I don't want to live with my boyfriend/ other issues.

[lilliemay]

I really need a rant, I have been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, the relationship we have is one where he comes maybe one night during the week and every weekend. I was single for quite a few years and enjoyed my independence and when we started dating I explained this is my view on things. I don't want to live with a man. Never again or at least not while I have my kids age 6 and 14 at home, my life is so busy. I'm happy to continue as we are because our lives are so different. I have a routine with my kids during the week I'm non stop. Cooking cleaning doing homework the usual stuff. 

He on the other hand is very lonely, doesn't like his own space, relies on being with me every weekend. I wanted the Friday to myself a few weeks ago to spend some one on one time with my son.  He new my son was on the xbox my other son had my phone he messages me questioning well if those are doing that what are you doing....I hope I don't have to be worried. He is paranoid, insecure, and was a lot worse when we first met I had to keep on telling him it was to much and eventually he calmed down a lot but there's still insecurities there. If I go out which is very rare he will message me all night trying to have a conversation with me, and on one hand I know it's cos he wants to talk to me and he has no one else but it gets to me that he doesn't have any life out side of me. 

Although we spend every weekend together and I do enjoy spending time with him, I find myself nagging and nit picking at him because he's leaving a mess or isn't doing things the way I do them. A few days a week is enough for me I'm glad when he goes home tbh. Then the one night we spent apart he was going on like we was taking a step back. And I was trying to explain that as we're both adults who spend all of our free time together I want the odd day where I can have it to myself, he didn't understand that. Then we got onto the topic of living together, he doesn't like the fact I have no plans on moving him in. I know exactly what it would be like, and I don't want to live like that again. Not to mention hasn't even got things in his own life sorted out. His flat is a mess. The first 2 years he chose not to have heating. He never washed his own clothes his family did. Has no cooker.  He doesn't know how to cook and doesn't clean the same way I do. His flat was in need of being decorated and new carpets as they were ruined full of stains ect and at the very beginning barley any furniture.  he didn't look after his appearance that great either. Looking back I should have walked away. But I did feel sorry for him and thought maybe things will get better with his flat. I belive In seeing the good in people and hoping people change in time but clearly it hasn't happened in this case. Because I always find myself going back to how he lives in his flat. 

 

He does take care of his appearance now, and I do see the positive changes he has made but only In the last year. But the flat is still an issue. And no matter how many times I bring this up he says oh its not that bad. But I know that it is. I have the motivation to decorate and I've brought new furniture and done what I need to do to improve my home. He prefers to spend every free day he has with me so then how is he meant to get the things done he needs to? And then the other day he came to mine as was a weekend, his shoes were soaking as it had been raining, I offered to put them on the radiator and dry them for him....when I turned them upside down he had a hole in each shoe, so again I'm moaning in my head like why the hell haven't you brought yourself a pair of shoes ffs like seriously? But as I said any time I do try and mention anything about the flat or about wanting my own space or the fact I don't want to live with him which as I said I don't wanna live with any man. He gets defensive. It's all very stressful tbh. I do enjoy seeing him and we have come along way, but I also get the ick and I also get very annoyed at him for little things in the house. 

 

He wants to be with someone who showers him with attention, and who wants a family and to live together and we all deserve that he has a right to have that, we all deserve happiness right? 

 

But I like my independence, I'm a mum and also trying to sort things out In my own house mainly decorating, work juggling kids ect my life is so busy. I don't want to live with someone and share my bed all week every day of my life and to have their mess piled on top of mine for me to clean up. 

I get he's lonely and has no friends but that's his choice not mine. I have friends and I don't go out very often but I do like to socialise and can imagine as the kids get older ill be able to go out and see friends and have brunch. Usually my weekends are spent on either cleaning, decorating or taking the kids out. Or sometimes seeing family. But he litrilly isolates himself this is why he's so insecure. But that's not my issue to deal with. I already feel like he suffocates me from time to time. I couldn't have him here any more than I do. Not to mention I'm still angry and disappointed that he still hasn't got his flat sorted out. I mean he cleans his floor with a brush and shovel 🙈 but no matter what I try and say I'm attacking him. I know I'll probably have a lot of hate but I just wish he had his *** together because he is lovely, I just want him to be better 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

 I have my kids age 6 and 14 at home, my life is so busy. I'm happy to continue as we are because our lives are so different. I have a routine with my kids during the week I'm non stop. Cooking cleaning doing homework the usual stuff.

