Please tell me this behaviour is not normal?

[justme80]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am surprised no one has asked this, but did her personality begin changing (agree, it's abusive) around the same time as she began getting the bad headaches and insomnia?  

It's odd that this is happening after six months, what was she like previously?

Has she had an MRI done?

I dont want to alarm you, but my brother died last from a series of brain tumors that caused his personality to change drastically!!

That started with severe headaches and insomnia.  They went ignored until he had a seizure after which it was too late to treat. 

 

 

So, yes, her personality changes have changed since the headaches and lack of sleep, this is why I have been making allowance's for her behaviour towards me.  She has been to the doctors 5 times in the past few months. They have given her tablets which are doing nothing at all for her. She went back to the doctors recently and they have agreed the next step is an MRI scan, which she has in 2 weeks. The headaches were that bad she had a month off work in February. She says she can not remember a time when she did NOT have a bad headache.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, justme80 said:

So, yes, her personality changes have changed since the headaches and lack of sleep, this is why I have been making allowance's for her behaviour towards me.  She has been to the doctors 5 times in the past few months. They have given her tablets which are doing nothing at all for her. She went back to the doctors recently and they have agreed the next step is an MRI scan, which she has in 2 weeks. The headaches were that bad she had a month off work in February. She says she can not remember a time when she did NOT have a bad headache.  

Yeah, there's definitely something going on there, I'm happy to hear she's having the MRI done....

Chronic headaches that are severe don't happen out of nowhere, there a reason. 

And it's a fact that a brain tumor located in a certain area of the brain can impact personality and cause aggressiveness, etc. 

[boltnrun]

What doesn't fit into the potential medical diagnosis theory is her mother saying she's always been like this.

However it is entirely possible she has some undiagnosed medical condition. It's good she is under the care of a doctor. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What doesn't fit into the potential medical diagnosis theory is her mother saying she's always been like this.

That's why I asked OP what her behavior was like the six months prior to this happening and her headaches and insomnia? 

He said the past four months, it's been a nightmare.

He hasn't answered but context is important.

If she's always had an aggressive nature, then it's possible something may be exacerbating it into actual abuse.  Or not. 

I am not a medical professional so yes it's very good she's getting the MRI.

 

[justme80]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's why I asked OP what her behavior was like the six months prior to this happening and her headaches and insomnia? 

He said the past four months, it's been a nightmare.

He hasn't answered but context is important.

If she's always had an aggressive nature, then it's possible something may be exacerbating it into actual abuse.  Or not. 

I am not a medical professional so yes it's very good she's getting the MRI.

 

The aggressive nature towards me has been occurring since the beginning of this year. Prior to this she never lost her temper. 

She does however have a track record of falling out with her relatives and it lasts a very long time. At the beginning of our relationship she fell out with her mother and they didn't speak for appx 3 months. She then fell out with her eldest sister at Easter of LAST year, and they still don't speak, and her other sister she fell out with in August and they are still not speaking. She loves to bad mouth her sister and anything her sister does winds her up whatever it is, even when it has nothing to do with her. She really can be odd (well, odd to me!)

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Can you talk about her nice qualities?  What attracted you to her?  

I'm quite an empathetic person but she does not sound like a pleasant person in general.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, justme80 said:

So, yes, her personality changes have changed since the headaches and lack of sleep, this is why I have been making allowance's for her behaviour towards me.  She has been to the doctors 5 times in the past few months. They have given her tablets which are doing nothing at all for her. She went back to the doctors recently and they have agreed the next step is an MRI scan, which she has in 2 weeks. The headaches were that bad she had a month off work in February. She says she can not remember a time when she did NOT have a bad headache.  

Maybe - menopause/perimenopause? I hope for her sake she gets the MRI scan.  Good luck and take care.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, justme80 said:

The aggressive nature towards me has been occurring since the beginning of this year. Prior to this she never lost her temper. 

Please don't worry about her family relationships. It doesn't strengthen your case against her. Please focus on how turbulent the relationship has been overall dating way back before headaches and puppies.

She was often pushing you away because you were camping at her place too much in the past and unfortunately getting that puppy together sounds almost like a reason to drag out the relationship even though you're unhappy and seem to despise her.

You can just break up if you want to. You don't need an MRI report to end an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. 

[DarkCh0c0]

So the honey moon stage is over (usually it lasts between 6-18 months), and you've been seeing her true colours. She is an abusive angry manipulative mess.

PLEASE trust your feelings and judgements about this and take the necessary action.

Otherwise, you're signing up for a life of instability and hell.

[MissCanuck]

Forget what is behind her behaviour for a moment - what is behind yours? 

Meaning, do you have a history of staying in toxic relationships? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? This relationship is toast either way, but you would be better served by understanding what attracts you to this chaos and why haven't already left. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What doesn't fit into the potential medical diagnosis theory is her mother saying she's always been like this.

It's because she is like this. The headache just exacerbates her behaviour.

OP her behaviour is not normal. Anger and manipulation do not equal love. These are not loving behaviour.

[justme80]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Forget what is behind her behaviour for a moment - what is behind yours? 

Meaning, do you have a history of staying in toxic relationships? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? This relationship is toast either way, but you would be better served by understanding what attracts you to this chaos and why haven't already left. 

 

I do not have a habit of staying in toxic relationships. I am a very independent guy who before i met my GF i was single for 12 years, through my choice. She is my third serious relationship in my life. I am a very confident guy whos head is screwed on. 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I do not have a habit of staying in toxic relationships. I am a very independent guy who before i met my GF i was single for 12 years, through my choice. She is my third serious relationship in my life. I am a very confident guy whos head is screwed on. 

