Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Whether a guy were to date or not date anyone else, I certainly wouldn't be interested in playing friendzies with any guy who stopped dating me.

What if he was the most beautiful man you’ve ever laid eyes on. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This dude is shady as $%^&.

Yes- it's cringey- and worse -the comment he made to you about sleeping around.  Ick.  

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

What if he was the most beautiful man you’ve ever laid eyes on. 

I don't value that especially when he's whining about the fact that somehow it's harder in your late 20s to bed multiple random women.  Still think he's "beautiful??"

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

What if he was the most beautiful man you’ve ever laid eyes on. 

If you want him for yourself, that ship sailed when he said he doesn't have romantic intentions. 

[LovelyRoses]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't value that especially when he's whining about the fact that somehow it's harder in your late 20s to bed multiple random women.  Still think he's "beautiful??"

He was more talking about how he can’t sleep around like early 20s , as he’s got to think longer term now 

though during dates, he constantly used to talk about how hot the actresses were in movies we were watching. I never liked that and I wonder if it was done on purpose. Perhaps he was insecure and wanted a reaction from me which I never gave him btw! I just told him to shut up

[Andrina]

5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He was more talking about how he can’t sleep around like early 20s , as he’s got to think longer term now 

though during dates, he constantly used to talk about how hot the actresses were in movies we were watching. I never liked that and I wonder if it was done on purpose. Perhaps he was insecure and wanted a reaction from me which I never gave him btw! I just told him to shut up

I don't really think he cared what you thought about what he was saying, nor had any ulterior motive in saying these things. People talk about what interests them. It's on his mind, so he has diarrhea of the mouth about a subject he should know someone he's dating wouldn't enjoy hearing. Everyone notices attractive actors, but in his case, he overdoes it so that it's more like ogling. And most people enjoy sex but it's clear his view doesn't value the pros of a longterm relationship. He rather laments flings, which normally becomes shallow to most who've been there and done that.

Why you enjoy someone's company like this is mind-boggling. It's like he's a piece of poo wrapped in a pretty bow. There are actually people who are as pretty on the inside as they are on the outside. Isn't that a better goal than being buddies with someone who will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he dates the next woman, dumb if she can actually stand him.

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, Andrina said:

I don't really think he cared what you thought about what he was saying, nor had any ulterior motive in saying these things. People talk about what interests them. It's on his mind, so he has diarrhea of the mouth about a subject he should know someone he's dating wouldn't enjoy hearing. Everyone notices attractive actors, but in his case, he overdoes it so that it's more like ogling. And most people enjoy sex but it's clear his view doesn't value the pros of a longterm relationship. He rather laments flings, which normally becomes shallow to most who've been there and done that.

Why you enjoy someone's company like this is mind-boggling. It's like he's a piece of poo wrapped in a pretty bow. There are actually people who are as pretty on the inside as they are on the outside. Isn't that a better goal than being buddies with someone who will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he dates the next woman, dumb if she can actually stand him.

Ok this guy is amazing to talk to. Intelligent and intellectual, our conversations are so fun and creative and we have loads in common. Hence I like him. He’s successful and dependable, mature and is a kind man. I was sad when he ended things as I think he did it too soon

he did take me out to do a daytime activity a few weeks ago. He was hugging me a lot and telling me how well we got along. He kept touching me subtly but I don’t think he was aware of that. Then he was messaging me a lot in the week, but then as soon as he started his new job, he’s dropped off the scene and I haven’t heard from him for weeks. Maybe that’s normal for friendship. I’ve just never had a relationship and I’m 30 and I meet loads and loads of men and it’s always the same 

 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He was more talking about how he can’t sleep around like early 20s , as he’s got to think longer term now 

though during dates, he constantly used to talk about how hot the actresses were in movies we were watching. I never liked that and I wonder if it was done on purpose. Perhaps he was insecure and wanted a reaction from me which I never gave him btw! I just told him to shut up

I agree with Andrina’s analysis. He chose to sleep around and share about it. Some men and women do that - at any age - and some don’t.  It’s absolutely not a given. My husband and I didn’t. My niece is in her late 20s and has only been with her husband. And he’s choosing to make these comments about having sex and who is hot because that’s what interests him and as Andrina wrote he’s not filtering with you or being selective because you’re not someone he sees a future with. “Mom Dad this is (special lady ). I knew she was the one because I could tell her which women I found hot and that I realized I was getting too old to bed random women. Once I realized that I met her and figured ok she’ll do “

[boltnrun]

You don't want to be "friends". You want to be in a romantic committed relationship with him.

It's really going to hurt when he tells you in detail about the women he's dating. And hurt even worse when he tells you about the amazing woman he's fallen in love with. 

Why put yourself through that? Why not find a man who thinks YOU are the most amazing woman and who actually wants to be in a love relationship with you? You won't find him as long as you're lurking around hoping this rude, insensitive guy somehow picks you. 

