5 years still no commitment

[Crissy_69]

We met in June of 2019 I caught feelings for him most men and women know within the first 6 months if they wanna marry you or not . When we got together I told him I wanted marriage and afamily that's what I was looking for and of course he said he wanted that as well. We talked about it here and there but he seems to like to tell me what he thinks I wanna hear to get me to settle and push me off a little longer I've caught on to this and now I feel like I'm just wasting my time. So last month I brought the marriage subject up again and yet he tries everything to push it off and then we get it and he says he wants to be my husband then I start planning and then when brought up a date he does everything in his power to push it out as far as possible I have already given almost 5 years of my life to this man so now I have told him I want marriage and afamily and I've waited long enough life is short so he doesn't want what I want that I'm gonna find me aplace and I'm leaving he makes me feel like I'm not good enough like he doesn't love me and could careless how I feel or what I want so now I know that I'm fighting a losing battle I love this man to death but I now know he doesn't feel that same I'm depressed not happy and now every month I waste is another month I'll never get back I guess I'm just not his soulmate but mine his still out there waiting for me. I use to think highly of this man now I feel that if he can't commit that he never planned on marrying me so my question is what do I do? I love this man but I know he will never marry me and I have told him that I'm not waiting anymore that I want something more I want aman that wants to marry me no matter if today, tomorrow or next month and be excited about it.

TL;DR;

What would you do if in my shoes? If after 5years he kept pushing marriage off and making excuses he knew coming into this relationship I wanted marriage and kids. I feel he is trying to hold me as long as he can just wasting my time he told me that he will be happy with or without me.

[Batya33]

How old are each of you? I would assume that you watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says.  His actions don't match his words.  If you knew he would never marry you how long would you stay? Figure that out and at your internal deadline tell him "I am leaving for now because we want different things -your actions tell me that.  If you ever change your mind you can call me but please do not unless you change your mind. Then if I'm still interested and available we can talk."

Also what was each of your purposes in living together before being engaged?

Also a person who wants to marry you most likely wouldn't share with you that he'd be happy with or without you.

[TeeDee]

I waited 10 years for some guy.  I gave him my 20s but the proposal never came.  By the time  I got out & fell in love with my husband I was too old to have kids.  Don't be me.  

While I generally don't believe in ultimatums, one may be appropriate here.  But you have to be strong enough to fully walk away if you two aren't heading down the aisle.  If you pull this but don't dump him he will know you are not a woman of your word.  He will think you are just a drama queen & he can go on stringing you along forever.  

You basically need to sit him down & say when we started this you knew I was looking for marriage & a family. You told me you were too.  It's been 5 years but we are not engaged & I feel like you keep blowing this off.  I need to know what you are thinking & feeling or if you have a plan / timetable.  I hate to be a cliche ,but I do have a bio clock ticking here.  

If that conversation ends without you being engaged or him saying let's go ring shopping over the weekend, you need to break it off.  If you decide to stay you will be agreeing that marriage is not important to what do you want more:  him or a marriage / kids.  You can't have both. 

You should be aware that 20+ years after the  fact that guy who told he "didn't believe in marriage" is still not married.  He continues to have a serious of long term relationships but that is it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Crissy_69 said:

 I have told him I want marriage and afamily and I've waited long enough life is short so he doesn't want what I want that I'm gonna find me aplace and I'm leaving 

 he told me that he will be happy with or without me.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? Is it his house? Why did you move in together! 

Your life and timeline is your responsibility so please take better care of it. Nagging and ultimatums are definitely driving him away more than endearing him to you.

It seems obvious after 5 years that he's contented with just playing house and the status quo. What, besides appeasing you would be his incentive to get married?  

Please step back and reflect what's best for you. Moving out seems like a good idea. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

he makes me feel like I'm not good enough like he doesn't love me and could careless how I feel

Any reason he's not willing to marry you is sufficient to break up (usual reasons--closing the final door on ever being with a different woman/women, doesn't want to share finances, just not that into you but is too cowardly to break up). Obviously, it's nothing he wants you to change or he would've asked.

