How to talk to my boyfriend about the “mental load”

[abbyyy]

I need some advice on how I can talk to my partner about the concept of the “mental load”. 

We have lived together for a few years now, don’t have any kids or plans to get married soon, are still in college, and split finances evenly. Despite all of this, I still find myself taking on the majority for what would be considered the “mental load”. For example, I do the grocery planning, grocery shopping, tracking supplies/ingredients, meal prep/plating, meal cleanup, dishes, sweeping, cleaning the fridge, remembering to pay all of the bills, splitting expenses and keeping track of them, driving, gas, washing towels/bed sheets, shopping for the pets and keeping track of what they are out of, etc. While he does some chores around the house I still do the majority of them and still have to be responsible for the mental work that goes into those tasks. When I last tried to bring this up he said that all I have to do is just ask … or if I ask him to pick out dinner he will say “well what do we have”. Lastly, I got frustrated today because I asked him to put away the groceries that I had just shopped for on my own and he kept asking me where everything should go because to him “I already knew” and it would be easier for me to tell him rather then for him to figure it out. I know some will argue that I should just stop doing those things but I would like to try communicating with him about this before I jump to doing that. 

Most articles I can find are geared towards mothers or married couples so I was hoping for some advice or resources that apply more for couples who live together. Thanks 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, abbyyy said:

. For example, I do the grocery planning, grocery shopping, , meal cleanup, dishes, sweeping, cleaning the fridge, remembering to pay all of the bills,  driving, gas, washing towels/bed sheets, shopping for the pets and keeping track of what they are out of, etc. 

Please stop mothering him. He doesn't have to lift a finger because you're pampering, enabling and mothering him this much. It's simple. Stop doing everything like you're the household slave. Is this the same man?

 

[Wonderstruck]

1 hour ago, abbyyy said:

Lastly, I got frustrated today because I asked him to put away the groceries that I had just shopped for on my own and he kept asking me where everything should go because to him “I already knew” and it would be easier for me to tell him rather then for him to figure it out. 

This is called "weaponized incompetence".

Basically, it's a way to avoid having to contribute equally to household or child-rearing tasks, by suggesting that it would just be easier if the other person did it because "they're better at it" or "they're the one that usually does it".

It's also a deliberate way to frustrate you so much that you will eventually give up and stop asking him to help you out.

What redeeming qualities does this guy have? He sounds AWFUL.

Do you really want to have to mother a grown man?

[Coily]

Since you are still invested in this guy, I think you need to consider some work around for him if you want to keep things going.

If dealing with this I would put down a schedule of chores, sticky notes to label the cabinets for groceries, and tell him he has to plan 3 (arbitrary number) meals a week. This is all to prime the pump so he know where things go, and what is needed.

Now that he can easily discover what goes where and when things get done, divide the tasks. If they don't get done, he gets to see the consequences. If he doesn't do the dishes, when he runs out of clean dishes tough trash. When he gets hungry on the days he planned dinner for, you go out and grab a bite alone.

Now this shouldn't be all punitive or viciously done. But show that you  need him helping around the house more. Men want to be needed, they want to open the proverbial pickle jar; os if that's there you can build together. if not... Then you  have to ask yourself is he worth the investment?

[TeeDee]

Oh dear.   I want to crawl through this screen & hug you.  

Just STOP.   Do what you can (easily) & have time for.  Leave the rest to him.  See what happens.  You do have to tell him in advance. 

 

I was shocked at how my husband stepped up.  Like me you may be happily surprised or you will know he's not worth the effort.  If the latter, suck it up for the rest of the semester, then use all those critical thinking skills you are learning & think long & think about what you really want to do next

[rainbowsandroses]

I just read your previous thread.  Same advice applies to this thread. 

Can you share what you actually find appealing about him?

It's troubling that, at your young age, you want to stay with him let alone live with him. 

[ShySoul]

The fustration here has nothing to do with any of these tasks. It's about his inability and lack of motivation to do ANYTHING in life. Articles geared towards mothers would probably be useful as he seems to be stuck in a child's mindset (and not in a good way). Perhaps if he wants to act like a child, you should just treat him as a child.... gold stars, timeouts, and all?

