Is it appropriate for him to hang out with me if he’s dating someone else?

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I felt like a real adult moving toward finding a partner. 

Real adults have dating setbacks too, though. 

Real adults face disappointment. Real adults sometimes feel hurt when things don't work out. I am not sure why you hinged being a real adult on the nature of this fledgling connection. 

As for right now, it's normal that you're not feeling it with new men. You're still way too hung up on this other guy to even be open to dating someone else yet. That is why all contact needs to stop, so you really let go of false hope Being bread-buddies is pointless, as is being friends in general. It will keep you stuck. 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Real adults have dating setbacks too, though. 

Real adults face disappointment. Real adults sometimes feel hurt when things don't work out. I am not sure why you hinged being a real adult on the nature of this fledgling connection. 

As for right now, it's normal that you're not feeling it with new men. You're still way too hung up on this other guy to even be open to dating someone else yet. That is why all contact needs to stop, so you really let go of false hope the previous one. Being bread-buddies is pointless, as is being friends in general. It will keep you stuck. 

If he does reach out again, shall I just tell him how I feel? I’ll say I want to date you or I will not see you at all as friends.
 

I was hung up on my ex even the day I met this guy. I was so happy to feel attraction again. It’s just like there’s no attractive men in my city, genuinely, who are single. I see looooads of cute guys around but they are always taken  

It’s just this fear I won’t find it again . All my friends are getting married and having kids and that’s all I want 

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

If he does reach out again, shall I just tell him how I feel?

Don't even worry about this right now. It's been weeks since you heard from him so the chances are slim. Cross that bridge only if you come to it. 

13 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It’s just this fear I won’t find it again .

But the truth is, you hadn't found it with him either. You were attracted to him and felt something, yes. But it wasn't a viable prospect since he didn't see a future. 

It certainly doesn't mean you will never feel a spark again with someone else. Your fear is keeping you paralyzed. 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Don't even worry about this right now. It's been weeks since you heard from him so the chances are slim. Cross that bridge only if you come to it. 

But the truth is, you hadn't found it with him either. You were attracted to him and felt something, yes. But it wasn't a viable prospect since he didn't see a future. 

It certainly doesn't mean you will never feel a spark again with someone else. Your fear is keeping you paralyzed. 

Well he has just moved away and has started a new job the last few weeks. He’s not even been online. He’s very career focused so I may hear from him when he’s settled into his new job. He’s moved up near where my family live and he says he doesn’t know anyone there. He’s asked if I would introdcue him to my brother so they can play golf together (my brother is a golf professional). 

[MissCanuck]

Again, none of this matters anymore. 

For now, he is not in contact with you. You really need to stop going in circles about what he might be doing, might be thinking or might do in the future. 

You're wasting way too much energy on "might." Start focusing on letting go, since it's already clear this has no future. 

[LovelyRoses]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Again, none of this matters anymore. 

For now, he is not in contact with you. You really need to stop going in circles about what he might be doing, might be thinking or might do in the future. 

You're wasting way too much energy on "might." Start focusing on letting go, since it's already clear this has no future. 

I know but anything can happen in this strange world. He’s the one that wanted to meet up with me on several occasions 2 months after he ended things. He even looked into my eyes and said ‘oh gosh we get along so well don’t we, it’s so good to see you.’ And I know that’s just words but he’s the one that made all the plans to see me . 
 

maube I just see what happens and don’t wait around 

[MissCanuck]

You're on repeat, girl. You keep saying the same things over and over. It changes nothing about your current situation. 

This isn't healthy for you. Do you have supportive friends in real life you can talk to about this? Going around in circles on the internet doesn't appear to be helping you. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I suppose he was attracted to me but didn’t really know what he wanted, at least that’s what I think now. 
 

sometimes I worry that the distance behave he did even meant there was no attraction there at all. I hope him kissing me wasn’t just fake on his part.

 

I agree with Ms. Canuck's input.  Whether he "knew" or "didn't know" doesn't matter -maybe to his mother, his therapist, etc - I was attracted to my ex bf much of the 7 years we were together-on and off -I loved him -and I had core shaking doubts that I chose to listen to and not proceed to engagement or marriage. I figured it out months later -an aha moment - so sure it could be he doesn't know. He does know he doesn't want to be with you in a potentially serious relationship (reread what Canuck wrote) and the rest -the "why" - is irrelevant.  

