My Boyfriend Feels Distant

[scaredgf]

I (20F) feel like my boyfriend (21M) is growing distant but I'm not completely sure.

I knew my boyfriend to be a nonchalant guy who pushed me away for years before we got together. He's said this is because he was scared of his feelings and rejection (even though he knew I liked him for years, and he's rejected me numerous times). Anyway, this changed up about a year ago when he finally stopped ghosting me and came out of nowhere, confessing his true feelings and asking me to be his girlfriend. He was suddenly the sweetest guy I'd met. He would always talk to me every morning, he'd keep the conversation going on forever. He would give me compliments frequently, push his ego aside and admit when he was in the wrong. He basically involved me in his life a lot, always put me first, even out of his friends group. We'd be on a lot of calls together or just texted a lot; whenever I was over at his house he would put his phone down and we'd play games together, watch shows, just spend a lot of time together.

Recently though it's quite the opposite. He prefers hanging around his friends and is always super energetic and laughing around them, but with me he seems so tired and there's barely a smile. He never wants to call me alone (it must be with his friends) and when I do call him, he'd sound annoyed or like he doesn't want to be there with me. He'd leave my texts on read, yet be in a call with his friends, giggling and playing games together. He'll tell them all about what's going on in his life or day, and I'm not told anything. He just leaves me in the dark completely. Whenever I talk to him about it, he always tells me that he gets his energy from a group/crowd, and that I alone can't entertain him or give him that boost. But he was so fine with that before?

I'm happy to see him happy of course, though I just want to be a part of his life again, I wish he'd have fun with me as well. I feel like an annoyance that he doesn't want around, and I don't know what to do. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I feel so very alone these days, and half the time I don't even feel as though I'm in a relationship. He's sick of me bringing up this topic as well. What do I do?

[MissCanuck]

I think you are seeing that despite the hot beginning, this just does not have legs to last. 

This was your clue not to pursue anything with him:

4 minutes ago, scaredgf said:

pushed me away for years

4 minutes ago, scaredgf said:

he's rejected me numerous times

You had some fun together for a while, but he's back to his old ways. You can keep trying to get him to value you until you are blue in the face - but it ulimately isn't going to get you anywhere. This guy just isn't feeling it anymore and is on his way out. 

I would advise you to concede that you two are just not compatible, and let him go.  Go find yourself a man who is eager to spend time with you. 

[Coily]

This isn't on a good track. Does he invite you to do things with his friends or are you kept at arms length in those situations as well? What I am getting at broadly is do you both do things together where he feels energized with groups or are you two both just alone together?

I'm of two minds, he was exterting himself hard to be engaging with just you, and he's slowly returning to his normal behavior. The Other is he's losing interest in the relationship, I fear it may be the latter.

You are absolutely valid having these feelings, you two need to seek a compromise if possible, or a way to end things. But if he's grown sick of the topic, well....

 

 

[Capricorn3]

I get the impression that he has lost interest and is no longer "present" when with you.  He's fading out of the picture. I would end it and move on.  You can do a lot better.

[scaredgf]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

This isn't on a good track. Does he invite you to do things with his friends or are you kept at arms length in those situations as well? What I am getting at broadly is do you both do things together where he feels energized with groups or are you two both just alone together?

I'm of two minds, he was exterting himself hard to be engaging with just you, and he's slowly returning to his normal behavior. The Other is he's losing interest in the relationship, I fear it may be the latter.

You are absolutely valid having these feelings, you two need to seek a compromise if possible, or a way to end things. But if he's grown sick of the topic, well....

 

 

He would sometimes drag me out when he's hanging out with his friends, and jokingly say I have no choice. He would focus on me out of the group every now and then. Recently though he's done the opposite; I visited his home and his friends came as well. He did seem happy towards me after they left. Thank you for taking to time to respond

[reinventmyself]

Instead of focusing on his behavior and wondering what he's thinking you need to put that energy into yourself.

Is this relationship meeting your needs?

Do you believe you deserve better?

It sounds as if you are awfully available to him.  Do you spend time with your friends and outside interests?

[scaredgf]

18 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Instead of focusing on his behavior and wondering what he's thinking you need to put that energy into yourself.

Is this relationship meeting your needs?

Do you believe you deserve better?

It sounds as if you are awfully available to him.  Do you spend time with your friends and outside interests?

These are really good points, thank you. I do spend some time with my friends and alone, though maybe I don't do so enough. Recently I am very invested in him instead.. This helps a lot, thank you

[Andrina]

You need to learn something important in life whether it be in friendships or romances. You need to sit back and let the other person show effort half the time instead of how it sounds--you continuing to put in the majority of the effort and giving attention when you're receiving breadcrumbs in return.

