lilliemay

You're right, it's not my job to fix anyone. I see the good in people and hope they'll make the necessary changes but it never actually happens. That's probably why I've kept myself so at arms length and only see him at weekends. His lack of skills and living conditions bother me.

It wasn't so much about making him change, it was that when we first met he lived in squalor, his place was really bad so bad I stopped staying. He didn't take care of himself. So this was somthing that needed to change, he told me hed had a hard time in life soni was undersyanding hoping he woukd make improvments in his life. I'm well aware we are completely opposite. He's very opinionated of the world I am not, we are different. We have become closer over the years, its not friends with benefits although I get that's how it seems. I'm just at a place now where I just enjoy being on my own. He's very insecure and paranoid and that puts a strain on things, he's calmed down a lot but it's still there from time to time. There are positives about him he is helpful he does care a lot for me he he's thoughtful and kind, But the negatives are how different we are. The living situation isn't because of him I generally never want to live with a man again and have them in my space messing it up. I like the bed to myself to much now and being able to do my own thing. So it wasn't about changing him. It was about him realising he needed to work on things if this was going to work. To better his life, And in 3 years his flat is still the same. Although he's made some changes in himself. No cooker, barley any furniture hasn't Been decorated yet. Walking around with holes in his shoes. I feel as though I'm with someone who's in their early 20s who doesn't care about their self, but he's 30 I'm 33 Those things are big deals for me as I don't see it as healthy or normal to live the way he does. Not being able to cook for himself. He only goes laundrette cos I have to moan and nag about it as I was washing all his stuff at one point. But obviously these things just aren't important to him and that's fine. But they are to me. Isn't a relationship meant to make you a better version of yourself? We do and have had some special moments together but there's also a lot of negatives, checking my phone behind my back due to his paranoia. Loads of little bits really.

I do see what your saying, we don't just see each other on weekends and have sex though sometimes there's none of that because we're tired it's been a long week. We relax and watch films or go out to bowling or cinemas with the kids. Went on holiday last year. I realise I am so negative about him, because I feel I've let my standards drop to some extent. We're not on the same maturity level most of the time. And I suppose he hasn't changed the way he fully said he would so it makes me annoyed. But I do like him I know it sounds like I don't I really do but I suppose there's a lot of things I don't like 😞

I realise I can't change him, and I understand he wants the family life marriage ect. I was in an extremely abusive relationship when I was in my early 20s, I think that experience has lead me to want to be alone. Not to be placed in a situation where I'm mothering a man cooking and cleaning for him and being a victim. He's never displayed any aggression or anything towards me but it's my own life experiences that make me want to be alone. Because I can control my own life that way, plus the kids makes it harder to bring someone into our dynamic, so I like things the way they are just at the weekend. But I totally agree that's not fair on that he wants more and deserves more. It bothers me his insecurities, that he has no life skills I'm trying to teach him but that's also draining. It does bother me he can't cook and doesn't look after himself at home. I want someone who is capable of taking care of themselves. Like going shopping deep cleaning your home ect. I fully understand that men aren't always as clean as women but there's a big difference in living a bit messy and living in filth. Maybe if he had showed he could fix up his flat and his ways I might change my way of thinking but it bothers me so much. It is filthy like really bad. You couldn't have children there that's why I don't go anymore. So deep down it botheres me so much because I want him to have some sort of standards of how he should live. If my teenager lived the way he does I'd be so disappointed 😞 and then walking around in holy shoes when he is more than capable of buying another pair. These things build up and I just keep going back to the same place. Thank you all for yout advise. I really do care about him more than a friend. He is great with my kids and so loving towards me but its these other issues that make me question, and I'm always questioning.

I don't have a social life that's not what i was saying. I work Mon to Friday and am drained most of the time. But occasionally I will visit family who have children. But my weekends seem to be caught up in seeing him, I vision if we did live together and I wanted to go out with friends to have some independence he would be fretting and being worried. He would moan and then I would end up being snappy because I'd feel I can't have a life. As I said I had a weekend with my teenager we watched a movie had some one on one time. He was fine with it but couldn't understand why he couldn't come down and sit upstairs, my argument was we just want some quality time. Then after not hearing from me for a while he started accusing me in some way. I know of women who have boyfriends and don't live full time together and that works for them. This is something I wanted. I'm trying so hard to better my home, decorating, and he needs to do the same in his flat and he doesn't. Everything is pushed aside. Obviously that's his choice but it bothers me he chooses to live like a slob. To isolate himself and have 0 friends. To rely on me to be happy. If we have a disagreement or argument via messages as we never argue in person. Say I bring up an issue about the flat. It's basically living in squalor that's my opinion and any normal woman would've ran a mile but I wanted to give him a chance to see if he would better his home life and he hasn't. I feel like I'm dating a tramp sometimes and that sounds so horrible but he doesn't live a normal way to how a grown man should live so yeah when we try and discuss this he goes into defensive mode like I'm attacking him when I'm simply pointing out your flats a mess still after all these years it needs sorting, I will go quiet and not speak for a while occupy myself with other things and that ruins his day. I know that's not healthy. We both have different life experiences and he has tried very hard when he's here I see that and I praise him for that, but there's just to many things that irritate me. But that doesn't mean I don't care or have feelings because I do.

