Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yes and maybe the fact his brothers are settling down (they live the other side of the world), his family misses him, and he’s unsure about his future in this country means he was just hesitant to pursue anything serious. Honestly that might be it 

on dates he used to talk about how he felt far away from home and it was difficult 

All you need to know right now is he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  You want to be in a relationship with him.  Therefore I'd take Catfeeder -and other's advice -and walk away now.  

[MissCanuck]

All of this speculating and ruminating is useless, girl. 

You are wasting precious emotional energy on a man who isn't going to become your boyfriend. You need to learn when to let it go, and understand it's a dead-end. 

 

[TeeDee]

18 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Well my friends reckon it’s the type of man I go for rather than anything I’m doing.

* * * 

When I don’t fancy a guy, I have a lot more firmer boundaries. When I like a man, I feel I relax them. I’m less firm with these men. And that’s out of fear they might think I’m problematic and leave 

This is what you are doing wrong. You pick the wrong men.  A dear friend of mine figured that out about herself.  So the next  time she saw a man who made her swoon, she deliberately talked to his buddy.  She's been married to that buddy for over 20 years at this point. 

You are also relaxing your boundaries.  That relaxation is teach the men that you date that you don't have standards & will put up with anything.  

I'm the opposite of you.  I was relaxed & didn't care with the casual ones.  If I liked a guy, my standards became more exacting because I knew I would be bored of the "toys" in a few weeks so it didn't matter but when a man had potential  I needed him to prove he was the man I thought he was (or at least could be)

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

This is what you are doing wrong. You pick the wrong men.  A dear friend of mine figured that out about herself.  So the next  time she saw a man who made her swoon, she deliberately talked to his buddy.  She's been married to that buddy for over 20 years at this point. 

What a great story!!!

[Wiseman2]

On 4/12/2024 at 12:34 PM, LovelyRoses said:

 I just worry he date someone else when we hang out. 

This is irrelevant. You hung out a few times and he moved away. All the rhetorical questions won't solve the problem of your unrequited crush. 

[Lambert]

On 4/12/2024 at 7:26 PM, LovelyRoses said:

He’s successful and dependable, mature and is a kind man. I was sad when he ended things as I think he did it too soon

Your rose colored glasses are ON! His behavior is not mature nor is it kind.

You're short changing yourself putting him above YOURSELF.

I know I've done this.  Some how putting aside the fact you can find better and feel better!

he is not a great guy.  

[Mason Parsons]

It's better not to see him at all, his confusing. 

[LovelyRoses]

On 4/14/2024 at 3:44 PM, Wiseman2 said:

This is irrelevant. You hung out a few times and he moved away. All the rhetorical questions won't solve the problem of your unrequited crush. 

Ok I’m moving on now. I’ve got kinda addicted to advice seeking on forums as a way to soothe my feelings. I’m worrying now that I am ‘crazy’ or the red flag with this coping mechanism. It’s like venting gives me reassurance of the situation. I hope that doesn’t make me crazy, I don’t know why I do this . I appreciate peoples opinions 

[MissCanuck]

You're not crazy. 

You were someone who had hopes for a future with a guy, and it didn't work out. You are having some trouble accepting that it's not going to amount to anything and you need support talking through your feelings.

Do you go in circles sometimes? Yes. Does that make you a crazy person? No. As long as you realize this guy was not the one for you, you're going to be all good again soon. 

 

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You're not crazy. 

You were someone who had hopes for a future with a guy, and it didn't work out. You are having some trouble accepting that it's not going to amount to anything and you need support talking through your feelings.

Do you go in circles sometimes? Yes. Does that make you a crazy person? No. As long as you realize this guy was not the one for you, you're going to be all good again soon. 

 

Thanks that’s reassuring.I’ve been going on some other dates. Sadly don’t feel a drop of attraction like I did for the last guy which is disheartening. Makes me worry I won’t feel it again

i keep coming home from dates and worrying that something wrong with me as I don’t feel a spark with anyone. Last guy was the first person I felt it too in a while and he was hot and cold. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Ok I’m moving on now. I’ve got kinda addicted to advice seeking on forums as a way to soothe my feelings.

I completely get this and I think it's quite common.  It's happened to me!  Not so much anymore because I am aware of the damage it can cause and how it can prevent one from moving on.

IMO though, it's not a way to "soothe" feelings, it's more about keeping those feelings "alive" as the loss of those feelings indicates the loss of the dreams and hopes you had about the relationship or "situationship," or even the fantasy of a relationship.