I wouldn't worry about the attraction to others or lack thereof -be proactive, put yourself out there- find ways to be around people you have stuff in common with.  And consider that your attraction is fueled when the man is challenging because he's unavailable.  Then the attraction is not to him but moreso to the thrill of the chase.  Then if you actually "win" your "prize" poof goes the attraction.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Can a man’s romantic feelings be influenced by where he is in his life? Eg he lost his job, he’s deciding wether to stay in my country long term.

You've asked this many times and you're barking up the wrong tree.  A man or woman who chooses to be with another person potentially for the long term isn't "influenced" in that way because people are not puppets.  Men and women can change their minds about future potential or change their minds while in a committed relationship -no guarantees. 

But a person who wasn't available to date seriously because of major life changes who was reasonably healthy and reasonably thoughtful would tell another person who obviously wanted to be with him or her "hey I really like you, I like hanging out with you - and right now with all this turmoil (fill in the blanks) it's not the best time for me to focus on you.  How about I call you in a few weeks or (month) when I'm settled ... and if you're still interested and available we'll see where we are."  That's rare but it happens with authenticity - why in the world would a person risk not showing up as her best self if she saw serious potential and have the other person lose interest?  

And lots of things can influence level of attraction -when I was sleep deprived with a newborn I wasn't much interested in sex (nor was it allowed, doctor's orders), and there are many things that influence attraction to one's partner -mental and physical health, stress etc but I don't think any of that influences whether the person feels chemistry, a spark.  It simply influences the level of attraction at a given time - someone with a gross cold might be repulsed at the thought of kissing their partner but it's not an issue of whether that person is generally attracted to their partner. 

Also some people have that friendship caught on fire experience -all of a sudden one day that platonic friend - you're like -wow - I feel a spark -this is so weird! Happened to me at least once and can happen like if you work with someone for years and a situation changes -someone is single again etc you see that person differently. I don't think that applies AT ALL to your situation.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

i guess I’m just worried I won’t feel it again. Last year I started to worry I was asexual as the attraction wasn’t coming 

As long as you're holding a torch for someone else, you'll have trouble dating and being open-minded to the men out there. This seems like armor against being close to anyone at all

. Try to focus on why you want unavailable men and reject available men. Perhaps therapy could help sort that out as well as the spinning and ruminating? 

[LovelyRoses]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You've asked this many times and you're barking up the wrong tree.  A man or woman who chooses to be with another person potentially for the long term isn't "influenced" in that way because people are not puppets.  Men and women can change their minds about future potential or change their minds while in a committed relationship -no guarantees. 

But a person who wasn't available to date seriously because of major life changes who was reasonably healthy and reasonably thoughtful would tell another person who obviously wanted to be with him or her "hey I really like you, I like hanging out with you - and right now with all this turmoil (fill in the blanks) it's not the best time for me to focus on you.  How about I call you in a few weeks or (month) when I'm settled ... and if you're still interested and available we'll see where we are."  That's rare but it happens with authenticity - why in the world would a person risk not showing up as her best self if she saw serious potential and have the other person lose interest?  

And lots of things can influence level of attraction -when I was sleep deprived with a newborn I wasn't much interested in sex (nor was it allowed, doctor's orders), and there are many things that influence attraction to one's partner -mental and physical health, stress etc but I don't think any of that influences whether the person feels chemistry, a spark.  It simply influences the level of attraction at a given time - someone with a gross cold might be repulsed at the thought of kissing their partner but it's not an issue of whether that person is generally attracted to their partner. 

Also some people have that friendship caught on fire experience -all of a sudden one day that platonic friend - you're like -wow - I feel a spark -this is so weird! Happened to me at least once and can happen like if you work with someone for years and a situation changes -someone is single again etc you see that person differently. I don't think that applies AT ALL to your situation.  

He did tell me ‘I’m really enjoying getting to know you but this probably affects the expectations given our recent time together and I can only apologise for that.’

