Why are you friends with your ex?

[Aschleigh]

Please be honest with me. I am trying to gain perspective on my boyfriend who is very close friends with his ex.

I have the opposite policy as he does. I pretty much cut off contact. I've been in some bad relationships so it was easiest to stop talking to the ex and not have them in my life.

 

My BF dated a girl for 3 and half years, broke up with her but remained friends. But kept seeing her and having sex with her. Then dated another girl and took a brake from the ex for a couple of months. Got dumped by new girlfriend and went back to seeing and having sex with the first ex, then met me. Stopped having sex with the ex but still talks to her weekly. Although doesn't see her anymore more becuase they live in different states.

 

I am not even close to getting it.

Guys what's in it for you to remain friends with the ex?

Does this change with your age, like when you were 20 you felt different than when you are 30? Does it matter if the ex is in some trouble and constantly needy? What about setting boundries in your life? Guy what do you think is an appropriate boundry to set with your exes? Have you done it or do you have a tendency to let there be no or little boundries? What is with being friends with an ex?

[teacup]

im female. but i would say they still have feelings for each other. one of those messy relationships that are on-off-on-off-on-off.

 

make a run for it!

[byates5637]

Me and my ex keep switching between a month or so of NC back to being friends.

 

The only reason i want to be friends with her is because i hope that it may lead to us getting back together.

[chai714]

Guys what's in it for you to remain friends with the ex?

Does this change with your age, like when you were 20 you felt different than when you are 30? Does it matter if the ex is in some trouble and constantly needy? What about setting boundries in your life? Guy what do you think is an appropriate boundry to set with your exes? Have you done it or do you have a tendency to let there be no or little boundries? What is with being friends with an ex?

 

I can't speak for most men, but I can say that if I were in contact with my ex still, there would be a purpose and that purpose would not to be "just friends." I recently set a boundary since my ex had been contacting me even though she had a boyfriend. The boundary went like this in an email message she probably never expected: "... I think you should never call, text, email, etc and I will do the same. Even though we hardly chat, it's better we make this a permanent, forever sort of thing. If you see me in public, no need for a "hi" or anything."

 

She had broken up with me and I had wanted her back. I however, came to a point that I no longer desired any part of her so I let her know. So, I set my boundary and am living with it. Now when I'm on a date or hanging with a woman, it's a lot more comforting knowing she won't be calling . . or so I hope.

[annie24]

I think if you feel that they are too close, you may be right. Ask him why he is still close to his ex? A lot of guys (not all!) are friends with the ex as a backup plan, or are hoping to get back with her at some point in the future.

 

Some people are friends with exes because they have children together, or a very long history, or they are co-workers, or share too many mutual friends.

 

If he doesn't fall into these categories, maybe you should have a talk with him.

[DN]

I understand that people view friendships with exes askance and that makes sense in most cases. But there are people who can be good friends with an ex and reading your post makes me think that may be the case here. They were partners, split and when they had broken up with the new partners became friends with benefits. But as soon as he started going out with you they stopped having sex and resumed a friendship only relationship.

 

If you broke up with him they might well have a friends with benefits relationship again but I doubt it would ever be anything more and I would imagine it would end if either of them got a new partner.

 

You can care very much for someone and like their company but if the romance spark isn't there then sex is just a release for them and no more than that.

[Dako]

I'm friends with my ex to the point that after the divorce is final, I might even put her in my will. I know she has a guy now, and I approve. She has some medical problems that worry me, and I've offered to help in any way possible. When we get together, we call each other later and thank each other for a good time.

I don't want her anymore in the slightest, but after a few decades, you build lots of things that last, even if the marriage is toast. And no, there's no sexual tension at all.

 

I'm sure to a young person this sounds friggin impossible, but it's pretty cool to not be all jammed up with bitterness.

[annie24]

Not me dude! When I die, everything goes to the cat!

[jabele]

My ex doesn't want to be friends although I'd like to because he claims it would be too difficult for him since he still has feeligns for me..

 

I wish we could be friends though...

[nottoogreen]

I have similar experience.

 

Ex and me friends with excellent sexlife but not in love. She met guys she not liked and came back to me in between and me likewise.

 

It is a bit of a problem (even if there is no cheating) because this convenient fallback affects new relationships adversely.

