Still Crushed, 12 years later... need help

[sleepy_kisses]

aww that's great sd!! im happy for you!

[secretdarkness]

aww that's great sd!! im happy for you!

 

Hey Sleepy Kisses,-- As always thanks for your kind words.... you always make me

 

In other news....

 

I attended my 20th High School Reunion in New York City over the weekend. Man what a Wild "Trip" it was... totally Sureal experience. As some of you might remember, I really ran away from my past back then. I wanted to get as far away from my family & NYC as possible... going back and seeing everyone after 20 years was a powerful/emotional experience... my head is still spinning trying to absorb everything.

 

To be Loved & Missed, and then ultimately accepted back by an old group of long lost friends with open arms is a BEAUTIFUL thing Man'!!! It was increbible, I last saw these people when we were like 17, 18 years old... then I come back and everyone is pushing 40! Totally Crazy!

 

It was great to see a couple of my old girlfriends there also... great but scary. Its weird to see a girl(s) you used to be madly in love with so long ago... part of you starts to fall in love all over again. I felt so much warmth & genuine love from my old friends. I know I sound like I'm obsessing on this, but I'm was totally blown away, it was strange to see girls that I used to be head over heels in love with, but it was cool & special... life is such a great journey...

 

I'm so )))Overwhelmed((( from the experience almost a week later, truly amazing!

 

PEACE!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[sythem]

I've recently visited the town that I lived for 5 years, seeing lots of friends I expected to never see again. I know how you feel. It was so awesome seeing people I had once held so close and had all but forgotten after the last 3 years. If you'd like an update in my situation that was so close to yours you can have a look at this. Turns out my more recent ex really only ever cared about me as a friend and when we tried to get back together she had dreams every night about our wedding going horribly wrong which just solidified my beliefe that Mary is the one. I'm glad you've gotten control of your feelings. Best of Luck man!

[secretdarkness]

Hey All,-- How's it going? I haven't checked-in in awhile... just wanted to say Hi !!!

 

Unfortunately, I'm still not sleeping well... and some of the old thoughts/patterns (with thinking about the ex) have returned. Luckily, it isn't an obsession type thing anymore, I'd say it's more of a way my mind attempts to deal with stress.

 

I no longer yearn for the ex, but my thoughts tend to focus on that time in my life with her whenever I get lonely, depressed & stressed out.

 

I really need to solve this Sleep Disorder.

 

Hope all is well with you guys... I'll never forget how much this placed helped me when I was really in need. Thanks Again!!!

 

PEACE!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[The_411]

SD,

 

I'm going to give you some great advice. A) go to link removed and set up counseling with Dr. William F. Harley.

 

I read the enitre thread and there were some very dangerous developments which occurred which luckily didn't happen otherwise you would have had an affair. I know you love your wife adn you'd never cheat but ....

 

 

you had an emotional affair with your ex. Why do I think this? Because you had jsut had to contact your ex you didn't share radical honesty with your wife and you were so pre-occupied if she'd answer.

 

Read this and you'll see what I'm talking about. Looks like you were lucky and stopped before step 8.

 

Anatomy of Adultery

15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

 

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

 

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

 

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?

 

 

1. Sharing Common Interests.

"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

 

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

 

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

 

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

 

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

 

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"

 

 

2. Mentally comparing with my mate.

"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

 

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

 

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

 

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."

 

 

3. Meeting emotional needs.

"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

 

"She was there when I needed her."

 

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

 

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

 

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."

 

 

4. Looking forward to being together.

"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

 

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

 

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

 

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

 

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."

 

 

5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.

"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

 

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

 

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

 

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."

 

 

6. Flirting and teasing.

"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

 

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

 

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

 

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."

 

 

7. Talking about personal matters.

"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

 

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

 

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

 

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

 

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

 

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."

 

 

8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.

"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

 

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

 

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

 

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

 

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."

 

 

9. Special notes or gifts.

"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

 

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

 

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

 

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."

 

 

10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.

"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

 

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

 

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

 

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."

 

 

11. Arranging secret meetings.

"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

 

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

 

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

 

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."

 

 

12. Deceit and cover ups.

"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

 

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

 

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

 

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

 

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

 

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."

