Do most lie about the number of past sexual partners?

[shes2smart]

What happens when the relationship evolves into something serious though? Do you then tell your SO the real number? Or do you keep that from them forever? Wouldn't it cause problems if down the road if they find out they didn't know?

 

I've never lied, but then again I have a very small number.

 

Would being married 4.5 years and counting fit your definition of "something serious"?

 

I don't know my husband's "number" and he doesn't know mine. There's an 11 year age difference between us (I'm older), and I went through a real "wild child" phase in my early 20's, so I'm guessin' my "number" is significantly higher than his. Honestly, I don't know what my "number" is...it wasn't that important to me to keep track of a "number."

 

Anyway, it only causes problems if one or both of you is going to get fixated on/hung up on past events that cannot be changed. One of my favorite sayings is: "Even the almighty God cannot change the past."

 

People can change over time. Some of the things I did in my 20's I'd NEVER do today...and I would not want to be judged by someone by actions I made when I was immature and didn't know any better. Sharing a "number" with someone will open the door to that.

 

Also, I believe there are some things that are meant to be private...meaning things that are kept ONLY to ourselves.

 

You can only deal with the person your SO is NOW and how they behave NOW...not who they were before they met you and what they did when they may have been younger and just didn't know any better. All those experiences they had before they met you helped shape them into the person they are today (and the person you're theoretically attracted to)...even if you could change their past experiences, that would alter who they are now...and not necessarily for the better.

[jengh]

I've got the answer to that one (at least from England). Lots of people have promiscuous pasts then settle into monogamous relationships.

 

I agree. That is exactly how I am. I'm not proud of my previous promiscuity, but now that I've found someone I could potentially settle down with, I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else.

[itsallgrand]

Why do you think she is lying?

 

Do you have any reason to distrust what she says?

 

If you do - deal with that. I mean, dishonesty or that feeling of not being able to communicate honestly and openly about certain things.

If you don't, and this is more about your own issues (hey, we all got em): my advice would be to just let it go.

 

Like others here have said, in the end it doesn't matter what lay in the past.

What matters is NOW.

Think: can anything she says about this change how you fundamentally feel about her?

Is the number really that important?

[Beec]

Bingo. I am in something quite serious, and I don't know her number and she does not know mine. I have only know the number of one ex within the past ten years. Also, I have heard implications of one of my exes doing kinkier things that she seemed to be uncomfortable doing with an ex of hers. However, it was also clear she did not want to say anything further, so nothing was going to be asked.

 

Now, the OP has asked and been told and thinks she was lying. If you let this sink the relationship, I hope you learn not to ask again.

[Day_Walker]

I have lied about the number of sexual partners I have had. I also believe that it is an important question to ask. I like knowing about a persons past that I am seeing, I also know that she is going to make herself look better by lying about the number of sexual partners but since I know this I adjust accordingly. I can also handle it when a girl tells me her number of sexual partners. I dont need to know details, I just like to know what has been their past behavior because I believe that peoples behavior does not really change over time.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I put up a post last week about discussing the number of past sexual partners with a significant other. Anyway, do most people lie? I think most do, (and studies indicate that woman usually lie by telling a lower number, and men lie by telling a higher number). What about your exeperiences with this? Did you or your bf/gf lie about this? Also, is it a big deal if one lies about this to their bf/gf?

 

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Siriana]

Well, first of all I hate it when someone asks me my number (you know - when things are still new and you don't feel comfortable sharing that). For me it is the first sign I will have problems dealing with that person.

Of course if I am in a relationship and I trust my partner these things come out and I have no problem telling the truth than. I never lied.

But again if someone who's not in that position asks me how many... Well I get really angry and offended. But I pretend to be cool and I say I have no intentions sharing that so soon with you.

[shikashika]

shikashika - well, I'm thinking of "running" because I believe that my gf is lying about her number. She said 9 was her number, which, in my mind, that probably means about 15-20. I just wish I knew if she was lying. And I sure as heck don't want to bring it up again with her, but I truly believe she is lying. The "number" is not important - BUT LYING IS!!! If I found out she was lying a year or so from now, I'm not sure how I would handle it.

 

 

why do you think she is lying... is it just because of the 'myth' out there that everyone lies?

