Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

[Batya33]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

Of course, arguing is important. But me and him only had 5 dates so I didn’t want to argue yet. I wanted to keep it light and friendly. At times I was blunt. He said he respected my bluntness. 

I'm confused -are they dates -romantic dates? I thought he said he's not into you that way. I get that once you're close friends  you act differently but sounds like you think that "guys" are a certain way and you have to heavily adapt how you act to accommodate them.

[LovelyRoses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm confused -are they dates -romantic dates? I thought he said he's not into you that way. I get that once you're close friends  you act differently but sounds like you think that "guys" are a certain way and you have to heavily adapt how you act to accommodate them.

When we were ‘dating’ I assume they were romantic dates before he ended things and said the romantic aspect wasn’t coming through for him, whatever that meant. So like dinners out, theatre, activities like escape rooms, going to watch a sports match, having a ghost tour. 
 

whether he was just lonely and needed someone to do things with . He did say he was looking for companionship 

then we reconnected 3 months later as friends. Doing some activities again but platonic. Then he has stopped messaging me 

I don’t really change how I act at all. I feel I show up authentically. It’s just when we were dating his communication style made me rather anxious. Taking days to reply. I first started to ask why he does that. Then he changed a bit and I observed that, then I was confused again and struggled to know how to communicative my own frustrations. So I became soft like ‘it would be really nice and I’d like it if we talked a bit more, it would make me feel more connected to you.’ Instead of being more harsh and firm. It was hard to know what approach to take 

[Jaunty]

You really need to let go of this trying to understand WHY these guys do what they do.

If you are goal oriented when you are dating, you need to be coming from a place of:  "Is this going in the direction I want it to go?"

You are NEVER going to figure out the "whys" of a guy you truly do not even know in any depth and never will - because you don't have a longstanding and deep relationship with him.  

You had FIVE DATES with him.   You don't know him at all.  

It takes years of knowing someone before you can come close to understand what makes them tick, and even then you won't understand all of it.

This one showed you very early in the short time you were engaging with him that he was NOT aiming for the same thing you were,  at least not with you.   

Please don't take it personally.  He just wasn't.  

If a guy tells you he's not feeling it, and you wanted things to go further, STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM.  

 

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

When we were ‘dating’ I assume they were romantic dates before he ended things and said the romantic aspect wasn’t coming through for him, whatever that meant. So like dinners out, theatre, activities like escape rooms, going to watch a sports match, having a ghost tour. 
 

whether he was just lonely and needed someone to do things with . He did say he was looking for companionship 

then we reconnected 3 months later as friends. Doing some activities again but platonic. Then he has stopped messaging me 

I don’t really change how I act at all. I feel I show up authentically. It’s just when we were dating his communication style made me rather anxious. Taking days to reply. I first started to ask why he does that. Then he changed a bit and I observed that, then I was confused again and struggled to know how to communicative my own frustrations. So I became soft like ‘it would be really nice and I’d like it if we talked a bit more, it would make me feel more connected to you.’ Instead of being more harsh and firm. It was hard to know what approach to take 

Maybe I’m just being a bit self critical and I did ok, we just weren’t a match 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

When we were ‘dating’ I assume they were romantic dates before he ended things and said the romantic aspect wasn’t coming through for him, whatever that meant. So like dinners out, theatre, activities like escape rooms, going to watch a sports match, having a ghost tour. 
 

whether he was just lonely and needed someone to do things with . He did say he was looking for companionship 

then we reconnected 3 months later as friends. Doing some activities again but platonic. Then he has stopped messaging me 

I don’t really change how I act at all. I feel I show up authentically. It’s just when we were dating his communication style made me rather anxious. Taking days to reply. I first started to ask why he does that. Then he changed a bit and I observed that, then I was confused again and struggled to know how to communicative my own frustrations. So I became soft like ‘it would be really nice and I’d like it if we talked a bit more, it would make me feel more connected to you.’ Instead of being more harsh and firm. It was hard to know what approach to take 

Is this the man you reached out to to pursue after he stopped talking to you for a few months? Maybe communicate better with yourself -I mean honestly.  You're going to great lengths to play at detective, therapist, what "men" think when the answer is very simple -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  You are lying to yourself about his intentions.  Because you're afraid of feeling rejected/being "alone"

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Is this the man you reached out to to pursue after he stopped talking to you for a few months? Maybe communicate better with yourself -I mean honestly.  You're going to great lengths to play at detective, therapist, what "men" think when the answer is very simple -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  You are lying to yourself about his intentions.  Because you're afraid of feeling rejected/being "alone"

I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘pain’. I’ve never been a pain to him. Only a supportive person. 
 

He’s pulled back now but he does check in from time to time. We both learning to make bread and he sent me some of his sourdough starter the other day, and sent me some tips. That’s kinda nice. I maybe should be reassured he at least likes me as a person somewhat. 
 

Think I’m just feeling fragile after a bereavement and lonely and being critical of myself that people don’t like me 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘pain’. I’ve never been a pain to him. Only a supportive person. 
 