With each relationship, you learn important things about yourself and sometimes learn how to date more wisely in the future. Make a clean break, go no contact, and eventually you'll get to the healing stage and be able to begin again in your search for a lifetime partner.

I can give one instance of something akin to your circumstances. I woman I formerly worked with had just gotten married when I started at that business. She told me they'd dated 7 years, and they'd had a discussion that it was either time to marry or time to break up. She didn't go into if he'd been opposed to it previously or not. But he did come in to pick her up after work once, and I got the sense she was a lot more into him than he was into her. It seemed he was trying to sabotage the marriage. For instance, he mentioned to her that I was pretty and she was peeved. And then he demanded she stop smoking, and she tried but would hide her cigarettes since she couldn't stop cold turkey. 

Just an example that even if he agreed to YOUR wish to marry, he'd likely begin pulling stunts like this as well.

I'm sorry this has happened. Hard to realize now, but when you meet a keeper, you'll be happy you exited nowhere land when you did.

[Batya33]

I would not try to convince him to marry you including with an ultimatum. My suggestion of going to him after your internal deadline expires was simply to state that you are leaving and potentially would be open to marriage if he comes to you and you’re still interested and available. If he proposes mostly out of fear of losing you it’s not going to stick or not stick in a healthy way IMO. 

[smackie9]

Leave him. Next time don't wait so long to end it. The sure sign of a man's commitment is his strong involvement of planning...he is actually physically putting putting money away, talk about how many kids he would like, where you would want to raise kids/live, having family involved etc. A ring on your finger within 2 years with a wedding date set. They say if nothing happens after 5 years, then most likely it ain't gonna happen.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would not try to convince him to marry you including with an ultimatum. My suggestion of going to him after your internal deadline expires was simply to state that you are leaving and potentially would be open to marriage if he comes to you and you’re still interested and available. If he proposes mostly out of fear of losing you it’s not going to stick or not stick in a healthy way IMO. 

I agree with this. Most marriages after living together 5 years fail, because by that time it wasn't fully voluntary by one--it was a response to an ultimatum. Then the marriage suffers because one feels hemmed in while the other doesn't trust the union to have been voluntary.

Skip that. Make your plan to leave, line up your new home, then tell him that you are leaving and do it. If you want to keep the door open, as @Batya33 suggested, you can do that, but place your focus forward on cultivating a new life for yourself, because expecting this to be the thing that 'converts' him only sets you up for a deeper disappointment.

If you have family planning in mind, then you are wise to stop investing your best fertility years in someone who doesn't share your vision. It also doesn't serve you to run the narrative in your head that you're not good enough, when it's more accurate to say that this man simply doesn't own the capacity to recognize your unique value--or he's just not as focused on the bio-clock that limits you. The right man for you WILL see and appreciate you. So stay exactly as you are, minus the spin that because one guy isn't right for you, that this must somehow be a reflection on you. It is not.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[AndyPandy]

10 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

What would you do if in my shoes?

Leave - and do it now.

As @TeeDee warned, you could wake up one day and discover that a decade has passed and you will be destroyed with bitterness and recriminations at the time that could've been spent with someone who would've recognised your worth - and the family that you could've had with them.

I've seen this happen with female friends who hoped that if they were patient and persistent enough with men who had a vested interest in avoiding a formalised commitment that marriage and/or children would happen. It never did. Those men wanted to have a woman in their lives on their selfish terms and were indifferent the needs of the women whose lives they were wasting away.

11 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

Most men and women know within the first 6 months if they wanna marry you or not.

Strongly disagree here: the first 12 months are the real getting to know each other phase - and then, if you can still stand the sight of one another after that amount of time has passed, is where you can decide what the future plans should be. Assessing someone as marriage material within the first 6 months is way too soon and liable to lead to bad decisions.

11 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

If after 5years he kept pushing marriage off and making excuses he knew coming into this relationship I wanted marriage and kids.

Then he is contemptible and not a moment further should be wasted on him. Excise this man from your life and no matter what he says or promises, remain firm and strong and keep the door to your life firmly closed to him. Otherwise he will attempt to worm his way back in with empty promises and resume wasting your time.