 

As to you bf, talk to him about what bothers you. Understand each others feelings. You have to work it out together for sure.

 

Read my sig

[Aschleigh]

Oh we've talked and talked. He's not terribly articulate about why he must maintain this relationship with his ex. I've told him it has negative consequences in our relationship. He's not big on setting boundries. I am very big on NOT remianing silent when things bother me.

Ultimatley it's not my mess to clean up. His relationship with his ex is messy and I hope he does what it takes to clean it up and get through it. And in doing so makes himself totally available for a new relationship to develope.

Until then I can only love and accept him for who he is and keep at least one eye out for relationships with men who don't have problematic exes in the picture.

[annie24]

There's a good saying - "Good fences make good neighbors."

 

His staying in this situation with his ex is clearly straining your relationship. I am a big fan of not staying friends with exes unless absolutely necessary! (ie, work, and then I prefer to be friendly acquaintances, not friends).

 

If he's not going to respect your wishes, you are right, maybe better to find a guy without the baggage of the ex.

[Belle]

Until then I can only love and accept him for who he is and keep at least one eye out for relationships with men who don't have problematic exes in the picture.

 

YUP. This guy isn't a keeper. Keep looking around and don't make any promises. Cos you know as soon as you two break up, he'll be right back with her. How weak.

[Juha]

Dako you are a better man than I...

 

I don't think I could be doing what you are...Maybe when I am your age I will see things differently...

 

I would be llike you want a divorce you got it and no tbe bothered with her,

let alone put her in my will...

 

I would rather give my money to charity or some homeless person than the ex...

[bubblyblonde11]

Nope have never stayed friends with any of my ex's find it better to cut off contact.

 

I think it has alot to do with what type of person you are, I am the sensitive type and just couldnt handle it, not for along long time anyway.

 

Besides referring to most recent ex I do not want to care about someone who left me in an awful way and clearly did not care about me in the end. Who needs ex as friends I have enough friends that take me for who I am and everything about me be it good or bad. They don't just dump me if things get a bit rough.

[jettison]

Ex #1 - broke up 1.5 years ago.

 

I am friends with this ex because we can really be friends. We met in my early 20s, were close friends for a year while each of us dated other people, then got together, fell in love, and stayed that way for a loooong time. At some point over the course of 10 years, life happened, and we no longer shared a romantic, physical connection. However, I will always love her. She was likely the "love of my life", and I grew up with her. I would not be who I am minus her. She is like family. Her family is like my family as well. The bond will always remain.

 

She told me just last week that she has a new BF. I was sad. I didn't cry. I was sad for missing her, but sad in a happy way too. I just want so much happiness for her. I'm glad that she found someone, and I pray that he's good to her. She wished the same things for me. We're kindred spirits. Maybe i'll be at her wedding someday, or maybe she'll be at mine.

 

Ex #2 - Broke up 8+ months ago.

 

Ours is not a friendship. We still share a romance and physical attraction. Our frienship is a bit of a farce. I don't know what will become of it. I know who she is underneath all the walls, and that's why I fell in love with her, but I still have a lot of doubts that I will ever find that person again. She may be completely gone to me. It still makes me sad every week.

[beauty21]

but i would say they still have feelings for each other. one of those messy relationships that are on-off-on-off-on-off.

 

I agree with this. I am still friends with my ex, because I am still in love with him. I know things will never happen the way I want them to, but I still love him.

[rosie76]

I'm currently friends with my ex because we have a rare connection - but I'd be lying if I said that didn't often spill over into thoughts of being back with him and I know it's sometimes true for him as well. Doesn't mean it will happen though - I think sometimes people can get to a point where they realize that side of things can't work out even though the feeling of wanting to try it never completely goes away. But our connection on a personal level beyond all the boy/girl stuff is so astounding that I'm sure we'll know each other all our lives.

 

In general, I've usually been on friendly terms with all of my exes, but regular contact usually petered out when whichever one felt less stopped wanting to get back together. But I've had relationships with people who were friends with their exes in more real ways. I didn't feel insecure about this because they were clear about the fact that the exes would always be an important part of their lives but would never encroach on the part that should be only mine. If your boyfriend can't make this equally clear to you, I'd get out of the situation.