Please tell me this behaviour is not normal?

[justme80]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she's irritated because you're acting -with respect!! - like a doormat -she treats you like dog poo, then doesn't want to see  you and your response is - please please be nasty again! -if she wanted your "help" she'd ask for it instead of space.  She knows she's acting in a nasty way and maybe -possibly-she simply wants space so she can not continuously unleash - maybe she's realizing it's not normal and she's tired of being around you which "triggers" her.    It probably came across as weak and also patronizing.

She might very well be ill but as others have said that's not license to act that way.  Also acting out to one's mother is a bit different -the history/the relationship.  I can't really explain further I just know as the daughter of a mom I love to the moon and back and who can annoy me in only a way a mom can like I annoy my teenage son (no I don't act nasty -I do my best not to! - but I get it).

I just want to know what I do that annoys her so much. It sounds like im blowing my own trumpet, but i always avoid confrontation, i get on with everyone, im a very understanding guy, im open and honest, i willingly do loads for her. I feel unappreciated at the moment. The sad thing is i guess I am making allowances right now due to her headaches. I get the feeling shes freaking out. I think shes got in the back of her mind its perimenopause, or something even more serious. She cant handle any kind of stress or pressure and recently she has been really stressing and moaning to me about her job. She gets very worked up. Also, she seems to be obsessed with her sister who she no longer speaks To. Anything her sister does my GF gets all angry towards when its nothing to do with her. 

Its not nice being pushed away and treated so badly when all im trying to do is help and be a good partner to her. The worst part is I feel like she sees me as doing nothing for her and even a hinderance. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I just want to know what I do that annoys her so much. It sounds like im blowing my own trumpet, but i always avoid confrontation, i get on with everyone, im a very understanding guy, im open and honest, i willingly do loads for her. I feel unappreciated at the moment. The sad thing is i guess I am making allowances right now due to her headaches. I get the feeling shes freaking out. I think shes got in the back of her mind its perimenopause, or something even more serious. She cant handle any kind of stress or pressure and recently she has been really stressing and moaning to me about her job. She gets very worked up. Also, she seems to be obsessed with her sister who she no longer speaks To. Anything her sister does my GF gets all angry towards when its nothing to do with her. 

Its not nice being pushed away and treated so badly when all im trying to do is help and be a good partner to her. The worst part is I feel like she sees me as doing nothing for her and even a hinderance. 

It's annoying to ask someone who's asked you for space and treated you like dog poo to ask to be treated like dog poo again and not to give space -she wanted space -obviously she doesn't want to talk - she knows she's treated you like dog poo so to her it's going to come across really weak and/or disingenous on your part to say "oh I want to be there for you -hope you feel better - I know you're struggling!" - you've told her that already and she's wondering -what is wrong with this person - I told him -go away! -I treat him like dog poo and he disrespects my need for space and now is patronizing me and basically offering to "help" a person who is obviously not inclined to give him the time of day? She obviously is mouthy so she's not going to just say "oh how sweet. no thank you" - she is wrong to be nasty back -but I would be annoyed too at a person who reacted like you -I just wouldn't show it.

I don't think you're trying to help.  I think you're biased -part of you is thoughtful and  the other part wants approval from her -to tell you - OMG I'm so sorry I've been such a witch -it's not you it's me and I will try harder and I want to be with you.  You're the wrong person to help.

[East4]

On 4/3/2024 at 5:29 PM, justme80 said:

The puppy lives at her home as my GF has a house, I have a flat. 

 

OP, do you always go to your GF's house? Perhaps she is fed up with hosting you at her house every weekend, feeding you and paying higher utility bills because of you. Perhaps she is growing resentful if you overstayed your welcome. Have you thought about that? Are you contributing financially to the weekends, or you profit from her hospitality?

[East4]

I think that people here are very quick to judge OP's GF, forgetting that we only know his side of the story. 

I also noticed that OP consistently avoids WM's suggestion that OP has been camping at his GF's house every single weekend. But he very willingly builds upon every single comment alluding that his GF is a nut job.

To be honest if I work Mo-Fri and then my BF comes to my house Fri night through Sun evening,I would definitively feel smothered and snappy. I would also feel resentful that he eats on my dime.

It is not for a first time that people come to the forum to obtain validation that they have been wronged by their SO, conveniently ommiting part of the facts. The forum users normally just map their personal experiences on to the situation at hand, instead of trying to be objective and rational.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, justme80 said:

"I think a weekend to ourselves might be best". . We usually spend every weekend together from Friday evening to Sunday. . She replied back  "I'm fine, i wish you would stop second guessing that something is wrong with me". 

