Please tell me this behaviour is not normal?

[justme80]

I am 45 male, dating a 40 year old female. We have been together just over 12 months. We do not live together, we don't have any children. We see each other every weekend. The past 4 months with her have been a living hell.

She snaps and bites my head off at absolutely anything and everything that I do, even when I'm helping her and doing something nice for her. It feels like she purposefully looks for any opportunity to have a go at me, and its always over something so small and meaningless that its actually pathetic. Everything I do she reacts badly to. It can be something as small as pouring myself a drink, getting a towel to dry the pots, washing her car, you name it she snaps at me in a very aggressive manner. I don't rise or snap back to it because if i was to say something back to her its like adding fuel to a fire, it just makes her worse and you cant say anything back to her without making her even more angry. I have been making allowances for her behaviour because for the past few months she has been suffering with bad headaches and lack of sleep. She has been to see the doctor for the headaches but everything they prescribe for her doesn't work. But, for me now, enough is enough. I dont feel like i can talk to her in person about her behaviour towards me because anything you say to her, especially this subject she reacts in a angry way. She always seems to twist things around to make it look and feel like I am the one who is wrong. She even makes stories up about me in order to have a go at me and it makes me sometimes wonder to myself if it actually happened. Another example of how unbelievably nasty and weird she can be: I arrived at hers for the weekend and upon my arrival at her house I went to give her a kiss, she thrust her arm out to me and said really aggressively "DONT KISS ME I HAVE A COLDSORE" (she did have one to be fair). So i moved away, to which she then aggressively said "OH FINE, DONT KISS ME THEN", and made a huge deal of it! I Just cant do anything right!!!!

I met her mum appx 5 weeks ago and she treats her mother exactly the same way, even in front of me. At weekend I found an opportunity to speak to her mum in private about my GF. Her mother said she's always been this way and everything I told her sounds about right. It came as no surprise to her mother. 

My GF is a very negative person. She never sees the good in anything. She hates her 2 sisters and they don't talk. Also, my GF never wants to go out and do anything. I suggest we go out and do something, go for a nice walk with the dog, or go out for a meal etc etc. She either comes up with an excuse, or just plain ignores me. All she wants to do is lie down on the sofa and scroll through social media day and night.

Due to her behaviour I have been a little more quieter than normal with her when we text and are not together. She messaged me on Monday evening saying she is going to give me some space as she feels thats what i want. I found this a good opportunity to tell her why I have been quiet (due to the way she talks and snaps at me). I havent heard from her since.  

I guess I'm here just asking what this behaviour sounds like to anybody? Ive never experienced anything like before and I am trying to understand it. I know i cant go on being with her while she is like this. I just want to know is she suffering from some sort of mental illness? A breakdown? Im sick of being made to feel like im doing everything wrong when i know its the opposite. 

 

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter if her behavior is "normal" or why she's an insufferable PITA to be around. All that matters is, do you want to commit to a lifetime of this? If not, please realize it's not mandatory for you to remain in a relationship with anyone let alone someone who inflicts misery on everyone around her.

You can leave at any time. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, justme80 said:

 Due to her behaviour I have been a little more quieter than normal with her when we text and are not together. She messaged me on Monday evening saying she is going to give me some space as she feels thats what i want. I found this a good opportunity to tell her why I have been quiet (due to the way she talks and snaps at me). I havent heard from her since.  

Sorry to hear this. She seems difficult to be around. No one can diagnose her but you made the right call stepping back out of the line of fire. How is the relationship otherwise? Is this the same woman?

 

[justme80]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. She seems difficult to be around. No one can diagnose her but you made the right call stepping back out of the line of fire. How is the relationship otherwise? Is this the same woman?

 

yes, same woman. The thread you relate to, we never broke up, we just had some time apart, appx 7/8 weeks, we got back to seeing each other regularly and things were great up until the start of this year. 

I cant say there are many positives to the relationship right now, there used to be, but now, i cant say there is anything! We got a puppy together at the start of this year and thats the only joy i get from the relationship. The puppy lives at her home as my GF has a house, I have a flat. I guess im more worried about losing the puppy than i am my own GF!

i just want to understand her behaviour and why it is the way it is. I find it disturbing that she treats her own mother the same way she treats me. 

[bluecastle]

7 minutes ago, justme80 said:

i just want to understand her behaviour and why it is the way it is.

