Friend inviting me for vacation plans.. when one of his friends is not coming

[survivor2021]

So, my(27M) roommate(same age) during university and one of my close friends, invited me on a trip to Spain. He lives in France and I live in Germany, we recently moved there for job opportunities.

It's been more than one year since we moved and I tell him when I meet him that we should organize a trip together. He told me that he does but with friends who live in the same city as him. I understand that and I do the same too, since it's easier to plan.

He recently invited me to a trip to Spain and I accepted. I'm happy, but I learned that one of the main reasons is that one of the guys he usually travels with has other plans and is not coming... So I wonder how I should take this. It sucks that I feel somehow like a temporary replacement and I believe the next strip if that guy comes back, I won't be part of my friend plans.

Sad part is that my friend planning is usually like this: He ditches some guys for the sake of others, usually girls because he wants to hang out with girls.. but he makes sure he is accompanied by one or two guys.. He did it in the past when I got called at last minute to the cinema with him and a couple of girls he knew... and he invites me for some plans and so do I, but still..

How should I take and handle this in the best way ? What would you ? Any perspective please ?

[Batya33]

I'd ignore the high school drama part and go and enjoy.  By the time the next trip comes around you'll deal with it then.  

[Wiseman2]

He's seems like a last minute type of planner. It's ok if he invited you because someone else bowed out. .

He also seems interested in picking up women and wants you or anyone else as a wingman.

That's fine if you want to go just have fun and don't take his last minute planning or looking for wingman personally.

[Cherylyn]

I feel for you.  I don't enjoy being an afterthought or second choice either.  It's happened to me as well.  🙄There are several ways to go about this.  Be a good sport,  have a good time,  know you're a substitute yet remain gracious and well mannered.  You might even consider feeling grateful that you were thought of at all even though you weren't first choice. 

Or, you could politely decline and prefer to be with a friend who prioritizes you over those who are in standby mode. 🤨

It all depends on your attitude.  Either go and mind your manners all the while or quietly sulk at home. 

To me,  it really depends on the person.  If the person is kind,  I'll go.  If I don't know the person well and I couldn't care less about this person,  I prefer to stay home. 

[Andrina]

If it's an expensive trip, or even if not too expensive but you'll be using all your travel budget for a while, why go if you already have a bad taste in your mouth about it? Instead go on a different trip with another buddy.

[catfeeder]

If you haven't paid any money yet, you can back out if you're not enthusiastic. However, if you have paid and you're going, then why would you ruin your own enthusiasm over a practical technicality?

If I'm with a bunch of local friends and we all make a plan, I'm not going to complicate those plans and risk making the group unhappy with me by inviting anyone else. If one friend drops out, and the group agrees that we need to fill that opening, then I'd throw in my suggestion for another friend. With the group's approval, I'd extend that invitation.

Not a big deal.

[yogacat]

Well, you can look at this as a wonderful opportunity to have a great trip to Spain with a friend and some great experiences.

But, my concern is, will he be flakey? It's an international trip and it's already been his pattern to switch out people depending on his mood or whom he wants to be with that day.

So maybe just keep that in the back of your mind.

[SherrySher]

On 5/19/2024 at 11:56 AM, survivor2021 said:

So, my(27M) roommate(same age) during university and one of my close friends, invited me on a trip to Spain. He lives in France and I live in Germany, we recently moved there for job opportunities.

It's been more than one year since we moved and I tell him when I meet him that we should organize a trip together. He told me that he does but with friends who live in the same city as him. I understand that and I do the same too, since it's easier to plan.

He recently invited me to a trip to Spain and I accepted. I'm happy, but I learned that one of the main reasons is that one of the guys he usually travels with has other plans and is not coming... So I wonder how I should take this. It sucks that I feel somehow like a temporary replacement and I believe the next strip if that guy comes back, I won't be part of my friend plans.

Sad part is that my friend planning is usually like this: He ditches some guys for the sake of others, usually girls because he wants to hang out with girls.. but he makes sure he is accompanied by one or two guys.. He did it in the past when I got called at last minute to the cinema with him and a couple of girls he knew... and he invites me for some plans and so do I, but still..

How should I take and handle this in the best way ? What would you ? Any perspective please ?

Honestly, it wouldn't bother me.

It's not that big of a deal. You're thinking too deeply about it and trying to figure out if you're second choice, or not, you're overthinking the whole thing.

