secretdarkness Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 Good luck SD. Stick around here too...we need your advice and insight after having gone through such experiences. THANKS!!! Oh, I'm definitely going to stick around here... I'm totally addicted to eNotAlone! I freak'n LOVE this forum... wish I had found it earlier. This life is so weird... Her Mother (who loved me at first) but thought I wasn't good enough in the end, thought I couldn't provide the type of earning power & financial security that her daughter required... Funny how things work out isn't it. She has the House & Family, but her Marriage sounds "shakey" at best... she is in poor health & her Husband sounds like a typical: over-bearing, type-A, Control-Freak. I feel tremendously bad for her... but in a way catching up with her, and hearing about her life has made it crystal clear that things WERE MEANT TO BE THIS WAY for me. Now I can look back on the great memories I have with her and feel good. I'm so happy & relieved I don't know what to do with myself! PEACE!!! -SD Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Send some happiness my way. Or better yet, convince me to stop pitying myself, to realize that life is good, and to turn myself around. I can give myself advice...the hard part is taking it. Teach me how to take my own advice Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 just listen to your own words while looking in the mirror Cyprian, there is a lot of good in you, you help a lot of us, just reflecting your own good heart Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 How is everything SD? Hey Cyp',-- Everything is going great with me! I'm still riding the natural high I've been on. I just feel like a million bucks knowing that my ex missed me and loved me all these years. Understanding that it was for the best that our lives went in different directions has helped me move on. Truly acknowledging that sometimes "Love" isn't the answer to everything has also helped me get past this. I admit, it has felt a little weird letting go of the "Darkness"... but I feel so free & happy right now. How are you doing? Did you ever go out with your buddies? Let me know the latest developments... I really want you to feel better Man'! PEACE!!! --SecretDarkness Link to comment
mademoiselle Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Go get some counselling. As awesome as this forum is, we are not psychologists (sp? see my point). However, since you are asking for advice, can I ask if you've seen/spent a decent amount of time with her since you broke up? Sorry if you've already mentioned this but I haven't read every single one of your posts Because, maybe, you're more in love with the idea of her, than her herself and seeing her would put things straight again. You have to take a person as a whole. Good and bad bits. You might only be remembering the good bits which is why you're finding it so hard to get over her. The bad bits might make you remember why you guys went on a break in the first place. Anyway, I really hope that you seek some counselling. You might have accomplished all that you set out to do but you're still young! Every day that you don't do it is another day you're living in torture. Don't let this occupy you because there's still so much left to discover! Link to comment
Cyprian Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Woops! Yeah mademoiselle, hes already found his answers I'll PM ya SD, but yeah everything is slowly, very very slowly moving forward. I'll have my own darkness as you did, but it won't be a secret... Link to comment
Cyprian Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Lol she must have only read the first couple pages of the thread...thats a problem with a thread this long and in depth. I'm so happy for you SD, by the way. I just hope your ex is happy and has good emotional and spiritual well being...I'm slowly on the right track I think, and we all know you are SD Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 WOW! THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN AMAZING! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU SD!! I HAVE SPENT HOURS READING THIS WHOLE ENTIRE FORUM.. IT'S NOW 5:30AM! I LOOK UP TO YOU. I TRULY DO. I'M SO HAPPY YOU CONTACTED YOUR EX!! I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST! SERIOUSLY THIS HAS BEEN SO TOUCHING! I SEE MYSELF EXACTLY HOW YOU WERE AND I HOPE ONE DAY MY STORY CAN BE JUST AS SUCCESSFUL AS YOURS I have a situation like this, expect mine is just pathetic.. I have been crazy about the same boy for almost 5 years and I honestly don't think that i'll ever get over him. i know i am very young, i'm only 17.. almost 18.. but still i just don't know what to do. I, TOO, am a horrible sleeper! Ever since I was little, I can only get a few hours of sleep in if i'm lucky.. I am constantly moving around, always uncomfortable and having constant flash backs and weird dreams of this boy who haunts me every night. Not a day has passed by that I don't think about him. This really may sound so silly and all my friends just tell me to get over him.. but i just don't know.. i just can't seem to let go.... through all the * * * * he has put me through, literally years now.. i just want him to be happy.. I can't explain it.. i can so relate when you said that the worse your ex treated you, the more obsessed and attached you became.. I can't help just cry myself to sleep and listen to sad