about old-times alittle more, but we haven't reached that level yet... The next big question is my reaction & response. I definitely need to let this all sink in a little before I do anything. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR READING & HELPING ME OUT over the last couple of months!!! (Today has been a big day for me.) Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hey All,-- Again I want to send out a heart-felt thankyou to all the posters that read my (never-ending) story, and took the time to give thoughtful, intelligent & supportive responses. Without you guys, I never would have gotten this far. You guys are absolutely the Best!!!! I'm definitely on a "natural high" right now, ... I'm still "buzzing" from the ex's e-mail. I can't lie, I've read it a hundred times. Everything is still sinking in, but I think I already got the validation I so desperately craved... unfortunately it is now time for me to make a response. Do I take the high road, act like a gentleman, and finally move on? or Do I tell her all about my "secret-darkness" & "still crushed, 12 years later" situation? ???? Right now, I'm leaning toward something in the middle, I guess? I finally have her ear (after all these years)... I want to make sure I do the appropriate thing here. My goal has always been to understand my obsession, move on & feel better... I'm going to try and put this reply together right now, and see what happens. Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hey Secret Darkness, I am really happy for you as everything seems to be falling into their right place. I should say that at the beginning I thought it would be better for you to resolve your issues without contacting the ex, but as your story unfolded it seemed you needed to contact her for a chance to put this whole thing behind you. And I think the letter was the right thing to do. I am really really happy that you finally got your validation and now have the chance to move on. I don't think telling the ex about this "secret darkness" business is the right way to go though. It will make everyting awkward and make it impossible to communicate with her in the manner you need. Do you think getting your validation was enough and now you can move on? Or do you need more? Maybe you also need to take her down from the pedestal you have put her. And I think this is only possible if you get to know her as the person she is now. She is not the same girl you know all those years ago. You have to understand how much of what you thought her to be was real and how much of it is was what you imagined her to be. I don't think telling her about how you felt all these years will help you in any way. This is just what I think. I am sure you'll do what you think is best for you. Good luck Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hey Thisisjustsowrong,-- As always, thank you for your kind words & support. I'm having an incredibly emotional time getting thru this, I'm taking a little break... but I've spent most of the afternoon working on my response, and I'm just about finished with my reply. God, I feel like I'm in therapy right now.... I'm getting the chance to have a really good DEEP cry, and really say what I need to say. Say what I've wanted to say for years. The letter is a mix, like I talked about in my last post. (No direct secretdarness stuff, but she'll understand where I'm coming from) It is Honest & Respectful but very much to the heart of the matter. We will probably never be able to talk again after i send it, but that is for the best. (That is hard to accept, but necessary). What a journey this has been. Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 If you think it is for the best, then it is. Best of luck to you. Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Although I must say I don't like the idea of your ex knowing what you have gone through because of her. Especially after her comment when you last saw her, something like "You'll never forget me. You'll always love me.". I am a bit prejudiced against her, you see Still, you obviously need to get it out of your chest once and for all. You know what's best for yourself. Again, the best of luck to you. Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 SD: I am so glad you are going through the steps you needed to go through to see this thing through. Once again I am sure you made the right decisions. I believe you should continue with this until you get the necessary tools to live your life without the darkness eeking in. If that means getting everything off your chest, then so be it. However, I don't think you should tell her how deep the secret darkness goes... We will probably never be able to talk again after i send it, but that is for the best. (That is hard to accept, but necessary). Explain your thoughts here, please. Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hey All (Cyprian, Brokenbird, Thisisjustsowrong, Ellie, etc.),-- Wow, the last couple of days have been a real emotional roller-coaster. You won't believe what I'm about to tell you.... (Long story short)... When I last left you guys, I had taken almost all day Sunday to write my response to her first letter (which I described in a previous post). (Cyprian,--) I thought I had written my response in such a way, that she probably wasn't going to respond to it. (Because) I started to get past the friendly BS and I started to push the envelope (and dig up ancient history)... I said everything I had to say, especially about how I made a big comeback and all that... (I felt better) and I thought that would be the end of it. Boy was I wrong! My instincts were right to challenge her alittle... the way in which I wrote that letter... it really helped her open up, and get honest with me. Well little did I know, but the flood gates were about to really Burst open !!! We continued emailing back and forth a couple of times. Things got progressively more open & honest with each ensuing letter. Where the first couple of notes were guarded & cautious... we finally broke down some boundaries, and really got to the heart of