[LovelyRoses]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't want to be "friends". You want to be in a romantic committed relationship with him.

It's really going to hurt when he tells you in detail about the women he's dating. And hurt even worse when he tells you about the amazing woman he's fallen in love with. 

Why put yourself through that? Why not find a man who thinks YOU are the most amazing woman and who actually wants to be in a love relationship with you? You won't find him as long as you're lurking around hoping this rude, insensitive guy somehow picks you. 

Because men never want me 

i was suppose to go on a date tomorrow, and he hasnt confirmed this evening. He started sending me a message saying ‘ohhh I don’t think I’m going to be good enough for you, you’re hot.’ And now this guy has disappeared 

it’s always like this for me. I sit back and men just make no effort and ghost me. I’m friendly and make an effort with conversation

the last guy said a few things that might be insensitive but honestly most men do, no man is perfect. I’ve never had a relationship before and I’m 30 and men just don’t chase me. I try bettering and bettering myself, I’m super independent and a very confident woman but now I’m scared men don’t want that 

 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

the last guy said a few things that might be insensitive but honestly most men do

No, they don't. 

I have no idea where you're meeting these men but they do not represent every single man on the planet. 

How do you meet men? On dating sites?

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No, they don't. 

I have no idea where you're meeting these men but they do not represent every single man on the planet. 

How do you meet men? On dating sites?

Dating sites. In real life I don’t get approached, men just stare. The last dates beofre I met this guy, the guys were literally saying things like ‘I don’t know why you’re on a date with me, I’m Ugly.’ And that’s a turn off for me 

this last guy was confident and he took care of me when he was with me. I felt safe and looked after. He cooked me nice meals. Even as friends now, he always picks up the phone when I need help with something 

[NighttimeNightmare]

You sound like you need the validation of men wanting you to make it through life 

why is that?

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Men really keep girls as backup? That’s shocking! I don’t get the impression he dating anyone serious now though, I really don’t 

How would you know if he has not been texting you for 10 days?

[MissCanuck]

Whether or not this guy is seeing someone else isn't that relevant, OP. 

The point is that he doesn't want to take it further with you. You are having a lot of diffculty letting go of this and you are essentially asking the same questions over and over in your threads. It isn't getting you anywhere because the bottom line hasn't changed - he doesn't want a relationship with you. 

And if it's been 10 days since you last heard from him, you need to understand that someone else probably has his attention now anyway. Being "friends" with him is a terrible idea since it will keep you stuck and hurt you when you find out that he has met someone else and is dating her. 

 

[LovelyRoses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Whether or not this guy is seeing someone else isn't that relevant, OP. 

The point is that he doesn't want to take it further with you. You are having a lot of diffculty letting go of this and you are essentially asking the same questions over and over in your threads. It isn't getting you anywhere because the bottom line hasn't changed - he doesn't want a relationship with you. 

And if it's been 10 days since you last heard from him, you need to understand that someone else probably has his attention now anyway. Being "friends" with him is a terrible idea since it will keep you stuck and hurt you when you find out that he has met someone else and is dating her. 

 

Or thing, he’s moving away this week and starts a job next week and he told me he is stressed. I doubt he is dating anyone rn if he moves 3 hours away

[TeeDee]

You are the common denominator in all of this.  You meet some guy.  You go on dates but then nothing.  

I don't know how but somehow you are letting this happen.  It's hard to say from here.  You don't have enough insight into your own behavior to help me see through the internet what you are doing. 

This guy may be the most beautiful man you have ever seen & it's fine that you want to date him.  Problem is he isn't indicating that he wants to date you.  He's moving 3 hours away.  As bad as this is now, it's worse as an LDR.  Of course he's stressed.  Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do.  

Do you have any close friends or family who have observed you through the years who may be able to give you insight into why this keeps happening?   I once had to tell a dear friend that her relationships keep falling apart because she had a tendency to expect her new BFs would behave like her sister's husband of 10 years.  The BFs bolted because t was too soon for that level of obligation & reliance.   When she stopped expecting new men in her life to initially behave like a husband the men stuck around & eventually after many months they were able to be more reliable.  

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Or thing, he’s moving away this week and starts a job next week and he told me he is stressed. I doubt he is dating anyone rn if he moves 3 hours away

Why not? I started dating my husband when we knew he was leaving town for months for his job -2-3 hour plane flight -we knew each other from the past and chose to make a go of it.  Never assume about what people are willing to do if they meet someone interesting/special. I had a friend who just found out she was approved to adopt a baby. 

That weekend she went to a wedding in another state.  There she met this awesome guy.  He lived nowhere near her but they clicked and had mutual friends.  So they decided to make a go of it and she told him right away about the adoption -imagine -distance and -a baby! - but he was up for it.  They married and have a family - 9 years ago -you never know.  She never expected to meet a man and certainly not in that situation!

[boltnrun]

You're trying to talk us into believing he wants to be with you in a romantic relationship. But who are you really trying to convince?