I don't mean that to come across nasty, i want him to have a life and be independent like me, weather that be spending the odd time with his family but he never does that. He has no friends so in sense has isolated himself, his only happiness is looking forward to seeing me on the weekend and If I say want a night to myself he doesn't stop me but he will question things due to his insecurities. Or fish to try and come and around and stay out the way. I do enjoy spending time with him and do have feelings for him but my wants and needs and his are different. He deserves what he wants from a relationship, and so do I. But he doesn't see where I'm coming from, I did tell him from the start that I'm not interested in living with a man. Because i like things a certain way, I like it being just me and the kids during the week, I go bed early, cook clean. When he has come here during the week he's shocked I'm wanting to go bed early and not spend time with him watching TV. I do agree I don't think we are compatible. I want us to be, I am attracted to him but I feel I moan about him more and more rather than praise him.

I do enjoy spending time with him, but I don't intend to move him In. I've already lived with a man for 10 years. I'm 33 now so my mindset is different and I just like my solitude and my own space. I was under the impression this was a healthy way to be? If I nag and nit pick now when he's only here for a short amount of time then every single day would be a nightmare. But not just with him with anyone. I'm happy in my own company and him coming on weekends but also allowing us to have our own space. But he has no life but that's not my concern

I am capable of having time to myself at the weekends, but he sees this as a step backwards instead of a healthy way to spend time apart. If he has things to do in his own life and flat and I have things i need to do then spending every single weekend together stops us from doing other things but he doesn't see where I'm coming from

I really need a rant, I have been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, the relationship we have is one where he comes maybe one night during the week and every weekend. I was single for quite a few years and enjoyed my independence and when we started dating I explained this is my view on things. I don't want to live with a man. Never again or at least not while I have my kids age 6 and 14 at home, my life is so busy. I'm happy to continue as we are because our lives are so different. I have a routine with my kids during the week I'm non stop. Cooking cleaning doing homework the usual stuff. He on the other hand is very lonely, doesn't like his own space, relies on being with me every weekend. I wanted the Friday to myself a few weeks ago to spend some one on one time with my son. He new my son was on the xbox my other son had my phone he messages me questioning well if those are doing that what are you doing....I hope I don't have to be worried. He is paranoid, insecure, and was a lot worse when we first met I had to keep on telling him it was to much and eventually he calmed down a lot but there's still insecurities there. If I go out which is very rare he will message me all night trying to have a conversation with me, and on one hand I know it's cos he wants to talk to me and he has no one else but it gets to me that he doesn't have any life out side of me. Although we spend every weekend together and I do enjoy spending time with him, I find myself nagging and nit picking at him because he's leaving a mess or isn't doing things the way I do them. A few days a week is enough for me I'm glad when he goes home tbh. Then the one night we spent apart he was going on like we was taking a step back. And I was trying to explain that as we're both adults who spend all of our free time together I want the odd day where I can have it to myself, he didn't understand that. Then we got onto the topic of living together, he doesn't like the fact I have no plans on moving him in. I know exactly what it would be like, and I don't want to live like that again. Not to mention hasn't even got things in his own life sorted out. His flat is a mess. The first 2 years he chose not to have heating. He never washed his own clothes his family did. Has no cooker. He doesn't know how to cook and doesn't clean the same way I do. His flat was in need of being decorated and new carpets as they were ruined full of stains ect and at the very beginning barley any furniture. he didn't look after his appearance that great either. Looking back I should have walked away. But I did feel sorry for him and thought maybe things will get better with his flat. I belive In seeing the good in people and hoping people change in time but clearly it hasn't happened in this case. Because I always find myself going back to how he lives in his flat. He does take care of his appearance now, and I do see the positive changes he has made but only In the last year. But the flat is still an issue. And no matter how many times I bring this up he says oh its not that bad. But I know that it is. I have the motivation to decorate and I've brought new furniture and done what I need to do to improve my home. He prefers to spend every free day he has with me so then how is he meant to get the things done he needs to? And then the other day he came to mine as was a weekend, his shoes were soaking as it had been raining, I offered to put them on the radiator and dry them for him....when I turned them upside down he had a hole in each shoe, so again I'm moaning in my head like why the hell haven't you brought yourself a pair of shoes ffs like seriously? But as I said any time I do try and mention anything about the flat or about wanting my own space or the fact I don't want to live with him which as I said I don't wanna live with any man. He gets defensive. It's all very stressful tbh. I do enjoy seeing him and we have come along way, but I also get the ick and I also get very annoyed at him for little things in the house. He wants to be with someone who showers him with attention, and who wants a family and to live together and we all deserve that he has a right to have that, we all deserve happiness right? But I like my independence, I'm a mum and also trying to sort things out In my own house mainly decorating, work juggling kids ect my life is so busy. I don't want to live with someone and share my bed all week every day of my life and to have their mess piled on top of mine for me to clean up. I get he's lonely and has no friends but that's his choice not mine. I have friends and I don't go out very often but I do like to socialise and can imagine as the kids get older ill be able to go out and see friends and have brunch. Usually my weekends are spent on either cleaning, decorating or taking the kids out. Or sometimes seeing family. But he litrilly isolates himself this is why he's so insecure. But that's not my issue to deal with. I already feel like he suffocates me from time to time. I couldn't have him here any more than I do. Not to mention I'm still angry and disappointed that he still hasn't got his flat sorted out. I mean he cleans his floor with a brush and shovel 🙈 but no matter what I try and say I'm attacking him. I know I'll probably have a lot of hate but I just wish he had his *** together because he is lovely, I just want him to be better