When You Look Good, You FEEL Good...

[itsallgrand]

54 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This post had me thinking of the hilarious scene in The Hangover, when the groom and groomsmen are having a bachelor party in Vegas. All the guys are dressed to the nines except the bride's dorky brother. (I actually went to this movie with a guy from OLD many moons ago.)

It's crazy how many young people dress like this all the time now, regardless of occasion. The old eccentric relative look! 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And one man admitted during the date he rented the Lamborghini to impress me! 

I had a roommate in college. He studied dentistry, he wasnt so rich but his university buddies were twins whos daddy has a private clinic in different city. So anyway, when he wanted to impress one of his date, he borrowed from his friends a phone(at that time mobile phones were not that common, very good one(not "the brick" kind) would mean that you are indeed rich), gold chain and their car(It was a jeep kind). Dont think he managed to do anything other then maybe 2nd base though. Sorry, your story reminded me on that. 😆

Anyway, I would politely decline and be done with it. Not a fan of ghosting. Though there is a case to be made that he maybe dont get the hint so its better to just leave it alone.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His message:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot and I left you with an inaccurate impression of me.  Another shot"?

Sounds like the ball is in your court as to whether a second date is worth your while. Maybe he's an ok guy under the rumpled board shorts and doesn't need all the plumage to feel good about himself or comfortable in his own skin? But after all the disgust and drama is it really worthwhile getting to know him better? 

[mylolita]

41 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I had a roommate in college. He studied dentistry, he wasnt so rich but his university buddies were twins whos daddy has a private clinic in different city. So anyway, when he wanted to impress one of his date, he borrowed from his friends a phone(at that time mobile phones were not that common, very good one(not "the brick" kind) would mean that you are indeed rich), gold chain and their car(It was a jeep kind). Dont think he managed to do anything other then maybe 2nd base though. Sorry, your story reminded me on that. 😆

Anyway, I would politely decline and be done with it. Not a fan of ghosting. Though there is a case to be made that he maybe dont get the hint so its better to just leave it alone.

Ha! 
 

This is so funny Kwothe! I also knew a guy like this, but he would borrow his Dad’s car for every date! (It was a Porsche).

 

x

[HeartfeltDesire]

I always have this sense of feeling good from looking bad, its like i can always improve my look so i dont need to be afraid of rejection. but when i look good i dont care and feel great. its just expensive and takes a lot of energy to dress up in nice clothes all the time

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, HeartfeltDesire said:

I always have this sense of feeling good from looking bad, its like i can always improve my look so i dont need to be afraid of rejection. but when i look good i dont care and feel great. its just expensive and takes a lot of energy to dress up in nice clothes all the time

I don't think nice clothes are needed to look good.  Or even a lot of time -what I'd do is stick to basics that can be combined differently for different outfits -also - for women anyway - accessories like a scarf or a cute necklace etc transform a plain fitted tee and sweater into -chic or fashionable or whatever.  I think Rainbowroses was more concerned with the disheveled/unclean look than whether he was fashion forward.

[boltnrun]

People have translated his sloppy attire into he was un-bathed and smelly. 

Was he?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

People have translated his sloppy attire into he was un-bathed and smelly. 

Was he?

When I saw "messy and disheveled" I assumed he might not have BO but that he appeared unclean.  If she knew him well and that was -him - that's one thing but often -to me anyway -messy and disheveled suggest poor hygiene too.

[boltnrun]

I've worn ill fitting and even stained clothing when I am clean. I just threw something on to water my plants or run to the store. I've even gone out in less than fashionable clothing. I am currently sitting in a bar in a resort town in joggers, a graphic tee and a zip up hoodie. No makeup. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

When I saw "messy and disheveled" I assumed he might not have BO but that he appeared unclean.  

I keep picturing "Dude" 

 

[greendots]

It's important to look presentable. Especially when going on a date. I mean, would you dress badly for a job interview? No, you wouldn't. You would wear clean clothes that suit you well. You would make an effort.

Guys that don't make an effort are definitely not my type. I don't dress to the nines, but whenever I'm out and about I make sure I look presentable: clean clothes that fit me and are in good condition.

When you look good, you feel good for sure. Plus, it's about making an effort which showcases to your date that you take care of yourself. Pretty sexy in my opinion.

