Am I a homewrecker?

[lecocole]

I'm facing a moral dilemma. My ex was a guy who, when I met him, still lived with the mother of his child (they were not married). They had been broken up for 3 years and lived together to take care of their son, their house was huge so each one had their space and barely saw each other. I got solid proof that he was telling me the truth. I never got to talk directly to her because she wasn't interested, but I had text messages, voice recorsings ans I listened to one of their conversations (I know it's wrong, but once I secretly listened to one of their conversations where she confirmed that they had been broken off for three years and nothing had happened between them in that period of time. My ex never led her on and was clear from the beginning that they were not getting back together.). That's how I confirmed that they were over and nothing had happened between them in those three years. He provided the proof I needed to consider dating him; that was one of my conditions. The other was that he moved out, which he did a couple of weeks later. Everything was okay until she started acting weird with him shortly after the move, fighting him over money and other random stuff. I got suspicious, so they talked again and she told him that she still had feelings for him. After that, I started questioning everything, and we eventually broke up because I didn't feel comfortable with the whole situation. When we started going out, he assured me that his ex was over him and that I didn't need to worry about that. To be fair, I don’t think he lied to me. That’s what he thought because during their time living together while separated, she never said anything or tried fixing their relationship, and he was clear with her that they were over for good. Now I feel conflicted with myself. I feel awful, to be honest. I know it was a weird position to put myself in in the first place, because who would date someone who lives with their ex right? But it's not that strange to me because my parents have lived like that for more than 13 years already, so I guess I kinda normalized it and thought that it was possible for an ex-couple to live like that with no feelings involved. Apparently, this wasn't the case so I felt guilty. I think it was wrong not to talk to her directly (she knew about me but we never spoke to each other) but I just didn’t really see the point. I got proof that they were over and they didn’t get along; she didn’t want to know anything about his life and barely agreed to a couple of conversations face to face with him. Do I have to feel guilty? Am I a homewrecker?

[Batya33]

Have you ever been to his home? Have you been to events involving him and his child? Do you meet up with his parents and friends? Why did it matter that she had feelings for him and how do you know when those feelings arose? Perhaps she chose not to act on them or even tell him? You feel what you feel.  You chose to get involved where you really couldn't be fully involved in his life (but that's also why I asked how involved you were with his family which will provide some of the information I think is needed here IMO).

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, lecocole said:

, I started questioning everything, and we eventually broke up because I didn't feel comfortable with the whole situation.. I know it was a weird position to put myself in in the first place, because who would date someone who lives with their ex right? 

Sorry this happened. Trust your instincts. You made the right decision to end things. You're not a homewrecker, he is. He abandoned them. The whole situation is stressful and be glad you're free of their mess.

[lostandhurt]

Home was wrecked long before you came along.  Let it go but learn from this.

Look at yourself when you started dating.  Did you have all your stuff worked out and healed from the last relationship?  Was your ex for sure out of your life?

 Since they never truly left each other it was never real to either of them was it?  Try and date men that have finished with their past before trying to start a future with them.

 Tough spot but you did the right thing.

Lost

[lecocole]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Have you ever been to his home? Have you been to events involving him and his child? Do you meet up with his parents and friends? Why did it matter that she had feelings for him and how do you know when those feelings arose? Perhaps she chose not to act on them or even tell him? You feel what you feel.  You chose to get involved where you really couldn't be fully involved in his life (but that's also why I asked how involved you were with his family which will provide some of the information I think is needed here IMO).

I met his friends and saw them quite often. He never had a problem with us dating in public and being seen by his friends and colleagues. His family is from out of town, so I didn't get to meet them, but they knew about me. We only dated for 5 months, so I wasn't introduced to his kid. I went to his new place numerous times; I stayed there many weekends. I didn't go to his old place where his ex lived. She knew about me but never contacted me and didn't want me to reach out to her. Our relationship never was very serious; we definitely dated, but for half the time, I was unsure of us being together. It never really took off from there.

[Andrina]

Your wall of text is about a lot of stress, worry, discomfort. No need to place yourself, ever, in a situation that involves you being regularly upset because of those sorts of issues. No guy, no matter how nice and attractive, is worth that.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, lecocole said:

She knew about me

According to who, him? 