Please do whatever is best for yourself and your children. They're your responsibility and priority.  You shouldn't have to babysit a grown man every weekend. 

Unfortunately you seem completely incapable. Please utilize better boundaries and let him know he can't camp out at your place all the time. 

[Capricorn3]

All I see is major incompatibility.  OP, maybe time to review/reassess this relationship? It seems to me you both would be better off parting ways.

[lilliemay]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please do whatever is best for yourself and your children. They're your responsibility and priority.  You shouldn't have to babysit a grown man every weekend. 

Unfortunately you seem completely incapable. Please utilize better boundaries and let him know he can't camp out at your place all the time. 

I am capable of having time to myself at the weekends, but he sees this as a step backwards instead of a healthy way to spend time apart. If he has things to do in his own life and flat and I have things i need to do then spending every single weekend together stops us from doing other things but he doesn't see where I'm coming from 

[lilliemay]

I do enjoy spending time with him, but I don't intend to move him In. I've already lived with a man for 10 years. I'm 33 now so my mindset is different and I just like my solitude and my own space. I was under the impression this was a healthy way to be? If I nag and nit pick now when he's only here for a short amount of time then every single day would be a nightmare. But not just with him with anyone. I'm happy in my own company and him coming on weekends but also allowing us to have our own space. But he has no life but that's not my concern 

[Capricorn3]

9 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

If I nag and nit pick now when he's only here for a short amount of time then every single day would be a nightmare. But not just with him with anyone. I'm happy in my own company and him coming on weekends but also allowing us to have our own space. But he has no life but that's not my concern 

Like I said before - totally incompatible (imo).

[smackie9]

You are right, you and many women should just have "gentleman friends" and not someone that's going to live with you, possible marriage/take over your solitude. These things should have been discussed at the beginning....your expectations. If they were discussed, he's not following that. You should just cut him loose. You are not compatible. Sure his lack of having a life is not your concern, but that's not fair to him. 

[lilliemay]

I don't mean that to come across nasty, i want him to have a life and be independent like me, weather that be spending the odd time with his family but he never does that. He has no friends so in sense has isolated himself, his only happiness is looking forward to seeing me on the weekend and If I say want a night to myself he doesn't stop me but he will question things due to his insecurities. Or fish to try and come and around and stay out the way. I do enjoy spending time with him and do have feelings for him but my wants and needs and his are different. He deserves what he wants from a relationship, and so do I. But he doesn't see where I'm coming from, I did tell him from the start that I'm not interested in living with a man. Because i like things a certain way, I like it being just me and the kids during the week, I go bed early, cook clean. When he has come here during the week he's shocked I'm wanting to go bed early and not spend time with him watching TV. I do agree I don't think we are compatible. I want us to be, I am attracted to him but I feel I moan about him more and more rather than praise him. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lilliemay said:

 I don't think we are compatible. I want us to be, I am attracted to him but I feel I moan about him more and more rather than praise him. 

It's unfortunate, but you do seem to resent him like a stray cat that comes around because you feed it. Perhaps reflect on what your role in this is and why you continue. 

[itsallgrand]

Most men won't be okay with seeing you only when it suits you and this no future scenario. The ones who are ok with it are more likely to have issues or to be looking for a casual noncommited relationship where they can still sleep and see who they please. This is speaking as a woman who was very much "let's just see each other here and there, you have your life and me mine" - eventually a man who cares about you will want something more than being last in line, you know? 

I'm not critiquing what you want at all, I'm just saying maybe you should adjust your expectations. Would no or little  commitment be better for you with someone then and ok with you? You can't really expect someone on tap as it suits, and so maybe you partially resent him because he's allowed you to tromp on him? But really, it's not kind to keep this guy hanging on as he wants more. 

[Jaunty]

13 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

I don't mean that to come across nasty, i want him to have a life and be independent like me

Do you see that you want him to be different than he is?  Apparently he wants you to be different than you are, as well.

This is why people have been saying you two are incompatible.  

You really are.

There are men who do not want more "togetherness" in a relationship than you want yourself.  You need to be with a man like that.  This guy you've been seeing - he needs to be with someone where he can look towards a future with MORE togetherness.

Neither one of you is wrong in wanting what you want, but it  IS wrong to be in a relationship where one or both are not getting their needs met and / or are not satisfactory to their partner when they're being their own true self.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Most men won't be okay with seeing you only when it suits you and this no future scenario. The ones who are ok with it are more likely to have issues or to be looking for a casual noncommited relationship where they can still sleep and see who they please. This is speaking as a woman who was very much "let's just see each other here and there, you have your life and me mine" - eventually a man who cares about you will want something more than being last in line, you know? 