On the other hand, if you want to have an adult relationships, be honest. Don't sugarcoat it. Relationships should be 50/50. Each side should pull their own weight. Tell him you can't be expected to do everything. List out all the things you are responsible. Then show him a list of things he is responsible for. The disparity should be overwhelming. Explain you how unfair it is and how much it hurts and overwhelms you. Then just do the things that are essential and leave the rest. Don't overburden yourself. Or say you're splitting it now. You are buying your own groceries, cooking your own meal, cleaning your own dishes. If he wants those things, he can take care of them himself, you aren't doing it for him. 

And if he refuses to do anything, you are more then justified in stopping the relationship. A person can only do so much if the other person refuses to help themselves. You've tried and done your share. Sounds like you've been a saint and most people would have run away screaming a long time ago.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, abbyyy said:

I got frustrated today because I asked him to put away the groceries that I had just shopped for on my own and he kept asking me where everything should go because to him “I already knew” and it would be easier for me to tell him rather then for him to figure it out.

Yup, I would have gone ahead & told him to 'figure it out'.  By this time, HE should surely know where to put the foods .

Unless, you are VERY specific with everything, to where he feels he may not be adequate enough for you and try to avoid making you upset - if ya get what I mean?

And if this is how it's always been, could also be that he's too used to things this way now. So, just leaves it all up to you....

So, maybe just ease into your 'expectations' with him.  Give him small things to do and in time ask for more.  

 

[MissCanuck]

You have been mommying this guy for way too long. Your last thread is evidence of that, too. 

Googling articles about how to share the load isn't going to help you. Google instead how to stop enabling learned helplessness. You are as much a part of the problem as he is, in that you have made it easy for him to do almost nothing. 

The man is not a child. You treat him like one, though. It's time to look into your own tendencies and ask yourself why you continue to reward laziness and feigned incompetence. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You have been mommying this guy for way too long. Your last thread is evidence of that, too. 

Googling articles about how to share the load isn't going to help you. Google instead how to stop enabling learned helplessness. You are as much a part of the problem as he is, in that you have made it easy for him to do almost nothing. 

The man is not a child. You treat him like one, though. It's time to look into your own tendencies and ask yourself why you continue to reward laziness and feigned incompetence. 

 I agree. Also I'd make my own food/shop for own food/do my own laundry especially since there are no kids involved.

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, abbyyy said:

...I do the grocery planning, grocery shopping, tracking supplies/ingredients, meal prep/plating, meal cleanup, dishes, sweeping, cleaning the fridge, remembering to pay all of the bills, splitting expenses and keeping track of them, driving, gas, washing towels/bed sheets, shopping for the pets and keeping track of what they are out of, etc. 

Consider which things you'd need to do for yourself if you lived solo. That load is your own because you wouldn't give it up whether you had a roommate or not. You're in charge of running your own household to the degree that each task matters to YOU. Adding another person requires negotiation to keep your household running as YOU wish, because none of this matters to a person who doesn't care about it.

So you can keep any given chore OR you can trade for things that DO matter to a roommate. For instance, if you wouldn't want to eat a meal that he'd prepare, then keep the prep, but negotiate meal cleanup and dishes as a trade for every meal he wishes to share with you. If he'd like his laundry washed with yours, negotiate folding, remaking the bed with clean sheets, or any other chore, like sweeping, in exchange for that.

Lastly, if there are not enough tasks you're willing to request of him, then negotiate a reasonable rate of pay for performing them--OR both pitch in toward hiring someone else to do them. But the 'mental load'? That's yours no matter how you slice it or who you live with IF you want to live YOUR WAY.

[smackie9]

Here's what you do...you say, since you do 90% of the work, he can spend 30% or more towards the monthly budget to make up for your portion of the chores. Calculate for him how much it would cost to hire someone to do what you do, like what a laundromat would charge per load of laundry/folded, what it would cost to have groceries delivered ( IMO you should start doing this anyways or order online and he can pickup), and what it would cost to have a housekeeper. Hopefully that will make your point. You can start out doing things things together, like make him go with you shopping, and hand the groceries to him and direct him. Hand him the vacuum and you dust. etc