How did you manage to listen to one of their private conversations?

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, lecocole said:

I know it was a weird position to put myself in in the first place, because who would date someone who lives with their ex right?

Well. apparently you would.

I dont think you are a homewrecker. However I do think you make a bad choices regarding men. There was no reason to talk to his ex directly in any capacity. However, there was a reason not to date that man at all. He was living with his ex and the mother of his kids. What about that screams "dating prospect" to you?

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, lecocole said:

I met his friends and saw them quite often. He never had a problem with us dating in public and being seen by his friends and colleagues. His family is from out of town, so I didn't get to meet them, but they knew about me. We only dated for 5 months, so I wasn't introduced to his kid. I went to his new place numerous times; I stayed there many weekends. I didn't go to his old place where his ex lived. She knew about me but never contacted me and didn't want me to reach out to her. Our relationship never was very serious; we definitely dated, but for half the time, I was unsure of us being together. It never really took off from there.

If you weren't serious and you were so unsure why go to the lengths of eavesdropping? My sense is he deliberately dates women from out of town so he can lead his double life. Also they might be common law married since he is living there. I like how Andrina put it.

[TeeDee]

I really don't understand why you took up with somebody who still lived with his baby mamma.  That seems very odd to me.  However since he moved out shortly after you two started up, it's OK.  

I just said this to somebody else in a different thread.  As a life tip IMO you should never talk to your new SO's EX or worse the person the SO is allegedly leaving you for.  If such a person exists, that alone is enough for me to not get started.  It's all too much drama if you have to be involved with this person.  People (usually woman) who go seek out the 1st one are pot stirrers & trouble IMO 

This guy made some choices.  Maybe he monkey-branched to you but you are not a homewrecker.  Things between him & her were troubled long before you entered the picture.  Even if you represented a soft landing, you are not a home wrecker.  Cut yourself a break.  

Especially since this is over, just put him & the trainwreck that is his life in your rearview mirror & move on.  

[redswim30]

To allay your fears- No, you are NOT a "homewrecker".  To be honest, I hate that word, anyway.  It's almost exclusively applied to women as if the taken guy she dated ISN'T cheating scum who likely either flat out lied to her, gave her half truths or just pretended to be single. 

And even IF the dude is honest about being married, this MARRIED MAN is still choosing to cheat, so how does the woman end up with the title "Homewrecker" as if the man had NO free will in the situation. Dude wrecked his OWN home. IMVHO, it always MORE the person who is attached that should be blamed than the single person.   I weary of married women who stay with cheating husbands and just blame "that Jezebel".  OR, you're husband is just a cheater who doesn't love or respect you.  And if it wasn't her, it'd be someone else- cause someone who is determined to cheat- will.  

It sounds like they really were not together when you dated.  But do learn a lesson from this.  Dating people with kids can be messy, especially if they still live together.  You didn't do anything wrong.  People who are madly in love don't go out and date other people.  That was his choice.  He moved out, so they obviously were not still together.  It's highly unlikely you contributed to the problems they had.  It doesn't sound like they got back together, either.  But it's good to know what you can and can't handle.  A lot of drama comes from dating people with kids, especially if the kid is still young.  Trusting your gut is usually the best thing. 

In the meantime, take it easy on yourself.   

[smackie9]

So this is what you do....stop normalizing someone staying with their ex. Even tho people choose to do it, it's a big red flag to get involved. Keep life simple.... avoid him and anyone in that situation. You saw the repercussions, so learn, grow, move on, and feel strong about your decision. Take care. 

[lecocole]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

According to who, him? 

How did you manage to listen to one of their private conversations?

He arranged a talk in person with her to discuss her behavior. He thought it was unfair that she was constantly picking fights, insulting, and mistreating him and wanted to know the reason. That's when she confessed to him that she was acting up because she still had feelings. He told her about me, but she already knew and told him there was no need for him to tell her that. They started arguing, him saying that in the three years of them being separated, she never apologized, tried to fix things, or expressed a wish of getting back together, so she didn't believe her feelings were true because they only showed up when he was trying to start a new life. I listened to this because he had me on call, and I was able to hear everything. I wanted proof, so I recorded the whole thing. I was worried about some kind of reaction or spreading of lies on her part. This was after we broke up. When I broke up with him, he said to me that he understood my decision and he felt sorry he dragged me into his mess, so he decided to make his separation official via a legal document that they both signed, which stated the date of their separation (three years ago), custody agreements, and alimony. They didn't have any of that before.