Talking about it, on forums, in real life, even with one's therapist can keep those emotions alive and thus keep you STUCK and prevent you from moving forward away from those emotions.

I think discussing it with others at first is a good thing and can be quite healing and soothing.  We need that support at first, it helps us to find a sense of peace and eventually acceptance.

But as you said it can become addictive and again can keep you stuck which is what I think happened here.

Nothing is wrong with you, please extricate that thought from your head immediately!🙂  You are a human being who felt a connection with another human being and as such had hopes and dreams that something positive might come out of it.

It didn't.  Best to accept that, let go of it, and begin taking steps to move on from it.

I'm sorry things didn't go your way, but you're young and you WILL meet your "person," or perhaps many "persons" whom you can share experiences with and learn from.💛

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I completely get this and I think it's quite common.  It's happened to me!  Not so much anymore because I am aware of the damage it can cause and how it can prevent one from moving on.

IMO though, it's not a way to "soothe" feelings, it's more about keeping those feelings "alive" as the loss of those feelings indicates the loss of the dreams and hopes you had about the relationship or "situationship," or even the fantasy of a relationship.

Talking about it, on forums, in real life, even with one's therapist can keep those emotions alive and thus keep you STUCK and prevent you from moving forward away from those emotions.

I think discussing it with others at first is a good thing and can be quite healing and soothing.  We need that support at first, it helps us to find a sense of peace and eventually acceptance.

But as you said it can become addictive and again can keep you stuck which is what I think happened here.

Nothing is wrong with you, please extricate that thought from your head immediately!🙂  You are a human being who felt a connection with another human being and as such had hopes and dreams that something positive might come out of it.

It didn't.  Best to accept that, let go of it, and begin taking steps to move on from it.

I'm sorry things didn't go your way, but you're young and you WILL meet your "person," or perhaps many "persons" whom you can share experiences with and learn from.💛

 

 

I know I sound like I’m repeating myself, it’s just I go on so many dates and I don’t feel a drop of attraction at all. It just feels like speaking with a friend and I don’t know why that is

but when I went on a date with him, it was different and it felt exciting. The conversation flowed. But then he was distant, just like I am on dates where I don’t like the men, but he was different in that he continued to accept dates, then sleep with me and initiate a lot of physical contact.

And I don’t deny me and him get along, but it makes me feel really crap if he only saw it friendly between us and led me on. I don’t know how men work

 

but basically I have this fear I will continue to go on endeless dates forever and not find that spark ever again. I really felt it for him, we had a lot in common 

 

it’s scary. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

 basically I have this fear I will continue to go on endeless dates forever and not find that spark ever again. I really felt it for him, we had a lot in common 

Basically if you are preoccupied with a fantasy crush, real dates will pale in comparison. So it's understandable you feel like there's no chemistry because you're not giving anyone else a chance. Once you open your heart and mind to others you can free yourself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

but basically I have this fear I will continue to go on endeless dates forever and not find that spark ever again.

Trust me on this - you WILL.  I meet a lot of men too, I go out on dates, I just had a date last weekend, he was attractive, successful and very nice but nope, I didn't feel a damn thing other than we had an enjoyable time and he's a nice man.

I think connections like the one you experienced with his man are very VERY rare.  Take comfort in knowing there is nothing wrong with you, in fact the opposite, it means you are in touch with your emotions versus falling for every tom, d*ck and harry that gives you the time of day...  

Re this man, who knows what's going on with him and why he behaves/behaved as he does.  He may have his own issues surrounding relationships and backs off when it appears that where things are heading.

I know men (and women) who freak out when they begin REALLY liking someone, they begin overthinking to the point they overthink their way out of making anything happen.

I am NOT saying that what's happening here, we don't really know, all we know is for whatever reason he didn't wish to move forward with you.

My advice?  Cherish the memory and take steps to move on.  That's all you can really do, I don't see how you have much of a choice.

Be thankful you are capable of developing that type of feeling for someone, many people cannot due to depression or fear or whatever.

And since you felt it once, you WILL feel it again, I promise you.

 

[LovelyRoses]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Trust me on this - you WILL.  I meet a lot of men too, I go out on dates, I just had a date last weekend, he was attractive, successful and very nice but nope, I didn't feel a damn thing other than we had an enjoyable time and he's a nice man.

