Boyfriend watches me struggle

[Kwothe28]

Unpopular opinion: Its not his obligation to take care for OPs finances. She saw a millionaire and thought they are this really generous beings who cant wait to share money. They wouldnt have money if they thought in that way.

Dunno which country it is. But 300 dollar rent is not that much.I wouldnt agree to pay for all groceries or cleaning lady, think its a bit excessive and that he can pick up that as well as stuff like maybe dinner outings(which he maybe does if they have some). But having probably very low rent and half utilities is fair. 

If we are talking finances, the main problem is that OP is living the life she cant afford. If she lived alone she would probably have bigger rent but probably less utilities. Still having to pay for all of her groceries as well, albeit for one person. Dont think her situation would be way better financially if she is alone. Although cleaning lady is probably expensive these days lol

I think the main problem is that he just isnt empathic. Which, yes, isnt about finances. To be with somebody for 9 years and to not have an ability to share troubles is hard. Even financial ones, I have a family friend that lives with the man. They didnt marry(they both have a failed marriage before) but they just live together. Anyway, he is also rich. But he at least encouraged her to go (and pull some string for her to get it) for higher paying job. So she at least managed to have more money that way. OPs boyfriend just doesnt care as long as she is willing to have sex and pays her own dues. Which is alarming by human nature. 

[DarkCh0c0]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

. She saw a millionaire and thought they are this really generous beings who cant wait to share money. They wouldnt have money if they thought in that way.

But I don't think that's her case. She's been with him for years and hasn't asked for much.

And why would she pay rent if there's no rent to pay?! It doesn't make any sense.

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

OPs boyfriend just doesnt care as long as she is willing to have sex and pays her own dues. Which is alarming by human nature. 

Agreed.

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

But I don't think that's her case. She's been with him for years and hasn't asked for much.

Investing? Some women think that “investing” into a man would give them a return later. For example, “The Tinder Swindler” was pretending to be a billionaire. And he had one of his victim’s literally going into debt for him. Because she thought she would marry a billionaire. Not saying him or her are that type. Just that it’s not that illogical as you think it is. 

Also there is no “rent”, it’s probably just arbitrary amount he imposes on her. Which is, again, probably lower than her actually paying rent where she lives. Bit cold, and not something I would do, but fair. Germans have the same thing for kids who dont want to move away from home later in life. You can pay rent for your room and utilities or move away and pay the same but for way more money.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Unpopular opinion: Its not his obligation to take care for OPs finances. She saw a millionaire and thought they are this really generous beings who cant wait to share money. They wouldnt have money if they thought in that way.

Dunno which country it is. But 300 dollar rent is not that much.I wouldnt agree to pay for all groceries or cleaning lady, think its a bit excessive and that he can pick up that as well as stuff like maybe dinner outings(which he maybe does if they have some). But having probably very low rent and half utilities is fair. 

If we are talking finances, the main problem is that OP is living the life she cant afford. If she lived alone she would probably have bigger rent but probably less utilities. Still having to pay for all of her groceries as well, albeit for one person. Dont think her situation would be way better financially if she is alone. Although cleaning lady is probably expensive these days lol

I think the main problem is that he just isnt empathic. Which, yes, isnt about finances. To be with somebody for 9 years and to not have an ability to share troubles is hard. Even financial ones, I have a family friend that lives with the man. They didnt marry(they both have a failed marriage before) but they just live together. Anyway, he is also rich. But he at least encouraged her to go (and pull some string for her to get it) for higher paying job. So she at least managed to have more money that way. OPs boyfriend just doesnt care as long as she is willing to have sex and pays her own dues. Which is alarming by human nature. 

I agree and like you said he can show true empathy and offer temporary help which he should with any close friend. Not because he’s rich. But his having the money means he won’t struggle most likely if he helps temporarily. Also sounds like she’s paying more than her share from how she described it. 

[Coily]

Is this a flash point because you're struggling now? Has this been a situation in the past or just something in the here and now?

I also don't think he's being selfish, you are getting the benefit of housing, maid services, and such at a decent price. It's a lifestyle you both have become accustomed to. Since he had a messy divorce, that taints a lot of people so I don't expect that to be any different for him. If you are having to have your struggles dragged out of you, he probably interpreted that as you having it under control, but stressed.

This all boils down to him not understanding, because you haven't told him. He's not a mind reader. You are fully justified in being concerned, but i wouldn't ascribe malice to his being ignorant. Unless there is a lot more unwritten going on, you need to sit down and work on a budget together.

 

[Andrina]

There are some who say that one shouldn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes people just want to vent and want a person to listen. Maybe he thought that's how he should proceed. In the future, if you want advice, just ask. 

Anyway, I'm more concerned about your livelihood now and even if you marry. If he died before you married, wouldn't his children get ownership of the house? And even if you married, since the property was purchased solely by him before marrying you, his children might get the house unless he specifically designates you to receive it in a trust or will.

If you are not socking away money into retirement and an emergency savings account, you might end up having to rent the cheapest room possible in the case of his death or because of a divorce. Therefore, you should be considering anything you can whittle away for what you're paying now. Either have him pay half for the maid or make a chore list you two can split. If you pay for cable, cut the cord and pay for just Internet and a cheap streaming service. Stop paying 100 percent for meals. With that extra money, start paying off your debt, since it's likely high interest. 

If he cares about your well-being, he won't argue for you two making changes to ensure your future nest egg. If your job isn't working out financially for you, consider applying for more lucrative work, or take on some extra part-time work.