[mylolita]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I keep picturing "Dude" 

 

I also think of the character Floyd from ‘True Romance’ but hey, it’s Brad Pitt, he pulls off that bum look terrifically 🤣

 

 

[LINDA]

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my best friend about his first date meeting a girl he had been talking to online for two months. I asked why it took so long, and he explained that they lived in different cities. Anyways, he was turned off the first time he saw her. He mentioned that he had made the effort to dress nicely and shave for the occasion, as it was their first date. However, she didn't seem to put in the same effort. She showed up dressed as if she were going to a convenience store, with no makeup on. He said he was shocked and felt uneasy about it.

Appearance can play a significant role in making a positive first impression for both individuals involved. It demonstrates care and respect for the occasion and the person you're meeting.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I've worn ill fitting and even stained clothing when I am clean. I just threw something on to water my plants or run to the store. I've even gone out in less than fashionable clothing. I am currently sitting in a bar in a resort town in joggers, a graphic tee and a zip up hoodie. No makeup. 

Same -and not to a first meet or an interview.  I treated those as the same when I dated -that's just me. I love the point Linda made about respect.  I agree.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/1/2024 at 2:59 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

.We met a local pub and without sounding too judgy he was dressed like an absolute slob.  Nice looking but it was obvious he made NO effort to look presentable.  At least IMO which is all that really matters since we were both there to determine if there was an in person connection.

 

Did he look and smell like he just got back from dumpster diving or was he just in overly casual  sloppy not thought out clothes?

  Try not to take his presentation personally or affect your moods. He didn't know you at all and dating is a what you see is what you get situation so all the pics and banter beforehand was misleading. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, greendots said:

It's important to look presentable. Especially when going on a date. I mean, would you dress badly for a job interview? No, you wouldn't. You would wear clean clothes that suit you well. You would make an effort.

Guys that don't make an effort are definitely not my type. I don't dress to the nines, but whenever I'm out and about I make sure I look presentable: clean clothes that fit me and are in good condition.

When you look good, you feel good for sure. Plus, it's about making an effort which showcases to your date that you take care of yourself. Pretty sexy in my opinion.

Thank you!  This^ is exactly what I've been 'trying' to say and failing miserably unfortunately.  It sums up my own feelings perfectly, 100%. 

The last sentence about how making an effort re your appearance shows you take care of yourself, this wasn't addressed previously but absolutely!  

That is huge for me personally and yes I find that pretty freakin sexy also! 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, LINDA said:

Appearance can play a significant role in making a positive first impression for both individuals involved. It demonstrates care and respect for the occasion and the person you're meeting.

Another awesome post which reflects my feelings about it perfectly!

Thank you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did he look and smell like he just got back from dumpster diving or was he just in overly casual  sloppy not thought out clothes?

I have already described what he was wearing, a few times. NOT that it even matters, I was not attracted to him.  

Do people even need a reason for not being attracted?  I don't think so.  

For some reason I feel like I'm being depicted as some sort of superficial shallow person by some people (not you @Wiseman2) because I'm not interested based on his appearance, which was only PART of it.

Again I invite everyone to read my initial post with ALL the context. 

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to take his presentation personally or affect your moods.

I didn't take it personally.  And it certainly did not affect my mood. 

My own appearance affects my moods (at least on some level) which is the title of this thread and what I intended this thread to be about -- when I look good, I FEEL good. And asked if others felt the same. 

Somehow it morphed into a critique about his appearance which again I only provided for context. 

Addressing some of the comments, he may be a lovely person on the inside with strong values and good character however since the initial attraction was not there for me which was based on many things, NOT just his appearance, does it even matter?  

No I don't think so.  I simply was not attracted, done.  Next. 

Anyway, I thank everyone for taking the time to respond!  It's been an interesting and enlightening discussion!

P.S I politely declined this gentleman's request for 'another shot' so that's that.

It's all good. 💛

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

I don't think you're being shallow...

I do think that feeling disrespected because someone showed up to a date in casual (possibly sloppy) attire has some moralizing component to it. It's just a vibe I'm getting. I feel like if you cared less about social convention you wouldn't care as much.

What I'm getting at is this. First impressions are important in all walks of life. When you are meeting someone for the first time, you are walking into it with certain expectations and in many cases, hopes, that the person you are meeting is going to have made some sort of effort beyond just being themselves.

That effort can be in the style of dress, personal grooming habits, hygiene, etc. 

In some cases, when you meet someone who doesn't meet those expectations, you immediately notice that effort wasn't made or you are disappointed by what you can already observe--many times it means that this person lacks feel for the made up good appearance you are looking for.  

But, I wouldn't take his choice of attire or that he maybe was dirty as a sign of 'disrespect' for you. He's only disrespecting you if he thought he knew and showed up unkempt specifically to piss you off.