I think connections like the one you experienced with his man are very VERY rare.  Take comfort in knowing there is nothing wrong with you, in fact the opposite, it means you are in touch with your emotions versus falling for every tom, d*ck and harry that gives you the time of day...  

Re this man, who knows what's going on with him and why he behaves/behaved as he does.  He may have his own issues surrounding relationships and backs off when it appears that where things are heading.

I know men (and women) who freak out when they begin REALLY liking someone, they begin overthinking to the point they overthink their way out of making anything happen.

I am NOT saying that what's happening here, we don't really know, all we know is for whatever reason he didn't wish to move forward with you.

My advice?  Cherish the memory and take steps to move on.  That's all you can really do, I don't see how you have much of a choice.

Be thankful you are capable of developing that type of feeling for someone, many people cannot due to depression or fear or whatever.

And since you felt it once, you WILL feel it again, I promise you.

 

Everyone on here though keeps telling me I was imagining that connection though. But I know he wasn’t. I had hope when he came back. I’m angry that I feel he was my only chance as why throw away a connection like that? I think he knows we have a good connection too hence he keeps in touch. 
 

well this guy lost his job when we’d had several dates but he’d been distant before that, I assumed as stressed with work. He used to reassure me ‘I don’t normally work this much!’ Then he lost his job and his visa was expiring. He started to reconsider if he will go back to his home country. That’s when I noticed he pulled away and ended things. Perhaps he didn’t want to get too close

then he wanted to meet up as friends and said he had been thinking of me. He seemed happy to see me.felt we were growing close again and then he pulled away once again 

[boltnrun]

I swore up and down to anyone who would listen that my ex was "the love of my life who I'll love forever!!!!!!!!!1111" and I believed I would never get over him and would never stop loving him. And I would gladly take him back at any time, no matter how long it took. Then a funny thing happened. A couple of years had gone by and I ran into him. And...felt nothing. I thought, this can't be right! So I deliberately exposed myself to him again. Still nothing. Then, oh happy day! He contacted me and asked if he could see me. I thought, well, here's my chance! So I went out with him. And found him to be insufferably boring. So I tried sleeping with him. Ugh. That was even worse. I got zero enjoyment or pleasure. Zero passion. So the next time he contacted me I turned him down.

I would have bet my life on leaping at the chance to reconcile with him and would never have imagined I'd turn him down, but I did. I did not and do not "love him forever!!!"

You'll get there. And when you meet the right one you'll wonder what you were thinking.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Everyone on here though keeps telling me I was imagining that connection though. But I know he wasn’t.

I don't agree, how can we "imagine" feeling an emotion?   Even if it's based on a fantasy, it's still an emotion you are feeling and experiencing, I don't believe anyone has the right to tell another human being that what THEY are feeling isn't real or "wrong" or whatever.

Feelings/emotions are unique to us, no matter what they are based on, again even if it's based on a fantasy and you never met in person (as in online connections).

Personally in your case, I don't believe it was fantasy, you dated this man, you spent time with this man in person, you got to know him, experienced him no matter how fleeting.

It was REAL, YOU felt it. Please don't allow others to tell you otherwise.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@LovelyRosesI say this with kindness, but for your own healing, please say goodbye to this thread, let it go.  Like I said, continuing to discuss him, your connection, his connection is keeping the feelings alive and YOU stuck.

I mean seriously, you (and us) can go round and round about this until hell freezes over, the bottom like IS for whatever reason which does not matter, he does NOT want a relationship with you.

There WILL be other men but as another poster said, you will never get to experience a connection with another man while you are choosing to hold so tightly to this one....

You may never know what he was truly feeling, it DOES NOT matter, all that matters is again, he doesn't wish to move forward with you.

I am really sorry... we have ALL been there.  You will get over this.  Please stop catastrophizing.

I am not invalidating your feelings, I am simply saying that it's time to let go and move on.

 

[Batya33]

It's not enough for the long term to feel a connection especially if it's with someone unavailable in some way and especially if it's early on.  It's thrilling ,exciting, feels awesome - and of course it's a real feeling.  But feelings aren't facts and most of loving is giving - not a feeling -so if you feel connected that's great but the real proof is whether that translates into two people desiring to give to each other and acting on that by their giving actions.  To me potential for the long term requires both head and heart.  

My son just called out from his video game haze "mommy!! you're my favorite!!" but in about 15 minutes when I tell him to step away from the screen and take his shower him loving me and seeing me as his favorite mother ever will NOT translate into him hopping in the shower as I asked.