 

 

13. Kissing and embracing.

"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

 

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

 

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."

 

 

14. Petting and high indiscretion.

"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

 

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

 

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

 

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."

 

 

15. Sexual intercourse.

"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

 

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

 

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

 

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."

[secretdarkness]

THE 411,-- Thank You so much for reading my entire story, and taking the time to give some feedback!

 

I read your reply, I appreciate the advice... but my situation with the ex is basically over now, it has been for awhile. From the beginning my situation was never really about cheating or adultery, it was more about understanding why I was having obsessive thoughts about this person from my past.

 

I'm definitely guilty of keeping this from my wife, but I had my reasons for handling it that way. Believe me, I wish the whole situation never happened... but everything is Cool now. I got my validation & closure... and I've really been able to "move-on" finally.

 

Sure, I still think and dream of "the memories" of the ex (that will probably never stop), but I'm a dedicated & devoted husband for sure.

 

Thanks Again for your input!

 

PEACE!!!

 

SecretDarkness

[Up and Down]

I obsess over numerous things when it comes to the ex, I guess. Why I wasn't good enough. Betrayal. Basically, I just miss her and the good times we used to have. One minute I spending my life savings on a diamond ring, the next minute she is gone. In reality I know it never would have worked long term, but for some reason, I can't let go. A big part of me just still loves her, or the memory of her... I don't know whats going on any more.

 

 

I think seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of this will help. You just said you knew it wouldn't of worked long term. sometimes people just obesses over what they can't have...its a matter of fantasy versus reality. You need to think about that long and hard. Think about her bad points and why it wouldn't of worked.

 

The fact that you are thinking about this does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. However if you pursue something more behind your wifes back will make you a bad person....

[secretdarkness]

UP AND DOWN,-- Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and especially to give your advice... I really appreciate it.

 

Believe me, this whole obsession thing has been a great mystery for me. Obviously, if you read my story you know I'm feeling a lot better about it these days, but it hurt badly for many, many, many years.

 

I've been fortunate to have had many, many girlfriends in my time. I've been extremely lucky to have fallen in love with numerous beautiful women throughout my life time (including my incredible wife). ... but for some reason this ex has haunted me forever.

 

Reconnecting with her was great, it really helped alot, on so many levels... but I'm still thinking & dreaming of her in my quiet, dark, secretive moments...

 

I guess I just can't fully get over my first true love & heart break.

 

I know I need to see a therapist, but I just can't do it.

[sdw]

Hi SD,

 

I've been reading your story with interest. How does your ex feel - does she still obsess about that first love ? I recently thought about trying to contact my ex again. We've not spoken to each other in 3 years, but we had a very intense 2 year relationship where she even left her fiancee to be with me. I often think back to those early days and how happy we both were. Of course it didn;t last. 3 years later I've got a lovely partner whom I'm planning on marrying and we've got beautiful twin daughters. Perhaps it's out of hte confidence this situation gives me that I feel I could contact her again and find out how she's doing. But to be honest like you, I don;t really have any means to get in contact with her, no phone number, no email, just old adresses. I hear the ex has a little boy too, but as I say we lost contact all together. I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me these days, or if she's interested in knowing how I'm getting on.

 

Anyway, the advice I got from here was to leave it be. I don;t obsess about it to the point where it keeps me awake at nights, but I thought I'd let you know you're probably not alone in your problems. Especially if like mine, the relationship didn't exactly end on the best terms.

[secretdarkness]

Hey SDW,-- Thanks for taking the time to comment on my story.

 

You touched on alot of issues... let me try to answer some of your questions. No, my ex is not obsessed with me or our old relationship, as far as I can tell. I'm definitely the one with the secret obsession issues, not her. When I did finally contact her (after many, many, many years) I was pleasantly surprised to hear that she missed me a great deal, she always wondered about me, she never forgot about me, and she still very much loved me on some deep (tucked away) level.

 

If you get into the entire thread, you'll understand what a huge ordeal I went thru in deciding to contact the ex. It was very difficult, and the whole situation with my wife made it uncomfortable and complicated. In all honesty, I think I got very lucky with the way things unfolded. Most posters on here told me not to do it. --- I just had to find out, so I went against the good/great advice that I received here at eNotAlone.