the matter! This is absolutely crazy!!! How should I put this.... lets just say, her nick name could be "secret darkness II" !!! I f*/cking knew I wasn't nuts. I knew I was being haunted all these years for good reason. I've talked about how she could be cold & withdrawn, well that is her defense mechanism of choice... once you get past that, she can be brutally honest. Well I found the right balance, and I must have pushed her buttons... because she (much to my shock) started opening up. She told me everything I needed to hear. (Most of the big issues I talked about in this thread were touched on) Brokenbird,-- You were so right when you said this: finally, both you and she can part ways knowing how much you've meant to one another... while realizing, love alone...isn't always enough to see a relationship through - maybe thats what she meant when she said, you'll always love her...because she will have always loved you --as it turned out. She spoke of how hard the break-up was on her, the self doubt, her mothers influence in it, and how she secretly worried that she had made the mistake of a life time .... (this broke my heart, but in a good way for once, if that makes sense?) I've really got to run right now... I'll give you some more details later. I REALLY, FINALLY GOT MY VALIDATION !!! I can't believe how this worked out....I'm so Happy!!! I knew she always loved me. Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Seems like you got what you were hoping for Congratulations. I am pleasantly surprised. From how you described your relationshp at the time with your ex, I didn't think she shared your depth of feelings. Glad to be wrong. It's good that you are both dealing with it after so many years. And getting your closure hopefully? So what now? After getting the validation you needed, are you finally able to move on with your life and burry the "secret darkness"? Are you going to be able to let go of the past, do you think? Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Seems like you got what you were hoping for Congratulations. I am pleasantly surprised. From how you described your relationshp at the time with your ex, I didn't think she shared your depth of feelings. Glad to be wrong. It's good that you are both dealing with it after so many years. And getting your closure hopefully? So what now? After getting the validation you needed, are you finally able to move on with your life and burry the "secret darkness"? Are you going to be able to let go of the past, do you think? Hey thisjustsowrong,-- I can't believe it either. I'll answer your questions, but let me break down the current scenario alittle bit more. Also, I need your guys help yet again. I'm at alittle bit of a cross-roads here with the ex (all of a sudden). But first, I have acouple more details to share (some info I think will surprise... some is funny, some interesting news & and even something pretty sad, unfortunately). - "Surprisingly", the ex wants to see me. Can you believe this? She's been saying (things like) her husband is too overprotective & sensitive, he needs to "get over it", so we can get together. Presumably as like couples, I guess? (She has been discussing having some type of reunion/get together dinner-party at her house type thing). -I think this is pretty "Funny"... Her mom (of all people) was excited to hear that I had made contact... she wants to see & talk to me as well. Remember, she literally recruited me at first, but then turned on me at the end. I always loved and deeply respected the ex's mom... she is a super successful Bank CEO now. I have had hate for her, but I was flattered that she got excited to see me. -This is also "Funny". I think my ex has put me on a pedestal all these years (Too Funny). She keeps teasing me about my movie star good looks. She's like, "I thought I would have seen you in the movies by now" type thing. There was a time in college I really wanted to be an actor... I had big dreams like all young actors, I could get a little Cocky back then, I guess? -"Interestingly"... the ex sent me a bunch of pictures (of her and the kids). Boy has she changed. You guys were correct, can't believe I'm saying this, but this knocked her off her pedestal alittle in my mind. -"Sad News"... and this is also why she looks alittle different I would imagine.... She has contracted a rare virus that has made her quite ill. She actually just got out of the hospital last week. She lives a relatively normal life, but the disease has periods were it is very bad, and she must be hospitalized for up to 3 weeks at a time. For the record... I was deeply, deeply sadend to hear this news... part of me still wants to protect her. If you guys recall, my wife has also had some serious health problems over the last 5 years... this news has shaken me up somewhat. Life is so short & precious! I hate to say it, but I think the ex has been so honest & open with me because of her newfound illness. I think her life-perspective has been altered quite a bit, IMO. I'm only guessing here, she has not come out and said this at all. This is becoming way to long... I'll hit the other stuff in my next post. Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 SIDE-NOTE: This whole experience has made me LOVE my Wife that much MORE!!! She is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me! I'm so Lucky to have Her! PEACE!!! --SecretDarkness Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Although I must say I don't like the idea of your ex knowing what you have gone through because of her. Especially after her comment when you last saw her, something like "You'll never forget me. You'll always love me.". I am a bit prejudiced against her, you see Still, you obviously need to get it out of your chest once and for all. You know what's best for yourself. Again, the best of luck to you. This post had my favorite line (bold) in the entire thread!!! Thanks for that! That made me think of the picture, I must have painted of her on here. Thanks for rooting for me... really put a smile on my face when I first read