But when he was 3 and not 15 and I was solo parenting and got his stomach bug he saw me sitting quietly in the rocking chair which was new to him - -I was too quiet! -  he came over and brought me a green crayon to cheer me up -true giving of love. 

When my husband and I got back together (ex fiancées) and had our first real kiss - I was totally sure he was The One - didn't tell him that but I -knew.  He knew too -what he said after told me so.  Amazing connection.  The best. 

But that's not enough and that can help carry you through the rough spots but you still have to show up for each other, think of each other and be available to laugh together, commiserate, laugh at decades old inside jokes and hold your tongue and give space even if he doesn't ask because you know he needs that -even if he didn't ask and maybe doesn't even know he does.  That's the stuff of compatibility, stick to it iveness .

Feeling all your feelings is fun and awesome and enthralling -how in the world can you "feel" so connected -it's - magic! But there's also an element of true self-absorption - focusing inward on these exciting feelings and ignoring perhaps that the object of your delight - isn't available to show up for you daily or even every couple days -not in a real way anyway. 

Finding both is so easy for some and so hard for others. i fell into the latter category for sure so please don't despair- don't settle -and don't compare to others.  

[Andrina]

Because I see some of you in how I was in the past--a self-sabotaging reel going on in the brain (I still have to stop myself when I catch myself starting to do this presently), I'll recommend a book that helped me.

It's The Secret by Rhoda Byrne. Even if you don't believe in the law of attraction, the book also gives examples of how to change your thought process into changing those thoughts, giving them a more positive spin and calming the soul. My friend gave it to me many years ago, saying it changed her life, and I can definitely say it helped me in many ways.

Take care.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’m angry that I feel he was my only chance as why throw away a connection like that? I think he knows we have a good connection too hence he keeps in touch. 

Because he doesn't assign as much importance and urgency to this connection that you do. If he did, well, this thread would not exist. 

That's not to say he didn't like you, but only that he isn't operating from the same scarcity mindset that you are. What I mean is that you see this as your only shot at love and you have described your lack of success in dating generally - it is probably not the same for him, hence his willingness to let this one go. He knows this wasn't his only chance. 

He also told you himself previously that he didn't have the right romantic feelings to continue dating you. You need to believe him. There is a difference between enjoying someone's company for the short term and having fun in the moment, and seeing true potential for something longer-term. The latter wasn't there for him. He was honest with you about that when he first ended this. 

The fact that you remained open to seeing him in spite of knowing he felt that way is on you. No, he shouldn't have kept in touch knowing you liked him and wanted more. But it is up to you draw a line there and say no to casual meet-ups when the guy has not clearly indicated that he had a change of heart and wants to try dating again. It's a tough but important lesson to learn.

I hope you are not still communicating with him? 

[LovelyRoses]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not enough for the long term to feel a connection especially if it's with someone unavailable in some way and especially if it's early on.  It's thrilling ,exciting, feels awesome - and of course it's a real feeling.  But feelings aren't facts and most of loving is giving - not a feeling -so if you feel connected that's great but the real proof is whether that translates into two people desiring to give to each other and acting on that by their giving actions.  To me potential for the long term requires both head and heart.  

My son just called out from his video game haze "mommy!! you're my favorite!!" but in about 15 minutes when I tell him to step away from the screen and take his shower him loving me and seeing me as his favorite mother ever will NOT translate into him hopping in the shower as I asked.

But when he was 3 and not 15 and I was solo parenting and got his stomach bug he saw me sitting quietly in the rocking chair which was new to him - -I was too quiet! -  he came over and brought me a green crayon to cheer me up -true giving of love. 

When my husband and I got back together (ex fiancées) and had our first real kiss - I was totally sure he was The One - didn't tell him that but I -knew.  He knew too -what he said after told me so.  Amazing connection.  The best. 

But that's not enough and that can help carry you through the rough spots but you still have to show up for each other, think of each other and be available to laugh together, commiserate, laugh at decades old inside jokes and hold your tongue and give space even if he doesn't ask because you know he needs that -even if he didn't ask and maybe doesn't even know he does.  That's the stuff of compatibility, stick to it iveness .

Feeling all your feelings is fun and awesome and enthralling -how in the world can you "feel" so connected -it's - magic! But there's also an element of true self-absorption - focusing inward on these exciting feelings and ignoring perhaps that the object of your delight - isn't available to show up for you daily or even every couple days -not in a real way anyway. 

