Yikes...Do guys really prefer insecure/dependant women?

[denisemarie]

I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks back. She is in her forties, fairly nice looking, owns a business, and has been having terrible luck over the last few years finding someone to share her life with. She said that guys don't like girls who are independent and secure b/c they expect equal amounts of control over the relationship and most men need to be in control. Although I have seen this most of my life with my mom's disasterous marriages, I argued with her b/c I NEED to believe that equal relationships do exist. I went home and asked my b/f what he thought about it and this is what he said: Guys aren't attracted to strong independent women, they prefer them to be weak and insecure b/c men need to be in control of a relationship. Women who are independent expect more and can leave when they want. He said it is pure animal insinct and that is why men are attracted to looks and needs and women money and strength. Men need to be in control and women need to feel protected it is as simple as that. He even made a half-joking statment about dating single moms is kinda like taking care of "another man's garbage" and that is why guys won't usually date a single mom. I was appalled. Mind you I have been plenty weak and needy over the years, but I always thought the reason that a man stayed with me was b/c of who I am, and not how I look or what I need from them fiscally. I haven't had alot of experience dating I'm 32 and was married seven years and in a long-term relationship for six and a half years, but I am not a naive girl this is just something I never considered. Now I'm reaching my time for independance and security (graduating college) and my long-time b/f is ready to call it quits, how coincidental. Is he afraid that I might leave or that I might begin to demand or expect more from our relationship?

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't say that's true. I tend to be insecure and emotional at times, and not strong and I have a hard time finding guys. But, I do think that some guys like to play Prince Charming on a white stallion coming to take them from the tower. I dont know.

 

But then there are some guys who are threated by women who make more than they did. My ex was one of those guys. He wanted to be the provider for the woman and he was with his past gfs. They were also A LOT younger than him. When he met me, I made more than he did, lived on my own, drove, had a car, had a good job, etc. and after a while that bothered him a lot since he couldnt provide for me.

 

All men are different like all women are different.

[SquareWheel]

I can see how less secure guys might be put off by a successful, independent woman, but there are certainly exceptions. Personally, I've always admired and been attracted to strong, assertive, confident women.

 

I would speculate that one reason some guys don't pursue such women isn't because they don't find them appealing, but because they assume they won't meet her standards. It's sort of related to the reason many men won't bother to approach a strikingly attractive woman; they assume they won't have a chance.

[hosswhispra]

Yikes...Do guys really prefer insecure/dependant women?

 

If thats the truth, then I am untouchable. Seriously. Everything comes with it's positives and negatives.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Wow I think your boyfriend has some wacky ideas about how the world works.

[rocio]

Maybe not insecure, depending on how she expresses and deals with her insecurity. Guys don't usually like it when a girl acts irrationally or controlling based on insecurities. But dependent, yes. Guys will always tell you they prefer the strong, independent girl. But in my experience, they prefer the dumb, helpless, dependent one. Sorry guys.

[cordelia]

I don't think guys prefer needy and insecure women. Not in my past experiences anyways, if anything I think that me acting like that just turned them off! I think most guys are attracted to someone who has a balance of being independent, but can also be vulnerable with their man and allow them to take care of you.

I think that if a man falls in love with you, he loves you for who you are and because you love yourself.

[Outdoorcrazy]

Wow, thats quite a statement to make. I would have to disagree though. I do believe that many guys do like insecure/dependent women, but there are always guys who dont like that. I personaly hate that. I like strong people, and that is especialy true when it comes to ppl i date. Its makes things so much more interesting when i am with someone who isnt seeking for my aproval, but instaed is there to see if we work together naturaly!

[Lily04]

the correct answer is: it obviously depends on the guy.

[denisemarie]

I think that if a man falls in love with you, he loves you for who you are and because you love yourself

That's what I keep telling myself and I certainly hope that it proves true.

[Day_Walker]

I cannot say that all men are like that but the majority of my friends do not date independent and secure women. I can also say that I have never heard them say they actually looked for independent and secure women. Now there are some guys out there who like women with those qualities but I dont know many.

[annie24]

I think (Just my opinion) that men like to feel needed and useful in general. ie, if you ask a man for help fixing something, explaining something, for his opinion on a matter, most are more than happy to help you out. But that doesn't mean that all men need to feel "better than" their partners. I think that men who are healthy and stable would want an equal partner, whereas a guy who is insecure would want to feel better than his gf.

 

There are plenty of men out there that like strong intelligent women. so if you come accross a guy who doesn't, don't sweat it, just move on.

[hosswhispra]

^good point....

 

I think in general that men like to provide (a noble quality) and feel needed--after all, who doesn't?

[denisemarie]

I agree, give and take is what it's all about. You lean on me this week and I'll lean on you the next.

[gfein347]

the correct answer is: it obviously depends on the guy.

 

This is definitely correct. However, I think we can be a little more specific, too. In my opinion, guys that are insecure about themselves want to feel like they are in control in a relationship because it helps them feel secure. But if a guy is secure about himself, he will probably feel a lot more comfortable being in a relationship with an girl who is independent and secure.

[Dako]

Age has to play a role.

When you're 19, you're bound to meet more young ladies just getting started in life, but at my age, you meet women with a house, a car and a career who aren't gushing over a guy for having a job and no acne.

