Mom's control/influence over my dating decisions.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Have you thought about moving out and getting away from your parents? Taking time to let yourself grow into the person you want to be and not the person they expect you to be?

[charley]

Perhaps I was to rough on you. The views you expressed are not your views. They are the views of your mother coming out your mouth. You don't even know what your views are because you've never had the chance to figure them out. So I don't hold anything against you.

 

I'd like to see things work out for you. OK?

 

The fact is that if you allow your mom to choose your GF or wife, she'll choose a clone of herself and you'll find yourself married to your mother for the rest of your life. A frightening thought?

 

As others have said, you need to get away from your parents as soon and as far as you can. If you have college ahead of you, then go somewhere far enough from home that your parents cannot visit often. Like a many hour drive away or farther. If you are not going to go to college, then get a job far away.

 

You need time away to develope your own sense of self. Good luck.

[quietgrl]

Annie,

 

Be honest.We all know if we saw a 30 year old man dating a 18 year old teenager.We all would be saying "what the heck".We wouldn't be saying "oohh how nice ".

Luke needs to learn how to deal with women over 21 first before he date underage women.

[charley]

Annie,

 

Be honest.We all know if we saw a 30 year old man dating a 18 year old teenager.We all would be saying "what the heck".We wouldn't be saying "oohh how nice ".

Luke needs to learn how to deal with women over 21 first before he date underage women.

 

We don't know that. He might look younger than he is. She might look older than she is.

 

I'm 38, but can pass for 28 (or maybe younger) if I keep my baseball hat on and be with a woman 23 to 30 and no one would even know we were different ages. You can't always tell by looks. If they don't look a lot different, then who would even know?

 

Even if people did know, 30 is pretty young still. He's got enough limits on his freedom already. Let's not add unnecessary age restrictions to the list.

 

Besides, her younger age might make her more compatible with him if he hasn't dated much. Closer similarities of dating experience and all.

[shikashika]

Oh believe me, I'm juggling clients, I'm putting up ads for more homes. My mom more than anything wants me to be a very successful agent and see me get established and on my way. She just doesn't want me to waste time on dead-end girls. A girl with a child is a dead-ender - you go on a few dates, but if you know you cant get into a relationship waste of time. Chasing a girl whose not into you - another dead-ender. My mom was right about that girl last year, and this year. I'm pursuing dead-end propsects for some short term selfish fix or experience? This is not going to make me a successful agent.

 

Read the bold luke!

 

your mother even controls your job!!

 

i think this is one the main issues!

[Batya33]

I dont understand your logic. You either have chemistry with someone or you dont.

 

You said you have nothing to offer this 18 year old - nothing to offer of yourself. If that is true - or you believe it to be true - there is no point in going on a date with her, in my opinion.

[Luke Skywalker]

We don't know that. He might look younger than he is. She might look older than she is.

 

I have a pic I took out in Italy of a face shot, and people who looked at the pic thought I was 21 y/o.

 

 

I'm 38, but can pass for 28 (or maybe younger) if I keep my baseball hat on and be with a woman 23 to 30 and no one would even know we were different ages. You can't always tell by looks. If they don't look a lot different, then who would even know?

 

Of course, they only know what you tell them, but I've never lied about my age before.

 

Even if people did know, 30 is pretty young still. He's got enough limits on his freedom already. Let's not add unnecessary age restrictions to the list.

 

Besides, her younger age might make her more compatible with him if he hasn't dated much. Closer similarities of dating experience and all.

 

That's what I think. My mom likes her age too, and her newfound convictions in faith, but objects to the 'child'.

[Luke Skywalker]

You said you have nothing to offer this 18 year old - nothing to offer of yourself. If that is true - or you believe it to be true - there is no point in going on a date with her, in my opinion.

 

I dont quite grasp your statement. What exactly are you referring to in terms of 'offering'? See, the way I see it, is if someone wants to spend time to meet or date me, then there must be a reason behind it. It goes without saying, that I would not be going on a date if she didn't want to go on a date. If she wants to go on a date, then there must be something she 'got' from the first meeting/date that she would like to see me again.