[lecocole]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you weren't serious and you were so unsure why go to the lengths of eavesdropping? My sense is he deliberately dates women from out of town so he can lead his double life. Also they might be common law married since he is living there. I like how Andrina put it.

By his family I meant his mom and siblings, his kid and ex are from where I live.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, lecocole said:

He arranged a talk in person with her to discuss her behavior. He thought it was unfair that she was constantly picking fights, insulting, and mistreating him and wanted to know the reason. That's when she confessed to him that she was acting up because she still had feelings. He told her about me, but she already knew and told him there was no need for him to tell her that. They started arguing, him saying that in the three years of them being separated, she never apologized, tried to fix things, or expressed a wish of getting back together, so she didn't believe her feelings were true because they only showed up when he was trying to start a new life. I listened to this because he had me on call, and I was able to hear everything. I wanted proof, so I recorded the whole thing. I was worried about some kind of reaction or spreading of lies on her part. This was after we broke up. When I broke up with him, he said to me that he understood my decision and he felt sorry he dragged me into his mess, so he decided to make his separation official via a legal document that they both signed, which stated the date of their separation (three years ago), custody agreements, and alimony. They didn't have any of that before.

The next time you're having to play detective don't- don't play -at all - walk away -there is nothing healthy about what he had you do or what you did.  

[lecocole]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So this is what you do....stop normalizing someone staying with their ex. Even tho people choose to do it, it's a big red flag to get involved. Keep life simple.... avoid him and anyone in that situation. You saw the repercussions, so learn, grow, move on, and feel strong about your decision. Take care. 

You're right, I definitely learned my lesson and I'm taking this time to reflect on my actions and better myself. I need to work a lot on my self-esteem. Thank you, everyone, for your advice.

[lecocole]

Just now, Batya33 said:

The next time you're having to play detective don't- don't play -at all - walk away -there is nothing healthy about what he had you do or what you did.  

Yes, I'm worth a lot more than that and deserve to be at peace in any relationship I have. That's why I left.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, lecocole said:

Yes, I'm worth a lot more than that and deserve to be at peace in any relationship I have. That's why I left.

Good. It doesn't make sense to get involved in the middle of anyone else's breakup, whether married or not. That's not a moral finder wag, it's just practical self-protection. Feeling any need to spy on another's conversation positions you badly, because it's your signal that you're not in the right match.

Head high, and while I'm sorry you needed to suffer this lesson the hard way, you did well.

[Wonderstruck]

On 4/23/2024 at 5:01 PM, lecocole said:

I listened to this because he had me on call, and I was able to hear everything. I wanted proof, so I recorded the whole thing.

Wow, that's completely illegal.

It is NOT OKAY to record someone without their knowledge and consent.

And the fact that you were willing to commit this creepy, invasive, and ILLEGAL act just to hold onto some lowlife who treated you as nothing more than a "sidepiece"?

Yeah, you're right, your self-esteem is bottom-of-the-barrel LOW.

Hopefully you have deleted the recording, and will NEVER do something like that again.

[ShySoul]

On 4/22/2024 at 3:21 PM, lecocole said:

My ex was a guy who, when I met him, still lived with the mother of his child (they were not married). They had been broken up for 3 years and lived together to take care of their son,

They were already separated for three years, so you did not come between them or cause any of their problems. I knew a woman who got with a man just as he was starting to get a divorce and almost instantly got engaged to him. That was a homewrecker. You are a women who got mixed up with an already broken situation that had been going on for a long time.

The issue her is actually with the ex. She has not been able to move on and thus lashed out at the easiest target when it became apparent that he had. Unfortunately, that target was you. 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Something better is out there. And when the right thing comes along, you won't have to question or need proof on every little thing. You will know.

[MissCanuck]

On 4/23/2024 at 11:01 PM, lecocole said:

I listened to this because he had me on call, and I was able to hear everything

Sorry, I am a little confused about how this happened. He had his phone open the whole time and close enough that you could hear, but she didn't notice?