Had two dates but he won't set plans to see me again

[mayflower28]

Hi, recently I met a guy on OLD and it's actually the first time I have no doubts that I like the guy and wanna continue seeing him. He asked me out first on the app and he also paid for my meal. He had initiated some calls before the date too but he'd got a little mad when I told him I was busy with exams. He was like 'if you don't have 2 hours to spare we probably shouldn't continue'. I explained to him how much work I had and he understood. Finally the date happened and it went well, we have similar interests and stuff in common. During the date he already mentioned where he would take me on the next. After I came back home he reached out and we had a little chat. 

 

A few days later I messaged him asking when he's available for the second date and I mentioned the activity he wanted us to do. He gave me a day, I agreed. The second date was fun too, he paid for both our tickets to the exhibition. Then we went for a walk in the park, sat together and talked. He told me 'we will do this and this' blah blah (as in like future activities after our relationship progresses). He mentioned about me coming over to his house (he didn't say netflix & chill, just kind of had an excuse for an activity we could do together at his place). I know it sounds hookup-like, however I'm not ready to have sex yet, I can kiss but not more. As for physical contact we only hugged and held hands so far. I'm still okay with the idea of coming over though, since I could just refuse and say I'm not ready yet in case he tries some moves.

 

Right after that last date I texted him and he asked how I was doing etc. A few days later he texted, telling me he was on a trip, again asked me how I was. He mentioned in his texts 'when we see each other I will show you the photos from my trip' and I was like 'oh yes, I will also show you the photos from one of my past trips, it was so beautiful there'. Then we had a little more exchange and I had nothing to add so our conversation stopped. 

 

My concern here is that everything seems great but after he reached out with these texts like 5 days ago I haven't heard from him. He has mentioned future activities which is a good sign, but I'm just wondering why he hasn't asked me when I'm free to come over, since last time I was the one to make the 2nd date happen by asking when he's available. Does he want me to chase him now, so putting the ball in my court? Should I initiate a text about concrete plans or is he not interested enough to make it happen? I really rarely initiate texts by myself because I'm not sure if he's all that into me. It just makes no sense that he would talk about what we will do so many times and yet not step forward to actually make it happen and try to 'bait' me instead.

[Kwothe28]

Without the concrete plan, I wouldn’t count on seeing him again. Ok, maybe he is busy but he could text and schedule something. When that happens always assume they are either not interested or having somebody else in mind. In your case, it’s probably second, sorry.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, mayflower28 said:

 I know it sounds hookup-like, however I'm not ready to have sex yet.  he reached out with these texts like 5 days ago I haven't heard from him. ., since last time I was the one to make the 2nd date happen by asking when he's available. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? It's a bit of a red flag that he whined about you having exams. 

After 2 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others. Perhaps he met someone on vacation. 

He seems like a bit of a "third date rule" hustler. All you can do is step back and see if he contacts you for a real date. 

However please move on in the meantime and keep your eyes open for red flags. 

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, mayflower28 said:

he'd got a little mad when I told him I was busy with exams. He was like 'if you don't have 2 hours to spare we probably shouldn't continue'.

Jeez not too annoying then 😆 You must be a patient person. At least it sounds like he came across better in life, wouldn't hurt to see how he reacts to suggesting a date and time however yes he does sound a bit luke warm to not be nailing down the next date unfortunately. Who knows maybe he will get in contact soon to set that date but would do your own thing in the meantime.

[Batya33]

Asking out is not chasing. I wouldn't have met him when he got mad. This sounds like a typical dating thing -he lost interest for whatever reason.  I mean if you feel like suggesting a specific time to meet that's fine and then you pay. In public. Not at his home. I was in this situation many times and after only one first meet and one date -and no he didn't chase you - he asked to meet and he asked you out on one date -I'd assume lack of interest and move on.  Nothing wrong with fading out that early on. At the time he referenced future plans he probably meant it.  Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what he says.

Hope exams went well!!

[kim42]

If you want to see him again, I would simply text him if he's free next Friday (or whichever day works for you). I think it's better to be direct amd just ask him, instead of assuming things or waiting for him to reach out. I mean, no one on this forum can tell you for sure how he feels about this situation.

Depending on his reply, you will know where you stand. Worst case he will say no but at least you will have an answer.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

He was like 'if you don't have 2 hours to spare we probably shouldn't continue'.   

^This response would have earned him an immediate block and delete, NEXT.  I mean geezzuss!  Really dude?  Lol

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

Then we went for a walk in the park, sat together and talked. He told me 'we will do this and this' blah blah (as in like future activities after our relationship progresses).

^This is a red flag and something to watch out for. It's called 'future faking,' it's fairly common.

I mean "we will do "this and this"..." as if you're already in a relationship, it was your second date!  

I never take this type of talk seriously, basically in one ear and out the other.  

I mean look what happened?  Despite your texting him (which imo was too much for the stage you were in), HE has not reached out in five days!  So much for his future talk, ugh.  What a bunch of *.

