"Men are never too shy to approach the girl they really like"

[Batya33]

I have asked out men in the past. Never been effective past getting the one date I asked for. I have no problem in theory asking men out but likely wouldn't do it again because it was always ineffective for me (but I never say never).

 

I don't think men have to do all the work even if they are the ones who ask out for the first date. The woman has to make it clear she is interested, respond to the invitation graciously and with enthusiasm, be a good sport about the restaurant or activity he picks even if it is not her favorite. Etc. I have never "sat back" in any of my relationships, platonic or otherwise. It's not in my nature.

[Kevin T]

Well, then you understand where I am coming from, Batya.

 

I too have asked out women, only to be spit upon in the face (I speak metaphorically, of course). So I have come to realize that what works for some, does not work for all.

 

Just because I was born with a penis doesn't mean I should have to be this great, out-going socialite, which I am clearly not. Even if I were, I still have to wonder if that would matter to some of these women I know...

[TheRedQueen]

I tend to pursue/chase shy men, sometimes it proves to be successful, other times, not so much, but what can I say, that's always been my M.O., and no, I do not have a penis.

[DN]

All I can do is answer what you say in your original posts - and what I answered was a direct quote.

[CarnelianButterfly]

People can flirt, but never ask someone out. I've had several male friends that we all flirt incessantly with each other. Never dated a one, don't want to, but flirting is fun.

[Kevin T]

And completely pointless.

[CarnelianButterfly]

And completely pointless.

 

Since when does having fun need to have a point?

[Kevin T]

That's fine you feel that way.

 

But not everyone will share that belief.

[Don_Eduardo]

This sounds pretty spot on advice to me. It's the feeling-good-about-yourself trait that leads to situations where the possibility of dating a woman is very real.

 

OK I'll use a metphor out of the Matrix. Pretty egotistical of me but I'm going to say it nonetheless. Think of this scene in one of the training programs Morpheus is mentoring Neo/Mr Anderson on the path to him becoming the 'One':

 

Neo: "So, what are you saying? That I'll be able to dodge bullets?"

 

Morpheus: "No, Neo. What I'm saying is, when you're ready you won't have to."

 

At this point, Neo still doubts himself as being this prophetic saviour that Morpheus refers to. Relating it back to the real world [no pun intended], I believe once shy people in the dating department have built up a solid grounding of self-confidence - and feelings of positive self-worth - the self-perceived problems of approaching women and asking them out will simply fade away. In other words, Neo (as the metaphorical shy person) could be seen as still operating in a system of rules, where bullets fired from a gun (again, a metaphor for the problems encountered approaching and initiating romantic interest in women) need to be dodged to avoid their damage.

 

In the crucial final sequence, when Neo is 'beginning to believe', he is able to overcome the bullets fired at him by Agent Smith and not have to succumb to them. He has power over them (as well as their instigator) and is able to act instead of react.

 

I hope my point hasn't run away with me and gets through to u fellaz!

[Batya33]

All I can do is answer what you say in your original posts - and what I answered was a direct quote.

 

I don't doubt that and I tried to explain what I meant in the subsequent post. Obviously we have had vastly different experiences with dating and what is generally effective. That is what makes this forum so interesting.

[Batya33]

Well, then you understand where I am coming from, Batya.

 

I too have asked out women, only to be spit upon in the face (I speak metaphorically, of course). So I have come to realize that what works for some, does not work for all.

 

Just because I was born with a penis doesn't mean I should have to be this great, out-going socialite, which I am clearly not. Even if I were, I still have to wonder if that would matter to some of these women I know...

 

I don't think asking a woman out for a soda requires you to be a great, out-going socialite in any sense of the word. In my job I have to put myself out there almost daily, asking uncomfortable questions, voicing an opinion that might not be popular, risking seeming like an idiot. That doesn't make me uber-aggressive or uber-assertive by any means.

 

You can take anything I say to your own extremes but at that point it has no relevance to what I said in the first place - it becomes your own agenda.

 

I am sorry that thus far you have not been successful in asking women out. I hope you don't let that affect your behavior going forward or your attitude about yourself, your desirability, or others.

[Kevin T]

Hah ha. It already has... greatly.

[No Spaces Rob]

The flirting in this case was not the problem. The problem here was that one person thought that the flirting may have meant more, while to the other person it was a 'friendly' flirt. The person who thought the flirting may have meant more would have done a great service to her own sanity by trying to find out herself is this is the case, instead of waiting and hoping.

