Does relationship mean you are tied to each other in everything?

[renaissancewoman101]

Shikashika's thread about her bf dumping her for going on a trip by herself, made me think. When in a relationship, do most people travel together, make decisions together, etc??? When I was dating my ex, I traveled a lot by myself (or with my best friend, or for work). My ex rarely traveled with me because he couldn't afford it or couldnt get the time off.

 

One day I was talking to a co-worker and she told me that when I do find a serious relationship, I am going to have to give up traveling on the fly or traveling by myself. I am also going to have to consult my "partner" when it comes to making sizable purchases (even if it is my money). Is that true? when you get married or get into a committed relationship, everything is shared, decisions are all shared, etc.

 

My parents have been married for over 33 years and they do most things separately. Although big decisions like buying/selling property, buying a car, etc., they consult each other, but most things they make the decision alone (esp if it involves their own money). My parents have a joint credit card and then a card each in their own name. My mom was just on a trip to Hong Kong and she bought an expensive piece of jewelry. She never consulted my dad about it, but she did show it to him when she came back. She paid for it with her own money. My co-worker told me that that doesnt work in most marriages, that all the money is pooled together in a common pot and most bigger money decisions have to be decided jointly.

 

My mom is like me, she likes to travel on the fly. SHe will take trips to see her family and friends and not consult my dad about it, except to give him notification that she will be gone for a few weeks. He doesnt complain. I would be very put out if I had to consult with my SO every time I wanted to travel. I dont mind traveling with someone else, but a lot of times, I like to travel alone.

 

If it is the case, that being in a relationship, that one has to share EVERYTHING, then I can see why a relationship/marriage could be restrictive and why people are so afraid of it.

[RayKay]

I think when you are in a committed relationship, you make decisions at least in consideration and consultation with your partner. My partner and I both do things separately, like trips and small purchases and so on, but I honestly cannot even imagine why I would not even discuss with him I was planning on going away, or he either...we love one another and care about one another, and want to keep one another in the loop and communicate. If we had kids I sure could not just take off without notice, and I don't see it any different even though we don't that we would not let one another know before we made plans, in case there was something else we forgot about, or there were concerns.

 

But, I would also hope that if you have a good partnership you are supportive of one anothers goals, pursuits and find ways to make things work, even if does mean with alterations.

 

When it comes to making big financial decisions, yes, it is something you should discuss because even if you earned it, it is still something that affects the family funds...what if you spend $2,000 on new shoes, when the roof needs repair, or an emergency comes up for example?

 

Now that being said, I think it is still important to maintain some separate funds and so forth, for credit reasons but also emergency funds, and the joint account is for shared expenses.

 

We also have separate identities, hobbies, goals, work and social lives....but that does not mean we also make big decisions that DO affect our partner without discussing them. Big example is when I went back to school, I talked with him about it, because it WOULD place big changes on our relationship in terms of our finances, my payments towards mortgage, our time together, my flexibility to go away on trips and so on. I would never have just DONE it without consultation.

 

I have NEVER seen that as a burden though, in fact it's great to have that sense of partnership and teamwork, and mutual support in life.

[NJRon]

I totally agree with RayKay's answer. In a commited relationship, while each person's money and time are their own, consideration should be shown. While both parties are responsible for their own decisions, decisions that affect both parties, whether directly or indirectly, should be discussed... whether it is concerning money, vacation, activities... whatever.

 

Mutual agreement is my motto.

 

EDIT: For those things that *don't* affect your partner.. buting things with your *own* money... taking the day off, etc... no... that's you. But it should still be shared. I don't see anything out of the ordinary by what your mom did.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do agree that consideration should be given to each other in the relationship, but that most big decisions should be discussed jointly. I guess, in some ways, my parents have a strange relationship. When my mom goes on vacation, she will just go and not leave contact information for my dad. She does leave contact information with me or my brother. Just a few months ago when my mom was in Hong Kong, my dad called me looking for a number to contact her since he needed her permission for something. My mom likes to keep her life separate from my dad. My dad likes to include my mom, but she doesnt like it.

 

I guess to each his/her own.

[NJRon]

Couples are different...

[Beec]

If I was told by my woman or told my woman that we could never travel alone that just would not work. I don't always want to go when and where she wants to go. She does not always want to go when and where I go. Sometimes, we don't want the other person coming along. I went to Vegas for a fantasy football draft, which was me out drinking with the guys who are in it. She went to see family the same weekend, at a pplace and time I was happy to not be with her. It was great that we both got to and do what we wanted to do.

 

We both consult with each other before we go, but we both have and give each other some freedom. We just talk about where and when we are going to go, and sometimes one or the other of us is off. We also both have to travel alone for business many times. She went to Europe this week, and I had to work here. Next week, I am away, while she is working here. I do have issues with business travel sometimes when she does not tell me when she is going until the last minute, but she is getting better at it.