 

Getting closure & validation from the ex has changed my life for the better. All these years, it was the "mystery" of not knowing that really drove me crazy. Words cannot express how satisfied I've been since we communicated. --- I've come to accept that "Love" alone was not enough to see our relationship thru to the end. We had too many things stacked against us for it to work "long-term".

 

Right now, I still miss her deeply... but it doesn't really affect my day to day life. Like I've said before, I admit that I still think about her constantly when I can't sleep, which is often (unfortunately), but I'm working on that... and it has nothing (absolutely nothing) to do with how much I love & cherish my wife (2 totally differnt situations).

 

My advice is simple... I say contact your ex if you think it is for the best. If no one gets hurt, and you think it will make you feel better, I say "go for it" !!! To locate your ex, try these two free online sites: link removed & link removed . I too had the hardest time tracking down my ex for many years.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to comment on my situation... feedback like yours has helped me in ways I can't even express in words, BIG THANKS!!!

 

-SD

[itsjustisnt]

all people go though this. it is just the grass is greener. You do not miss your ex. You don't know her any more. You miss the idea of someone different. Get over it. That is not kind to your wife. she probably when through the same thing and she got over her grass is greener feeling.

[secretdarkness]

all people go though this. it is just the grass is greener. You do not miss your ex. You don't know her any more. You miss the idea of someone different. Get over it. That is not kind to your wife. she probably when through the same thing and she got over her grass is greener feeling.

 

ITSJUSTISNT,-- As always I appreciate you reading my story and taking the time to make some comments on my situation.

 

BUT.... Did you actually read the thread? Seriously, is your advice really as simple as, "Just-get-over-it"??? I'm a little confused, do you really feel it necessary to come on here with that kind of arrogant/condesending attitude toward me? I thought eNotAlone was a place of knowledge & support. You act like I wanted, or planned for this to happen?

 

Sure this thing has haunted and bothered me deeply for over a decade, but I made a great, successful life for myself in spite of the situation, never letting it ruin or defeat me.

 

I'm looking forward to checking out your profile and reading some of your posts, can't wait to see what you are all about.

 

PEACE

 

-SecretDarkness

[volpe]

After looking at this post I think:

 

1) her husband has very good reason to get angry and upset. an ex from 12 years before is contacting his wife somewhat flirty, still thinking about her after all this time. she contacts him as well; yes, it is going to make him upset!!! absolutely! it doesn't make him a jerk off. you had been dreaming about this woman for 12 years, yet you say it's harmless and just under the guise of friendship. it doesn't seem like you are even being honest with yourself about your intentions

2) you still have dreams about her every now and then even after contacting her. you still wish you could meet up with her. WHY??? TO BE FRIENDS?!?! I don't think so. If it was just for friendship, YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD YOUR WIFE!!

3) From reading this thread, you need counseling to work through your feelings and find out why you are still obsessing about an ex who is married, while you are married. it's not fair to your wife at all. but i don't think you will, cause honestly, it looks like you are in denial about the gravity of your situation.

[langford]

I recommend you watch "before sunset" it has a very similar theme,and will resonate with you.

 

I think your life seems a little stifled/ordinary so you're going to this old space in your head were life was more full of possiblities.People who reject us tend to haunt us more,we think that if the only they loved us that life would have been better or easier or more worthwhile etc,their rejection ends up symbolizing all the things in life we wanted but never obtained.

 

 

I think this line is really important:

She was a very difficult person to connect with emotionally. Whereas I'm extremely sensitive & emotional, she could be cold & withdrawn a lot of the time.

 

People are often rightly drawn to an opposite,its an urge for what we don't possess.There is in that kind of attraction an unconscious need for balance.The missing ying to to your yang if you want to be cliche about it, and if it is'nt met this sort of imbalance just continues,you hanker after it.

 

But then again men seem to love * * * * * es,it is always the boyfriends that I did'nt love and treated very poorly that continue to ring you three ,four years later and never leave you in peace,that want you back,I think its an ego thing for men,just their slighted ego that they never recovered from.