music all the damn time.. it's like now matter how badly he still treats me, i'll always go back to him. all i ever wanted was to be with him.. he only lets me in, when he feels like it's the right thing to do just cause he doesn't have anyone else.. i can't stand to be treated and lied to.. all the sweet things.. they meant nothing? i don't know.. we are both such passionate people, it's hard to let go. it's like he never really understood me, and he never even tried to anyway.. i can't help but breakdown.. everything he does and says to me, he just takes back.. i guess i always go back to him because he was my first for almost everything (though, i am still a virgin) but he was the first and only person who ever in my life has ever made me fell so alive.. i know that wanting to be with him is wrong.. i'll admit it. but that hurts the most is that time after time he'll tell me that he's sorry nothing should have happened.. but i DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE.. he is PERFECT..everything i have ever wanted.. expect the whole treating me like * * * * and leaving my side every year or should i say every single summer since.. i don't know.. i just want to be with him so badly.. i want to be in his arms and hold him and kiss him and look into his eyes.. i want things to be like the way it was before he treated me so wrong. honestly, i'm so f--king lonely and i can't take it anymore.. i have promised myself almost every single day to get him out of him of life.. but it's so complicated when we share the same best friend.. and that same best friend has feelings for me but i will never like him like that.. i know the answer is clear that i need to just get over this guy i've had such an emotional past with.. but i just can't. i don't think there's anyone better.. he's so amazing and beautiful inside and out.. i guess there's not much advice to give me other than to walk away, but i just needed to pour out my feelings.. i just wanna know what goes on in his head cause i seriously can't take this sh!t anymore.. i know it's my fault for not letting go.. and being for vulnerable.. i mean to told myself that i would never talk to him, look at him or be in his presense.. and i was doing pretty good.. but now i can't help but want him more than ever.. it's eating me inside.. and i doubt he's ever going to try and be with me cause i've been giving him the cold shoulder just trying to stay strong, but i know that i seriously would go for him again in a heartbeat if he ever wanted us to work out.. im so weak it's pathetic.. i just want to know, what the hell i am to him? do i mean anything at all? i want to scream and i want to cry at him.. it's his birthday and even though he aren't even talking it's as if i still feel the need to tell him happy birthday.. even though that would be breaking the promise i made to myself about not talking to him.. UGHHHHHHHH sometimes i just want to start over.. i hate being here.. in this place where i feel like im locked up in a cage and i am completely powerless... i don't think i can go on.. it's been years and everyone i met i just compare to him and i just can't. i can't.. my most amazing memories and worst memories were with him.. sometimes i just want to drown. i can never sleep to begin with and him always being on my mind just makes that worse.. but he is the only person who can fix all this.. he's the only person who can mend my broken heart and take away this pain. he is my fuel.. but i know that it should be too late for him to apologize.. i wish things worked out for me sometimes, but they don't. and i really hate feeling sorry for myself because only * * * * * * * * do that.. this out this boy i am completely empty.. constantly drained.. i break just thinking about him with someone else.. but all in all i just want him to be happy.. his happiness is mine.. and i just dont know what to do because it hurts so bad having such a bad relationship with him.. i want to be able to be friends with him and be able to be okay with just that, but i can't when seeing him only breaks my heart again.. and the hardest thing is that i cant even began to imagine my life without him.. even one day when he's married and has kids, i want him close to me.. just as a friend.. someone to be there for me when no one else has.. everyone i try to let in, just stabs me in back.. why do i keep going back to someone who treats me horribly and obviously don't want me? i'm so stupid because he doesn't even deserve someone who is so loving and caring like me.. i really need to leave this place. it's killing me and i'm seriously falling away.. on another note.. good morning to all.. sorry this was so * * * *ing depressing.. i doubt anyone will read this anyway i hope you all have a great day and that your life is brighter than mine im going to sleep now, it's around 6am.. current song: sia - breathe me Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted April 22, 2007 Author Share Posted April 22, 2007 Hey Sleepy Kisses, (love that handle) -- Thank You so much for taking the time to read the entire thread. You are really sweet for saying all those nice things about my story, it means a lot... I really appreciate it. It has been an amazing journey for me: From young Love, to tragic heartbreak, ... from the pain & guilt of "secret darkness", to reconsiliation, redemption & finally closure. First things first... you need to calm down and take-it-easy alittle. You are