 

most people who responded to ths thread say they would tell the truth... does it scare you to think she would have been with 18 or 27 people?

 

maybe she's only been with 9 people!! thats not very many.

 

As someone else said... this is a WHOLE OTHER issue if you think she's lying rather than how many people she's been with. Has she lied to you about other things in the past? why would she lie now?

 

and IF she was lying... think of the reasons why... I think the only reason someone woud lie is if their partner has given off the idea that they think its slutty or trampy to sleep with more than a few people... If you have gven her the idea that 'the less the better" can you blame her for lying.

 

if somone's been with a ton of people, and they meet an new partner and that new partner is very secure with himself/herself... I don't think there would be any reason to lie..

 

note is always bad... but maybe, if you've given some reason for her to believe you will think less of her, then maybe she is lying... only she knows the answer!

[RayKay]

The "number" is not something I really think is that necessary to share, and often can lead to more problems than it is worth when people put a lot of "weight" on the number, or difference, when it is reflective of a past and not present.

 

What concerns me more is their views on monogamy/cheating and that they do view a relationship as being an exclusive thing. And of course their sexual health.

 

Anyway, no, I have never lied about my number, my boyfriend and I DO know one anothers "number" and mine is double his number (his is not a high one though..lol), and I am not ashamed of that, nor is he ashamed of his, and nor should either of us be. I will fully admit that while most were within relationships, there are a couple while I was single I would take back if I could, but I can't so what can I do about it now?

 

We both basically said to one another that it really does not matter, as we are going to be each others lasts anyway

 

(And to hoss, no, honestly I really don't think you "worry" about matching up, at least not if you are comfortable with your sexuality, your sex life together and nourish it together! Neither of us are concerned in that respect of not being one anothers lasts as we CHOOSE to be together, not just for sex of course, but for many other reasons, I would not be with someone whom had so little self control and commitment that they could not be trusted to stay faithful). The past is part of whom we are, but it does not determine whom we are.

[eleanorrigby1]

Itsallgrand....

 

if you have had a lot of sexual partners - or certainly more then what you feel your partner could handle or accept - its is better to lie.

 

we all have a past - i certainly do. If i were honest with B.F i know they wouldn't like it and would probably think less of me as a person for it....

 

 

THANK YOU!!

 

You have made me feel better. I lied too. I have struggled with it, I posted here at the time called WHITE LIE, the advice was LIE!!!

 

ha ha

 

He would probably think less of me, i know for a fACT it would damage our relationship and its too precious to lose because of mistakes i made in the past when i wasnt always so lucky in love.

[herewegoagain]

shikashika - YES it is the myth that everyone lies is what makes me think she may be lying. Also, a while back, she claimed to have been with only 1 person in the last seven years (she brought this subject up, i didn't), and she then tells me a couple of weeks ago that that wasn't true - that she has been with more than the one in the last seven years. Also, many girls in my past have lied about it.

[locolady]

i dont think you should get too hung up on actual numbers....its more the mentality towards sex that could be a problem.....it would put me off if a guy had slept around because i wouldnt feel special and would think he just wanted to bed me then he'd disappear but if he was happy to take things slowly and said he valued sex, i'd be happy with that.

 

i know the issue here for you is the lying.....youre going to have to ask her because you'll never get it out of your mind otherwise. one thing to consider though is this...

 

I say i've slept with 2 long term boyfriends if i am asked.....although to be technical i've slept with 3 people as on one occasion not so long ago a good friend and i got horribly drunk and ended up together - it was something and nothing, we kinda started and realised it was a bad idea and promptly fell asleep! neither of us had an orgasm, we barely got started....i'm not proud of it and dont really count it. Is this lying? i know you think there might be a big discrepancy between the number your gf has given you and the real one and situations like this couldnt really count for all of them but maybe you could relax a little and be prepared to accept a compromise about why she told you a lie (if indeed she did)

 

anyway, good luck

[shikashika]

shikashika - YES it is the myth that everyone lies is what makes me think she may be lying. Also, a while back, she claimed to have been with only 1 person in the last seven years (she brought this subject up, i didn't), and she then tells me a couple of weeks ago that that wasn't true - that she has been with more than the one in the last seven years. Also, many girls in my past have lied about it.

 

have you given any reason to make her feel like you would be disappointed with her 'number"?