it! -SD Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Wow - Incredible stuff here SD. I'm so happy you finally got your validation. I can't imagine whats going through your head right now, so I'll just elaborate on what's going through mine: Its not that shocking that your EX had feelings for you all these years. I don't know exactly how deep these feelings are for you, but it seems like your ex and her mother both want you back in their lives in some form. Your wife is the most important thing to you so keep her (as you have been) in the forefront of every decision. That being said, you have many decisions to make in the near future. Keep us updated. Cyp Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 Wow - Incredible stuff here SD. I'm so happy you finally got your validation. I can't imagine whats going through your head right now, so I'll just elaborate on what's going through mine: Its not that shocking that your EX had feelings for you all these years. I don't know exactly how deep these feelings are for you, but it seems like your ex and her mother both want you back in their lives in some form. Your wife is the most important thing to you so keep her (as you have been) in the forefront of every decision. That being said, you have many decisions to make in the near future. Keep us updated. Cyp Hey Cyprian,-- Yeah, this has been pretty crazy. This whole thread has been nuts. It has almost become like a Diary that "talks-back" and gives great advice !!! Right now, I'm at a cross-roads.... and I really don't know what to do? I have definitely received the validation I so desperately wanted. I got it, and then some. I feel so lucky, the way things worked out. I labored over this for so d*/mn long.... I'm just shocked at everything right now. Part of me just wants to walk away, and leave it the way it is. (I'm really leaning in this direction) I feel completely satisfied! I mean it, the "SecretDarkness" stuff has been solved. I'm truly over the ex now. Seeing her picture, and hearing her say all those wonderful things about me... After 12 plus years, I'm finally not Crushed anymore!!! The other part of me, (The Retired Bad-Boy) wants to keep writing the ex (we have been having a lot of fun emailing everyday, laughing & joking around about old times)... We've been flirting a little, and it feels so natural. Obviously, I don't want to do anything stupid... but when you've been married as long as I have... some innocent flirting can be quite fun. She wants to get together in a reunion setting with our significant others, and I've been teasing her that I want to (secretly) meet up for a quick bite or a cup of coffee... I think, I'm going to walk away now while I'm ahead... but this has just be such a sureal trip the last couple of days. PEACE!!! -SecretDarkness Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 I am so glad you said this SD. For a while, I was getting a wee bit worried about your wife. Have you shared with her that you've made contact with your ex? I have not. For the record, my wife has given me her permission to look the ex up, but I just can't find the right way to tell her. I'm going with my instinct here, and I'm probably going to use the "What You Don't Know, Won't Hurt You" angle. Slightly shady, I understand that... but as always my actions have always spoke louder than words with my wife... I continue to be a good husband, and this was my internal problem (not hers), so I'm not really sure how to be honest about all this. Link to comment
thisisjustsowrong Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Part of me just wants to walk away, and leave it the way it is. (I'm really leaning in this direction) I feel completely satisfied! I mean it, the "SecretDarkness" stuff has been solved. I'm truly over the ex now. Seeing her picture, and hearing her say all those wonderful things about me... After 12 plus years, I'm finally not Crushed anymore!!! Hi SD, I was going through some of your earlier posts and I have seen how much progress you have made. You don't seem to be haunted by this person anymore. She (and her mother to boot) has said everything you wanted to hear and more. And I believe that was the whole point of contacting the ex. I think "walking away and leaving it the way it is" is the right way to go. The other part of me, (The Retired Bad-Boy) wants to keep writing the ex (we have been having a lot of fun emailing everyday, laughing & joking around about old times)... We've been flirting a little, and it feels so natural. Obviously, I don't want to do anything stupid... but when you've been married as long as I have... some innocent flirting can be quite fun. Granted it could be fun but it is also dangerous, especially with this person. No reason going around asking for trouble,my humble opinion. She wants to get together in a reunion setting with our significant others, and I've been teasing her that I want to (secretly) meet up for a quick bite or a cup of coffee... I don't know. How your wife would feel about it? You said she had insecurities where your ex is concerned (God knows she had reason). Leave the ex behind SD, and move on. You are finally able to do it. You'll be doing yourself a big favor, not to mention your wife and your marriage. Take care. Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 Hey Thisisjustsowrong,-- Great Post! You are so right... but, in my defense, can you blame me for enjoying the moment a little? I mean this whole thing worked out so perfectly (almost the complete opposite of what I projected). I was in bad, bad shape when I started this thread... now I feel like the weight of the world is off of my back. I have my freedom back, and I have the upper hand once again... I'm in control... it feels so great! I have always had a great ability to draw the line, dance on it, lean way over it.... But NEVER CROSS IT. Like I said, I don't plan on doing anything stupid... but I'm so relieved right now, I'm just soaking up the good vibes and enjoying myself a little. I definitely plan on walking away soon.... Link to comment
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