Please give her the space she's asking for. Camping out at her place all weekend every weekend is exhausting and suffocating. It's been the issue all along..

She has clearly explained what's annoying her and that is the assumption that you know her better than she knows herself. Again very suffocating. 

[justme80]

1 hour ago, East4 said:

OP, do you always go to your GF's house? Perhaps she is fed up with hosting you at her house every weekend, feeding you and paying higher utility bills because of you. Perhaps she is growing resentful if you overstayed your welcome. Have you thought about that? Are you contributing financially to the weekends, or you profit from her hospitality?

Im glad you raise these questions. So, yes, I goto hers every weekend and I have done for the most part. This is due to the fact that she owns 2 horses at a stables very close to her home and she needs to tend to them twice a day (once in the morning, and once early evening, each day). She outlined from early on in our relationship that it would be a huge help to her if I stayed at hers rather than her coming to mine due to the horses, and this has never been a problem on my part. Infact when im at hers I come and help with all the jobs every single time.  So far this year she has been attending more and more horse shows with her horse and she needs me to come and help her with that, which I have been doing and im more than happy to do so. 

I have ALWAYS contributed towards groceries when I stay. More often than not she insists on takeaway which I always pay for, not sometimes, ALWAYS. I take all my own toiletries, toothpaste, shower gel, towel etc etc. I am very clean and tidy and respect her home. I do house hold chores, i wash her car, i help with the horses, and the dog. I do all these things of my own accord and i do it willingly. 

I have always said to her if she ever wanted a weekend(s) to herself then all she has to do is say. 

[justme80]

10 minutes ago, East4 said:

I think that people here are very quick to judge OP's GF, forgetting that we only know his side of the story. 

I also noticed that OP consistently avoids WM's suggestion that OP has been camping at his GF's house every single weekend. But he very willingly builds upon every single comment alluding that his GF is a nut job.

To be honest if I work Mo-Fri and then my BF comes to my house Fri night through Sun evening,I would definitively feel smothered and snappy. I would also feel resentful that he eats on my dime.

It is not for a first time that people come to the forum to obtain validation that they have been wronged by their SO, conveniently ommiting part of the facts. The forum users normally just map their personal experiences on to the situation at hand, instead of trying to be objective and rational.

A very assumptions post without allowing me to explain to your previous post, which I have replied to. 

I would also like to add that she asks for my help with the horses as she struggles, as through the week she gets her mum to help when im not there. So I would say me being there is to her gain. 

Also adding she is a school teacher so gets more time off than most. 

I have never actually called her a "nut job" as you quote, only you so far has mentioned this term. 

Perhaps infuture wait for the reply to your questions before jumping the gun.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, justme80 said:

.i have always said to her if she ever wanted a weekend(s) to herself then all she has to do is say. 

That's what she's doing now,so all you can do is give her space and stay busy with your own apartment friends and family. Even though you seem concerned it could come across as patronizing and condescending to her based on her reaction. Step back. 

[justme80]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's what she's doing now,so all you can do is give her space and stay busy with your own apartment friends and family. Even though you seem concerned it could come across as patronizing and condescending to her based on her reaction. Step back. 

I totally respect, understand and appreciate that she wants some space. With the way she has been acting towards me of recent times I am glad of it.  I guess the good person that i am is always making allowances for her. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I guess the good person that i am is always making allowances for her.

She doesn't seem to want you to "make allowances" for her. In fact it comes across as condescending to tell her "I know you're struggling". It sounds as though you find her defective.

Now, her lashing out is not the way to resolve conflicts. But she has asked you for space, not an evaluation and commentary on her behavior or her health. 

Please resist the temptation to reach out to "check in" on her. If she needs help she will ask. 

[justme80]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She doesn't seem to want you to "make allowances" for her. In fact it comes across as condescending to tell her "I know you're struggling". It sounds as though you find her defective.

Now, her lashing out is not the way to resolve conflicts. But she has asked you for space, not an evaluation and commentary on her behavior or her health. 

Please resist the temptation to reach out to "check in" on her. If she needs help she will ask. 

I wont be checking in and she is the type of person who will not ask for help, if needed. Her own mother even said to me recently its like she prefers to own the problem than seek a solution. Also, its minor, but i never actually said she was "struggling" as you have quoted. But i do appreciate your replies. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, justme80 said:

I wont be checking in and she is the type of person who will not ask for help, if needed. Her own mother even said to me recently its like she prefers to own the problem than seek a solution. 

Then leave her to it. She will follow her own preferences, not yours. I'm sure if she wants to see you she will let you know. 

In the meantime you have the ability to have your weekends to yourself to do whatever you choose.