 

Maybe the guys she been with in the pst have made her feel that way...

has she lied in other aspects of her life?

[herewegoagain]

Basically, what I'm saying to you all is this - NO, the number does NOT matter. BUT, lying about it DOES matter. This is my opinion.

[shikashika]

Basically, what I'm saying to you all is this - NO, the number does NOT matter. BUT, lying about it DOES matter. This is my opinion.

 

of course lying matters....but the point is.... Is she lying??

 

what has she done to make you think she's lying? or do you think you are being paranoid?

[Beec]

Basically, what I'm saying to you all is this - NO, the number does NOT matter. BUT, lying about it DOES matter. This is my opinion.

 

I think we all get parts of that, but do you know that she did when you asked her? I doubt it.

[herewegoagain]

No - I did not act disappointed with her number. In fact, I have no problem with it - but only if it is the TRUTH!!

[shikashika]

No - I did not act disappointed with her number. In fact, I have no problem with it - but only if it is the TRUTH!!

 

OK, but why do you think its not the truth... what has she done to make you think she is decieving you?

[amtjrtcet]

If you were another guy going to ask me, I might give you a vague answer, but it would be fairly accurate. If you were a woman I was interesed in, I just would not tell you. You may need to know other things, but not that. I also would not ask.

 

I completely agree with Beec. No need to know that. I wouldn't ask either. None of my business. What's in the past is in the past.

[herewegoagain]

shikashika - i think she is lying because of what i posted before - that she first said that she has only been with one guy in the last 7 years, then she said that wasn't true. Also, she is 37 years old, so to me, 9 seems like a low number.

[Corvette]

I just don't bring it up, and if anyone asks I just say I stopped counting at 40

[Momene]

shikashika - i think she is lying because of what i posted before - that she first said that she has only been with one guy in the last 7 years, then she said that wasn't true. Also, she is 37 years old, so to me, 9 seems like a low number.

 

I wouldn't say 9 is very low, in fact I'd imagine it's quite normal, although possibly on the low end of normal.

[Day_Walker]

I want to know why everyone feels that if they had a promiscous past that this some how implies that they would or will cheat in their relationship. I dont know where that kind of logic comes into play. I believe that people dont really change the people they are unless they make a conscious choice to do so. That being said I think that the number of sexual partners in important because it gives me insight to that person. I do not ask because I believe this will increase the possibility of her cheating but I ask because it gives me insight to her and her thought process.

I believe the promiscuity and infidelity are two separate things but the two can come together. In my experience the girls that say "its none of your business" when I ask how many sexual partners they have are ashamed of their past. When they make that statement I am already formulating inferences just because of that statement. The most obvious inference is that they have no gotten over what they have done in the past and to them the past is not really the past since they are living it. Lets say that a female said she had 58 partners but I noticed that she has changed and her lifestyle is no longer like that then I give her credit for making the change. The question is much more than just the obvious answer it is about how the person deals with their past, if they have accepted it, if it still haunts them and it is also an indicator as their security as a person.

[EvaGina]

^^

That makes sense

Except I would think that when a women refuses to tel a man how many people she has slept with, its not always that she isnt over her past.

I am pretty logical, I am not proud of everyone I have slept with, but I dont tell my partners the number, not because ~I~ have am ajor issue with it, but just becuase people can be so judgmental.

They tend to freak out and think that I think of them as "just a number"... when I was younger, I probably would have, but I dont do that anymore.

[silky88]

i would never lie about it... my number is pretty close to my age (i'm bi so both sexes), and i've heard that age=number for guys, or roundabouts there. as i don't see any point in having a double standard for men vs. women, i definitely wouldn't feel ashamed... however, my bf is older than me, and his number is almost half of mine. i don't care, though. he doesn't seem to either. i'm actually GLAD to have 12 years of sexual experience under my belt -- i know what to do and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

hoss - let me tell you first-hand that over-ten doesn't necessarily equal lust for sexual variety... i have NO desire to be with anyone but my current partner; he is all the variety that i need. and if for some reason it doesn't work out, i'll probably be celibate for awhile. i'm SO sick of going through getting to know another person's sexuality and body and waiting for the sex to get better in the meantime. i'm completely done with sleeping around. it does get boring!