Just Feel So Awful

[michelle25]

I am sad to say I caved in and went back to my boyfriend. bad move i know.

Please read my previous post to get the whole situation.

 

yesterday, I said something he didn't like, and he was already sick of my "attitude" and he basically made me leave. He said I don't want to deal with you tonight, just go! My drive home is pretty far, so it sucks to drive when Im angry, and in traffic. He wouldn't even let me talk, just made me leave.

 

Later that night I said I missed him, and if I could come back. he ignored me all yesterday, didn't call me or answer my earlier texts, but I still wanted to make things right and be with him.

So, he said ok, and I came back. I brought pizza and as soon as I walked in he started bossing me around, telling me to get him ranch dressing, get a plate for him, and when I didn't right away he said, "listen to me, get the plate right now!"

 

He was treating me like crap, when I was making such an effort to make up to him, and just get him happy. He is so cruel that way!

 

Then, this morning we were taking a drive, and a fast beat song came on the radio. I said, 'you don't like these songs do you?' He said, "i don't like techno, there's a difference." I said it just sounded like techno, and he WENT OFF! He said, "you are WRONG!" "You are always wrong, nothing that comes out of your mouth is right!!" He lost it!

 

I tried to talk and say it was just my opinion, and he said, "shut the F**** up, shut up, shut up!!" He was yelling at the top of his lungs, and people outside of the car were staring."

 

I may not know as much as him, but he constantly tells me im wrong, that I embarrass him when everything i say is wrong. Im younger than him, and he is smart, but half the time im not wrong like he says.

 

What is wrong with me. Why can't I have the diva attitude and never look back on this man. All he has been is cruel to me, telling me Im always wrong, yelling at me, kicking me out, telling me to shut up. Im about to break down, and I still have feelings for him. What do I do to never want to see or care about this man again.??

 

It may be that I want to let him know that his anger and outburts are not all my fault, and make him feel the pain I feel when he overreacts at everything. I guess that will never happen, because like someone told me on this board, a man like this is sick in the head.

[DN]

There is also some sickness in staying with a man like that. Call it low self-esteem or a need to be treated like that - but whatever it is it needs treatment.

 

I think you should get some help for your need to be with him - let him sort out his sickness on his own.

 

Try calling an abuse hotline for some answers as to why you need to be with him.

[Lady Bugg]

Michelle...this guy is a complete A- hole, plain and simple. It is ALSO abuse. He may not hit you, but he does everything short of that.

DN is right, your reasons for continuing to stay with him and take the blame for HIS behavior DEFINETELY needs to to be looked into.

 

Please, do NOT thinkYOU are responsible for this jerks behavior. You're not.

 

There is a VERY good book called "Women Who Love Too Much"...it is a good start if you are looking to end this relationship for good. Please don't stick around for MORE of this abuse. It will only get worse.

 

Keep us posted!!

[Relationship Coach]

Michelle,

DN is right, you need to get some help. It is very common for abused women to become enthralled with their abusers, it's a form of Stockholm Syndrome. You need to get some counseling so you can better understand your attraction to him. You are playing a very dangerous game with your life and you may not see it now but I can assure you that his behavior will escalate and you are in real jeopardy of physical harm. You came here because of how you feel, you know this is a very unhealthy relationship to be in. We can only do so much, please get some help before it is too late. Get away from him, don't you deserve to be happy?

 

RC

[michelle25]

Thank you all for the posts. I guess I have no excuse for going back. I try to say its because he is so nice when he isn't having an outburst, or if I didn't act this way, he wouldn't be so cruel.

 

I KNOW Im so wrong in that thinking, and I need to give up on him for good. The thing that will keep me away is that he's starting to scare me with his temper, and he BLOWS UP over the smallest things.

 

I may need therapy, you are all right, because I NEVER EVER took any crap from men before, and they were really good guys too. For some reason, this man has a hold on me, and I know for my safety and sanity I'll find a way to do NC full force and put this man out of my life 100%.

 

NOTHING i do is good enough, he loses it over the smallest things, he ignores me, and I end up saying sorry for things he should be begging me for forgiveness for. He is so kind one minute, then the next, chaos...

