I’m not sure how this girl feels about me

[Darrinmtec]

I been hanging out with this girl.  We have met up 9 times now and I have developed feelings for her but each time we been out there has been no flirting or physical touch and not one of us have initiated it either.  There has also been no signs from her to even make a move either.  It’s getting kind of frustrating because im not sure how she feels.   Everytime I initiate she accepts but it seems it’s just not progressing the way I want.  Should I talk to her about it.  For content she has also just got out of a 4 year relationship 1 year ago also

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Darrinmtec said:

.  We have met up 9 times now and  There has also been no signs from her to even make a move either.    Everytime I initiate she accepts but it seems it’s just not progressing the way I want.  

What do you mean by when you initiate she accepts it? Going on dates or things like holding hands or something indicating she's interested in more than just friends or a shoulder to cry on about her ex? 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[ShySoul]

If this is the same woman as before, she indicated that is she is not interested in a relationship at this time. The gentlemanly thing to do is to respect that and give her the space she needs. Doesn't mean you can't be great friends and have great times together. It also doesn't exclude something happening in the future. But for now, respect her and just enjoy the time together.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds to me like for her she views you as a friend, someone to hang out with. Nothing more.

[TeeDee]

In 9 times neither of you have made a move.   The fact that you haven't made a move told her that you see her only as a friend.  She grew comfortable with that & you can't change it now.  Sorry.  You blew it.  

Women like men who flirt from the start   Your failure to do that doomed this.   You need to be more assertive. 

However, if ShySoul is correct & this woman has already told you that she doesn't see you as a romantic prospect, you need to respect that & move along.  Stop hanging around being an orbiter.  

[Kwothe28]

Let me quote myself from previous thread

 

“She literally told you that and that there is nothing there. Women have particular distinction when it comes to potential boyfriends and friends. If they like you they would want to be with you and wouldnt care about some ex. When they dont, you are "friend". Now you may ask why does she keeps you there knowing your intention? As an "orbiter". She likes your attention and she can "offload" about her ex to you. Something btw she would never do if she would even consider you as a "boyfriend material".

Get out of there. There is nothing there for you but misery.”

And here we are around 5 months later from that thread. And you found yourself exactly where I said you would. In a misery of a friendzone. Because you haven't left on time and still thought there is something there. While she told you its just friendship and nothing else. Get out of there until she starts dating other people and tell you about it. If she hasnt started that already.

[smackie9]

Totally friends zoned. 

[ShySoul]

Darrin, I don't think you've been friendzoned or that the issue is anything you did or didn't do to get her interested. I think you've simply wanted to see something in this that was simply not there. It sounds like her ex messed with her in some way and she wasn't ready to have any relationship. It could have been any guy she meet, at that point they wouldn't have gotten any further then you did. She was honest and up front about it, saying at this point she needed a friend. That you've been a friend is a great thing. 

I once was talking to a girl who had an ex come back into her life and wanted to get back with her. She had never fully gotten over him. People told me I was friendzoned, that if she wanted to be with me, she would forget the other guy and wouldn't be mentioning him. I didn't listen to them. I knew the mature thing to do was to listen to her. She said she needed a friend, so I was a friend. The other guy pushed and wasn't a friend. She soon realized it and dropped him. And I, the supportive friend, is the one who she choose. 

The important thing is to listen to her and trust her. If she is telling you that she doesn't want a relationship at this point in time, believe her. You can still be friends. You can still have fun together. The future could be anything. But respect her enough not to pursue something that she doesn't seem to be feeling.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Women like men who flirt from the start   Your failure to do that doomed this.   You need to be more assertive.

Depends on the woman. That I've been shy and non-assertive has actually gotten compliments from a good number of ladies. The girl mentioned above felt safe and comfortable with me, knowing I wasn't going to try for anything she wasn't comfortable with herself, a problem she had encountered with some of the more assertive guys. 

Basically, just be who you are. There's someone out there who likes any quality, and someone else who will not like it. So be you and you'll eventually attract someone who likes those same features.

[yogacat]

33 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

That I've been shy and non-assertive has actually gotten compliments from a good number of ladies. The girl mentioned above felt safe and comfortable with me, knowing I wasn't going to try for anything she wasn't comfortable with herself, a problem she had encountered with some of the more assertive guys. 