He’s pulled back now but he does check in from time to time. We both learning to make bread and he sent me some of his sourdough starter the other day, and sent me some tips. That’s kinda nice. I maybe should be reassured he at least likes me as a person somewhat. 
 

Think I’m just feeling fragile after a bereavement and lonely and being critical of myself that people don’t like me 

No you are not a pain -where in the world did you think that? You are not a pain.  It would not be pleasurable for him to date you with potential for a relationship so he chooses not to.  Nothing to do with guys.  It's just common sense -you live your life that way I'm sure -you do things and make choices that align with pleasure -or the promise of it- rather than choices that are painful or not pleasurable.  

I'm sorry you're feeling vulnerable and fragile!  I'd avoid being overly supportive in a situation where you want something out of the interaction that the other person doesn't want with you- like here.  

[LovelyRoses]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No you are not a pain -where in the world did you think that? You are not a pain.  It would not be pleasurable for him to date you with potential for a relationship so he chooses not to.  Nothing to do with guys.  It's just common sense -you live your life that way I'm sure -you do things and make choices that align with pleasure -or the promise of it- rather than choices that are painful or not pleasurable.  

I'm sorry you're feeling vulnerable and fragile!  I'd avoid being overly supportive in a situation where you want something out of the interaction that the other person doesn't want with you- like here.  

I just felt like I might have got my first boyfriend. Did a lot of self help books and other things and I felt like my best self when I met him. When he matched me, he superliked me and it was all exciting. My friends said when I was dating him I seemed happy and I was. I just didn’t know he would give me hot and cold behaviour. I reckon he just wasn’t ready for any serious kind of relationship. He loves his solo travel every few weeks, he’s very independent.

I hope I will find someone else that will like me. I do like myself but rejection stings and makes me wonder is what I like about myself even real? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Or thing, he’s moving away this week and starts a job next week and he told me he is stressed.

He told you from the beginning that he's moving, but you seem to want more even though after 5 dates he was clear he doesn't want a relationship. 

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

What if he was the most beautiful man you’ve ever laid eyes on. 

All the more reason to stay away from him and not relegate yourself to a scrap heap of women hovering on the outside of his romantic life pretending to be his friend. That only sets you up for a second rejection when he takes up with someone else.

Think.

[LovelyRoses]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

All the more reason to stay away from him and not relegate yourself to a scrap heap of women hovering on the outside of his romantic life pretending to be his friend. That only sets you up for a second rejection when he takes up with someone else.

Think.

Pretending to be friends?

this evening he’s started sending me funny reels and memes on instagram again. Don’t know why he chooses to do this sometimes. He’s just moved to a new city for his new job. The city is my home town but he said he doesn’t know anyone there .I’m getting used for loneliness?

 

[LovelyRoses]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He told you from the beginning that he's moving, but you seem to want more even though after 5 dates he was clear he doesn't want a relationship. 

No he lost his job a few dates in. But he wasn’t sure he would move back to his home country. He starts a new job now but a few hours away but it’s weirdly in the village that my parents live. Small world

[catfeeder]

47 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I do like myself but rejection stings and makes me wonder is what I like about myself even real? 

Try thinking of rejection like two equally valid puzzle pieces that don't fit together. Neither is 'better' or 'worse' than the other, they both add the same value to the overall scheme of things, and one doesn't influence the value of the other--they just don't belong together. 

If you can impersonalize it that way, you can understand that your job is to move forward and find the one who DOES fit with you. And you'll likely need to try fitting with many others before finding that fit, so buckle up and learn how to view rejection as the limited vision of another person rather than as any reflection on you.

You're fine as you are. The right person for you will see you through the right lens for the fit to happen. You'll enjoy feeling that mutual 'click' of simpatico. You'll thank yourself for not wasting time hovering around a bad fit who only wants to mess with you to feed his own ego.

Head high.

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Pretending to be friends?

Yes. Friendship is not your agenda, you want more.

Quote

...I’m getting used for loneliness?

Or for his own ego, or whatever. He's already rejected romance with you. Keeping you around serves his purposes, not yours.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

 weirdly in the village that my parents live. Small world

So you like to see this as kismet? You've started several threads about this with the same argumentive questions and replies almost as if you are fishing for specific reassurances. 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You're trying to talk us into believing he wants to be with you in a romantic relationship. But who are you really trying to convince?

It makes no sense to keep yourself available and attached to someone who not only said he isn't going to be in a relationship with you but who is moving far away. 

No matter how "beautiful" you find him, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same thing.

I get you're frustrated because you haven't met anyone interesting yet. But this situation is just going to result in even more frustration and disappointment. 

 

[LovelyRoses]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Try thinking of rejection like two equally valid puzzle pieces that don't fit together. Neither is 'better' or 'worse' than the other, they both add the same value to the overall scheme of things, and one doesn't influence the value of the other--they just don't belong together. 

If you can impersonalize it that way, you can understand that your job is to move forward and find the one who DOES fit with you. And you'll likely need to try fitting with many others before finding that fit, so buckle up and learn how to view rejection as the limited vision of another person rather than as any reflection on you.