 

Either way, if the flirting never escalates to something else you're going to eventually have to escalate it yourself (asking him out is a good idea) or stop hoping that he's going to bust a move some time in the future ("any day now"). In some cases it could just be that you read him wrong - it is notoriously hard to read a person. In others it could be that he's shy.

 

A woman would do herself a great service by trying to find this out rather than stewing in waiting, hoping that he'll make a move "any day now".

[Batya33]

In this particular case she wrote him a long letter with her feelings (both platonic and romantic - but more platonic was my impression) and his response was that he "agreed" with what she said. I told her that since she did not say in the letter that she wanted to date him it was anybody's guess what he meant by "I agree."

 

What I would do in that situation - I would flirt for as long as I was comfortable (as in - I am ok if this is all there is) - at the point where I started wanting more - a date, for example, I would mention activities, movies, etc that I like and continue to be friendly and encouraging. If there was no invitation by him, I would back off - not ignore him, but not be as available for flirting either. Then, if he wanted more communication with me, he would have to find a way to spend time with me - by asking me out for lunch or a date or whatever.

 

I once was in that situation (has not happened more than a few times - typically men who are sincerely interested want to ask me out asap and make sure that I know their intentions) - we were in our mid 20s. He flirted incessantly for weeks. I flirted back (both single, unattached). I asked him to have lunch with me (we worked in the same office) and at lunch he was very quiet, almost shy.

 

I don't remember exactly but he probably started talking about someone he was dating and/or explained to me that he was just "kidding around" when he flirted. He made it totally clear he was interested only in flirting. I was not mad at him - in fact, it was totally predictable because he had never asked me out on a date. That is the typical situation I see happen time and again.

 

 

In my experience, the majority of the time if the woman has to ask the man out because he is flirting over an extended period of time (weeks) and not stepping up to the plate she will find that he is not interested in dating her or is dating/pursuing someone else. Nothing wrong with flirting, nothing wrong with asking but that is the typical outcome I have seen.

[walkingwithaghost]

I speak from experience. I'm a girl. But I'm shy. If I really like a guy I will ask him out....

 

But, that implies a couple things if a guy sorta likes you and is shy he wont ask you out (def tru, he would say yes if you approached him tho).

 

But, if a guy is shy and reallly likes someone he will ask them out. It's just logic. You have to weigh the fear associated with asking someone out against how much you like the person. IE I am extremely scared to ask her out but I like her even more than that.

[walkingwithaghost]

oh also I am shy and have only liked one guy enough to ask him out, so the odds of this happening are slim (your attraction for the person eclipsing your fear of the person)..

[walkingwithaghost]

Also this guy did not flirt with me because he was that shy and I did not flirt with him because I was that shy. But I liked him a lot and suspected he liked me.

 

It makes sense that if someone is outgoing enough to flirt with you they will be outgoing enough to ask you out. duh.

 

So Batya is right. And like she said neither of us were emotionally available for a relationship though we did go on lots of dates and have fun our experience was very bizarre and disjointed.

[Batya33]

Also this guy did not flirt with me because he was that shy and I did not flirt with him because I was that shy. But I liked him a lot and suspected he liked me.

 

It makes sense that if someone is outgoing enough to flirt with you they will be outgoing enough to ask you out. duh.

 

So Batya is right. And like she said neither of us were emotionally available for a relationship though we did go on lots of dates and have fun our experience was very bizarre and disjointed.

 

Actually, I don't think you need to be outgoing enough to flirt to ask someone to have coffee - I've been asked out several if not many times by men who were not outgoing in the least or the type to flirt.

[No Spaces Rob]

I suspect that some men may have something against flirting, even though they don't have a general shyness problem with women. Perhaps some men think flirting is childish, or 'girly'. Of course, being 'childish' is sort of the point - flirting is playful.

 

Anyway, I don't have anything ideologically against flirting; I try to flirt. But I am still generally too shy to ever do something as bold as asking someone out.

[shyguy1]

I can say with zero reservations that it's false with a capital F.

 

There's been numerous girls I was as interested as interested can possibly be and I could never speak to them

 

I'll put it this way:

 

Way back in jr. high school this attractive and quite intelligent Vietnamese girl had interest in me. It may have been the fact that this girl had it all going on for her.. homecoming queen....student council president..straight A student, but when friend after friend.. after friend told me that yes she was in fact interested I still doubted it... I thought there's no way a girl like that could ever have even the slightest interest in me.