Well, her own mother explained it pretty directly: this is just how she is. 

Now, if you want a more highbrow explanation, one could say something to the effect that we all develop a way of being to cope with the daily challenge of existing in the world. Those who opt to be negative and snappish have found in that a certain comfort, maybe a version of the illusion of control we all seek in different ways. 

But here’s the thing: there is a super slippery slope that comes when we get obsessive about “understanding” a certain person. Very quickly it can become a way from hiding from ourselves or avoiding even more difficult questions along the lines of: What is it in me that continues to accept this?

Sounds like, in the grand scheme of things, you two enjoyed a very short period where things were nice. Time has revealed that to have been the exception, not the rule, a very common (and always sad) place to land after a year with some. But perhaps even sadder (to say nothing of more hurtful) is to continue to imagine she may magically return to being the person you wish she would be as opposed to the person she truly is. 

[Coily]

You're enabling a woman-child who is gaslighting you. Trust your instincts. Please pay attention to all theses red flags. Hopefully when you are free of her,  lies and gaslighting, you'll be able to find someone decent to date. Try to snap out of whatever Svengali-like effect she has on you for your own sanity and dignity. 

Please read up on "red flags for abusive relationships". You're trying to make sense out of nonsense from her. The question isn't what is normal behavior for insecure people, the question is trying to see through the gaslighting and cognitive dissonance that subtle, yet erosive mental and emotional abuse causes.

Abusers want power and control. Keeping you off balance, generating chaos and keeping you upset is fun for them. They enjoy being sadistic puppeteers and watching you squirm and  feel helpless and hopeless at their fingertips.

She's not going to change. Please read up as much as you can on mental abuse so you can come out of the fog she creates and see clearly.

[justme80]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Well, her own mother explained it pretty directly: this is just how she is. 

Now, if you want a more highbrow explanation, one could say something to the effect that we all develop a way of being to cope with the daily challenge of existing in the world. Those who opt to be negative and snappish have found in that a certain comfort, maybe a version of the illusion of control we all seek in different ways. 

But here’s the thing: there is a super slippery slope that comes when we get obsessive about “understanding” a certain person. Very quickly it can become a way from hiding from ourselves or avoiding even more difficult questions along the lines of: What is it in me that continues to accept this?

Sounds like, in the grand scheme of things, you two enjoyed a very short period where things were nice. Time has revealed that to have been the exception, not the rule, a very common (and always sad) place to land after a year with some. But perhaps even sadder (to say nothing of more hurtful) is to continue to imagine she may magically return to being the person you wish she would be as opposed to the person she truly is. 

Yes you are correct, we had a short period of time where things were paradise. Your words are very true and you have hit the nail on the head. 

[justme80]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

You're enabling a woman-child who is gaslighting you. Trust your instincts. Please pay attention to all theses red flags. Hopefully when you are free of her,  lies and gaslighting, you'll be able to find someone decent to date. Try to snap out of whatever Svengali-like effect she has on you for your own sanity and dignity. 

Please read up on "red flags for abusive relationships". You're trying to make sense out of nonsense from her. The question isn't what is normal behavior for insecure people, the question is trying to see through the gaslighting and cognitive dissonance that subtle, yet erosive mental and emotional abuse causes.

Abusers want power and control. Keeping you off balance, generating chaos and keeping you upset is fun for them. They enjoy being sadistic puppeteers and watching you squirm and  feel helpless and hopeless at their fingertips.

She's not going to change. Please read up as much as you can on mental abuse so you can come out of the fog she creates and see clearly.

I appreciate this thank you, I will read up on this. 

Its funny you use the word "gaslighting", because last year when my GF fell out with her sister, her sister called her a gaslighter. My GF would even joke to me saying "haha apparently im a gaslighter". I now she that she actually is!

 

[bluecastle]

Just now, justme80 said:

we had a short period of time where things were paradise.

It’s always a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s just not that rare to have a brief period of “paradise” with another human. Rare is when it expands rather than contracts. 

[boltnrun]

Abusive people never act abusive in the beginning. If they did they would never get anyone to agree to be in a relationship with them.

And it works like a charm. You're emotionally attached to her so you're hoping to "understand" her behavior so you can give yourself permission to remain in the relationship. Bipolar? Depressed? Stressed? BPD? Not her fault, she's "hurting", and that means you can't leave her because what kind of monster leaves a woman when she's in such pain?