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

He mentioned about me coming over to his house (he didn't say netflix & chill, just kind of had an excuse for an activity we could do together at his place). I know it sounds hookup-like..

Yup and my take is that is precisely what he was aiming for - a hook up.

I think after getting to know you a bit on your first two dates, he realized that wasn't going to happen, and he lost interest, whatever interest he had, which sorry to say didn't sound like much.

That said, he may still reach out after enough time has passed and you're sufficiently anxious enough and concerned about losing him that you WILL be open to that hook up. 

It's a manipulation of sorts, DON'T fall for it.  My advice is simply next him.  Blocking and deleting would be fine after only two dates. 

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

It just makes no sense that he would talk about what we will do so many times and yet not step forward to actually make it happen and try to 'bait' me instead.

^It makes perfect sense once you realize the warning signs of guys simply seeking a hook up, and nothing more. 

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

I'm still okay with the idea of coming over though, since I could just refuse and say I'm not ready yet in case he tries some moves.

PLEASE don't be so naive.  Especially given the other red flags (specifically his response to you having exams).

It's not always so easy as believing you can just refuse his sexual advances.  He could become angry, aggressive, anything can happen.  

If you don't mind me asking (and you don't need to answer if you don't want to) but how old are you and how much experience have you had? 

JMO and all the best moving forward...

[Coily]

This doesn't sounds very promising.

[kim42]

OP, I don't know what kind of activities he mentioned in the park. If he just mentioned what the two of you could do on the next dates, like going to the cinema, I don't think that's future faking. For me future faking is talking about marriage, kids, buying houses.

If you don't want to go to his place, then tell him. If he cares about you, he won't risk making you uncomfortable.

[catfeeder]

The only way to learn whether he’s disinterested or is just waiting for you to reciprocate would be to ask him out and learn his response. Otherwise, consider him done, and meet the next person.

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The only way to learn whether he’s disinterested or is just waiting for you to reciprocate would be to ask him out and learn his response.

Cat, I have to disagree with this^ because he may very well accept her invite, believing his little 'mind game' (manipulation) of waiting 5 or however many days of 'silence and distance' worked like a charm.

It's a bad message to send imo.

IF he were interested, none of this would be happening, there would be NO five days of silence.

Interested men (interested people) do not behave the way he is behaving or playing the 'waiting for her to reciprocate' game. 

Unless he is so insecure as to be unhealthy or some sort of "player" which is not something a woman should want or encourage imo.

They have only had two dates after all. 

JMO. 

 

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Cat, I have to disagree with this^ because he may very well accept her invite, believing his little 'mind game' (manipulation) of waiting 5 or however many days of 'silence and distance' worked like a charm.

It's a bad message to send imo.

IF he were interested, none of this would be happening, there would be NO five days of silence.

Interested men (interested people) do not behave the way he is behaving or playing the 'waiting for her to reciprocate' game. 

Unless he is so insecure as to be unhealthy or some sort of "player" which is not something a woman should want or encourage imo.

They have only had two dates after all. 

JMO. 

 

I have to disagree here, the OP has also been silent for 5 days. Also, the OP said she rarely initiates texts by herself so he might think she's not very interested. Not all men like to do all the 'chasing', some guys want to see that the girl is interested too.

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I have to disagree here, the OP has also been silent for 5 days. Also, the OP said she rarely initiates texts by herself so he might think she's not very interested. Not all men like to do all the 'chasing', some guys want to see that the girl is interested too.

Fair enough although I read she has initiated texting with him, a few times.

My response is my own intuition/gut feeling based in part on the totality of his actions from his first snarky response about her exams to his silence now, and in part my own experiences (a bit of projection I suppose).

Anyway, yeah she can ask him out, play it out.  If she gets hurt, so be. Another lesson learned. 

My gut feeling could be wrong too!  Since it appears she really likes him, I hope it is!  

All I will say is that if this were me in that same situation, guy would be a NEXT.

Good luck OP whatever you decide. 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he may very well accept her invite, believing his little 'mind game' (manipulation) of waiting 5 or however many days of 'silence and distance' worked like a charm.

I dont think he "manipulates" her in that way. He probably just found somebody else to date. So he is not as excited about the OP anymore. Happens in multidating, we talked on another thread about it.

I do think its "the talk" some people have though. For example some people will "love bomb" in the same way, how they love the other person, how it was a love at first sight etc. While some other would "keep you on the hook" with promises like that. "Oh, on our next date we would see this restaurant, I have eaten caviar there before". And sentences like that. We often say here that you need to have "the talk" for the ladies. So you would know what to say to "hook them". This is more or less that. And it works with OP. She has no doubts she wants to see the guy no matter how many red flags he exhibits.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

  He mentioned about me coming over to his house.  5 days ago I haven't heard from him. I'm just wondering why he hasn't asked me when I'm free to come over, 

Unfortunately if you contact him and decide to go to his place, the results will be the same either way. You don't have sex and he'll ghost again...or you do have sex and he'll ghost again. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think he "manipulates" her in that way.

Agree, I only suggested it as a possibility.  Again my own gut feeling which I acknowledge could be wrong in this case.