 

Again, it's not much of a directive or statement since there is already natural checks and balances in place. Are you serious with this advice or are you teasing me here.

[Batya33]

I dont quite grasp your statement. What exactly are you referring to in terms of 'offering'? See, the way I see it, is if someone wants to spend time to meet or date me, then there must be a reason behind it. It goes without saying, that I would not be going on a date if she didn't want to go on a date. If she wants to go on a date, then there must be something she 'got' from the first meeting/date that she would like to see me again.

 

Again, it's not much of a directive or statement since there is already natural checks and balances in place. Are you serious with this advice or are you teasing me here.

 

You wrote above, quote "There is nothing that I can bring to her or anyone's life."

 

If that is true - or you believe it to be true, I would not date anyone unless and until that statement becomes untrue for some reason. That she wants to go on a date with you doesn't change the reality that you believe that you can bring nothing to her. If your purpose is to get experience in dating, you won't experience dating unless and until you believe you can bring something to the other person's life. I am not teasing you - perhaps your statement was exxagerated or over-dramatized but I cannot tell just from your typing.

 

And, no I don't believe the sole purpose of dating is to have fun. If all you want to do is have fun, I am still not sure how it would possibly be fun if you believe you have nothing to offer to the other person. If I were on a date with someone who believed that I would find it painful, boring and depressing, not fun.

 

Do you really think you cannot offer interesting conversation, companionship, listening skills, friendship? None of those things? Again, if that is truly your mindset, work on changing that first - dating is a fairly high level social interaction because it involves chemistry, attraction, can involve romance - why not start just being friends with women and seeing if you have anything to offer as far as friendship?

[CarnelianButterfly]

How is a woman with a child a dead-end relationship? Because she's had a child that makes her incapable of being a partner? She can have more children, she can get married, she can be a good person. How does being a mother negate any of that?

[shikashika]

How is a woman with a child a dead-end relationship? Because she's had a child that makes her incapable of being a partner? She can have more children, she can get married, she can be a good person. How does being a mother negate any of that?

 

 

I think its more of a personal preferance.. I dated a guy with a kid once.. never again.. its not something I'm looking for.

 

sure she/he meay be nice/funnny etc... but its most definitely not for me

[quietgrl]

We don't know that. He might look younger than he is. She might look older than she is.

 

I'm 38, but can pass for 28 (or maybe younger) if I keep my baseball hat on and be with a woman 23 to 30 and no one would even know we were different ages. You can't always tell by looks. If they don't look a lot different, then who would even know?

 

Even if people did know, 30 is pretty young still. He's got enough limits on his freedom already. Let's not add unnecessary age restrictions to the list.

 

Besides, her younger age might make her more compatible with him if he hasn't dated much. Closer similarities of dating experience and all.

 

 

charley,

I went around telling people online and offline about this story.What do you think about a 30 year old man dating an 18 year old teenager.Most people thought luke was using this woman for sex and called him nasty names which maded me mad.Luke is my little bro. The women who also replied to my question said it didn't matter if luke was a virgin,look young or didn't act his age.The women thought he needed to find a woman his own age.

[Batya33]

That's a very general way to put it - with no context of course people are just going to go on gut reactions based on little information except for age. The issue here isn't the age difference - that's the smallest issue. It is the fact that he still lives at home with controlling parents and does not think he has anything to offer anyone he would date.

[Aurian]

Luke, you can respect your parents' opinions, but that is all they should be at your age - Opinions, not rules.

 

What do YOU think about dating this girl? Are YOU bothered by her child? By the fact that she has been intimate with someone (that seems to be a thing with you from your posts)? By her age? Forget what your parents are saying and listen to your own morality. If you think its wrong in your heart, then it won't work. If you think it has a chance, then tell your parents to leave it alone.

 

The issue here isn't your mom's opinion of this girl. The issue is the fact that you're jumping.

