Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

[LovelyRoses]

Ok so I was dating a guy. He was hot and cold behaviour very confusing which made me anxious. We did get along well and he seemed interested on dates but Then he ends things and says he doesn’t feel romantic. 

Then 2 months later, he wants to catch up as friends. We go for drinks and he talks about how well we get along. The week after, he asks me if I’d like to go play golf at a driving range with him. It was nice but felt weird meeting someone I used to date. Then he’s always active on Instagram in the evenings, sending me lots of memes and reels and stuff like that. 

Then the other day, I was browsing the Facebook page of a bar me and him had our third date, and saw a photo of him the day after he dumped me with another woman. Made me feel a bit sad

But I had a few curiosities. He deleted his dating apps after he ended things with me, but then when we hang out, he’s not mentioned dating any woman. In fact he’s just talked about how ‘it’s hard in your late 20s, can’t sleep around like your early 20s.’

If he was dating another woman seriously, surely he wouldn’t be messaging me? I know we’re just friends but If I was dating a guy and I found out he was meeting up with someone he dated, going for drinks with her and gigs and taking her to golf, I wouldn’t be very happy. He hasn’t followed any other women since me on Instagram so I thought if he was dating someone he would have followed her

Asking because I don’t want to be disrespectful if he is dating, I feel sorry for the woman if he is. I don’t know if he will be honest with me if I ask 

Maybe some guys like lots of casual female attention even as friends? Like he often went to dinner with female friends but part of me wonders how likely it was that they were actually just friends?

 

[tattoobunnie]

If a dude makes you anxious, listen to your body; it's not love.  It doesn't matter if he is dating someone or not. He's already told you, "doesn’t feel romantic."  Which is weird, and unnecessarily  He's hanging out with you because he's bored, and waiting for his next conquest.

Dating or friendship should be this complicated. 

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

If a dude makes you anxious, listen to your body; it's not love.  It doesn't matter if he is dating someone or not. He's already told you, "doesn’t feel romantic."  Which is weird, and unnecessarily  He's hanging out with you because he's bored, and waiting for his next conquest.

Dating or friendship should be this complicated. 

I know. But I just worry he date someone else when we hang out. Does he sound like the kinda guy who just want casual, is that a thing? Does it even sound like he dating any woman seriously? 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I know. But I just worry he date someone else when we hang out. Does he sound like the kinda guy who just want casual, is that a thing? Does it even sound like he dating any woman seriously? 

It only matters if prefer to be a placeholder

I would stop hanging out with him; you are tunnel-visioning, meaning you won't be open to finding the right one for you, cuz you are hanging out with this clown.

[LovelyRoses]

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

It only matters if prefer to be a placeholder

I would stop hanging out with him; you are tunnel-visioning, meaning you won't be open to finding the right one for you, cuz you are hanging out with this clown.

I might stop speaking to him now.

im just trying to understand casual dating. Do men really use you if they are bored? He seems genuine and nice in person. Am I right to assume he’s probs not dating someone else 

[TeeDee]

Both you & he are misusing the word "friends".  You started out dating but claim that fizzled.  Now you "hang out."  You don't.  Those encounters are Dutch treat dates without a label.  It doesn't change the inherent nature of the encounter.  

He's bread crumbing you, using you for companionship.    

Do what you like but understand the opportunity costs here:  the more time you spend with him in this "situationship" the less time you are devoting to find a man who actually wants to date you.   Once you or he find a true SO, this whatever it is, will have to end.  

[tattoobunnie]

5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Do men really use you if they are bored?

Some men do.  This guy, yes.  

"it’s hard in your late 20s, can’t sleep around like your early 20s." means I want to sleep around, but most women are pairing up at this age.

If you really want to find someone, stop hanging out with a clown like this.  

A person you are casually dating is taking the time to get to know someone, and moving at a leisurely pace to do so, while maybe dating others.   A person you are casually dating will never say, "I don't have romantic feeling for you," at any point.  He already told you up front, that you will never be the one.

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Both you & he are misusing the word "friends".  You started out dating but claim that fizzled.  Now you "hang out."  You don't.  Those encounters are Dutch treat dates without a label.  It doesn't change the inherent nature of the encounter.  

He's bread crumbing you, using you for companionship.    

Do what you like but understand the opportunity costs here:  the more time you spend with him in this "situationship" the less time you are devoting to find a man who actually wants to date you.   Once you or he find a true SO, this whatever it is, will have to end.  

It is strictly platonic now. He’s not inviting me over and not kissing me so it’s not really a situationship 

what I have been confused by is the frequency he messages me lately. Sending lots of reels to watch etc. But then he’s stopped messaging me for the last 10 days. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

he’s stopped messaging me for the last 10 days. 

He found someone else to hang out with.  Please give this dude the heave ho from your life

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

He found someone else to hang out with.  Please give this dude the heave ho from your life

I hope it doesn’t mean I’m not good enough 😕 I thought he genuinely wanted me as a friend 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I hope it doesn’t mean I’m not good enough 😕 I thought he genuinely wanted me as a friend 

That's not the point.  You do realize just because a relationship doesn't work doesn't mean you weren't enough.  It doesn't matter if you are the hottest or weirdest or whatever.  Not everyone is right for each other.  It doesn't matter if he wants to be your casual friend.  He's wasting your time.  You don't this kind of "friend".