I can totally get into this.

I like when a man is not 100% aggressive.

In a way it's nice when you're dating a shy guy because it's sort of like he's being vulnerable... his vulnerable side is for you to see basically. But I like a man who knows when to be assertive and when to be vulnerable.

That said, meeting up nine times seems like a lot, even with the knowing that she’s one year out of a long-term relationship because the potential for new encounters would be very welcome. It also sounds like she hasn’t tried for or accepted physical advances at all really. She is exploring “happiness without being in a relationship.”

I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's a candidate for being with you. Nor can you succeed by pursuing her any stronger. I also wouldn't address these observations directly with her, but you can certainly - in a round-about way-mention what your hopes are. It might, just might, light a fuse under her.

Or, bring some much needed clarity.

[SooSad33]

On 3/17/2024 at 5:00 PM, Darrinmtec said:

There has also been no signs from her to even make a move either.  It’s getting kind of frustrating because im not sure how she feels.   Everytime I initiate she accepts but it seems it’s just not progressing the way I want.  Should I talk to her about it.  For content she has also just got out of a 4 year relationship 1 year ago also

I suggest you move on. Usually if someone is into you, you'll know and she's had numerous chances to do so.

Also the fact that she's had a kind of 'recent' BU of a long-term relation. She's probably not ready or truly interested in getting involved again.

 

[smackie9]

When I was young, I just gave excuses when I truly had no interest but liked the attention...BF without benefits. When the right guy came along that did catch my eye, I wasted no time going after him. That being said stop wasting your time. You obviously have an agenda to have a romantic relationship, but she put the brakes on that. When they come up with some excuse, that's when you depart. There is no lost opportunity if you quit her, but there is when you put your life on hold to hold onto hope when you should be looking elsewhere. Just saying....don't hold your breath. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 hours ago, ShySoul said:

That I've been shy and non-assertive has actually gotten compliments from a good number of ladies. The girl mentioned above felt safe and comfortable with me, knowing I wasn't going to try for anything she wasn't comfortable with herself, a problem she had encountered with some of the more assertive guys. 

There is truth to this^ and if a woman has been emotionally (or physically) messed with by guys (or even if she hasn't), yes she WILL very much appreciate a man like this.

Question is will it inspire feelings of romantic attraction in her (including physical and sexual)?  Which is what separates a friendship from a romantic relationship.

To the OP, you said you made no move yourself, you failed to escalate and make your attraction known to her. 

I fail to understand why you are now confused about her feelings when you yourself showed no romantic interest yourself?

The taking of her hand, a gentle kiss at the end of the date.  Even something as simple as the way you look at her can tell her how you feel.  Nothing overt or aggressive but something.

I disagree with you @ShySoulthat the OP or any man should just "be himself" which in this case essentially means do nothing. 

If he does nothing, nothing is going to happen!

People can debate this until hell freezes over but men and women are different - male/female polarity, yin/yang.   It's what attracts women to men and men to women.

It's not like she "just" ended her previous relationship, it's been one YEAR.

And trust me, when another man comes along who is not afraid to express his attraction and escalate - a kiss at the end of the date or during if the timing is right (nothing too overt or overly aggressive), she will be thinking about HIM and see him in a different light from how she sees you, which it appears at this point is that of a friend. 

 

 

[yogacat]

Not always^^.

I appreciate it because there are a lot of men out there that are aggressive (perhaps 'aggressive' is too strong of a word, albeit...) a guy with more restraint is a breath of fresh air. It has nothing to do with prior bad experiences, I’ve just always appreciated a guy that doesn’t push boundaries. In fact, a man I dated (the one that asked for a 'hug' that I commented in another thread), his restraint was a huge draw, as was his 0% aggression or 'hot man' attempts to be more than friends, etc. It ultimately led to more dates and romantic interaction...

I agree though, nine times being out with her is plenty to ascertain if she's interested. Only nine casual hang outs where no one initiates physical touch at all suggests either no attraction (regardless of no relationship) or that things are not moving toward dating.

The fact you were not sure about things means you should have initiated a gentle date type of hug though if nothing else.  With after nine dates, are you planning a few more 'just because', just for the privilege of hanging out with someone you might have deeper feelings for but don't know which way it's going after nine dates. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Not always^^

I appreciate it because there are a lot of men out there that are very aggressive so a guy with more restraint is a breath of fresh air. It has nothing to do with prior bad experiences, I’ve just always appreciated a guy that doesn’t push boundaries. 

