Don_Eduardo

You assume too much. Girls don't "choose" someone because they are shy or they have a nice car, there are other factors involved... Look beyond the mirror of your self-concept... Your style of thinking becomes your reality... Believe in yourself, have confidence and girls will come flocking!

I think, ESPECIALLY SO with shy people, you have to differentiate between their intentions and their outwardly observable social mannerisms/behaviours. Many shy people have difficulty linking the two.. Example: you don't feel [or care about] the effects of dehydration until you are dehydrated. The point is, have more empathy with these people, step into their shoes, and you'll see that intentional rudeness is more of an anomaly than a commonality!

What sub-group of the human race do you refer to by "people"!!!? Australians? Wake up pal, everyone is different, with different interests. And lo! shyness is one of those LOL

Dude, the guy's worried about being around womens' company. Give him the chance to build himself up a bit more before introducing this [debatable] part.

Try not to worry about it so much. Things will turn out OK. Be positive - by all means keep the angst - but channel it more into your individuality and uniqueness; just let people know the lovely person that you are "A faithful heart makes wishes come true"

I love the death-stare!! I find it super-sexy! That being said however, I don't go out and get girls to do that to me deliberately. I just find it real cool when girls do a mock death-stare, it's such a funny and cute expression to make!

No, you're just fine the way you are

Why oh why does it have to be a game?!!? That just makes it sound like we're all players competing against each other. I prefer to look upon life as a co-operative process, and if that is what makes me be alone then 'so be it Jedi'.

YES!! I have this problem too!! I have an idea what it is, what I've found is that once I've gotten to know the girl more as time goes on, then phone conversations become more natural and free-flowing. That being said, there's nothing as natural and free-flowing as face to face conversation. Cos communicating involves HEAPS of non-verbal components too eh.

Hi, you sound like you really miss your friend's company. Try not to be sad about it. Be brave, things will work out. See if you can talk to her about what's bothering you about your friendship. Don't forget her. Good friendships take work and all have their ups and downs, but in the end you'll be more than satisfied that you've kept on with your friendship. Have faith in your friend and try not to get down on yourself.

Hi, it sounds as though you're really missing her. At the very least she sounds like a good friend to have. Best thing to do is respect her wishes and not pressure her into doing anything. Phone her up and talk about how you feel to her, but try not to dump all your feelings on her. You don't want to smother her. A good thing to remember is that she respects you and knows you respect her, like try not to think of your mutual respect as something that needs to be continually maintained. Also, don't assume that her actions (regarding her not hanging out with you so much) are necessarily a reflection of something you have done when you've been around her in the past. You might need to do some forgetting in order to do some remembering. What I mean is, the last thing you want to do is forget her right? So how about hanging out with some of your other friends for a while? And then, on those occasions when you do get to spend some time with her, you'll then be able to readily acknowledge that such time will be all the more special, and indeed, memorable. So when you reflect back on your time together, won't it be the quality rather than the quantity of your encounters that really matter in the end?

Hi, sounds like you're hurting pretty bad over this. Try not to take it to heart. Have you tried phoning him? Email and MSN are good but there's nothing like a good phone call to set things straight. When you do eventually reach him on the phone, by all means talk about where you think you may have scared him off, just don't suddenly lay it on the line. Approach the sensitive subject tactfully and respectfully, while also being mindful not to 'rob' him of any of his experience. In other words, don't change the focus of the subject by relating what he is saying back to yourself. Yes, by adding a personal flavour this is a good way for you to understand what he is saying, although it may be best just to keep these thoughts in the back of your mind to better allow the topic at hand run its course. However, don't pretend even for one second that by staying relatively neutral you're being altruistic, this is reconciliation here after all. Okay all the best. Hope all goes well with your friend.

About that 'right guy' hmmm. I'd be pretty envious if this dude came along alright, even tho she's just a friend. Actually there's lots of things about her that I'm envious of so it's probly more in line with that. These aren't even to do with dating, but more along the lines of having her life sorted out, having good people skills, having loads of hobbies she enjoys, having heaps of friends, good job prospects, etc. You get the picture. Her getting the 'right guy' would just be yet another addition to a long list of things she has that I don't currently have but wish to have (although for me it'd be the 'right girl' lol). Soon I won't be able to handle being even just her friend anymore cos she'd end up being a painful reminder of all the things I want but can't have. I.e it would be VERY hard for me to be around her when she's happily married, got kids, got a great job, owns a house in a rich suburb, has two cars and lots of nice furniture and trappings, etc. Cos for me it seems like that stuff's never going to happen, basically due to my shy nature and lack of confidence and people skills. It's like she's got it all going for her, and I've got nothing and that just makes me feel real angry and depressed at the way things have turned out. So if it's her that sets that off in me, I'm just going to have to cope being fully alone again, because no hope = no fear.