obviously way' "over-tired", and completely "exhausted". As you know, I can so relate to the poor sleep thing'. For some reason, this causes increased pain for people in this type of situation. The mind can easily become very vulnerable and extremely sensitive to obsessive thoughts about an ex during this time. I ask you to Please be good to yourself right now. From reading your story, it is obvious that you are beating-yourself-up way too much at this moment. If you want to put anger or hate onto something, put it on the ex-bf where it belongs. Don't value yourself by how others have treated you. This life is hard sometimes... and no matter what kind of relationship you are in, and no matter how many friends and family you have, we are still alone in our own thoughts and minds, YOU MUST BE STRONG !!! You must be your own biggest FAN, not your worst enemy! You deserve so much better than this guy, and I guarantee you will find it some day. Somewhere, some how... when you least expect it, you will meet someone who can a appreciate a beautiful, passionate, sensitive & caring person such as you. This forum at eNotAlone is an incredible place. Keep coming back, and keep sharing your story, IT WILL HELP !!! I really want you to feel better and get past this rough place in your life... I'm (and thousands of others) are here to help, ... try to take advantage of it. I wish you all the best! PEACE!!! -SecretDarkness Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 aww thank you so much! i've been trying for years to get over this guy, everything is easier said than done.. i am trying, it's just so hard when you truly deeply want somebody that you are breaking every moment of the day. i wish i could hate him, but i can't. i wish i could love him, but i'm afraid i'll never have the chance. why do people have to play with hearts? love is not a game. i wish people were less insensitive and more compassionate like us. thank you so much i really do mean that with all my heart. the fact that someone actually read my story, something that i wrote, it brings me some peace and sanity.. i need to travel away from this place that i live in. i need to meet new people. i need to run accross the sea and spend time with friends that will make me laugh until i cry.. i need to get myself around good people like you and you are so very welcome about reading your story and everything.. it's honestly such an amazing story. i picture myself being in your same place.. in love with someone from your past that's haunting you every day.. sometimes i'm afraid that i'll never meet anyone that will love me for who i am. i think to myself, what is wrong with me? i'm a disease. sometimes it sucks being young, because you get criticized for being lonely. i'm just a girl who wants to love and be loved in return.. doesn't everyone? behind those risky eyes, we all are waiting, some people not so patiently, but we are all waiting to be discovered.. i'm so happy that you have found your match, someone who will take care of you and love you as you do with them.. that's what i really want. i hope one day, i'll be as lucky as you've been, my friend. xo Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 P.S. do you believe that it is possible for a person to truly change for the better? OR do you think it's true that once a cheater always a cheater? Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 Hey Sleepy Kisses,-- I really like your style Girl'! All the things you are experiencing are totally-natural at this stage of your life... it all goes with the territory of growing & experiencing the world. It is obvious that you are a "true romantic", (you will find many of us here on eNotAlone). As you are realizing right now, this can be both a blessing and a curse. Being an emotional & sensitive person can take you to the highest of highs in a relationship, but it can also be totally devestating when things go bad. Trust me, you will meet many, many more new & great people in the future. You will be shocked & over-joyed when you find a new friend who also shares your same passions & intensity for Love. I know you are overwhelmed & in great pain right now... but YOU WILL MAKE A STRONG COMEBACK!!! I just know it! PEACE!!! -SD Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 aww thank you for much for your words of wisdom! i know you are so right!! i definitely am a true romantic hehehe! Link to comment
Cyprian Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Trust me, you will meet many, many more new & great people in the future. You will be shocked & over-joyed when you find a new friend who also shares your same passions & intensity for Love. Yes. Yes, yes, and more yes. SD, how is everything going? Any news? Nothing has changed since you last described your ex and your situation? Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 Yes. Yes, yes, and more yes. SD, how is everything going? Any news? Nothing has changed since you last described your ex and your situation? Hey Cyprian,-- Life is definitely very different these days. I've really let go of the pain, the mystery, the guilt, the depression, the heart-ache & the anger. It feels strange, because this whole "secret-darkness" thing had become such a big part of my subconscious world... sometimes I feel alittle lost, because it is gone... but mostly I'm happy & thankful that I'm not obsessing on this (unattainable) person anymore. Obviously I still miss the memory of the ex sometimes, but in a healthy/normal way. I've really come to peace with how our lives went in different directions. Sure I still wonder what could have been, and why wasn't love enough to conquer all our problems... but I'm just so happy & thankful that I have my wife. She was there for me when I was at the bottom... and now we have a beautiful life & relationship together. Even though I got my closure & validation from the ex, (finding out that she had alot of the same feelings (Love, confusion, sadness, etc.) I had over the years really helped me heal from this ordeal) I still wonder & worry about her life alittle. Her health problems & over bearing husband have me somewhat concerned... but it really isn't any of my business anymore. I would still love to have lunch with her, or even just talk on the phone... We really established a much more mature friendship during our e-mails reconnection... it's a shame that we have to give that up, but her husband just can't handle that scenario. He sounds like such a d*/ck, but I do respect his wishes. There is still the whole ex's "Brother Angle"... I definitely plan on contacting him, but I want to wait till this thing with the ex blows over alittle. We shall see, should be interesting! Right now I'm obsessed with playing Ice-Hockey as much as possible. (this brings me more Pleasure & Satisfaction than I can express... I have loved & played the game my entire life). When I stopped playing, and really let myself get out of shape I felt really lost & very depressed... That coupled with the problems I was having with the obsessive thoughts of the ex was really messing me up. I was missing the old me real bad! I'm constantly training right now: dieting hard, doing yoga, lifting weights, roller-blading & playing flag football again. I've replaced my obsessive thoughts about the ex with trying to get as healthy & fit as possible. I'm older now and I'm trying to manage my weight, blood-pressure & cholesterol level... all that fun stuff. I'm living life for the present & the future... no longer worrying about the past. This is where I'm at right now! PEACE!!! -SecretDarkness Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 that's so great to hear!! Link to comment
turtlesurfer Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 SD, you seem like a sensitive kind of guy. i think it would be fair to say, that your "ex" ...knows you to some extent and can appreciate just how sensitive you can be...given she is probably sensitive too. it's no wonder that you both were able to reconnect so easily...that is, putting the past aside... n'all. you are certainly right about keeping the past in the past though. something tells me your ex would agree. having a "lunch" together, EH.. that's something that should be initiated personally. i don't think going the "brother angle" would be perceived very well. that's probably NOT a good idea. actually, if she wanted to have lunch, she probably would have let you know by now...lunch is probably not in the cards.... i'm sure your ex will always have fond memories of you and all that you've become (those things you've mentioned previously in this post, ofcourse). Like you, she may have just wanted to see what she was missing out on...i believe she is content knowing you are where you should be, but she will forever be grateful for the kindness you have shown her and and the ways in which you helped her to see the things she just "didn't get". Nah, it seems there is no reason to wonder about anything...i wouldn't worry about her either...maybe she's feeling blue and maybe she's not... as for her husband being a bad guy...maybe he is, maybe he isn't!!! maybe this situation has actually brought them closer together....you know, creating a special bond between 2 people who just "shrug off all the drama"..afterall, i think most couples have their share of issues..its the yearning to survive together that matters...(having a new jewel of inspiration). kinda like you and your wife -- getting to the bottom of how to ensure the survival of a relationship. your wife...well, it sounds like you've both been at the bottom together...been through so much...and have much to look forward to for a life time,....she sounds like a classy women, that one. deep down in your heart -- you know your ex wants you to be happy and in love...i believe she has told you this on occasion (that is, by willingly not getting involved in your personal relationship and backing away because she felt that was the right think to do last fall--according to this thread, anyway). you should probably show her the same courtesy...i suppose we'll see. In any event, i would imagine she and her hubby will be prepared. i'm just sayin.... your ex -- yeah, if her life turns out bad, then she probably deserves it...BUT if her life turns out great, then she probably deserves it -- just like the rest of us. one things seems constant...she genuinely wants you to do well, no matter what! Good Luck, Please take care A slow, but thoughtful turtle. Seems the pop-corn ran out. Link to comment
turtlesurfer Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 ps... her brother and his brothers... have all been made aware of potential "interesting" contacts (via email, phone, car bomb whatever). and this website ofcourse...you know, to help everyone understand a little better should matters escalate, to that level. Your ex (as old and slow as she is) realizes you both share the same emails -- thanks for the warning! its amazing how all of these things come together through forums such as these. that is, its ability to faciliate. SD,..leave your ex alone. best wishes, Turtle Link to comment