 

Long story short once I finally felt comfortable in my thoughts that yes she really did have interest I asked her on a date.

 

Even knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was going to say yes, I was still a sad sight to see. Looked down at the ground at all times and struggled to get the words out. We ended up going out for a year and that's honestly the only time I can ever say I was in love.

 

Imagine that initial date request being magnified ten fold.. because even today all these years later that's what it would be like unless I knew beforehand that there was no doubt that she had as much interest in me, as I had in her.

 

I simply put won't talk to girls... doesn't matter how interested I am in them. The fear of rejection and the shyness combined are too much of a cross to bare.

 

Basically unless the girl initiates the conversation and shows the interest herself... I don't meet anyone and while it's becoming more and more common for females to do this, it's still typically the male that takes the lead in this regard... or at least that's what I tell myself to make me feel better about the fact that girls haven't taken the time to approach me.

[Batya33]

Have you considered working on your shyness or is it more comfortable for you to be shy then to have to be out there meeting people? Fine either way. I always write that if an adult man is sincerely interested AND available he will ask out a woman for a date.

 

Sounds like you have chosen to make yourself not available to date by choosing to let the fear take priority over the asking. You can work on that, if you choose.

 

I have a different kind of fear - not a social fear - at times it was more like a phobia - and I chose to let it stop me from doing certain activities that would have been fun. I know how it feels. Luckily over time the phobia part subsided and now it's more of a fairly strong fear which sometimes i can overcome.

[MasterofStrategery]

This statement is completely FALSE, and not just for shy guys, but for what I'd guess would be about 90% of the population. Most guys just end up dating the most attractive women that they meet by dumb luck. For example, socially popular people get lazy if they meet enough women through their social circles. Very few men approach women they don't know well in a sincere manner.

[Raiden]

Ive heard this from quite a few men......

If a guy is truly interested, Shyness wont stop him?

 

Is this true/false?

 

Haven't read the whole thread. Sorry. But I'll answer the OP

 

It depends on the guy.

 

I, for one, am excruciatingly and embarrassingly shy around the fairer sex. If I'm interested in a girl, I have a hell of a job approaching her and initiating conversation with her, let alone asking her out. Good God.

 

Just me.

[CaptainPlanet]

I can tell you because I used to be painfully shy. I was lucky though it was only in highschool and I tell you I could not even talk to a girl, they would have to talk to me first. I worked in the back of a pizza shop with this girl I could hardly speak to her but I tell you I had a crush on her something shocking.

 

Now the reason I stopped being shy was because I started playing football I was lucky and I was at a good club and a lot of the older men there who run the show really looked out for a shy 18 y/o like I was. Now I just have to catch up on the decade of social skills I missed out on learning, halfway there I will crack jokes about it now but I count myself lucky.

 

Its crazy girls should ask out guys for sure. So many times I have sworn to god I knew a girl has liked me, she has told me friends she liked me ! but I have been unable to pull it off because I lack the necessary skills. Honestly even today I find I lack courage at the appropriate time, I just freeze and cannot act. This is taken as a sign of rejection. For gods sake girls if you like a guy tell him. We are all human and we all get rejected, we're just the same only in a different wrapper. Just ask men out we have to do it so return us the favour

[Batya33]

In my experience (dating the last 20 plus years, and currently with the late twenties and up set) men are flattered and/or relieved when a woman asks them out but the women they choose to be involved with long term are the women where they had to do more of the initiating, asking and calling in the beginning. I don't think it much matters who asks who out first but in the beginning stages of dating it is ineffective for the woman to do more of the calling, asking or planning if she wants something serious and long term. I would also advise against a woman asking the man out for a first date but that is not as much of an issue when it comes to effectiveness - as long as after that she leaves the ball in his court most of the time until they are regularly dating and there is no more "asking out" -it's assumed they'll see each other on a weekend, etc.

 

I know of only one healthy long term relationship (and only because it was so unusual, it made a major newspaper recently) where the woman did more of the calling, asking and planning in the beginning. I know of many flings and one date wonders (or two dates) that result from a woman doing more of the calling, asking and planning.

 

A woman being warm, friendly and approachable should be sufficient for an interested and available adult man (late 20s and up - not familiar with younger peoples' practices) to step up to the plate and ask her out for a date - either an evening, a walk, a drink, whatever.