[quietgrl]

That's a very general way to put it - with no context of course people are just going to go on gut reactions based on little information except for age. The issue here isn't the age difference - that's the smallest issue. It is the fact that he still lives at home with controlling parents and does not think he has anything to offer anyone he would date.

 

I told people everything about luke and this teenage woman except for Luke's name and i got the same answer.

The issue about luke living at home is a big deal but not a BIG deal because as long as Luke is making money.A woman will except anything from a man.Some woman want to know that a man has potential while still living at home.Some woman will over look anything from a man as long as he's giving her attention,gifts,dinner and sex.

[Batya33]

I am sure some people will always be desperate and some people will always take advantage - that's not the point - unless your point was simply to express cynical views about what women want. Most of the women I know would not be comfortable dating a 30 year old man who lives at home for the reasons he does - including me.

 

To me there is nothing sillier than dating someone you're not into just for the free meals - how can someone enjoy a nice dinner if she or he does not enjoy the company? I've had enough awful dates at lovely restaurants with the inevitable stomach ache after that I would never want to experience that as a steady diet.

 

If those are the women who would want him - the type of person who is desperate or a user then I don't see what the point would be in him dating a person like that.

[Luke Skywalker]

 

Do you really think you cannot offer interesting conversation, companionship, listening skills, friendship? None of those things? Again, if that is truly your mindset, work on changing that first - dating is a fairly high level social interaction because it involves chemistry, attraction, can involve romance - why not start just being friends with women and seeing if you have anything to offer as far as friendship?

 

Friendship, listening skills, companionship, 'interesting conversations' are all implied on dating anyway. When you go on a date, you are in the company of someone, you are listening to them, and you have to talk about something interesting -- I cant imagine a date where you are going to stare and smile for thirty seconds and both people go on their merry way.

 

I thought you were talking in terms of money or material value. In that case, if a woman is looking to take me for a ride, well, I do not offer that. I do not consider offering what I normally give out to anyone who is showing an interest in me anyway.

 

So, sure, I have those things to offer, although, what quietgirl said above would seem to imply that what women want are generally more superficial then these (i.e. money, gifts, etc....), so that is what I thought you meant.

[Batya33]

OK - I see that you misinterpreted and did so based on a stereotype you have. Consider that since you allow yourself to generalize in that way please don't take issue with women who will label you as not available for a relationship based on your decision to live at home.

[charley]

I have a pic I took out in Italy of a face shot, and people who looked at the pic thought I was 21 y/o.

 

Of course, they only know what you tell them, but I've never lied about my age before.

 

That's what I think. My mom likes her age too, and her newfound convictions in faith, but objects to the 'child'.

 

You look 21? Cool. You'd look like you belong with an 18 year old and no 3rd party spectators in public would even give age a thought. They'd never suspect, it's none of their business anyway, and you aren't doing anything wrong. People who have to deal with age-gap predjudice are the ones who visually appear to be substantially different ages. That doesn't apply to your situation, or mine.

 

As for my age and looks, I didn't mean the woman I was with wouldn't know. I'd tell her my age at whatever point she asks. I meant that it's none of 3rd party spectators business and they wouldn't know anyway. Spectators wouldn't know or guess my true age and it's none of their business anyway.

 

You're age 30. It's long past time to cut the apron strings for your own sanity. It doesn't matter what your mom thinks of your GF, if you like her. It's time to take charge of your own life. No more living with your mom, if that's what you are doing.

[CarnelianButterfly]

OK - I see that you misinterpreted and did so based on a stereotype you have. Consider that since you allow yourself to generalize in that way please don't take issue with women who will label you as not available for a relationship based on your decision to live at home.

That really is a cultural thing though. Some countries it is acceptable for male children to live with their parents well into adulthood. I know my Italian friend moved to the US with his mother, she wanted to make sure he adjusted to his new home. She lived with him a year or so and went back to Italy.