11 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

He told me that he will be happy with or without me.

Okay, he's signalled that he doesn't care for you at all.

In no way is that meant to be insensitive on my part. Sometimes we need the awful truth to jolt us into taking action. It's really time to move on from him and be with someone who wants you and shares your goals for the future. 

[jul-els]

He says he will be happy with you or without you. Let him be without you. You know in your heart this is not what you want. Don’t waste any more time. 

[Cherylyn]

He has the 'why buy the cow when the milk is free?' mentality.  🙄

He's not husband and family material.  He's not willing to give you legal commitment. 

What would I do if I were in your shoes?  I'd dissolve the relationship,  make my exit and go your separate ways permanently.  Stop wasting your youth on a man who is not serious about you. 

He's stringing you along.  He's telling you what you want to hear at the moment while being insincere.  It's a form of deceit and in many ways, betrayal of your trust in him because he refuses to deliver on his word.  He's playing you for a fool.  ☹️  He does not have intentions to marry you.  This scenario is nothing new. 

In the future,  don't wait so long to discover a man's true unsavory character.  Naivete is no more. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

I feel he is trying to hold me as long as he can just wasting my time he told me that he will be happy with or without me.

This is a 100% true story about one of my best girlfriends and her boyfriend.

One of my best girlfriends went through this same thing with her now-husband.  Dated literally five years same as you although she would NOT live with him without marriage so they lived separately in their own apartments.

Since year ONE she had been talking marriage, after three years, she put the pressure on hard.  Every year, more and more pressure.

They had many many arguments about it, she often came to work in tears!!

I created a thread about it on her behalf on another forum I was a member of at the time and the general advice was to break up with him; if he doesn't want to marry you after two years, he NEVER will.

I was also friends with HIM and talking to HIM, he told me he felt like she didn't truly love him, all she cared about was being married, he felt it could be with anyone, he was essentially a prop, a character in her fantasy of wedding, marriage, babies, forever after.

He was a really good guy, treated her really well and I believed him.

So I had a different idea.  I told her to STOP pressuring him!  STOP talking about it, STOP nagging him about it. 

Choose to simply LOVE him and enjoy what he gives you and the relationship.  She knew he loved her, that was not the issue.  She just wanted to be married dammit!! 😀

Anyway, long story short, she took my advice and STOPPED pressuring him.  She stopped talking about it altogether.  

Through her new actions and way of relating, he finally felt loved for HIM not because she needed to be married.  That year was actually the BEST year of their relationship in the five years they had been dating! 

One year later, he literally got down on one knee and proposed, they had an absolutely beautiful wedding a year after that, moved to Colorado (from CA) purchased a beautiful home and now have two beautiful kids!! 

That said, I reference the above quoted in bold.  If I may ask, in what context did he say this?  Was it during an argument about getting married?  

It wasn't a kind thing to say but we don't know the context or how HE was feeling when he said it.

I will say that pressuring someone, talking about it ad nauseum which in their mind may feel like nagging is NOT the way to provide clarity (or desire) to the person, in this case him.

He's going to recoil from that and end up NOT giving you what you want.

100% true story about my friend, take from it what you will.

Good luck. 

[MissCanuck]

It's time to end it. 

You already know you two don't want the same thing out of this. Going to him about it yet again is likely to change nothing. 

You know what to do. 

[Kwothe28]

21 hours ago, Crissy_69 said:

What would you do if in my shoes?

Learn to use "comma" properly because reading this was painful.

Anyway, he doesnt "hold" you. You are holding yourself with somebody who clearly is fine with "status quo" and doesnt care if he gets married or has kids. And you clearly do. So yes, its time to leave.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Learn to use "comma" properly because reading this was painful.

Anyway, he doesnt "hold" you. You are holding yourself with somebody who clearly is fine with "status quo" and doesnt care if he gets married or has kids. And you clearly do. So yes, its time to leave.

Yes and particularly given your ticking clock (can you freeze your eggs) I'd make the choice to leave soon as possible.