 

I always liked smart women with a handle on things.

[musicguy]

I'd rather be with a girl who's strong and somewhat independent

[EddieRentz]

I prefer strong and independent... to a point. Those have been the women I gravitated towards in the past, problem is they can get a little too wrapped up in their work (this goes for guys too).

[Budman]

I think it really depends on the guy, as well as how the "strong and independent woman" is perceived.

 

Granted a guy has to feel like the protector at times, but at the same time needs to feel that the woman would be in his times of need (aka a balance)

 

Some strong and independent women can make a male partner feel invalid or "disposable" just like a man can make a woman feel.

 

I hate to say it women, but you have to make us feel better, just like we have to make you feel better. It's a balance thing.

 

Aka, you want flowers to make yourselves feel loved, we need feel macho so we fix things, or hold you down (physically aka winning in arm wrestling etc).

 

If you ever see the movie "My super ex-girlfriend" I think you'd get my point that I'm trying to say (which that movie goes way overboard to display but it still states a point which I agree with).

 

If a woman seems like she has no need for you, then why on earth would you want to stay.

 

A man, just like a woman, needs to be needed at times. If there are never those times, the man doesn't feel needed.

 

We feel needed by:

Fixing the computer

Fixing the house

Fixing the car

Helping explain something

 

(Aka problem solving its what we do)

 

Women (again I am not a woman so I will take a guess here)

Caring for the man (or family)

Getting flowers

When the man opens up to her?

(I take the caring for the man/family from "Women are the primary caregivers" which I heard on the radio.)

 

 

I'm sure theres more on both sides, but I'm just trying to say is that it can be a percieved turn off, because men do have to feel like they have a part in the relationship, a VERY independent and strong woman can be a turn off because it could be felt that the man is not important to the woman.

 

AKa actions speak louder than words people. When a woman never asks a man for help, he feels invalid. I believe its the same as if a man never asks a woman for help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If generally men wanted women who were needy and helpless, how come a lot of men seem to fall for the emotionally abusive, control freak women? I think it is dangerous to make sweeping generalizations about men. I have seen lots of professional men who marry equally successful women in their field. If a man is very insecure, he will either gravitate to the needy women to act as rescuer, or he will gravitate to the control freak, abusive women because he has no backbone. I have a button that reads the following:

"A man of quality is not threatened by a woman for equality".

[Dako]

As a guy, I don't want to be a rescuer, problem solver or protector.

I don't want her to clean my house and iron my socks.

I just want to be a friend and lover.

 

Smart chicks are hot.

[RayKay]

Hmm, I guess for some men this may be true. Just as some women go for bad boys and dream then can change someone, some men go for women whom are in "need" whom they can rescue...it's knight in shining armour syndrome. These kinds of relationships usually lead to power imbalances and at least one party not really being fulfilled by it.....

 

Everyone wants to feel wanted, but there are those whom confuse feeling wanted for being needed and depended on for every thing....

[Batya33]

He sounds like a sexist person and not all people are like that. I think that in a relationship both people have to be willing to be vulnerable, let their guards down and depend on each other to a certain extent. Traditionally, the way a man helps a woman is different from the way a woman helps a man but it doesn't "have to" be that way.

 

I have a career, I am financially independent for the last decade or more (once I finished grad school), I am in general independent and able to take care of myself. Having said that I know when to let others care for me including my boyfriend. I am not afraid to let him take care of me and it makes him happy to do so. Meaning, I am not afraid it will take away from my independence. I am not afraid to be the one who does most of the domestic tasks and for him to be the one who changes light bulbs, carries my heavier packages, holds the door, helps me on with my coat and offers to serve me at a restaurant when we order family style. It makes us happy to have these different roles and I would never say that that would be right for anyone else.

 

I have been goal oriented, well educated, independent, throughout most of my dating life. I have been engaged twice, proposed to several times (officially, and more times unofficially), courted by many men, etc. Not saying this to brag, at all just saying that he is wrong at least with respect to me. I am not an intimidating person - I prefer to be close over being right, to establish rapport with all different types of people, to play nicely in the sandbox. I can be all that, I can be feminine and I can still bring home the proverbial bacon and fry it up in a pan.

 

Your guy sounds like a Loser with all due respect.

[Batya33]

If generally men wanted women who were needy and helpless, how come a lot of men seem to fall for the emotionally abusive, control freak women? I think it is dangerous to make sweeping generalizations about men. I have seen lots of professional men who marry equally successful women in their field. If a man is very insecure, he will either gravitate to the needy women to act as rescuer, or he will gravitate to the control freak, abusive women because he has no backbone. I have a button that reads the following:

"A man of quality is not threatened by a woman for equality".

 

Yes but that is presuming that a woman who is strong in her career is secure in other areas of her life. I know people who feel very confident in their work hat but, for example, feel insecure/needy in social situations.

[rocio]

The answer to this depends on 2 things:

1. the man in question, and

2. the degree to which the girl is insecure and dependent (or the way she deals with or expresses it)

 

I have more fun when I go out and socialise and am not straightforward about my life and who I am. I very rarely tell guys about my career, and I have a silly personality that can be misinterpretted as flaky and insecure. I get more positive responses from guys when I'm showing this dimension of myself than when I am straightforward about what I've accomplished, my career, etc.