Actually, yeah as time goes by the friends option becomes more and more natural. It WOULD be like dating my sister, so yeah I'm happy with being friends. Earlier on (like last year), no I was way too scared 2 ask her out! Actually I do remember her putting on the table quite early on in our friendship that she 'doesn't date', so this is a pretty good indication, is it not!!? And as far as I know she still doesn't date, like she said to me recently she simply wants to wait for 'the right guy to come along', so I could take that as a hint that I'm not the 'right guy'. Yeah by all accounts and indications and impressions she gives off she's a friend, which is great, I like having her as a friend.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. Okay let me break it down. I met a girl at university like 1 + 1/2 years ago and we've been good friends since then. The thing is, I've always been kind of attracted to her but I've never told her this! I mean, I've had girls as friends before, but I must admit I have feelings for this girl who's become a good friend of mine. With girls I've had as mates before (and other girls I currently have as mates), I've never had anything like these kinds of feelings! However, I've never had a girlfriend before and just don't know where to put these feelings, and maybe because of that her friendship has easily been the best I've had with a girl (the other girls I've had and have as mates I just haven't felt attracted to for whatever reason). I'm confused after reading these posts! I'm not sure if I like her as more-than-a-friend or as just-a-friend, most likely because of the relative lack of experience with the opposite sex. I can't tell her because I just couldn't face the possibility of losing her as a friend, as she is a very unique individual. She has offered me a great deal of moral and emotional support through some tough patches, and I think it's because of this that has made me feel so much more attached to her than with other girls I've known. On the one hand, she'd be the only girl I've ever known that I can actually visualize having a relationship with because I get on so well with her, I'm quite similar intellectually and personality-wise to her, I'm fully comfortable in her company like I've known her for way longer than I actually have (something I have with very, very few other people), there's no uncomfortable silences when we're in each other's company, we both always have something interesting to talk about, we have mutual respect for each other, we're emotionally compatible, she makes me laugh with her wicked sense of humour, she is very charming and pretty, she makes me feel good, etc. On the other hand, whenever I'm actually in her presense, I don't think of her in romantic terms AT ALL! (I don't get the chance really, as she's such a chatterbox!) What I do do is that I fully act myself like I'm in the company of a very close friend or family member. I'm not shy around her AT ALL (like as in if I thought of her in a romantic/sexual sense). What's more she doesn't flirt with me or anything like that (although it is kind of hard to tell, because she is naturally charming and smiling and is a master of the art of giving compliments), she never touches me (although I never touch her either, I'm real sensitve to other people touching me), plus she always finds an opportunity to tease me in a good-natured way (I don't with her because I find doing it naturally in well-intentioned way is nigh on impossible; I don't want to upset her as she is very egotistical and bossy!) I'm just confused because I do have a lot of feelings toward her and can imagine these feelings acting either as the basis for a loving and intimate relationship or a solid, life-long friendship. The problem is are these mutually exclusive in our case? Because the impressions I get from her is that she just wants to be friends, albeit good life-long friends. And I want to have the same thing too, which is absolutely magnificent, but there always pops up time and again that niggling doubt at the back of my mind "maybe this could be more?". She's single too (and never had a boyfriend, even though she is a similar age to me), but it's just that if she does get a boyfriend, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be quite jealous (although, only because of what I presume I won't possess myself: a loving and intimate and sexual partner). Please help, should I tell her my feelings and risk losing her friendship, and so move on (whether with her as her boyfriend or as one of her friends, or the worst case scenario: without her company at all)? Or should I let things stay the way they are, pure and unadulterated and blissful? Thanks.

Thanks for all those tips Helo. I guess know what you're saying already as I've read basic variants of them on other websites. Okay so what you're saying is you let them know straight out you're interested in them romantically, and from that foundation get to know them (not as regular friends, but romantic friends, right?). Okay that makes sense to me, as girls would at least expect to know where they stand. Suddenly expressing romantic interest in them after a friendship period may startle them (especially if they sense the friendship period was a deliberate ploy to get to that confession of romantic expression stage). Okay I get all that, and understand it now. My problem I think is having the confidence to express a romantic interest 'straight off the bat' as you say. It's a social skills thing with me, like when I'm in a social situation with girls who are pretty much strangers (or anyone I don't know very well, for that matter), the last thing on my mind is cracking on to them! I'm barely hanging in there as it is, because my social skills aren't very good. Like on top of never having a girlfriend, I've never been able to make friends very well. Like the girls who are my friends now were primarily responsible for my current friendships with them. In other words, I didn't make the first move - or take the initiative - to cause the friendships I have now with them, they were the ones who definetely did that! They smiled, came over to chat, asked me about myself, etc. so I reciprocated, and woow it's cool to have them as friends to say the least. So you see where I'm heading with this? By the time I'm in friendly conversational proximity to people, I'm so clammed up that I'm basically on auto-pilot! Much of any ensuing conversation's lifespan would owe itself most directly to them, not me. On the other hand, if it is the case that I'm friends with that person or people (or feel comfortable around them due to an acquaintance-style familiarity), then I can talk and talk for ages!! You see what I mean then, about being friends first to feel the confidence enough to ask the romantic type of questions/act flirtatiously? However, by the time I'm friends I don't really feel about them that way (like you said, we didn't start off our association based upon a sexual/flirting manner), and am simply happy keeping them as friends! It's becomes like a catch-22 scenario then, I don't have the confidence to flirt unless we're friends or good acquaintances first but such relating-in-a-sexual-manner behaviour loses its power once the 'cage' of friendship closes around us. Although 'cage' probably has too many negative connotations regarding what I'm trying to illustrate, because I feel highly confident whenever I'm around my friends and good acquaintances - basically, I act like a friend and in NO WAY act as a sexual dude. The problem is (probably due to lack of confidence in a social situation then), that I have no idea what to say to express my interest in them in a flirtatious or sexual manner! The conversation is stuttering like an old muffler so that to consider flirting would be ludicrous, you know!? That's why if I laid some flirtatious comment on the line it would come out all wrong, I believe. Far out, this whole thing it's like a chasm that I can't see the other side of. It's like I can't begin to imagine what having a girlfriend would be like, so similarly, it's like I can't begin to imagine what I need to say in order to attract one. Okay I know about a line such as this 'you look pretty in that shirt, haircut, shoes, etc.' But that's about it! Flirting with girls seems like such a foreign concept, and teasing them about something in a confident manner even more so! If I even felt compelled to say something (and actually said it), it would be the line above, something teasing is like a whole other ballgame. HOWEVER, I do know the concept of attracting women in this way as I've seen it happen right in front of my very eyes so very often (at parties, flatmates getting with flatmates, etc.). So I don't need to know what it is or why it has the effect it does, what I do need (and desperately) is how to put it into practice and having the confidence to act as the spark.