Finding both is so easy for some and so hard for others. i fell into the latter category for sure so please don't despair- don't settle -and don't compare to others.  

Thanks. I’m going to try and move on.

I suppose he was attracted to me but didn’t really know what he wanted, at least that’s what I think now. 
 

sometimes I worry that the distance behave he did even meant there was no attraction there at all. I hope him kissing me wasn’t just fake on his part.

 

I’ve been thinking about what to do if we do reconnect once again. Is romantic feelings something that’s there in the beginning or not at all? Sometimes I wonder if his uncertainty about whether he wants to stay in my country might have an effect. Who knows 

 

I hope it doesn’t mean something wrong with me if I go on other dates and don’t feel that spark. I feel it so rarely but with him I felt comfortable and familiar on the first date, just good vibes. Wish he gave things more of a chance after he lost his job

[LovelyRoses]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because he doesn't assign as much importance and urgency to this connection that you do. If he did, well, this thread would not exist. 

That's not to say he didn't like you, but only that he isn't operating from the same scarcity mindset that you are. What I mean is that you see this as your only shot at love and you have described your lack of success in dating generally - it is probably not the same for him, hence his willingness to let this one go. He knows this wasn't his only chance. 

He also told you himself previously that he didn't have the right romantic feelings to continue dating you. You need to believe him. There is a difference between enjoying someone's company for the short term and having fun in the moment, and seeing true potential for something longer-term. The latter wasn't there for him. He was honest with you about that when he first ended this. 

The fact that you remained open to seeing him in spite of knowing he felt that way is on you. No, he shouldn't have kept in touch knowing you liked him and wanted more. But it is up to you draw a line there and say no to casual meet-ups when the guy has not clearly indicated that he had a change of heart and wants to try dating again. It's a tough but important lesson to learn.

I hope you are not still communicating with him? 

We do still communicate, we’re both learning to make bread so we share bread updates with each other. But then he started his new job and hasn’t reached out to me for several weeks. I’ve decided that when he does come back and suggest meeting up, I’m going to be honest with him and tell him that I’m still attracted to him so I’m not sure it’s a good idea.

Can a man’s romantic feelings be influenced by where he is in his life? Eg he lost his job, he’s deciding wether to stay in my country long term. I go on so many dates and every date the man likes me but I don’t feel the attraction, but it’s really sad to me that the first time I actually feel an attraction they don’t want me romantically. It’s really confusing

and what else confuses me is you know how I go on dates and there no attraction, I wouldn’t go on several further dates with that guy or kiss or sleep with him. Like it’s either I like them or I don’t , but maybe men don’t operate in the same way

i guess I’m just worried I won’t feel it again. Last year I started to worry I was asexual as the attraction wasn’t coming 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

We do still communicate

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

hasn’t reached out to me for several weeks

So actually, you aren't still communicating. He has let it fizzle. 

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Can a man’s romantic feelings be influenced by where he is in his life?

This question has already been answered multiple times in your threads, so I am not going to repeat what has already been thoroughy discussed. 

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I go on dates and there no attraction, I wouldn’t go on several further dates with that guy or kiss or sleep with him.

Do you get that someone's interest can change? You seem to have a hard time understanding that a few good dates and some sex isn't a guarantee that things will continue. People change their minds sometimes. 

You need to let it all go You are driving yourself mental asking the same questions over and over. Are you generally a very anxious person in other areas of your life?

 

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So actually, you aren't still communicating. He has let it fizzle. 

This question has already been answered multiple times in your threads, so I am not going to repeat what has already been thoroughy discussed. 

Do you get that someone's interest can change? You seem to have a hard time understanding that a few good dates and some sex isn't a guarantee that things will continue. People change their minds sometimes. 

You need to let it all go You are driving yourself mental asking the same questions over and over. Are you generally a very anxious person in other areas of your life?

 

I am anxious but only about love

my anxiety is mainly around attraction. That I had an ex 2 years ago and I just couldn’t feel attracted since 

then I met this man on the dating app. I just swooned at this man all the time. He would show me photos on his phone of himself and selfies and I would just buzz with attraction to him. Which is so so rare for me. I feel attraction so rarely I feel it will be years until I find someone again

basically I’m 29 and have only ever felt physical attraction 2 times in my life. So when I met this guy, coupled with our intellectual connection, it just felt exciting. I would finally have sex! I enjoyed kissing for the first time. I felt like a real adult moving toward finding a partner.