I am not talking about pushing boundaries.  It has nothing to do with pushing boundaries. 

I'm referring to a man expressing his attraction.  Again, nothing overt or aggressive or "pushing."

The taking of her hand, a gentle kiss at the end of the date, the way he looks at her - something.  Letting her know he's attracted.

That's all.

Again, if a man does nothing, nothing is going to happen.

 

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am NOT talking about pushing boundaries. 

 

I'm just posting my thoughts. No where did I say anything that would imply I am dismissing your opinion or that my thoughts are the only correct ones or anything about you saying "pushing boundaries."

I am speaking on behalf of myself and the fact that my one and only example and preference.

Nothing more, nothing less. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, yogacat said:

I'm just posting my thoughts. No where did I say anything that would imply I am dismissing your opinion or that my thoughts are the only correct ones or anything about you saying "pushing boundaries."

Fair enough yoga, however it did appear you were responding to my post when you wrote "not always^^" directly after my post. 

And as such I was clarifying my thoughts. 

If I misinterpreted, my bad and apologies. 

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough yoga, however it did appear you were responding to my post when you wrote "not always^^" directly after my post. 

And as such I was clarifying my thoughts. 

If I misinterpreted, my bad and apologies. 

I am not sure why you're responding as if I didn't read your post. I'm following the main topic. Also, I just disagreed that the type of man would only be appreciated by women because of prior bad experiences with aggressive men as they're not the only women who can appreciate restraint.

I realize that you posted women that haven't had negative experiences too appreciate it as well, so just sharing that there are some women who admire the 'disposition' regardless of experiences, which seems innocuous enough to respectfully post a "on the flip side." 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I realize that you posted women that haven't had negative experiences too appreciate it as well...

Thank you for acknowledging this^^.  😀

 

[catfeeder]

On 3/17/2024 at 5:00 PM, Darrinmtec said:

Should I talk to her about it.

She's the only one with the answers. The rest of us can spin around and speculate, but you can already do that all by yourself. 

[Coily]

From my read of this, things will just kind of glide along until YOU do something about it OP. Now you have to ask yourself "Do you want to keep a friendship at all costs, one that will drag you through her finding someone else and you having to fake being happy with that? Or take the risk, and ask her for a date."

Personally, I would say to hades with the friendship. You will end up getting invited to the wedding if you don't express yourself. This isn't saying you should bleed your emotions all over her, or maul her while hanging out. You just need to tell her you want to take her on a date. Explicitly use the word "date."

otherwise you are stuck in a hell-loop of never knowing.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 3/18/2024 at 12:25 PM, ShySoul said:

I once was talking to a girl who had an ex come back into her life and wanted to get back with her. She had never fully gotten over him. People told me I was friendzoned, that if she wanted to be with me, she would forget the other guy and wouldn't be mentioning him. I didn't listen to them. I knew the mature thing to do was to listen to her. She said she needed a friend, so I was a friend. The other guy pushed and wasn't a friend. She soon realized it and dropped him. And I, the supportive friend, is the one who she choose. 

This^ is a great story and just goes to show things are never black and white, there are no absolutes.  What "works" (for lack of a better word) for one man may not work for another.  What one woman responds positively to may not be what another woman responds to.

@ShySoulmay I ask what happened with the woman you're referring to?  Did you end up dating?  Was it a long term RL?

Not to invalidate your experience or the opinion I just stated about things never being black and white, what I have learned is that people choose others and enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons, not necessarily because they are attracted to that person or believe they are their "person."

There are "placeholders," someone to alleviate loneliness, or to get over an ex or if a man/woman has good looks, money or status, someone may view that person as a good prospect for a relationship (or even marriage), just to name a few.  There are all sorts of reasons (including kindness) that have very little to do with actually being attracted or viewing that person as the right fit or "their person."

NOT suggesting that was what happened in the situation you posted above, I am just saying it does happen, I have seen it. 

Again, it's never black and white. 

OP, my advice is learn to trust your own instincts/intuition, make your interest known (respectfully), learn to read her body language, pay attention to her actions, gauge her reactions to your actions, and let chips fall where they may.