You're fine as you are. The right person for you will see you through the right lens for the fit to happen. You'll enjoy feeling that mutual 'click' of simpatico. You'll thank yourself for not wasting time hovering around a bad fit who only wants to mess with you to feed his own ego.

Head high.

I know I know thank you for this though.

it’s just more confusing when the whole time we were dating, he kept acknowledging how well we get along together. And then the last time we hung out, he told me he’s missed me as we ‘get along so well and we’re just like each other.’ 
 

and then I just think, if we get along so well, why aren’t we together? I don’t get on well with anyone as much as I do him 

[yogacat]

Your concern shouldn't be whether he's dating someone else or do men do x, y, and z, your concern should be why you are holding on to a man who has clearly displayed his lack or romantic interest in you?

STOP PLAYING YOURSELF

But this is also why we’re confused, because if he’s not dating anyone else and he dumps you he seems to just want to test the water or see if he can be friends because he does like messaging lots.

He doesn't need to be dating someone else for him to dump you it's normal that when someone says they don't want you that they don't want you no matter why he still wants to message. So you are now his friend all of a sudden c'mon you are letting him think he's in control of your feelings now time to take control of how you feel cut him loose don't wait until he finds someone else to finally wake up.

[catfeeder]

25 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

... if we get along so well, why aren’t we together? I don’t get on well with anyone as much as I do him 

I get along with plenty of people with zero romantic interest. But if I knew that they were romantically interested in me, I wouldn't pursue a friendship because their agenda would be something more.

I get along well with my neighbors, my coworkers, people at the grocery store, and I have plenty of friends I'd never date. None of this speaks of a link to a romantic interest. If you play friendzies with someone who has rejected you romantically, then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I'd tell this guy that I enjoy him, but I also like him as more than a friend. That's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he'd like to pursue a committed romantic relationship, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Boom! Done. You've left the door open to romance if he ever decides he wants to go there, but you've liberated yourself from wasting your time trying to read tea leaves in everything he says because you have a crush on him that's not mutual.

Head high.

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I get along with plenty of people with zero romantic interest. But if I knew that they were romantically interested in me, I wouldn't pursue a friendship because their agenda would be something more.

I get along well with my neighbors, my coworkers, people at the grocery store, and I have plenty of friends I'd never date. None of this speaks of a link to a romantic interest. If you play friendzies with someone who has rejected you romantically, then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I'd tell this guy that I enjoy him, but I also like him as more than a friend. That's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he'd like to pursue a committed romantic relationship, he can let me know. I'f I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Boom! Done. You've left the door open to romance if he ever decides he wants to go there, but you've liberated yourself from wasting your time trying to read tea leaves in everything he says because you have a crush on him that's not mutual.

Head high.

But that’s the thing I have lots of friends but no one interested in me romantically. It’s never happened and I’m 30 hence I was excited for this guy, especially when he held my hand, I’ve never held a man’s hand before and that was just lovely! And I don’t understand how that isn’t romantic 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

 the last time we hung out, he told me he’s missed me as we ‘get along so well and we’re just like each other.’ and then I just think, if we get along so well, why aren’t we together? 

When did you actually last see each other? This is the guy who was going to move to NZ because he missed his family but got a job in the UK? And for some reason you think it's a sign that you should be together? 

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did you actually last see each other? This is the guy who was going to move to NZ because he missed his family but got a job in the UK? And for some reason you think it's a sign that you should be together? 

A month ago we last saw each other. He took me to play golf. 
 

I’ve just realised most dates were kinda things he wanted to do too. Like took me to a rugby match, then a cheese and wine bar he wanted to try in his town. And then as friends a few weeks ago, to go play golf at this golf place

 

think guy would just invite me to these things as he’s lonely? Hmmm 

he’s not spoken to me for like 2 weeks but last thing he told me he was stressed starting new job 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

 he’s not spoken to me for like 2 weeks but last thing he told me he was stressed starting new job 

Is he in his new location 3 hours away from where you live? Please understand he's busy and not that interested in the first place.

You're talking in past tense when yes maybe he was just killing time until he relocated and started his job. 

It seems like you are reminiscing more than talking about a real-time situation. 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Maybe I’m just being a bit self critical and I did ok, we just weren’t a match 

That's a healthy way to look at it.  You ARE okay. Better than OK.  Not everybody is a match - for anyone!   

Someone here has said this before in different words:  Most of dating is meeting people who are not going to be a match for you.   You need to learn how to let those go.  Even if you had hopes.   Both people need to be feeling it the same.  

 

[LovelyRoses]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That's a healthy way to look at it.  You ARE okay. Better than OK.  Not everybody is a match - for anyone!   

Someone here has said this before in different words:  Most of dating is meeting people who are not going to be a match for you.   You need to learn how to let those go.  Even if you had hopes.   Both people need to be feeling it the same.  

 

Yes and maybe the fact his brothers are settling down (they live the other side of the world), his family misses him, and he’s unsure about his future in this country means he was just hesitant to pursue anything serious. Honestly that might be it 

on dates he used to talk about how he felt far away from home and it was difficult