This Little Lady Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Hey I haven't gotten a chance to read this thread. I just got the beginning and the end of it. I have a million questions! Did you talk to you wife about sending the e-mail? Are you two still together? How are things between you? How is your friendship with your long lost love? Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 ps... her brother and his brothers... have all been made aware of potential "interesting" contacts (via email, phone, car bomb whatever). and this website ofcourse...you know, to help everyone understand a little better should matters escalate, to that level. Your ex (as old and slow as she is) realizes you both share the same emails -- thanks for the warning! its amazing how all of these things come together through forums such as these. that is, its ability to faciliate. SD,..leave your ex alone. best wishes, Turtle I read this post 3 times.... I have no idea WT/ F you are talking about Dude? You guys seriously make me laugh sometimes... HERE ARE THE FACTS: -Everything is Cool between me and the ex. -We reconnected as mature friends. -We both wanted to "get-together", but agreed it was too complicated because of our current mates (and our history). -The only "negative" surrounding this whole situation, was that her husband intercepted my last 2 e-mail's (and freaked out!)... He is only doing his job as her husband. I hold no grudge whatsoever. In my opinion he sounds like an over-posessive, control-freak, j*/rk-off ... but that is none of my business anymore. -We communicated one more time after the e-mail fiasco, and everything is absolutely "FINE"! -(CYPRIAN) asked me how I was doing currently, and I answered him honestly.... I mentioned that it would of been nice to have lunch with the ex, but it is no big deal.... I think I've fully explained why that didn't work out. -re Brother... I have a completely separate relationship with him. He has nothing to do with my recent re-connection with the ex. I have been contemplating calling/writing him, but I haven't done so yet. (The ex said he would love to hear from me, thats all). PEACE!!! -SecretDarkness -EVERYTHING IS COOL Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 Hey I haven't gotten a chance to read this thread. I just got the beginning and the end of it. I have a million questions! Did you talk to you wife about sending the e-mail? Are you two still together? How are things between you? How is your friendship with your long lost love? Hey This Little Lady,-- Thanks for showing interest in my story)... I know the thread is insanely long, but unfortunately it has to be read in it's entirety (to be understood completely). The most "controversial" thing about my story is that I DID NOT talk to my wife about my decision to contact the ex. She knew I was contacting multiple people from my past, and she did give me specific permission to look up the ex... but I decided it was in everyones best interest not to involve her. (I received alot of criticism for this, but I stand by my decision... everything worked out great, and I feel very comfortable with what I did now that it is all over). My Wife & I are great! She currently works out of town M-F which has been difficult at times... but we "live it up" on the weekends together (and she frequently makes surprise' mid-week visits, which I Love!) Also, I have always been super supportive of her & her career, and we have always had a rock-solid relationship. If we didn't she wouldn't of been able to accept the out of town position. This whole thing with the ex was never about cheating of infidelity, it was about me understanding why I was having (secret) obsessive thoughts about my first love. Also, my wife is moving back in August with a Huge Promotion (which was our goal from the beginning) so everything has worked out perfectly just like we planned! Much to my surprise, Me & the ex reconnected as older, much more mature friends. I received all the Validation & Closure I was looking for (and then some). I also solved this whole "secret darkness" (which is why I came to eNotAlone in the first place) thing because I'm NO LONGER troubled by this whole situation. IT IS OVER. I learned that The ex loved and missed me (in secrecy) over the years as well. We had an intense relationship (years ago) that ended in a disasterous break-up (for many complicated reasons). We wanted to see each other, but mutually decided that it was too complicated because we are both married now. Everything was left on GREAT terms between us! Hope that Helps! PEACE!!! -SD Link to comment
sleepy_kisses Posted May 3, 2007 Share Posted May 3, 2007 SD you are the SH!T!!!!!!!! Link to comment
secretdarkness Posted June 3, 2007 Author Share Posted June 3, 2007 Hey All,-- How's it going friends? (I miss you guys) Just a quick update... all is well with me. (Unfortunately) I still dream of the ex occasionally, but it is all normal & healthy (this time around)... I still wish me & the ex could see each other face-to-face, but it'll probably never happen for numerous reasons. Miss ya'll... thanks again for everything!!! peace !!! -SecretDarkness Link to comment
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