Why is dating so much like a game....

[renaissancewoman101]

of push and pull. If you are into him, don't let him know. Don't push, be aloof. Show him you care though. But have a life. Be yourself. But dont give up too much of yourself. Be nice, but not TOO nice, etc., etc.

 

When can we let down our guard and just be ourselves and yet still get the guy we want? I recently started to hang out with someone from my clinical. He does work in a 4th grade class while I work with the kinderkiddies. We eat lunch together twice a week (when we are at the school). We have gone out on ONE date. There is a potential date for this weekend. I havent finalized that yet. I like him a lot. He seems to like me. I want this to work out and would like him to be my bf, if that was possible. I want to hang out with him after our clinicals on Mon and Wed. He hasnt asked about it. I've dropped hints. I was advised to back off and let him lead. So, I am. But it's hard.

 

Why is dating so much like a freaking game????? When can we finally let down our guard and do what we want, w/o chasing the poor guy away? Or is it always going to be one who plays the aloof one so the other one chases?

[Jayar]

The "game" is courtship. It's natural and done by every species (though lazy guys will disagree and tell me to get into this century, the fact still remains... You don't want a lazy guy).

 

The courtship phase ends around about the time he ASKS YOU to be exclusive with him because he's testing the waters for long-term/marriage. And he MUST ask you. Otherwise you lose the game (or, odds are you will in time lose the game even if it looks like you're winning temporarily).

 

Good luck!

[renaissancewoman101]

It's sad that it always HAS to be the guy who asks you and sets the pace of the relationship/dating. Why are us women always relegated to second place when it comes to the ancient art of dating? I like this guy and want it to work out. All this "courtship" while fun and exhilarting, is also taxing on the mind and the soul. Sometimes, I wish I could just jump the dating thing and establish a relationship. That would give me a sense of stability and less uncertainty. I HATE uncertainty, because it creates the stage for failure to occur.

[chai714]

If I could summarize why games are played throughout dating and life, I would say it involves a lot of psychology, manipulation of human emotions, and knowledge of human nature.

 

Would life be easier if we all wore signs that said, "I like you" or "I don't like you," sure it would. But that's not how we operate. We operate on emotions most of the time. The basic principle of knowing how to make someone feel a certain way, at a certain time (call it manipulation if you want) is useful knowledge.

[Dako]

I wish I could just jump the dating thing and establish a relationship. That would give me a sense of stability and less uncertainty. I HATE uncertainty, because it creates the stage for failure to occur.

 

So you meet a guy, and he tells you, "Hey, let's skip all this getting to know each other and seeing if we fit. Let's jump right into an emotional relationship." That would make you feel safer?

Would scare the whiz outta me!

[shikashika]

its is a game!! people say "i don't like games" but they continue to chase after people because it gives them that thrill or spark!

 

just the way it is!

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm not sure why you have to wait for him to do all the asking, to be honest. I know, I *know* that there are loads of rules about this - but I don't know, I don't always feel like following the rules. Still a rebel inside, I guess

 

I suppose, Renaissance Woman, it's getting the balance right. But I wouldn't be too passive either, and sit back for him to do all the work. Flirting is always good to get a response, and being generally inviting and upbeat and all that. Rather than serious and wanting to get on down.

 

So what are you up to with him this weekend? See, you do have a date sorted!! I would confirm that with him today/tomorrow, because you're a busy woman with a busy life, and you like him.

 

Good luck - he sounds nice!

[LostInMyThoughts]

So you meet a guy, and he tells you, "Hey, let's skip all this getting to know each other and seeing if we fit. Let's jump right into an emotional relationship." That would make you feel safer?

Would scare the whiz outta me!

 

Especially if it was a guy asking me that.

[renaissancewoman101]

Dako, I just wished that "dating" was more defined and women could make more of the moves instead of being the ones waiting in the holding pattern, waiting for the guy to bust the move, show the interest, etc. All this uncertainty, this testing, pulling, pushing, aloofness, this game playing, is fun and exhilarating, YEP . We are getting to know each other but in a way we are dancing the very precise steps of a minuet, in a masked ball, where we have "masks" on. The dating/mating/getting to know each other process is a "game" where everybody practices their best moves and sees if we can dance together or not, or if we are klutz, etc.

 

I guess I am going off on a tangent, but for all the games we play, the courtship, the pushing and pulling, etc., when it comes to the end of the day, the end of the dance, the guy can decide this is NOT it, and walk off the dance floor. You are left with your mask off, tears streaming down your face. Another failed potential relationship.

 

That's tough to deal with.

 

I like the getting to know each other period, but if it leads nowhere, that HURTS!!!!