 

Im sick of feeling like this. He has anger problems that have nothing to do with me. all ive done wrong with this man is show unconditional love. Im not perfect, but I was so loyal and loving to him, Im done doing that to someone who doesn't care.

 

I will be ok. Im strong, there are other men that have shown interest and I need to go out and date other people, because I don't want to spend my 20's being scared of what to say, do, or how to act.

 

Thanks for all of your posts! Just sharing it and hearing some of your responses makes me stronger already. I will be strong, because I always was until meeting him. I can do this, with the help of my loving family and friends and this forum, I will leave him for good.

[avman]

Hang in there Michelle. I know it takes a lot of strength to leave these abusers but you CAN do it. He makes you feel like crap because he wants to control your every move. As long as he can keep you down then he wins.

 

Love yourself enough to quit listening to this guy. He doesn't control you, you are in control. You can take those steps necessary to leave. Get some counseling so that you have a support system in place. Have your friends rally around you. And keep posting on here. You will emerge from this a much stronger person.

[DN]

I can do this, with the help of my loving family and friends and this forum, I will leave him for good.

Excellent. We will hold you to that!!

 

Keep us posted - we are here if you need us.

[michelle25]

Thank you!

[Scout]

Michelle, in your second-to-last post, I do see some sanity and strength re-emerging here, thank God. Like Relationship Coach says, you are basically gambling your physical safety at this point, let alone your self-esteem and mental wellbeing.

 

Staying with this guy and hoping he won't hurt you is like deciding to dig in your backyard for gold simply because you want it to be there. There's exactly that zero of a chance for a positive outcome in either case.

[michelle25]

All of your advice has really helped me so much. In fact, when he called me back twice today, I ignored it. Then, he left me a voicemail, and said he was sorry, and he never says sorry. Should i believe him, or continue to ignore it. I texd him back and said that i responded to his email He had emailed me before he called me saying, "you need to learn more facts, and learn more things before you speak." basically he was telling me that I need to not talk unless I know what im talking about. The thing is I just share my opinion on so many things we talk about, but if its not right TO HIM, its always wrong.

 

Anyways, I replied saying that his behavior was cruel and unnacceptable. Since then, he hasn't tried to contact me. Should I just continue doing nc, and not even pay attention to him if he contacts me again? He leaves for his mothers out of state for a week, and I was supposed to stay at his place a couple days after he left. I know i cant contact him, but I hope I will stay strong when he may come around...

[DN]

I would send him one last e-mail saying that you never want to see him again and that he should not contact you any more for any reason.

 

This man is not good for you in any way. Lose him - he's not worth your love, your time or your sympathy.

[alteer]

Don't believe him, this type always says sorry, resulting in you going back for more of their BS.

 

I was with a guy a long time ago who sounds just like this guy. I ended up with very low self esteem. The thing is that once I LET him boss me around and generally treat me like crap he became physically violent.

 

Keep NC going. No one deserves the crap he was dishing out to you. YOU deserve better.

[blender]

Continue no contact for sure. This is about you living within your values/standards from now on... no more accepting any negative outburst from anyone, no one, not him, no one, you need to move on. One day at a time, no need to "announce" anything to him, just make a promise to yourself, that for today you will not contact him or take his call.

 

I know you had "plans" with him, and you had "hopes" and "dreams" well, your "hopes and dreams" are still alive but NOT with HIM. Yes, you will be sad for a bit and you will miss what you "hoped" he could be in your life, but start seperating your "feelings" from the "facts" this will help you move on, your "feelings' are beautiful, but are wasted on someone with his "illness" and the FACT is he's not capable of being conisistently loving, kind, caring, supportive or respectful, of himself or YOU...

 

His behavior is not about what you do or don't do or what you say or don't say or if you are right or wrong, it's something inside of HIM that makes him behave this way, and he will be doing this for a long time to come to you or anyone he gets involved with..

 

save yourself, don't lose anymore of yourself with this guy... listen to your "gut" and get away, one day at a time... let go and let god.