I'm not critiquing what you want at all, I'm just saying maybe you should adjust your expectations. Would no or little  commitment be better for you with someone then and ok with you? You can't really expect someone on tap as it suits, and so maybe you partially resent him because he's allowed you to tromp on him? But really, it's not kind to keep this guy hanging on as he wants more. 

I agree and it sounds like you dated him out of pity -lovely to "see the good in people" but when it comes to dating and commitment I mean don't you want someone you respect and admire? Doesn't sound like much of that going on here.

  I have a 15 year old -I'm married for 15 years-- and I had a very active and late night social life for about 25 years until I became a mom at 42.

Full time parenting meant - for me -that I became much more drained during social outings plus on a practical level - sleep deprivation and my son getting up very very early until he was a tween meant no late nights for me -and no desire. 

So I don't become friends with people -or agree to activities, which would involve regularly going out at night.  I don't expect them to accommodate my schedule to any real extent. By contrast, for many years I accommodated my friends' schedules who were moms and I was single - I got it _ I got their scheduling situation - and we were already close friends -but I wouldn't expect a new person in my life who lives to go out at night to accommodate me nor would I seek out a close friendship with that person.  Especially if I wasn't that into the person.  Still baffled as to what you saw in him in the first place. 

[lilliemay]

I don't have a social life that's not what i was saying. I work Mon to Friday and am drained most of the time. But occasionally I will visit family who have children. But my weekends seem to be caught up in seeing him, I vision if we did live together and I wanted to go out with friends to have some independence he would be fretting and being worried. He would moan and then I would end up being snappy because I'd feel I can't have a life. As I said I had a weekend with my teenager we watched a movie had some one on one time. He was fine with it but couldn't understand why he couldn't come down and sit upstairs, my argument was we just want some quality time. Then after not hearing from me for a while he started accusing me in some way. 

I know of women who have boyfriends and don't live full time together and that works for them. This is something I wanted. 

I'm trying so hard to better my home, decorating, and he needs to do the same in his flat and he doesn't. Everything is pushed aside. Obviously that's his choice but it bothers me he chooses to live like a slob. To isolate himself and have 0 friends. To rely on me to be happy. If we have a disagreement or argument via messages as we never argue in person. Say I bring up an issue about the flat. It's basically living in squalor that's my opinion and any normal woman would've ran a mile but I wanted to give him a chance to see if he would better his home life and he hasn't. I feel like I'm dating a tramp sometimes and that sounds so horrible but he doesn't live a normal way to how a grown man should live so yeah when we try and discuss this he goes into defensive mode like I'm attacking him when I'm simply pointing out your flats a mess still after all these years it needs sorting, I will go quiet and not speak for a while occupy myself with other things and that ruins his day. I know that's not healthy. We both have different life experiences and he has tried very hard when he's here I see that and I praise him for that, but there's just to many things that irritate me. But that doesn't mean I don't care or have feelings because I do. 

[Batya33]

How he keeps his home is none of your business -you're not his mother and unless he asks you for help or decorating tips I'd stop. Would you want him to judge you for what you spend to decorate your home, what you spend on furniture? 

If he is at your home on the weekend I don't think it's ok to spend hours without him watching a movie in another part of the home with your son.  It's fine to tell him not to come that day.

It's fine if you simply want someone to go on dates with once or twice a week but he is not that person. There are people like that.

[Capricorn3]

OP, the more information you share about this guy, the more difficult it is to understand WHY you are with him in the first place?? 😕 It doesn't make any sense at all.  It is clear you two have nothing in common at all, in any way, shape or form.  I don't get why you two are together in the first place.

Do both of you a great big favor and end it, so that you are both free to do as you please and free to find someone more compatible.  There's really no point carrying on with things the way they stand right now.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, lilliemay said:

Looking back I should have walked away.

Yes. But there's no time like the present.

1 hour ago, lilliemay said:

...spending every single weekend together stops us from doing other things but he doesn't see where I'm coming from 

The man has no life of his own beyond revolving around you, and that's a lot of pressure. You have every right to not want to adopt into your home another dependant to care for.

The man raises conflict and makes you miserable whenever you try to spread your wings and alter your schedule a tad, and that's suffocating and depressing. But complaining about it won't resolve the problem.