That was a when he lost his job and in fact he became more communicative with me. After that 

[LovelyRoses]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You've asked this many times and you're barking up the wrong tree.  A man or woman who chooses to be with another person potentially for the long term isn't "influenced" in that way because people are not puppets.  Men and women can change their minds about future potential or change their minds while in a committed relationship -no guarantees. 

But a person who wasn't available to date seriously because of major life changes who was reasonably healthy and reasonably thoughtful would tell another person who obviously wanted to be with him or her "hey I really like you, I like hanging out with you - and right now with all this turmoil (fill in the blanks) it's not the best time for me to focus on you.  How about I call you in a few weeks or (month) when I'm settled ... and if you're still interested and available we'll see where we are."  That's rare but it happens with authenticity - why in the world would a person risk not showing up as her best self if she saw serious potential and have the other person lose interest?  

And lots of things can influence level of attraction -when I was sleep deprived with a newborn I wasn't much interested in sex (nor was it allowed, doctor's orders), and there are many things that influence attraction to one's partner -mental and physical health, stress etc but I don't think any of that influences whether the person feels chemistry, a spark.  It simply influences the level of attraction at a given time - someone with a gross cold might be repulsed at the thought of kissing their partner but it's not an issue of whether that person is generally attracted to their partner. 

Also some people have that friendship caught on fire experience -all of a sudden one day that platonic friend - you're like -wow - I feel a spark -this is so weird! Happened to me at least once and can happen like if you work with someone for years and a situation changes -someone is single again etc you see that person differently. I don't think that applies AT ALL to your situation.  

Here is the message he sent me ‘Hey, Some bad news to share from my side, that has come completely by surprise. The company I work for presented me with a settlement package yesterday, paying out my notice period and therefore with an almost immediate finish date. I'm not sure if I've explained my skilled worker sponsorship/ visa conditions, but it is dependent on my being continuously employed by a company holding a sponsorship licence, in a certain type of job role (insert job name here). The conditions of my settlement package creates a need for me to rapidly re-evaluate my life here in the UK, and an incredible amount of pressure to find a plan that allows me to stay. As you can probably guess, this is a difficult headspace to be in with limited clarity at the moment. I can only apologise for how this probably changes the expectations between us considering the recent time we've spent together. I'll need to take a few days to talk to solicitors, look into new work opportunities, etc. I'm really sorry, but I don't think I'm in the right place to come down to London tomorrow. I hope you're well.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

. I'm really sorry, but I don't think I'm in the right place to come down to London tomorrow. I hope you're well.

When did he send this? 

[LovelyRoses]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did he send this? 

After our third date. It was legit, he was rather upset. He still kept seeing me after this and actually become more communicative 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

Here is the message he sent me ‘Hey, Some bad news to share from my side, that has come completely by surprise. The company I work for presented me with a settlement package yesterday, paying out my notice period and therefore with an almost immediate finish date. I'm not sure if I've explained my skilled worker sponsorship/ visa conditions, but it is dependent on my being continuously employed by a company holding a sponsorship licence, in a certain type of job role (insert job name here). The conditions of my settlement package creates a need for me to rapidly re-evaluate my life here in the UK, and an incredible amount of pressure to find a plan that allows me to stay. As you can probably guess, this is a difficult headspace to be in with limited clarity at the moment. I can only apologise for how this probably changes the expectations between us considering the recent time we've spent together. I'll need to take a few days to talk to solicitors, look into new work opportunities, etc. I'm really sorry, but I don't think I'm in the right place to come down to London tomorrow. I hope you're well.

Wow this is a huge long text! Why didn’t he take the initiative to call you to explain the situation instead of sending a novel? Because he didn’t want to discus the situation with you or having to answer to some of your questions. he just doesn’t care enough. 
 

ps: some men are liars and manipulators… and others are just not that interested… I think you should read some books or articles, read some podcast about dating nowadays, how to avoid getting played by men or dragged along, how to recognize red flags and so on… search YouTube, google whatever but please protect your heart and your time from manipulators… 🙏

[Batya33]

Becoming more "communicative" means nothing as far as whether he changed his mind and wanted to be with you in any serious, committed way.  Unless the "communication" was "I changed my mind - I would love to see you and talk about how we can make this work for the future - I hope you're still interested and I can't wait to see you again!" - like that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