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I hope it doesn’t mean I’m not good enough 😕 I thought he genuinely wanted me as a friend 

Why do you jump to not being "good enough"?

How is your self esteem in general? Do you think highly of yourself? How frequently do you see your friends (real friends)? What things are you involved in socially?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

 😕. Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

All you need to ask yourself is it appropriate for you,. It seems he might like a harem of women to choose from and keeps them around with the type of breadcrumbs he sends you, but it's up to you if you want to be part of that or have your own BF. 

[LovelyRoses]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you need to ask yourself is it appropriate for you,. It seems he might like a harem of women to choose from and keeps them around with the type of breadcrumbs he sends you, but it's up to you if you want to be part of that or have your own BF. 

Do men really do that? It baffles me! Feels so strange some guys would do that 

[LovelyRoses]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you jump to not being "good enough"?

How is your self esteem in general? Do you think highly of yourself? How frequently do you see your friends (real friends)? What things are you involved in socially?

Self esteem goes up and down, especially with hormones. I see my friends from time to time but everyone has busy lives. I do volunteering socially but I just meet women 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

If he was dating another woman seriously, surely he wouldn’t be messaging me?

But if he breaks up with her how would he have backup if its not for you?

He literally left you so he can date somebody else. And still keeps you there. We told you before that you should just delete and block the guy but he seems to have some power over you as you fell for him hard. So enjoy being on a bench just in case he ever changes his mind. And enjoy looking his Instagram pics with her.

[yogacat]

I had a date with a man and afterwards I did not feel like I wanted to date him and I said as such. We hung out a few times and I would not want to have continued to if I thought he was dating someone else. He's asked me to hang out since then and I declined because I don't want the potential for things to get icky.

You could try talking to him about how you feel and asking for clarification on his current dating status, but ultimately it is up to you to decide if you are comfortable continuing a friendship with him. I think if you have lingering feelings for him, it might be best to distance yourself for a while until you can move on.

[smackie9]

This dude is shady as $%^&.

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

But if he breaks up with her how would he have backup if its not for you?

He literally left you so he can date somebody else. And still keeps you there. We told you before that you should just delete and block the guy but he seems to have some power over you as you fell for him hard. So enjoy being on a bench just in case he ever changes his mind. And enjoy looking his Instagram pics with her.

Men really keep girls as backup? That’s shocking! I don’t get the impression he dating anyone serious now though, I really don’t 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Ok so I was dating a guy. He was hot and cold behaviour very confusing which made me anxious. We did get along well and he seemed interested on dates but Then he ends things and says he doesn’t feel romantic. 

Unfortunately he's still hot and cold and making you anxious. It sounds like you didn't want to be demoted to FWB or standby status but you went along with it anyway.

He wants to play the field and if you are willing to play along, fine. But it sounds like you would like a BF who's interested in you.

I seems  you're  trying to figure out if he's seeing someone else because you haven't accepted the breakup. But why be a backup plan? 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

Men really keep girls as backup? That’s shocking! I don’t get the impression he dating anyone serious now though, I really don’t 

Not just men. Some people do that. My ex would ALWAYS call his exes every time he and his current girlfriend got into a fight. He wanted someone to give him attention and soothing so he could feel better about himself. He also kept up contact on a "just in case" basis, in case he wanted them around in the future to use for his own purposes. When everything was going well in his life, however, or he had a girlfriend he wanted to focus on he ignored all the others. 

So yes, some people do this. You can do what I did, which was to ignore him when he reached out wanting to use me to feel better. I eventually changed my number and didn't give it to him so he could no longer contact me. Worked like a charm.

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he's still hot and cold and making you anxious. It sounds like you didn't want to be demoted to FWB or standby status but you went along with it anyway.

He wants to play the field and if you are willing to play along, fine. But it sounds like you would like a BF who's interested in you.

I seems  you're  trying to figure out if he's seeing someone else because you haven't accepted the breakup. But why be a backup plan? 

Do men really keep women as backup plans, that’s awful and I can’t make sense of it? I don’t think he’s dating anyone else. And no I don’t accept it, I think he’s being silly as we have a good connection and lots in common

[yogacat]

You don't know what this guy's motives are. All you know is he isn't interested in anything more and you are. 

So if you don't want to accept a friendship back away now. If you're okay being friends then you can continue seeing him like you would any other friend.

Just don't invest too much into him is all. If he genuinely wants friendship, look for reciprocation. Don't be overly available any more to him than he is to you. Don't go on solo outings with him and texting him whenever you feel like it and scale things back to a normal friend level where it's a balanced effort on both your parts before moving into friends territory completely. 

But if you don't want friendship then just tell him no thanks.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Feels so strange some guys would do that 

Have you met men before? 

[catfeeder]

Whether a guy were to date or not date anyone else, I certainly wouldn't be interested in playing friendzies with any guy who stopped dating me.