[Batya33]

That really is a cultural thing though. Some countries it is acceptable for male children to live with their parents well into adulthood. I know my Italian friend moved to the US with his mother, she wanted to make sure he adjusted to his new home. She lived with him a year or so and went back to Italy.

 

Yes, that is very true, thanks for pointing that out. I do not think that is the OP's situation and I was only opining on that situation.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke, you can respect your parents' opinions, but that is all they should be at your age - Opinions, not rules.

 

What do YOU think about dating this girl?

 

As long as it doesn't interfare with my livlihood or business, I do not see anything wrong with dating this girl. She is a born-again Christian who has given her life to the LORD, she is into me, and we enjoy each other's company, that's all that counts in my books.

 

Are YOU bothered by her child?

 

I think I'm putting blinders on about it or have a certain naievity about the whole situation. She is not physically bringing her child on any dates or is not asking me for money to support him, so it's not bothering me so far as it's not 'in my face'. However, it would likely bother me if it was 'in my face' and I had to deal with it.

 

By the fact that she has been intimate with someone (that seems to be a thing with you from your posts)?

 

I think as my 'Retroactive Infidelity" thread twisted, the issues are more complex than that. It seems that it's an issue with Indian woman for some reason, (probably by some classical conditioning or psychological phenominon from some obscure prior experience - namely in 2003 where I had a crush on an Indian girl who turned me down). She's Black. I do not care if she has been intimate with someone before, or it's not bothering me. If she was White or Asian it would not bother me either.

 

I'm still trying to study this phenominon, but for now, I think I should stay away from dating Indian woman, or any woman of Indian descent given the history of problems on such dates.

 

By her age?

 

Age is just a number. I'm dating a person, not a number.

 

Forget what your parents are saying and listen to your own morality. If you think its wrong in your heart, then it won't work. If you think it has a chance, then tell your parents to leave it alone.

 

Everything is moral EXCEPT seeing her naked, or having any form of sex with her, or getting to sexual. (I.e. if I were to see her for ice cream, then there is no moral issue, etc...)

 

However, the reality of the situation is that based on my own records here, I am a rather 'sexual desperate' type (i.e. the 'November mode - check out my past threads on a Search on the Sex and Romance section to find out what I did last November to guage what state of mind is LATENT right now), where going out with a woman/girl with no boundaries, where I'm already fantasising or masturbating, would seem reckless to put myself in a situation of temptation.

 

If I have a latent or dormant - (subconscious, unconscious) wish to be deflowered by a girl to experience sex - then there is a serious risk that given a clear 'opportunity' that anything could happen. But, will I just enjoy and bask in the fact that I have a choice to have sex and feel happy (which has happened before - where I'd just feel happy and masturbate on the fact there is a chance to have sex, or would I actually go ahead and have sex.

 

The issue here isn't your mom's opinion of this girl. The issue is the fact that you're jumping.

 

Jumping, what do you mean?

[Luke Skywalker]

OK - I see that you misinterpreted and did so based on a stereotype you have. Consider that since you allow yourself to generalize in that way please don't take issue with women who will label you as not available for a relationship based on your decision to live at home.

 

What decision to live at home? Are you saying I have a choice?

Unless you have money to pay rent and bills there is no choice.

[annie24]

What decision to live at home? Are you saying I have a choice?

Unless you have money to pay rent and bills there is no choice.

 

say that you hit it off with this woman (or any other woman) and you get married to her. is she going to come live with you and your parents? Or are you just going to marry rich?

[Luke Skywalker]

If those are the women who would want him - the type of person who is desperate or a user then I don't see what the point would be in him dating a person like that.

 

This is just the point of why I am going to have problems dating people in my own age category. Most people around my age are already seasoned and set in their ways, heck, that includes people who are a few years younger than I am.

 

Thus, the solution is to simply date a yonger girl. But, a yonger girl need not imply that she is a user or depserate person to go with an older guy, again, that just may be preferance. As a guy I have to feel like I'm the man, and in charge, at least to some degree, or it's going to be another dreaded 'friendzone' interaction.