So what is it you're getting out of this relationship? You say sex is non-existent, she's been horrible to you for months and before that she greatly reduced the amount of time you two spent together due to her horse hobby and other interests. It can't just be because she got a puppy and said you two can "share" it.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can you talk about her nice qualities?  What attracted you to her?  

^^Asking again @justme80.....

So far we've just heard the bad and ugly, 

What's the good?  

What about her caused you to fall in love with her? 

[justme80]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Asking again @justme80.....

So far we've just heard the bad and ugly, 

What's the good?  

What about her caused you to fall in love with her? 

Currently, now, there is nothing pleasant. We never go out even though i regularly suggest things. I am walking on egg shells around her. But what attracted me in the first place was we got on very well, we share the same values, she was kind, thoughtful towards me, caring, we did things together frequently that made us happy. 

[justme80]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what is it you're getting out of this relationship? You say sex is non-existent, she's been horrible to you for months and before that she greatly reduced the amount of time you two spent together due to her horse hobby and other interests. It can't just be because she got a puppy and said you two can "share" it.

I get nothing from the relationship apart from grief. I have outlined that. I wasnt here to ask if i should stay or leave, I was here asking to understand why her behaviour is like what it is. To understand for my own sanity, because she has been manipulating me to think everything is my fault. 

[tattoobunnie]

I stuck around in this one relationship far too long for a dog too that I was trying to adopt.  He used the dog to jerk me around.  So, I got my own dog, and she is now 14, so 14+ years and counting of tons of love.  You may love the dog, but it's not yours, and you need to move on.  Focus on getting a place that you can get a dog of your own that you don't need to eat a pound of poop to see them. 

 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I get nothing from the relationship apart from grief. I have outlined that. I wasnt here to ask if i should stay or leave, I was here asking to understand why her behaviour is like what it is. To understand for my own sanity, because she has been manipulating me to think everything is my fault. 

We can't know "why", we can only speculate.

If you never find out "why", can you still move on?

[DarkCh0c0]

22 minutes ago, justme80 said:

, I was here asking to understand why her behaviour is like what it is

Because this is who she is. This is how she is wired.

That's why.

Nothing you can do can change that. She revealed her true colours once you started getting attached and comfortable. It's a very common tactic by abusers.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, justme80 said:

, I was here asking to understand why her behaviour is like what it is. To understand for my own sanity, because she has been manipulating me to think everything is my fault. 

It's very common for fighting couples to blame the demise of the relationship on the other,of course with a few personality disorders thrown in.  You know the answer if you reflect on what specifically she claims is "your fault" and what her complaints about you were. 

[smackie9]

Well.... sit tight a wait for the results.

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, justme80 said:

I do not have a habit of staying in toxic relationships. I am a very independent guy who before i met my GF i was single for 12 years, through my choice. She is my third serious relationship in my life. I am a very confident guy whos head is screwed on. 

So what are you doing in such a bad relationship? 

Something isn't lining up between your perception of yourself and your own choices here. 

[justme80]

So a small update. I have heard from her saying "I think a weekend to ourselves might be best". That's not a problem for me, it was expected, and I agree with her. We usually spend every weekend together from Friday evening to Sunday. I have messaged her back saying that's not a problem, and that i know she's not herself recently and i think i understand why (headaches/lack of sleep, stress at work, etc.), and that I'm here if she wants to talk. She replied back in what i can only interpret as yet again an aggressive manner by saying "I'm fine, i wish you would stop second guessing that something is wrong with me". I know her well enough to know that something isn't quite right, even though she says she's fine.. Her moods have been horrific, she has been snapping at me & her mother, and, she has barely spoke to me the past 2 weeks when normally she messages me A LOT during the day about anything and everything. I haven't even had a single message from her in 4 days. So its very clear she's not fine. I will give her space, I will leave her be to figure it out herself.

People here are rightly asking my why I have stuck around with her while shes been treating me this way. I have been making allowance's for her because her behavior has coincided with her bad and constant headaches and lack of sleep. She has been under medication but its not been working. She is going for an MRI scan in a week or so. 

[justme80]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So what are you doing in such a bad relationship? 

Something isn't lining up between your perception of yourself and your own choices here. 

The reason I am still with her is because her mood changes towards me have changed at the same time of her bad headaches and lack of sleep. She has been on medication which isnt working. She goes for an MRI scan soon. I guess I have been making allowances and trying to be understanding, as hard as it is. I have been hoping once (or if) the doctors have it sorted she would be better.

[Batya33]

I think she's irritated because you're acting -with respect!! - like a doormat -she treats you like dog poo, then doesn't want to see  you and your response is - please please be nasty again! -if she wanted your "help" she'd ask for it instead of space.  She knows she's acting in a nasty way and maybe -possibly-she simply wants space so she can not continuously unleash - maybe she's realizing it's not normal and she's tired of being around you which "triggers" her.    It probably came across as weak and also patronizing.

She might very well be ill but as others have said that's not license to act that way.  Also acting out to one's mother is a bit different -the history/the relationship.  I can't really explain further I just know as the daughter of a mom I love to the moon and back and who can annoy me in only a way a mom can like I annoy my teenage son (no I don't act nasty -I do my best not to! - but I get it).

Something doesn't add up I agree- I see you have a good heart and good intentions and I also like someone else wrote wonder about your choices and the inconsistency with what you describe as your past relationships etc