[itsallgrand]

Don't you see though they can't be demanding these things he needs to change when you can't give him what he wants either? I do know of some people who are boyfriend and girlfriend yet have their own homes and mostly seperate lives longterm. But there's still compromise and compatibility. You two want totally different things. 

[smackie9]

Maybe just be friends so the both are you are free to date others. That would take away any commitment on your end. 

[Seraphim]

You both can’t give each other what you want or need. It is time to let him go. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

  If we have a disagreement or argument via messages as we never argue in person. Say I bring up an issue about the flat. It's basically living in squalor that's my opinion 

Why are you trying to fix him? If he wants to be a hoarder and live in squalor, how is that your business? 

[Coily]

To be brutally honest it sounds like you really don't care for him at all.Pity is not love, it's like taking a wounded animal to the vet. You like the idea of who he could be, but your BF isn't this idealized creature.

You are with a man who is wanting to grow the relationship, you want him at your convenience. He's a slob, who you want to change, but give him no motivation. You both want what you want, nothing wrong with that! You don't come across as really loving this guy.

You have a lot on your plate now, maybe you should consider other arrangements with a more compatible man?

[ElementalMuse]

I am in somewhat of a similar situation except the man is very competent and appealing. However he has no children and all his discretionary money goes to his ex wife. he loves my place and that I have a career and cook and nice place and he loves being around me. I work twice as much as he does and really can only manage one over night a week. I think it sounds like you enjoy some parts of his company yet you are more competent an independent. Enjoy your children as well. Mine are older and I would do anything to have time with them at that age. Have a straightforward conversation and let him do as he pleases. I can tell you wil be fine either way.

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, lilliemay said:

I know of women who have boyfriends and don't live full time together and that works for them. This is something I wanted.

You are not going to get that with him. I am not sure what you are grasping about that. 

You keep waiting for him to change but it is obvious that's not going to happen. He has lots of room for improvement, yes, but it's also not fair to expect him to become essentially a different person. You have given it plenty of time and nothing has moved the dial. You each want each other to be someone else. 

It's unclear why you continue to waste your time in a relationship that has never really worked or been fulfilling for either one of you. 

[Kwothe28]

First of all, your views on relationship are different. Its him who wants commitment and to live together. Its you who wants somebody to see casually and think he would just be "a burden".

Second of all, I have almost never seen somebody with so much negative words about their SO. How he doesnt take care of himself, how his finances arent best so maybe he isnt buying stuff for himself, how he isnt independant and barely lives as it is etc. Maybe you are contempt having somebody "servicing you" sexually couple of nights a month so you go along with all of this for 3 years. But you clearly dont like the guy.

[lilliemay]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yes. But there's no time like the present.

The man has no life of his own beyond revolving around you, and that's a lot of pressure. You have every right to not want to adopt into your home another dependant to care for.

The man raises conflict and makes you miserable whenever you try to spread your wings and alter your schedule a tad, and that's suffocating and depressing. But complaining about it won't resolve the problem.

I realise I can't change him, and I understand he wants the family life marriage ect. I was in an extremely abusive relationship when I was in my early 20s, I think that experience has lead me to want to be alone. Not to be placed in a situation where I'm mothering a man cooking and cleaning for him and being a victim. He's never displayed any aggression or anything towards me but it's my own life experiences that make me want to be alone. Because I can control my own life that way, plus the kids makes it harder to bring someone into our dynamic, so I like things the way they are just at the weekend. But I totally agree that's not fair on that he wants more and deserves more. 

It bothers me his insecurities, that he has no life skills I'm trying to teach him but that's also draining. It does bother me he can't cook and doesn't look after himself at home. I want someone who is capable of taking care of themselves. Like going shopping deep cleaning your home ect. I fully understand that men aren't always as clean as women but there's a big difference in living a bit messy and living in filth. Maybe if he had showed he could fix up his flat and his ways I might change my way of thinking but it bothers me so much. It is filthy like really bad. You couldn't have children there that's why I don't go anymore. So deep down it botheres me so much because I want him to have some sort of standards of how he should live. If my teenager lived the way he does I'd be so disappointed 😞 and then walking around in holy shoes when he is more than capable of buying another pair. These things build up and I just keep going back to the same place. 

 

Thank you all for yout advise. I really do care about him more than a friend. He is great with my kids and so loving towards me but its these other issues that make me question, and I'm always questioning.