[Scout]

We have gone out on ONE date. There is a potential date for this weekend. I havent finalized that yet. I like him a lot. He seems to like me. I want this to work out and would like him to be my bf, if that was possible.

 

You've had one date. You already have surmised you want him to be your boyfriend.

 

Do you not think there is something telling about that statement? It has nothing to do with an external "game." It has everything to do with how you are approaching relationships.

 

This is not meant to be critical. It's meant to help you approach dating from a more patient, realistic standpoint.

[Dako]

I can assure you, the woman has the option of leaving a man in tears.

[itsallgrand]

Call and confirm the date!! lol.

 

Deep breath, ren. Yeah, dating is scary as hell sometimes, but 'serious' relationships are too. It NEVER ends. lol.

 

I think there is a balance between letting your guard down, being yourself, and meanwhile keeping into consideration the level of the relationship. It's delicate, I haven't figured it all out perfectly either, but somehow we manage to make connections through all the guesswork and gauging.

 

Good luck with this man. Sounds promising and nice.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It's sad that it always HAS to be the guy who asks you and sets the pace of the relationship/dating. Why are us women always relegated to second place when it comes to the ancient art of dating? I like this guy and want it to work out. All this "courtship" while fun and exhilarting, is also taxing on the mind and the soul. Sometimes, I wish I could just jump the dating thing and establish a relationship. That would give me a sense of stability and less uncertainty. I HATE uncertainty, because it creates the stage for failure to occur.

 

Thats not true at all.

 

I had two dates this past weekend (two different women), and both were because the women decided to move ahead and ask me out.

 

After the dates, both suggested the next date. That was fine with me.

 

Some men might think thats forward; not me, I like women who take initiative.

 

But I understand what you are saying. I think though it's not really the fault of dating. Perhaps it's because your moving ahead of yourself--you've already figured out that you want things to work out. Whether or not it's wrong, I don't know. I do know that if you approach it as being a 50-50 shot, and a no-lose situation, it might lesson the anxiety.

 

Certainly you don't want to show how much you like this person too soon, because it gives off all sorts of negative emotions.

 

Stay centered, it'll happen. If it doesn't it's not a loss.

[LostInMyThoughts]

You've had one date. You already have surmised you want him to be your boyfriend.

 

Do you not think there is something telling about that statement? It has nothing to do with an external "game." It has everything to do with how you are approaching relationships.

 

This is not meant to be critical. It's meant to help you approach dating from a more patient, realistic standpoint.

 

Scout is so on the money with this one.

[arwen]

So you meet a guy, and he tells you, "Hey, let's skip all this getting to know each other and seeing if we fit. Let's jump right into an emotional relationship." That would make you feel safer?

Would scare the whiz outta me!

 

Well, in fact I think the whole concept of directly calling it DATING is the cause of the problem. I never dated the way I understand american dating, I think. It may be a bit of a cultural difference, but the result is also that I surely don't recognize the many situations I read here about game playing, and pretending to be aloof, waiting to call for a certain number of days. I really don't get why that should be preferred. In most cases, I just got to know the guy, more or less by accident. Then we talk, and it appears we have a connection. we hang out (not calling that a date probably got the pressure off that may lead to games), and sometimes it just meant friendship, other times it soon started to become more.

 

I never had an 'let's be exclusive talk' either. Once you meet someone, get to know each other, and it's clear that it's more than friendship, intimacy (from kissing to whichever level you take it) is the next step and exclusivity is implied from that moment on. Seriously, it is really uncommon here to establish more than one relationship at the time. But that may also be because a relationship is not expected once you start doing things together with someone. I don't know, I'd have to live in the USA for a while to see how it is, because it really makes me curious!

 

What I am trying to say is that I find it hard to believe that humans in general have a biology to do so. Cultures are VERY different with respect to the way people find mates.

 

I think the term dating leads to a certain expectation that really creates more pressure than necessary. At first, why not just hang out without that expectation?

 

But RW, also IN a relationship there are always uncertainties. They are just OTHER uncertainties.

 

Ilse

[Dako]

Ren, I think hanging out with this guy is where you'll find safety. As you see how he behaves, you'll see if he's worth trusting with your heart. It's a natural progression.

 

The way Ilse describes forming a relationship mirrors my experiences.

 

I'm kind of put off by this notion of a series of interviews called dating.

I know my opinions are strange, but what dating I've done really sucked, and the real relationships grew organically from friendship. Call me a romantic fool, but interviewing a series of applicants seems to take the magic out of it. When I read the lists of requirements people post here, I recall how anyone I fell for redefined what was possible.