[secretdarkness]

VOLPE,-- "Great, Great Post"! Thank You so much for taking the time to give such honest, straight forward opinion and advice on my situation.

 

Your words "sting", but there is certainly a lot of truth behind them. In my defense, I can honestly tell you that I am not looking to have an affair with my ex. Sincerely, contacting her was never about that. I'm married, she's married (she has 3 young children, and she is also not in great health) ...

 

I'm learning that numerous things fueled my prolonged obsession. My decision to contact this ex (behind my wifes back) was primarily because I was searching for understanding, closure and more importantly validation. Things ended so badly, so suddenly and so completely. I moved far, far away before I could work out all these deep-rooted issues with this person. I felt so angry & betrayed that I just ran away from everything.

 

I recently contacted her because: I wanted to hear that the break-up had a lot to do with her mothers interference, I desperately wanted to know if it was difficult for her to walk away from me, I wanted to hear that she still thought about me & missed me, I wanted to know if she still had any deep rooted feeling for me, like I still had for her.

 

Much to my surprise, once I contacted her, I learned that she did harbor alot of these same feelings. Honestly I was stunned, but very flattered.

 

Like other posters have stated, I strongly beieve that this obsession situation has a lot more to do with being unsatisfied with my life right now, than wanting to be "more than friends" with the ex. I do miss those years I was with her, I was such a different person.

 

Thanks again for commenting on my situation, it definitely helps to talk about it.

 

-SD

[secretdarkness]

LANGFORD,-- Thank you, Thank You, Thank You, so much for your honest words.

 

Your post has brought acouple of very emotional tears to my eyes... It's not all sadness, but exhausted relief & deeper understanding of what's been going on inside my tormented head & heart all these years. I'm a little depressed because the truth hurts when you look at it in black & white right in front of you like that.... everything you wrote is so "dead-on" accurate about me and my current situation.

 

It has been very hard for me to express, but I strongly relate to what you said about the rejection symbolizing other things/longings in life, searching for balance in an (opposite-type of) partner (Man', so true in my case), & the whole crushed ego angle. Wow, every word you wrote is so completely TRUE!

 

I understand eNotAlone is no substitution for professional therapy, (which I know I need) but this place, and especially people like you are helping tremendously... thanks again, your words help more than you know.

 

PEACE!!!

 

-SecretDarkness

[Scoobie]

Holy Smokes.

 

The whole time i was reading your posts (in chronological order), i had a very big feeling that you were going to cross the line and start cheating.

 

But that never happened.

 

But really, i have read tonnes of stories like yours, but they all ended up with cheating.

[secretdarkness]

Holy Smokes.

 

The whole time i was reading your posts (in chronological order), i had a very big feeling that you were going to cross the line and start cheating.

 

But that never happened.

 

But really, i have read tonnes of stories like yours, but they all ended up with cheating.

 

Hey SCOOBIE,-- Thanks for reading the entire thread (I can't believe how long it has become). Sorry I disappointed you by not cheating & crossing the line, ... just kidding.

 

Seriously, this whole ordeal was never really about cheating at all. I love my wife dearly, I came to eNotAlone because I wanted to figure this obsession thing out on my own (without having to involve my wife or see a psychologist).

 

Sure I still have some issues going on, but I have no interest in getting back with my ex. My mind sometimes gets "locked" on our old relationship when I get: lonely, stressed or I am unable to sleep, but in reality I have no interest in pursueing anything with the ex.

 

We almost decided to get together for a reunion type of meeting, but soon mutually realized it would be a big mistake. It wouldn't be cool to our current mates, and why risk complicating the situation.

 

Part of me still loves her (I always will), I'm so thankful for what we shared long, long ago... I completely enjoyed reconnecting with her (ie.getting closure & validation... and learning that she harbored alot of the same feelings) but it is all pretty much over now.

 

Thanks for commenting on my story.

 

PEACE

 

-SD

[secretdarkness]

QUICK UPDATE

 

Hey All,--

 

How's it going? Just thought I'd drop in and post a quick update on my situation. Firstly, a big thank you to all those that took an interest in my story. For all of you that took the time to read the entire thing and post opinions I am forever greatful (I sincerely mean that!!!), your feedback helped me more than words can express. THANKS AGAIN!!!