You may not call yourselves players, Diggity and Heloladies, which is fair enough, I hear where you're coming from. To me though, attracting women just seems too much like a game. I guess I'm an idealist at heart, and I'm like 'why does it have to be this way?' You know? It's a pretty frustrating business to say the least. Like right now I'm doing some voluntary work (at a phone helpline) with 3 women. And I'm the only guy. It's a shift of 3 hours long and we're all waiting for calls to come in (it's not busy for some reason, halloween night perhaps..). Anyway the women are all chatting away to each other (or bonding, if you like) in the other room and I'm in the computer room reading these posts... Honestly, the last thing on my mind is to bowl up to one of them and go 'would you like to have a coffee with me, etc., etc.?' It would just feel so unnatural. I would indeed feel like a predator/creep doing that. I have an issue with what Heloladies says in that he would only flirt with a woman whom he'd be prepared to have as a g/f. But how does he know her enough from simple flirting if he'd like to have her as a g/f? Like I wouldn't want any of these girls I'm working with as a g/f simply because I don't them well enough. I don't see what's wrong with making friends with a woman first, because, for me, that's how I'd figure out if she was compatible with me or not. So DiggityDogg likening making friends with women first as 'slinking under the radar' is vaguely offensive, as making friends with women is a sure way to get to know them. What's wrong with having women as friends anyway? I've got some great friendships with women (although I did consider at one stage having them as girlfriend material). I just think some women are better having as friends, especially the ones who's friendships I consider special enough to be lifelong. So thinking about that, this is probably why I don't feel the compunction to go up to a relatively unknown girl and ask her out. I DON'T KNOW HER. In the end isn't it the personality that people that people relate with not the exterior? The comfort factor. As in if we were friends first, I'd be comfortable enough to ask them out, although the flipside of that coin is the 'rules of female attrraction' which usually equates to friendship is all it's ever going to be! Which isn't bad in of itself, but if I was looking for a sexual relationship, then I'm going about it in the wrong way right?

I'm in total agreement with Doubleg on this topic of meeting women. I'm in a similar boat as him, I've never had a girlfriend (or a kiss, even) and am almost 30. Like I've really reached the point in my life that I'm thinking, 'maybe there's something I'm not doing right' when it comes to capturing the female essense as part and parcel of having a loving and intimate relationship with a woman (or having a girlfriend, if you will). Like I've got several girl mates and I guarantee you they'd think 'Where'd my friend Bruce [my real name] go?', if I suddenly applied some kind of player/attracting women for sex/mystery method strategy to them!! These girl mates of mine would easily be the best friends I've had; in all likelihood my friendships with them would not now be nearly of the same quality if i had initially approached them with the intention to bed them. What I did do was approach them as people, and that's how I relate to them (albeit people with slightly different bodily contours). The point is, I've attracted these girls as friends in 'a nice guy' manner; to them, I'm simply not the 'player' type. Thus, the implication of all this is that one indeed has to change one's personality somewhat to attract women, at least if one desires to go beyond the 'friends' stage anyway. If this is so, then, the problem becomes more of a conformity one. Does one wish to degrade themselves to conform to the lowest common denominator of maleness, the 'player' stereotype? Well, if that guy wants sex (and not just 'quality female friends'), then yes!! However, I believe it is a balance. The 'nice guy' archetype is not without its flaws but neither is the 'player' personality. Towards the extremes, the 'nice guy' requires some of the initiative, the bravado, the machismo, and definetely the confidence of the 'player'. However, I believe the 'player' needs to learn from the 'nice guy' better-honed definitions of respect, consideration, and gentlemanly conduct as these apply to treating women; at the very lest, he needs to quell his arrogance.