 

Maybe in the US, it's just the pervasiveness of "more is better."

[Scout]

The courtship phase ends around about the time he ASKS YOU to be exclusive with him because he's testing the waters for long-term/marriage. And he MUST ask you. Otherwise you lose the game (or, odds are you will in time lose the game even if it looks like you're winning temporarily).

 

Jayar, why do you think the man must be the one to ask to be exclusive?

 

In fact, why do you think there even must be actual words said to confirm exclusivity? If someone is spending regular time with you, telling you they care about you, are calling when they say they will, and appear to be dating no one else...or even eventually tell you they love you...why must there be a "talk" saying you are exclusive?

 

I tend to give more credence to actions than I do to words.

 

But, I'm honestly interested in your opinion. My questions aren't meant to be rhetorical.

[renaissancewoman101]

Scout, I have had ONE date with him, but I have been eating lunch with him twice a week for the past 3 weeks. He is a third year teaching student who is doing his last clinical at the school. He works in the 4th grade class. I work with kindergarteners. So, I do kinda know him.

 

And yes, I approach relationships with an all or nothing kind of deal. I dont like to date and then have it go nowhere, because that is a waste of time and a waste of my feelings and emotions. I have a hard time finding a middle point in things. I tend to look at things in a black or white fashion, although lately, I have tried to be less of all or nothing and try to look at things as taking it for what it's worth now, the present, instead of what it CAN be.

 

As for women leaving a man in tears, that's NEVER happened to me. Men have ALWAYS left me in tears.

 

These past few months, I have made a lot of progress in my healing and I still am making progress. Part of me thinks that finding a bf will be the crowning achievement of my progress and prove to myself that I have turned my life around.

 

Itsallgrand, I am going to finalize the date today. He wants to do something Sat night so I am probably going to go for it. He wants to go to a haunted house, something I really enjoy doing.

[keefy1972]

Doesn't lunch qualify as a date?? Maybe not in the typical sense of the word, but you two were in an environment where you were getting to know one another, yes?

[renaissancewoman101]

LostInMyThoughts, I am not putting ALL my feelings out there. I have wanted to hang out with him after school is done on Mon and Wed. I dropped a hint about it on Wed, but he didnt say anything. Part of me wants to just outright ask him about it, but after talking to some friends, I am going to play the aloof one and wait for him to ask me about hanging out after school.

 

This is just so hard. You want things to turn out well, and yet things move so SLOWLY!!!! Someone once told me that I tend to look at things as if he will like me, but how about "if he is going to meet my standards". I need to keep that in mind, that dating is also ME seeing if he is GOOD for me, not just vice versa. I just tend to get desperate and want a guy in my life and look at life as if he is into me, I will adjust to fit him.

 

That is not a good way to think.

[rocio]

Why are you in such a hurry? It's fun to get to know a guy slowly, bit by bit. It's like a sexy lapdance that just goes on and on. And it leads to a much more solid and healthy relationship.

 

Also, you're right: It's not good to adjust yourself to fit him. You are sabotaging yourself without even knowing it. When he sees what you are doing, he will become turned off.

 

My advice: Date some other guys in the meantime. Takes the pressure off.

[Jayar]

I never had an 'let's be exclusive talk' either. Once you meet someone, get to know each other, and it's clear that it's more than friendship, intimacy (from kissing to whichever level you take it) is the next step and exclusivity is implied from that moment on.

 

This assumption has broken more hearts than you can even imagine! Exclusivity is NOT implied until he has told you he can't see himself with anyone but you... Then you graciously accept (and probably in secret breathe a sigh of relief and happiness).

 

Don't assume exclusivity. Don't ask for exclusivity. Let him choose you. That maximises your chances of NOT ending up in the break-up or cheating forums.

[LostInMyThoughts]

RW I really feel for you. I know how you feel. I feel the same way when it comes to making things move faster. It sucks, but I guess you gotta just work through the pain.

[Dako]

Don't assume exclusivity. Don't ask for exclusivity. Let him choose you. That maximises your chances of NOT ending up in the break-up or cheating forums.

 

Me man...me choose. Woman no speak!

Silence!

[shellshocked]

I've been on both sides of the fence and find

that my heart has been broken much HARDER by women than

my men. (maybe when i was figuring everything out i just wasn't

as emotionally connected with men as i've been with women *shrug*)

 

But ren, I understand how you feel about playing these games.

I hate them too, but they DO always seem to be there.

 

There's a saying that students of human behavior have found, that universally holds true in any relationship, whether between individuals or between groups. The saying is: "He who cares the least, controls the relationship."

 

Sad....but I believe true.