[Blurry 123]

Not everyone is the same, he is so different, my boyfriend is the same

The best way is to make him feel guilty for hurting you, if you make him feel guilty he'll feel he's a bad person and continuously ask you what he's done to you, then you'll tell him

When you guys spend time together be quiet let him ask you what you're thinking of, don't go straight to the point and tell him, tell him to guess and make sure he fulfills it

[Blurry 123]

Not everyone is the same, he is so different, my boyfriend is the same

The best way is to make him feel guilty for hurting you, if you make him feel guilty he'll feel he's a bad person and continuously ask you what he's done to you, then you'll tell him

When you guys spend time together be quiet let him ask you what you're thinking of, don't go straight to the point and tell him, tell him to guess and make sure he fulfills it

[Blurry 123]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

There are some who say that one shouldn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes people just want to vent and want a person to listen. Maybe he thought that's how he should proceed. In the future, if you want advice, just ask. 

Anyway, I'm more concerned about your livelihood now and even if you marry. If he died before you married, wouldn't his children get ownership of the house? And even if you married, since the property was purchased solely by him before marrying you, his children might get the house unless he specifically designates you to receive it in a trust or will.

If you are not socking away money into retirement and an emergency savings account, you might end up having to rent the cheapest room possible in the case of his death or because of a divorce. Therefore, you should be considering anything you can whittle away for what you're paying now. Either have him pay half for the maid or make a chore list you two can split. If you pay for cable, cut the cord and pay for just Internet and a cheap streaming service. Stop paying 100 percent for meals. With that extra money, start paying off your debt, since it's likely high interest. 

If he cares about your well-being, he won't argue for you two making changes to ensure your future nest egg. If your job isn't working out financially for you, consider applying for more lucrative work, or take on some extra part-time work.

What if he isn't good at giving advices

[Coily]

1 hour ago, Blurry 123 said:

Not everyone is the same, he is so different, my boyfriend is the same

The best way is to make him feel guilty for hurting you, if you make him feel guilty he'll feel he's a bad person and continuously ask you what he's done to you, then you'll tell him

When you guys spend time together be quiet let him ask you what you're thinking of, don't go straight to the point and tell him, tell him to guess and make sure he fulfills it

So he hurt the OP , by letting her spend the money she earned?

[catfeeder]

On 4/8/2024 at 1:27 PM, XT0290 said:

…My issue when I posted this was more of his lack of concern for my struggles. I appreciate all of you guys who have given your input 

I hear. Emotionally, I would have been done with him 8 years ago if my goal was marriage and family. As a woman, my fertility years are too limited to invest in anyone who didn’t share my goals at that time and act on them. So this is why I only addressed the practical side of this. I believed that you were okay with years going nowhere beyond a transactional agreement.

So let this incident be your compass if you want more from a lover than this guy has delivered, because you are correct in viewing this as clarity about the limits of his investment in you.

I’m so sorry, and my heart goes out to you.

[TeeDee]

Even if you add groceries & the cost of the cleaning person to  to the $300 "rent" it's unlikely that it would add up to enough to enable you to live independently of him.  I mean seriously, can you afford an apartment & basic living expenses? 

More than a chat with him you may need to start with a financial counselor.  You say you work in energy.  Although he makes $100k more than you, you still earn something.  You need to know how much you have coming in & going out.  Track where your money goes & readjust. 

Yes, it would have been better if he had been more empathetic to your stress but if he had a bitter divorce, money is most likely a sore subject for him so he doesn't want to open the can of worms if he fears that you are only with him for his money & that want to take advantage.   Rather use him as a resource for budgeting or maybe to get a better paying job, since you are in the same industry.   

[LootieTootie]

Please have a heart to heart with your 10-year boyfriend - agree with everything catfeeder said.

Groceries is expensive and you should not be taking that on yourself. Can I ask how you both came to the conclusion that you would buy all the groceries for you and him? Same with the cleaning lady?

 

[LotusBlack]

I don’t think OP got together with him for his money at all. She stated that they met and started dating before she even knew of his wealth, and in the 10 years since then, she’s not leant on him financially at all and I don’t think she expects it either - as she shouldn’t.

In addition, I think a lot of people on this forum live in countries where rent is paid monthly, so may be operating under the assumption that the OP is too. In Australia, we pay weekly or fortnightly (every 2 weeks). If indeed she is paying $300 monthly, that is a great price. If, as in my case, she is paying that per week or fortnight, it works out to be not such a cheap deal - particularly when he has no mortgage on the property as it is already paid for and she pays half of all utilities and bills.

I would also be concerned that he is allowing her to pay for all the groceries and housecleaning, which he equally benefits from as she does but contributed nothing to it financially. Unless she insisted on having a cleaner and he didn’t want one, I can’t see why she alone is paying for it. And there is definitely no reason she should be footing his food bill unless she pays for that by herself and he pays for something else they utilise by himself.

I am not sure if his lack of response was a result of lack of empathy and consideration or if he didn’t know how to respond to the situation - I can’t speak to that. But, his lack of interest in sharing living expenses fairly does imply lack of care.

[tattoobunnie]

On 4/8/2024 at 12:22 PM, XT0290 said:

We’re supposed to be a team...What should I do? 

No one can read your mind.  Tell him what you need.  And don't be stingy on yourself!  Your needs are just as important as his.  He profits off of you if you didn't realize this just yet.