After our third date. It was legit, he was rather upset. He still kept seeing me after this and actually become more communicative 

He was trying to let you down easy that he's not ready willing or able to have a relationship at this time. He was being honest and trying not to lead you on. Far from manipulative.  You're still rifling through past communication to attempt to relive and undo what happened, which is he simply can't have a relationship with you the way you want. It's up to you to believe him and move forward. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man who actually proposed marriage. They lived together and had started planning their wedding. Well, he decided he didn't want to marry her after all and broke up with her. She was distraught and was barely functioning. She's still waiting for him to return to her and he broke up with her in 1994!! She had a mental breakdown and had to be institutionalized. She is unable to work and, sadly, never got into another relationship and never married or had children. All because she insisted on waiting for him because, she said, he had promised to marry her and she expected him to keep his promise.

This is a cautionary tale. Please don't let your disappointment over the relationship not working out ruin the rest of your life like my friend did. 

[Wiseman2]

It's unfortunate you still have hope for this because it's inhibiting finding someone else. 

If you want to read books on dating, please read "He's Just Not That Into You'. 

While his reasons are honest, it still doesn't mean he wants to date. If he felt the same as you do, you would know and stop rehashing communication to look for hope. 

[LovelyRoses]

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Wow this is a huge long text! Why didn’t he take the initiative to call you to explain the situation instead of sending a novel? Because he didn’t want to discus the situation with you or having to answer to some of your questions. he just doesn’t care enough. 
 

ps: some men are liars and manipulators… and others are just not that interested… I think you should read some books or articles, read some podcast about dating nowadays, how to avoid getting played by men or dragged along, how to recognize red flags and so on… search YouTube, google whatever but please protect your heart and your time from manipulators… 🙏

I phoned him afterwards as the message seemed rather vague. He spoke to me about it but he didn’t talk about ‘us’ or how it would affect our dating. I gathered he didn’t even know himself at this point 

so I told him ‘I appreciate how stressful this is. I’m here to talk if you need someone to talk to but I’m going to give you some space.’

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I phoned him afterwards as the message seemed rather vague. He spoke to me about it but he didn’t talk about ‘us’ or how it would affect our dating. I gathered he didn’t even know himself at this point 

so I told him ‘I appreciate how stressful this is. I’m here to talk if you need someone to talk to but I’m going to give you some space.’

I would avoid giving him the benefit of your friendship since you can't be a real friend to someone  you want to date who doesn't want to date you.  He didn't talk about "us" because he doesn't see you two as a couple so there is no such talk.  Focus on what you do know. You know he doesn't want to date you and doesn't see serious potential.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would avoid giving him the benefit of your friendship since you can't be a real friend to someone  you want to date who doesn't want to date you. 

Exactly. 

OP, can you see how this continued and sporadic contact with him is keeping you stuck even now. Page after page of ruminating, speculating, repeating yourself, asking the same questions over and over?

This "friendship" is not good for your mental health. 

[LovelyRoses]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. 

OP, can you see how this continued and sporadic contact with him is keeping you stuck even now. Page after page of ruminating, speculating, repeating yourself, asking the same questions over and over?

This "friendship" is not good for your mental health. 

I know but it’s rare I find someone I click with

whats also ruining my confidence is the fact I keep going on first dates with men. And I just don’t feel any click whatsoever with them. There’s no spark of attraction. The men say they wanna see me again and I say ‘absolutely.’ 
 

but they never even text me after the date. It’s happened 10 times this year. And I know I’m not attracted to them (which is something I worry about), but if a guy at least asked me on a second date, it would give me a bit more of a confidence boost,

 

it’s kinda scaring me. Like I’m friendly on these first dates, but I’d expect someone to at least text me afterwards 

[dias]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

And I know I’m not attracted to them (which is something I worry about), but if a guy at least asked me on a second date, it would give me a bit more of a confidence boost

Then you need to improve your acting skills for more free confidence boost.

[Jaunty]

You need to let go of your "hopes" involving this man. You're just feeing an unhealthy and fantasy driven obsession.  Sorry.