Concentrate on seeing beautiful sites, making memories, and enjoying your time, because at the end of the day, that's what truly matters.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

Well, you can look at this as a wonderful opportunity to have a great trip to Spain with a friend and some great experiences.

But, my concern is, will he be flakey? It's an international trip and it's already been his pattern to switch out people depending on his mood or whom he wants to be with that day.

So maybe just keep that in the back of your mind.

Good point. I am a person who would then travel solo and do my own thing but the OP can consider this of course. I would not pay the organizer if possible - pay for the trip on your own.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Good point. I am a person who would then travel solo and do my own thing but the OP can consider this of course. I would not pay the organizer if possible - pay for the trip on your own.

Right, I mean, if this comes down to not trusting the guy with your money, that's one thing. But if it's just an emotional downer about being chosen second after someone dropped out, then that's just spinning yourself into a hole over nothing. Would you feel the same way if his trip included only family members, then one dropped out, and you were invited to go? 

Everyone has a right to form close communities of neighbors and local friends, which wouldn't automatically include a guy from another country. Naturally, such a group might form plans that do NOT consider people from outside that group. But if one leaves an opening, I'd consider myself honored to be thought of to include.

[TeeDee]

On 5/19/2024 at 1:56 PM, survivor2021 said:

How should I take and handle this in the best way ? What would you ? Any perspective please ?

You know you are not a priority for him to due the geographical issues; you said yourself it's easier to plan trips with people who are closer. 

If you want to go to Spain, just go with him & have a good time.  Live in the moment. Enjoy the vacation & don't worry about the rest.  

[Cherylyn]

If you're unsure about this Spain trip and his second choice,  don't go.  Graciously decline.  I'm not you but if it were me,  I doubt I would accept this invitation while knowing I wasn't his favored travel companion.  In fact,  I'd feel second rate at best. 🫢 🤨 

If you have to ask here whether or not you should go,  you weren't feeling it in the first place.  Go with your gut. 

[Jaunty]

I don't know about the soap-opera like dramatic aspects - I personally would not care if I were "first choice" travel companion or not.  If I wanted to go, the friend and I enjoyed each others' company, and I was free, I would not give that a moment of attention.  

But, you do care about being "second choice" and you also think that your friend is an unreliable flake, so it sounds like you are talking yourself out of it already.  If that's the case I don't see how that attitude wouldn't taint your trip.  

[Tinydance]

So does your friend do this a lot where he only invites you somewhere because other people can't come? Or he invites you just by yourself too? You said he's a close friend so you talk and hang out often?

To me it depends on the actual situation how I feel about it. If I have a friend who only invites me somewhere to "fill in" for someone else, then I'd feel a bit upset. But if they invite me other times too then it wouldn't bother me.

I actually do this sometimes too because I organise a lot of outings. I also win a lot of free tickets to theatre, music gigs, things like that. So for example if I organised to go to the cinema and paid for tickets. If someone can't come then I might ask someone else. Or I win free tickets and I only ask someone at the last minute. But I talk to my friends a lot and invite them out one-on-one as well. 

I also don't really feel offended if someone I'm not close to asks me to come somewhere because someone else cancelled. Like, if they're an acquaintance and they don't contact me much. I'm not offended because I know we're not close but they just had a spare ticket. Or they want to see a band and need someone to see it with. I think the only time I'd be offended is if I'm close to someone but they only invite me out instead of someone else.

If you'd really like to go to Spain then go and have a good time! Sometimes it's also about doing the activities together and enjoying it. Like, sometimes I had free movie tickets. I put on Facebook and a distant acquaintance replied that she'd go with me. Normally I didn't speak to her much but we just went out together to see the movie. Like activity buddies.

[Kwothe28]

On 5/19/2024 at 7:56 PM, survivor2021 said:

He ditches some guys for the sake of others, usually girls because he wants to hang out with girls.. but he makes sure he is accompanied by one or two guys.. He did it in the past when I got called at last minute to the cinema with him and a couple of girls he knew... 

So why do you expect a different pattern now?

I dunno, I also dont like last minute offers. For example in your case I immediately think that they need another because the price would be cheaper so they remembered you exist. I dont enjoy being “coat hangar” too. Makes people respect you less. You know, like, that guy that is always available. So where is the line in the sand when it comes to it? Can they call you in 4am for hanging out? Its Ok not to be available and say “Sorry, I have other plans”. Even if you dont have. You need to respect your time so other people will too. That is the lesson for work, friends, even relationships. So I wouldnt go if I felt disrespected by the last minute offer.