 

Well, I must say, "Life-Is-Good" these days my friends... I'm certainly doing much better than when I first came to eNa for knowledge, support & advice over a year ago.

 

I have been very proactive over the last 12 months. I guess the biggest thing, is that I'm trying to solve my sleep disorder. -- I've been to a sleep clinic & I've done my sleep study. Right now I'm waiting on the results.

 

As far as the situation with my ex.... (insert drum roll please). Things are Great! We are truly good friends now. I know alot of you "out there" really turned-on-me for the way I handled things with my ex ( I respect your opinion), but "I swear", things really turned out very positive.

 

Looking Back, I used NC out of spite & hatred, (at the time it was best, nothing else would have worked frankly) ... but it left a HUGE void in my life. Nothing, not marriage, time, success, or career could have filled that emptiness ... I needed to reconnect with this ex to solve the "secret darkness" that was overwhelming me 10 plus years later.

 

I can honestly say that I feel better these days. The ex and I have found a way to remain good friends and it has helped balance my life in a tremendous way. Some of you will always question my tactics (again, I respect that)... but in my heart I know I did the right thing.

 

Thanks for listening, much appreciated!

 

-SecretDarkness

[secretdarkness]

Hey everyone,--

 

Just wanted to drop in and say hi.

 

Hard to believe that I started this thread over 4 years ago. I can honestly say that this forum changed my life drastically. At my lowest point I admittedly needed professional councelling, but because of the tricky/delicate nature of the problem, that was just not a viable option. This place, and all the good people on here that took the time to read my story, and respond ... You guys saved me, and changed my life forever.

 

I learned so much about my issues, and about myself. The deep self examination, along with all the wonderful insight and advice I received, helped lift me out of my "SECRET DARKNESS".

 

Things have really changed. Somehow, I have no obsession issues with this old girlfriend any longer. It took so long, but it ended, and I basically (finally) moved past it.

 

The ironic thing is that this ex is now divorced, and she has been reaching out to me... pretty provocatively (I might add). I'm back to no contact, and it feels good to have the upper hand and be doing the right thing by just staying away.

 

ALL THE BEST!!!

 

-Secret Darkness

[engraved2008]

Wow, this is some heavy sh*/t to try and express... Mostly I think I'm after some form of validation from her or something. When it ended she told me how great I was, and how I deserved someone better than her. How I was perfect & it wasn't me it was her. She was my ideal, I just can't get her image to go away. The reason I've recently attempted to look her up, is more out of curiosity I think, it has been so many years... I just want to see how her life turned out.

 

Man,the same scenario happened to me 2 years a go,even with someone else....i still love him.Afraid i ll always love him...an i got married in between..split...started to get serious with someone....his memory still there....and hurts like hell....glad i m not the only one who feels guilty about it....same type of end....i m with someone else and wake up at night and think of him.

[abitbroken]

Wow, this is some heavy sh*/t to try and express... Mostly I think I'm after some form of validation from her or something. When it ended she told me how great I was, and how I deserved someone better than her. How I was perfect & it wasn't me it was her. She was my ideal, I just can't get her image to go away. The reason I've recently attempted to look her up, is more out of curiosity I think, it has been so many years... I just want to see how her life turned out.

 

There's a poster here named Floridaman who contacted a high school ex after MANY years and she asked him to never contact her again. It worked out very weird for him. He told her he was sorry for pushing her into sex, etc., and it probably was something she didn't think of a few decades later. It wasn't rape - just two teenagers testing boundaries or how far they would go. He wanted to be validated by her.

 

Anyway, I think that she really wasn't an ideal - but you made her as an ideal in your mind. In the past 12 years she has had no opportunity to be mean, emotionally distant or rejecting so the bad times fall away and you just remember the good. So she really isn't the person she is, but someone you have made her out to be. I suggest counseling for sure, and new goals for sure. Just recognize that maybe it didn't end it like you wanted it to, but you have a good life. Maybe consider writing a letter about how she hurt you or whatever you want to get out, and rip it up and never send it for closure.