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He probably just found somebody else to date. So he is not as excited about the OP anymore. Happens in multidating, we talked on another thread about it.

Agree, this^ is likely what happened.  As it's been said so many times, interested people act interested.  He is not. 

[Jaunty]

I would have seen it as a significant turn-off when he "got mad" because you were busy with exams.  He may be playing games to "teach you a lesson" or he's simply not very interested.  Either way, you probably are not missing too much, even though you liked him.   

[mayflower28]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Cat, I have to disagree with this^ because he may very well accept her invite, believing his little 'mind game' (manipulation) of waiting 5 or however many days of 'silence and distance' worked like a charm.

Exactly, I want to avoid a situation with him just going with the flow. It's like he would only agree because I asked but I feel if he needs a nudge it's not worth it.

48 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough although I read she has initiated texting with him, a few times!

I texted him first in the past, it happened twice. So far the effort in texting has been more or less equal. 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? 

We're both 20.

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If you don't mind me asking (and you don't need to answer if you don't want to) but how old are you and how much experience have you had? 

I have gone on a lot of dates but haven't been in a long term relationship yet. 

He might reach out again or he might not, if he does I'll have to tell myself not to take him seriously and let him prove himself. He knows I'm eager because I literally told him I'll gladly see the photos. Yes, his initial snarky response was weird to me too. 

[yogacat]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this guy is probably just trying to hook up with you. He seems very keen on getting you to come over to his place, but hasn't really made much of an effort to actually engage in conversation or plan a specific date with you.

The passive-aggressiveness when you told him you were busy with exams was definitely a jab.

I think he did it to throw the ball back in your court, which is manipulative and kind of a jerk move.

He obviously wasn't thrilled that you couldn't accommodate him, but instead of being understanding and saying "Okay, no worries, let's reschedule for a better time for both of us" he turned it back on you - making you feel guilty and making you question your commitment.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The only way to learn whether he’s disinterested or is just waiting for you to reciprocate would be to ask him out and learn his response. Otherwise, consider him done, and meet the next person.

To me in this situation silence/lack of responses =lack of interest with no need to follow up (particularly given the initial rudeness and mention of a hook up) -no harm done other than a bruised ego if she chooses to of course.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I have to disagree here, the OP has also been silent for 5 days. Also, the OP said she rarely initiates texts by herself so he might think she's not very interested. Not all men like to do all the 'chasing', some guys want to see that the girl is interested too.

I hear, although I wouldn’t bother trying to anticipate devious motives, or what’s the point in dating him in the first place? I don’t suggest reciprocating as a ‘should,’ but as the only thing I can think of to prompt an answer one way or the other IF that’s important enough to a person. It wouldn’t be important enough to me. I’d next him and meet someone else.

[Andrina]

9 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

My concern here is that everything seems great but after he reached out with these texts like 5 days ago I haven't heard from him.

It sounds like you've been putting in equal effort in communication. That said, instead of relying on whatever good signs you saw in the past, you're smack in the middle of the present which is more important. So does it make sense to you that someone truly interested after two supposedly enjoyable dates would let five days of silence go by? A guy with the interest of a long term relationship being his goal would definitely keep the good momentum going.

From what you've written, he doesn't seem like anyone worth any more of your emotional energy and time. As everyone noted, his snarky comment about your exams could possibly show he's speed racer, wanting to get to a goal of bedding a woman by date 3. If that's the case, he could probably sense or gather with his conversations with you that you weren't easy prey.

If he's not a player, he realized for whatever reason he's not sharing, that he's no longer interested.

Since you're new at dating, I'll suggest a few things you could improve on. Sounds like he did 100 percent of the spending on the first 2 dates. If you did not ask if you could leave the tip for the meal or pay for drinks or dessert elsewhere, along with paying for something on the second date, it could be why he suggested a 3rd date that didn't involve money. When he spoke of going to his house, you could've said, "Let's keep dates in public for now. It's my turn to treat, so I have a few ideas. We can either go to.....etc."

Not that I think he's prime dating material from what you've written. Just giving an example for other dating experiences. Best to stay out of each other's homes so early on, since your willpower might be weak when chemistry is strong. Many women regret having sex too soon, but few regret waiting.

Can I ask why you're on OLD? At your age, it's usually a time in life where you're meeting huge groups of people your age.

[mayflower28]

What's funny is that he has actually messaged me an hour ago. It's still some chit chat though and now I think I should just wait for him to suggest a proper date. However, after all the things you guys have written in here I'm more hesitant to get involved. 

[catfeeder]

42 minutes ago, mayflower28 said:

What's funny is that he has actually messaged me an hour ago. It's still some chit chat though and now I think I should just wait for him to suggest a proper date. However, after all the things you guys have written in here I'm more hesitant to get involved. 

Understandable. Sounds like he’s keeping an iron in your fire while he’s busy with someone else.

[Starlight925]

We call that “bread crumbing”. 
Puts out a sporadic text just to see if you’ll respond so he can keep you in his Contacts.