 

Remember if he acted like this on the first date you would have run for the hills, try to gain back some perspective on who he REALLY revealed himself to be and not what you "hoped he "could" be, he's proving he's NOT what you "hoped" for... so now live within your values/standards, and know that his behavior is not "acceptable" for YOU. Once you start having boundaries and live within your own values, all your dreams will come true... but his guy is NOT healthy.. YOU are.. and you will heal from this "percieved" loss... you will...

[Relationship Coach]

Sorry is a word not an action. Sorry is a way to lure you back in, who does he think he is telling you not to speak? This guy needs a wake up call and that call is you leaving him once and for all. I've seen some real pathetic losers in my life but this guy takes the grand prize. It's not so much that you deserve better, it's that he does not deserve you! The quicker you make him a part of your past the quicker you can start making a better future for yourself.

 

RC

[kellbell]

Hi Michelle!

 

I just went back and read all of your posts and I agree with everyone else, you are in a horrible relationship and you need to say goodbye once and for all. I know in your heart you realize this is what you need to do.

 

Relationship Coach is right, it is very common for a person to become entralled and protect his/her abuser which is coined the term Stockholm Syndrome. It is a true and well-researched phenomenon. So you are not "crazy" or "weak" for doing this.

 

And BeyondtheSea is very wise, she beat me to punch by posting that article by John Carver, "How do you know you are dating a loser?" Re-Read it. I know you read it but read it again.

 

You are not weak, stupid or anything of the sort. The most sound minded, well-adjusted person can get into the likes of an abuser (myself included) and have one's life spin out of control. It is such a gradual process and before you know it, you are neck deep. But you CAN get out of this relationship...you need to. You do not deserve this. You did nothing to set him off or make him treat you like this. However, staying in this relationship is NOT going to tame him, change him, make him come around, or make him admire your loyalty to him....it WILL get worse. He is going to continue to treat you like this if you stay. And the longer this goes on...the harder it will be to get out...the more of your self-esteem and confidence will stripped away because of his abuse.

 

Turn to your family, your friends, perhaps find a support group. You always have us here at eNotalone...but there is only so much others can do for you, ultimately, you have to help yourself. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

 

P.S. He can be sorry all he wants, he does not mean it, it is a manipulative gesture to lure you back in his life. DO NOT fall for it.

 

(((hugs)))

[michelle25]

I read each of your responses, and was so amazed at how much an outside perspective of the relationship can really open my eyes to what kind of person I truly have been dealing with. I can try and I can be loyal, yet none of that matters because he will always be who he is.

 

After reading each of your posts, I realize there is no point in giving him a chance or believing his apologies. it wont get me anywhere to try and make him see its so much of his doing that destroyed the relationship. He will always see it as all my fault, and if I tried to change his opinion, i would drive myself even more crazy.

 

I was looking at the dr. carver article, and on link removed on how to identify if your man is mental and verbally abusive. He fit almost 9/10 things on the list. i literally broke down and cried because I have felt so trapped, and so miserable trying to prove to this abusive man that I am a good girl, I loved him so much, and I wanted so much for him to see my good side instead of the constant "bad things" he thinks I always do.

The fact that he yells at me, tells me to shut up and has told me im always wrong, makes me cringe now.

I have not responded or talked to him, and I will take this day by day with NC. I appreciate each post so much! Each one of you have been a blessing to me, and I need to be strong because I will be fine soon. That strong, loving, and happy person will come out very soon once this man is out of my life.

[kellbell]

Hi Michelle!

 

I am so glad you have decided to cut him out your life for good. It will be a tough road but you CAN do this. We are here to help and listen.

 

By the way...you do NOT have to prove anything to anyone, only to yourself. Take care and take one day at a time.

 

(((hugs)))

[DN]

Hi Michelle!

 

I am so glad you have decided to cut him out your life for good. It will be a tough road but you CAN do this. We are here to help and listen.

 

By the way...you do NOT have to prove anything to anyone, only to yourself. Take care and take one day at a time.

 

(((hugs)))

I agree with kellbell - anytime you feel like weakening post on here and we will halp you gain the strength to move on from this guy.