Sounds like you wanted him so badly that you didn't walk away the first time he pushed you away. You didn't value yourself, and he doesn't value you now. People who have a healthy self-worth don't stick around to be pushed away, ignored, etc.

Of course, you were relentless and so learn your own part in this. He got used to having a fan, and he thought he'd give it a try. But it turns out he's lost that loving feeling, which is normal at your ages. Many people need to have many relationships in the younger years to determine who the lifetime keeper is.

It's pretty simple. If your needs are reasonable and your partner doesn't meet them, it's time to realize it's best to end things. You tried communication. If he cared about you, he would want to please you and be the best bf possible. But he hasn't taken the steps to do that, so he's likely too cowardly to be the one to break-up. So do yourself a favor and set yourself free. It sounds like you might be too full-on with getting your hearts desire, chasing when it's not reciprocated. That's likely something you could work on to do better in the future. The right guy for you doesn't need chasing nor being convinced to give you a chance.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others.  And I don't buy his excuse about why he rejected you so much in the past- perhaps he's rationalizing this to himself but you don't burden and hurt someone else because of your fears and after all that you accepted him in your life because of his dramatic confession.  He had to wonder why you would tolerate all of that.  I'm sorry!

[scaredgf]

29 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You need to learn something important in life whether it be in friendships or romances. You need to sit back and let the other person show effort half the time instead of how it sounds--you continuing to put in the majority of the effort and giving attention when you're receiving breadcrumbs in return.

Sounds like you wanted him so badly that you didn't walk away the first time he pushed you away. You didn't value yourself, and he doesn't value you now. People who have a healthy self-worth don't stick around to be pushed away, ignored, etc.

Of course, you were relentless and so learn your own part in this. He got used to having a fan, and he thought he'd give it a try. But it turns out he's lost that loving feeling, which is normal at your ages. Many people need to have many relationships in the younger years to determine who the lifetime keeper is.

It's pretty simple. If your needs are reasonable and your partner doesn't meet them, it's time to realize it's best to end things. You tried communication. If he cared about you, he would want to please you and be the best bf possible. But he hasn't taken the steps to do that, so he's likely too cowardly to be the one to break-up. So do yourself a favor and set yourself free. It sounds like you might be too full-on with getting your hearts desire, chasing when it's not reciprocated. That's likely something you could work on to do better in the future. The right guy for you doesn't need chasing nor being convinced to give you a chance.

Thank you so much

[scaredgf]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others.  And I don't buy his excuse about why he rejected you so much in the past- perhaps he's rationalizing this to himself but you don't burden and hurt someone else because of your fears and after all that you accepted him in your life because of his dramatic confession.  He had to wonder why you would tolerate all of that.  I'm sorry!

He did wonder, he was shocked I stuck around for so long after rejections. Thank you.. ❤️

[reinventmyself]

6 minutes ago, scaredgf said:

He did wonder, he was shocked I stuck around for so long after rejections. Thank you.. ❤️

and what that told him is you have some self worth issues. He may ultimately find that unattractive. Someone with a healthy selfesteem doesn't continue to pursue a person who isn't interested.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, scaredgf said:

he was shocked I stuck around for so long after rejections.

It's not a good look for you, OP. 

It tells him you don't have much self-respect, and perhaps are a little desperate. This current dynamic is an extension of that: you've talked to him repeatedly about these relationship problems and are obviously not very happy, but you're still there. 

It's hard for a man to respect a woman who doesn't respect herself. Why did you wait around so long? What did you tell youself every time he rejected you? 

[boltnrun]

My ex told me he treated me poorly and like an afterthought because I accepted his poor treatment. He said he figured I must like being treated like that because not only did I stick around but I even told him I loved him. So he figured, why change? He said if I had put my foot down and refused to put up with being treated poorly he at least would have respected me. But because I didn't, he didn't. 

[smackie9]

He's probably lost feelings and is too much of a coward to end it...so he's doing the slow fade in hopes you will figure it out on your own. 

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Instead of focusing on his behavior and wondering what he's thinking you need to put that energy into yourself.

Yes! I'd make this less about him and more about myself. I get to decide whether this is enough for me. 

He's not my project. My old habit of making him into my project was based on a fantasy 'about' him, but now that he's showing me who he really is, do I want and deserve a better investment from a lover?

Do I want to leave or stay? If I want to stay, then here I am, and this is as good as it gets. I can tap dance, I can stand on my head, I can jump through hoops, but if the guy doesn't care, then--he does not care.

If I want to leave, then the next question becomes, when? How soon will I put this mistake behind me in order to enjoy a new future with someone I can love with reciprocity?