It's all calculated BS to get you to stick around so she can continue to enjoy berating you. Yes, she does too enjoy it! That's precisely why she does it.

Alternatively, she could just be acting so badly so she can get you to leave her. Maybe she met someone at her horse stable hobby or at work or in her neighborhood or whatever. And she doesn't want to be the "bad guy". She gets you to breakup with her and she gets to lament about how she just doesn't know why you left wonderful little her!

Neither of these possibilities sounds warm and fuzzy, do they? 

If you don't like being treated this way you have the option to leave the relationship. Again, you are not required to remain in a relationship with anyone. You are free to go. 

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others. Why would you put up with this for this long??

[tattoobunnie]

You are out of the honeymoon phase, and are getting the real her.

Get your own pup.  None of them need a house, just good stimulation and exercise.

[catfeeder]

41 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Well, her own mother explained it pretty directly: this is just how she is. 

Yep, at least it's how she is with people who are close to her. She might be kind to neighbors or in front of others, but her default demeanor, once she takes a person for granted, is mistreatment.

I like to think of this as a 'Groucho Marx' problem, where "I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me." She thinks so little of herself that once you demonstrate that you think highly of her, she thinks you must be stupid because she's fooled you into liking her. From there, she believes she has license to walk all over you, AND, since you put up with it, you've confirmed that for her.

It's a no-win, basically.

Quote

... What is it in me that continues to accept this?

THAT is the most important question to ask, and growing attached to her puppy is your excuse to sabotage your own exit. You're holding that up as your barrier to escape, but it's not a valid reason for putting up with an abusive person's mistreatment.

Life is too short to tank your own happiness because you don't believe that you can find someone better. It's a vicious cycle--you allow someone to treat you like a worm, then you start feeling like a worm, so you believe that nobody else on the planet could possible love a worm.

I hope you'll consider counseling to dig yourself out of that hole you keep drilling into by staying with this woman. She's horrible, and hopefully you can accept that you DO deserve better.

[boltnrun]

 

[justme80]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

You are out of the honeymoon phase, and are getting the real her.

Get your own pup.  None of them need a house, just good stimulation and exercise.

sadly i cant because my landlord wont allow animals in the flat i rent. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, justme80 said:

I met her mum appx 5 weeks ago and she treats her mother exactly the same way, even in front of me. At weekend I found an opportunity to speak to her mum in private about my GF. Her mother said she's always been this way and everything I told her sounds about right. It came as no surprise to her mother. 

I don't know why you continue with her at all?  You've been informed by the one who DOES know her the best!

I guess it was bound to happen in time, she was just holding back until she couldn't 'fake it', anymore.

Be done with this .... irate woman!  ( You already know you'll never win) 😕 .

Oh, and don't play her 'head games' either.  Some thrive on that.... Have your say and run .. far away! 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, justme80 said:

 we just had some time apart, appx 7/8 weeks, we got back to seeing each other regularly and things were great up until the start of this year.  We got a puppy together at the start of this year 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

It's interesting that you got a puppy together as a sort of way to reconnect and that's when things went downhill. In your other thread you mentioned you were staying at her place every weekend,all weekend and she wanted space then. Now it seems she's aggressively pushing you away. 

[smackie9]

No not normal...could be suffering from BPD, bi-polar disorder, some kind of chemical imbalance, or pri-menopause/ drop in hormones. but what ever the cause you need to get the f out of there and don't look back. She knows she has a problem and she's not doing anything about it to resolve it. That's your cue to leave. 

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, justme80 said:

sadly i cant because my landlord wont allow animals in the flat i rent. 

Then, find a new place.  Either way, it's time to move on.  If you had dated for years, I would say, maybe something is up.  But after 8 months, she is letting her freak flag fly.  She is telling you who she really is now.

[justme80]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

No not normal...could be suffering from BPD, bi-polar disorder, some kind of chemical imbalance, or pri-menopause/ drop in hormones. but what ever the cause you need to get the f out of there and don't look back. She knows she has a problem and she's not doing anything about it to resolve it. That's your cue to leave. 

I think the biggest part of the problem is, she actually doesnt acknowledge there is a problem. 

[justme80]

I will be open and honest with you all, my one and only concern right now is I still want to be able to see the puppy when we break up. Obviously I would collect the puppy and take her out by myself and then return her. I love the dog more than life itself and we have a great relationship. Im scared of my GF not allowing me to see the puppy after the break up. 