 

The amount you each travel on your own, and amount you consult with each other is up to you and whatever guy you are with.

[brando]

I think you still need to keep a sense of self even if married. DO your own thing whenever you can.

 

If you are not keeping yourself happy, your partner isn't going to either.

[rose2summer]

Unless I was married, I sure wouldn't have any joint accounts.

 

What happens if you break up and head your own ways, it's nice to be independent in some ways.

 

I agree with brando that you should have some independence in your lives, have some of your own hobbies, interests, take some of your own trips, when you are married, it's more permanent, at least I would like to think, so then you can arrange things together.

 

But until then, enjoy your time to yourself, you don't get it forever.

 

Hugs, Rose

[markfromark]

in my previous marriage we did everything toghether, all the time. My current girlfriend is very independent and plans on going on a trip by herself next year. When she told me that, I felt really weird because I think that the precious vacation time that we have should be spent together but I understand that this is not always possible. I would say that if someone would consistenly spent vacation time by him/herself then this person just does not enjoy being with his/her partner.

Maintaining a certain degree of independance is important though, I have to learn that again.

[Batya33]

It's what works for the couple. What works for us (we are dating, do not live together) is to talk at least once a day, share at least the important things we've done that day including decisions and we don't make weekend plans without checking in with each other. I will make independent plans on the nights I know he is not available (because of work or other social plans) but often I will check with him on weekday nights when he might be free before making other plans. We travel separately for business but together for vacation/holidays.

[annie24]

well, I'm not married. I'll just start off there. but I think everyone is different and every relationship is different. it sounds a bit unorthodox that your mom takes off without giving your dad her contact info, but if it has been working for them for 33 years, sounds good. to each their own. I know some couples with some very unorthodox living arrangements, etc... but they can make it work for them, and that is all that is important.

[Momene]

Both my wife and I wouldn't feel happy/comfortable if the other took off for a vacation "on the fly". We've only ever had vacations once each without each other. The first time I was in Argentina on business and I visited my wife's family in Chile as I was "next door". My wife couldn't come as it was term-time for our daughter. She and my daughter both travelled there one summer as I had to stay here and work.

 

As for finances, we don't have independent "splash" money because we're very short of money generally. There isn't enough of "our" money to allow for "his" and "hers".

 

I'd say we are both quite clingy but not obsessively so. Having a daughter restricts us more than anything but then she's a real treasure.

[annie24]

Another thing I was thinking.... ren, I don't think your parents started off this way. as you said, they have been together for 33 years, and relationships grow and evolve over time. maybe over those 33 years, they have obtained a certain sense of... either trust or ambivalence.... towards one another. Either they don't care where the other goes, or they trust each other enough and are secure enough in the relationship that they don't need to know where the other is at all times.

[renaissancewoman101]

My parents don't really have that great of a marriage. I know my dad does love my mom, but I think my mom lost her love for my dad a long time ago. She has told me that she doesnt love my dad anymore, and she spends a lot of time avoiding him. She wanted to divorce my dad about 15 years ago, but she didnt because my grandma didnt approve of it and she didnt want to look bad.

 

I know my dad still loves her, because he still brings her gifts when he goes on his trips. She has also told me that he is affectionate with her, but she pushes him away because she hates that stuff.

 

My parents relationship scares me a lot. It is the type of marriage I DONT want.

[annie24]

i think it's hard. people change so much over the course of 20 years, you never know if they will be the same, or if you will be the same 20 years from now. I know a woman who told me just that. she said that her husband is NOT the man she married 20 years ago, and she isn't the woman she was 20 years ago either. but, luckily they evolved together.

 

i am sorry your parents don't sound happier.

 

I don't think you can ever really know. my mom always said that "marriage is a lottery." now, I do think you can do things to tip the scales in your favor, but who knows what your partner will be like 33 years from now?

[MollyElise]

It all depends on the people involved and everything around them. What matters is finding someone who has similiar views to yourself on this and other relationship topics.

 

My husband and I were married in June, I'm going home for Thanksgiving, he's staying here. Lots of reasons go into it, and some of my friends have balked at the idea, but it works for us. It's three weeks away now and I'm just starting to think about how much I will miss him!!!

[Momene]

i think it's hard. people change so much over the course of 20 years, you never know if they will be the same, or if you will be the same 20 years from now. I know a woman who told me just that. she said that her husband is NOT the man she married 20 years ago, and she isn't the woman she was 20 years ago either. but, luckily they evolved together.

 

i am sorry your parents don't sound happier.

 

I don't think you can ever really know. my mom always said that "marriage is a lottery." now, I do think you can do things to tip the scales in your favor, but who knows what your partner will be like 33 years from now?

 

 

We've been married 17 years. We've drifted apart and together again because life forces a lot of changes on you; many of them unwelcome.