It makes no sense to keep yourself available and attached to someone who not only said he isn't going to be in a relationship with you but who is moving far away. 

No matter how "beautiful" you find him, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same thing.

I get you're frustrated because you haven't met anyone interesting yet. But this situation is just going to result in even more frustration and disappointment. 

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You're trying to talk us into believing he wants to be with you in a romantic relationship. But who are you really trying to convince?

It makes no sense to keep yourself available and attached to someone who not only said he isn't going to be in a relationship with you but who is moving far away. 

No matter how "beautiful" you find him, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same thing.

I get you're frustrated because you haven't met anyone interesting yet. But this situation is just going to result in even more frustration and disappointment. 

I’m not I’m just trying to understand men for the future. I’m honest I’m moving on. 
 

im also confused if a man didn’t want anything serious, why did he hold my hands across the table at dinners or in the theatre and kiss my forehead. Seems strange to me 

[LovelyRoses]

4 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You are the common denominator in all of this.  You meet some guy.  You go on dates but then nothing.  

I don't know how but somehow you are letting this happen.  It's hard to say from here.  You don't have enough insight into your own behavior to help me see through the internet what you are doing. 

This guy may be the most beautiful man you have ever seen & it's fine that you want to date him.  Problem is he isn't indicating that he wants to date you.  He's moving 3 hours away.  As bad as this is now, it's worse as an LDR.  Of course he's stressed.  Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do.  

Do you have any close friends or family who have observed you through the years who may be able to give you insight into why this keeps happening?   I once had to tell a dear friend that her relationships keep falling apart because she had a tendency to expect her new BFs would behave like her sister's husband of 10 years.  The BFs bolted because t was too soon for that level of obligation & reliance.   When she stopped expecting new men in her life to initially behave like a husband the men stuck around & eventually after many months they were able to be more reliable.  

Well my friends reckon it’s the type of man I go for rather than anything I’m doing. I’m friendly and supportive to these men I date, I don’t argue, I’m not toxic, I’m caring. I’m also relaxed and not afraid to plan fun dates myself. 
 

I do feel nervous in dating but who doesn’t? My friends say even when I say I’m nervous I come across confidently. And I have to really try to ask questions rather than just talking about random stuff. I kinda just go with the flow have fun on dates and forget to ask the deeper questions. So I keep maybe blaming myself why a deeper connection doesnt develop but maybe the connection just isn’t there with these men

Perhaps I just have to keep trying. I asked this recent guy if I did anything wrong, and my ex and they said ‘no it’s not you, you’re great, it’s my own issues. It’s nothing bad.’ 
 

When I don’t fancy a guy, I have a lot more firmer boundaries. When I like a man, I feel I relax them. I’m less firm with these men. And that’s out of fear they might think I’m problematic and leave 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’m less firm with these men. And that’s out of fear they might think I’m problematic and leave

That's the opposite of confident. 

And it's probably why you're struggling. You're so focused on getting these men to like you you're forgetting to determine if YOU like THEM and if they're right for you.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's the opposite of confident. 

And it's probably why you're struggling. You're so focused on getting these men to like you you're forgetting to determine if YOU like THEM and if they're right for you.

Yes and also learning how to argue in a productive, solutionizing way  with a close friend and especially a long term romantic partner to me is very important.  It's not a negative.  You're inevitably going to disagree on certain things and you'll have to learn how  to resolve disagreements.  Some of which will involve arguing.  My husband I just had an argument this morning and resolved it.  I feel really -clean and good about it!

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's the opposite of confident. 

And it's probably why you're struggling. You're so focused on getting these men to like you you're forgetting to determine if YOU like THEM and if they're right for you.

I do like them though. Like this happens after the point I’ve decided they have a nice personality. This last guy I felt like he had the power though and it’s something I really struggled with. I never tried to make him like me, I’m actually really proud that I showed up really authentically to him. I didn’t chase him (cause that’s not my vibe either). I was honest and communicative, just wish I was firmer. 

Like is this firm enough? He was visiting my home town for a training course. I then asked him if we are down to meetup to which he replied that he will be networking in the evening, what am I thinking? And I replied ‘ok, you’re going to have to help me out here because you will know better regarding timings. I can’t really come up with ideas if I don’t know what your availability is.’ I wish I was a bit firmer but I did try .

and on the third date I said ‘I’m looking for a serious relationship and it would be lying if I said I was happy to settle with casual or a fling.’

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and also learning how to argue in a productive, solutionizing way  with a close friend and especially a long term romantic partner to me is very important.  It's not a negative.  You're inevitably going to disagree on certain things and you'll have to learn how  to resolve disagreements.  Some of which will involve arguing.  My husband I just had an argument this morning and resolved it.  I feel really -clean and good about it!

Of course, arguing is important. But me and him only had 5 dates so I didn’t want to argue yet. I wanted to keep it light and friendly. At times I was blunt. He said he respected my bluntness.