He also may think that he looks good in that attire and not showering or whichever it was, but as a straight guy, I hope he would realize that he picked a look that most women don't find attractive.

In terms of social convention, I think it only matters to the extent of relationship stage. In other words, you would hope your SO to be physical and emotionally healthy. In contrast, when you are just friends acquaintances or loosley dating you wouldn't take personal offense to what he is eating or how he is not relying on his brain only. 

IF you made it clear that your appearance is important to you and that you were expecting him to at least put in a little effort, then yes, it could be seen as disrespectful. However, if you did not explicitly express this to him, then it's not fair to hold him to that standard.

While it may not necessarily mean he doesn't respect you, it did make you question his level of interest and effort in getting to know you. That's valid.

[boltnrun]

People have been assuming he was dirty, hadn't bathed and smelled bad. I'm just trying to determine if that was true.

Despite me frequently choosing casual clothing I am always bathed and I make sure I don't smell. I am clean and neat even when wearing joggers and a hoodie. 

Can you confirm if he actually was dirty and smelly? Or if he just hadn't bothered to make himself look like a man going on a first meet?

For the record, if I had gone to a high end restaurant last night I wouldn't have worn joggers and a hoodie. I would have dressed to the atmosphere of the restaurant. But I was at a sports bar, so I wore "sporty" attire!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I do think that feeling disrespected because someone showed up to a date in casual (possibly sloppy) attire has some moralizing component to it. It's just a vibe I'm getting. I feel like if you cared less about social convention you wouldn't care as much.

^^I respect your opinion yoga however to clarify I did not feel disrespected at all. 

Not attracted?  Yes?  Turned off?  Yes.  Disrespected?  No

His attire wasn't even the topic of this thread.  Again, I only posted it for context to link with the title and topic of this thread referring to my own appearance.

I dont even know what to say now, clearly I haven't articulated myself accurately and for that I apologize.

I dislike getting defensive however to clarify I don't give a rat's rear about social convention.  I do what I do and feel what I feel for ME.  What suits ME and works for ME.  Including my own appearance.

What others do is their business.  In a romantic context, I'm either attracted or not.  Here, again I was not. That's all this is or was.

My late mom was into social convention and status and I rebelled against that a very long time ago which is why I moved away. 

The only thing I made clear to him (or tried to) after HE asked was that making an effort to look nice is important to me, that when I look good, I feel good (thread title) to which he challenged and argued with me about.  See my original post.

I made no reference to HIS attire whatsoever to him.  

I only mentioned it here for context which in retrospect was a big mistake judging from the responses.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Can you confirm if he actually was dirty and smelly? 

May I ask why it matters and why you or anyone cares?  I don't know how many times this needs to be said, it's NOT about his appearance or whether he was smelly and dirty. 

The reason why I haven't answered is because the question is off topic and irrelevant.

I was not attracted to him, period.  NOT a match. Not just based on appearance but his overall energy, attitude and the vibe *I* got. 

It's unclear to me why this isn't good enough and you need details about whether he was smelly and dirty. 

Mods, you may close this thread now. I appreciate the responses and discussion and thanks again to all who responded.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His attire wasn't even the topic of this thread.  Again, I only posted it for context to link with the title and topic of this thread referring to my own appearance.

The only thing I made clear to him (or tried to) after HE asked was that making an effort to look nice is important to me, that when I look good, I feel good (thread title) to which he challenged and argued with me about.  

That's ok. He can disagree that he doesn't need to look good to feel good.  Many people are comfortable in their own skin.

However your thread is specifically about his appearance and presentation so trying to clarify how bad it really was is on topic.  

At least he extended an olive branch for an attempted reset/restart. Even though you're not attracted or interested it was a polite move on his part.  Especially after you walked off the date because of how he presented himself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though you're not attracted or interested it was a polite move on his part. 

I agree which in turn is why I politely responded. 

And although he wasn't the right fit for ME, perhaps another woman would find him to be the perfect fit for HER.

I mentioned that earlier.  There's a lid for every pot. 

His lid just wasn't right for me. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Especially after you walked off the date because of how he presented himself. 

I ended the meet politely after 30 minutes because I realized during that time I was not attracted, he was not the right fit for me.

It was a first meet to determine mutual attraction. It wasn't there. I don't see the point of extending a first meet beyond 30 minutes when it's clear there's no attraction.

JMO and I've ended other first meets that same way.  There doesn't even need to be a reason, does there?  This has been discussed many times on this forum.

Here, yes his appearance and how he presented played a part in my lack of attraction.  I own it.

No he did not smell bad, but his clothes (shorts and tank top) did appear to be unclean.