[boltnrun]

Sorry, but this sounds like an excuse to keep seeing her.

Let me give you a heads up on what's likely to happen. You'll insist you still need to see the puppy. So you ask her to let you see it. She may fight you on this until she sees it as a golden opportunity. She might act as sweet as she was in the beginning to get you to soften towards her. She may even entice you into having some mind blowing sex. Then when she thinks she has you hooked again she'll go back to being the real her. You'll be hoping somehow it'll all work out so you'll stick around. Maybe even do things for her to get her to be nice again. But it's a game to her. She's either a really awful person or she's got something wrong with her that convinces her you deserve this treatment. So she'll keep it up until you're such a mess you can't tell which way is up. 

Ask me how I know this, BTW.

There was a thread that got deleted here because it was too upsetting. But it was written by a man who also couldn't pull himself away from a toxic woman because he was convinced he "loved" her and that he could somehow find a way to get her to be nice to him again. Let's just say it ended very badly.

With the thousands of women in the world, why attach yourself to a toxic one?

If you really want a pet, look into how you can move somewhere that allows pets. 

[justme80]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry, but this sounds like an excuse to keep seeing her.

Let me give you a heads up on what's likely to happen. You'll insist you still need to see the puppy. So you ask her to let you see it. She may fight you on this until she sees it as a golden opportunity. She might act as sweet as she was in the beginning to get you to soften towards her. She may even entice you into having some mind blowing sex. Then when she thinks she has you hooked again she'll go back to being the real her. You'll be hoping somehow it'll all work out so you'll stick around. Maybe even do things for her to get her to be nice again. But it's a game to her. She's either a really awful person or she's got something wrong with her that convinces her you deserve this treatment. So she'll keep it up until you're such a mess you can't tell which way is up. 

Ask me how I know this, BTW.

There was a thread that got deleted here because it was too upsetting. But it was written by a man who also couldn't pull himself away from a toxic woman because he was convinced he "loved" her and that he could somehow find a way to get her to be nice to him again. Let's just say it ended very badly.

With the thousands of women in the world, why attach yourself to a toxic one?

If you really want a pet, look into how you can move somewhere that allows pets. 

Sex?! Ha ha ! Whats that?!! We havent been intimate in a LONG LONG time!

I do deeply appreciate your advice and replies, but, I can assure you i am not trying to cling onto anything to do with her as a person. I wont insist on seeing the puppy. If she says no then there is nothing i can do. Even though when we got the puppy she reffered to it as "our dog", she paid for it, and it lives at her house. I have financially contributed towards its upbringing so far, but that doesnt mean anything. It was fully her idea to get the dog. If she says no to me seeing the dog there is nothing I can do about seeing it. Either way, if I get to see the dog or not, I cant have anything more to do with my GF. 

[bluecastle]

22 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I will be open and honest with you all, my one and only concern right now is I still want to be able to see the puppy when we break up.

There are things we invariably have to mourn when ending any relationship. Good sex, say, or a cozy human pillow alongside with to watch Netflix. And, quite often, pets. 

I get that it's heartbreaking, but I think you need to ask: Which is greater, the pain of no longer having a relationship with this puppy, or the pain of staying with her/having regular contact with her?

Flash forward to 8 months from now, as a thought experiment: You're dating someone new, it's going well, and you have to explain how you have an occasionally temperamental relationship with an ex with whom you share a puppy. How do you think that lands, with a potential partner? Do you want that moment, or some version of it, for the next 10-15 years? 

All of which is a lot of words to say that, in your shoes, I would let this puppy go whenever you are ready to let the relationship go. I would focus on something beautiful but presently bittersweet—that one indisputably wonderful thing about the past year is that it let you know how much you love having a dog in your life. And then I would look into moving into a flat that allowed pets, and spend some time on adoption sites to find the companion that best suits my new, and much lighter, life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I am surprised no one has asked this, but did her personality begin changing (agree, it's abusive) around the same time as she began getting the bad headaches and insomnia?  

It's odd that this is happening after six months, what was she like previously?

Has she had an MRI done?

I dont want to alarm you, but my brother died last from a series of brain tumors that caused his personality to change drastically!!

Not abusive but extremely irritable and aggressive, which was not his nature. 

That started with severe headaches and insomnia.  They went ignored until he had a seizure after which it was too late to treat. 😞