Communication Quandry

[Coily]

I have been noticing an increasing trend on ENA, and that is about frequency and expectations about communications. So rather than flood some poor OP with endless debates and contradictory thoughts I figured it was high time to make a thread about just that, communication.

I will start with I don't think there is any right or wrong way for communications be be conducted, but I think there is a distinct overload of communications for most people, and dating adds a layer of anxiousness. In the "Digital age of current year" all our devices, emails, and other instant communications I think give a lot of artificial intrusions and demands of others lives. Especially when dating! It used to be going out way to meet that special someone for a quick 5 minute to an hour chat was something cherished, now you are at their beck and call with a text. A little impersonal series of 1s and 0s, that we are now deeply invested in every nuance of.

To that end, i think we stress those little digital interaction far more than we do the time spent in person. We use digital umbilical cords to make decisions and build false hopes; rather than the look in someone's eyes or the gestures made in person.

Have at it.

[Seraphim]

In person is best. Most of communication isn’t in spoken or written words. I was so glad to find a partner before the digital age . 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

In person is best. Most of communication isn’t in spoken or written words. I was so glad to find a partner before the digital age . 

Absolutely!

I find it very curious that there are these "rules" about how digital communications are supposed to work, and treated as a universal standard.  I think it put undue stress on what would have been considered normal quiet times.

When you started dating your husband, would you consider pacing those communications more healthy than some of what we read here?

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

Absolutely!

I find it very curious that there are these "rules" about how digital communications are supposed to work, and treated as a universal standard.  I think it put undue stress on what would have been considered normal quiet times.

When you started dating your husband, would you consider pacing those communications more healthy than some of what we read here?

I think so. Most of our interactions were in person , some by phone call when we couldn’t see each other . Sometimes when he was away with the military or I was away with the military , it was by written letter, snail, mail style. Long before long distance plans were affordable. But we met at University so we saw each other almost daily . 

[boltnrun]

My husband wrote me little love notes before we got engaged or married but were in a solid committed relationship. I still have many of them. It was his way of expressing his love when he wasn't able to see or speak to me. He would hand them to me when he saw me and I would read them when I was by myself. And yes, I also wrote him notes. He also wrote the most gawd awful poems but they were so sincere. 

I guess scrolling through your phone reading words on your screen has the same effect. But I feel the effect is blunted when you're texting all day, every day. 

Of course, I am old (which was so very kindly pointed out to me by another poster on this forum 😜 ) so I have no idea how the folks who don't have one foot in the grave do things these days. 

[Coily]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband wrote me little love notes before we got engaged or married but were in a solid committed relationship. I still have many of them. It was his way of expressing his love when he wasn't able to see or speak to me. He would hand them to me when he saw me and I would read them when I was by myself. And yes, I also wrote him notes. He also wrote the most gawd awful poems but they were so sincere. 

I guess scrolling through your phone reading words on your screen has the same effect. But I feel the effect is blunted when you're texting all day, every day. 

Of course, I am old (which was so very kindly pointed out to me by another poster on this forum 😜 ) so I have no idea how the folks who don't have one foot in the grave do things these days. 

Now that's quite honorable and amazing of him! I think there is something less tangible and thus less meaningful about a text. Having that note, is something you can hang on to for all of your days, not accidentally deleted when you get a new phone. I would also be willing to bet there was weight to every "bad" poem as he had to compose it?

[itsallgrand]

I'm not even dating and haven't for 8 years now, and I'm stressed by the constant deluge of texts. Some people do freak out if you aren't in constant communication, even over a gif. I feel like it has to be actively managed, which is labour I'd really rather not do bit is inevitable now. 

 

[LootieTootie]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm not even dating and haven't for 8 years now, and I'm stressed by the constant deluge of texts. Some people do freak out if you aren't in constant communication, even over a gif. I feel like it has to be actively managed, which is labour I'd really rather not do bit is inevitable now. 

 

This. I have my phone on silence because I have 2 group texts that can blow up when someone starts. I am already busy as it is so texting or calling can become a nuisance for me.

Saying that, I met my husband online and we never bombarded each other with texting.I remembered he did want to talk more but I was always busy with work, but I also told him no way was I investing in him until he move to my town. He made it happened - which is why I still believe that if someone really wants to be with you, they will be with you. 

We were long distance for about 6 months and we have been married for 8 years.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

I will start with I don't think there is any right or wrong way for communications be be conducted, but I think there is a distinct overload of communications for most people, and dating adds a layer of anxiousness. In the "Digital age of current year" all our devices, emails, and other instant communications I think give a lot of artificial intrusions and demands of others lives. Especially when dating! It used to be going out way to meet that special someone for a quick 5 minute to an hour chat was something cherished, now you are at their beck and call with a text. A little impersonal series of 1s and 0s, that we are now deeply invested in every nuance of.

To that end, i think we stress those little digital interaction far more than we do the time spent in person. We use digital umbilical cords to make decisions and build false hopes; rather than the look in someone's eyes or the gestures made in person.

Have at it.

Brilliant post Coily.  I feel bad for anyone who has to wade through the dating world in this day and age.  For me, it all sounds like a nightmare and not much fun at all and rather exhausting.  My brain would be totally frazzled, lol.

Like Seraphim, we didn't grow up with all this technology.  Everything was done face-to-face.  And if that didn't happen, it was either a phone call to make a plan to meet again.  (Note: A phone call - not many many calls and talking for hours at a time, every single day, lol).  To this day, we hardly ever use our phones, mine is usually switched off for days at a time 😄. Our phones get used for things like "can you pick up some milk on the way home please?", and that's it, lol.  I can't for the life of me imagine being bombarded with non-stop text messages throughout the day and night. Way too exhausting, lol.

 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Of course, I am old (which was so very kindly pointed out to me by another poster on this forum 😜 ) so I have no idea how the folks who don't have one foot in the grave do things these days. 

^ Agreed, lol. Sounds like way too much work, lol.

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Brilliant post Coily.  I feel bad for anyone who has to wade through the dating world in this day and age.  For me, it all sounds like a nightmare and not much fun at all and rather exhausting.  My brain would be totally frazzled, lol.

Like Seraphim, we didn't grow up with all this technology.  Everything was done face-to-face.  And if that didn't happen, it was either a phone call to make a plan to meet again.  (Note: A phone call - not many many calls and talking for hours at a time, every single day, lol).  To this day, we hardly ever use our phones, mine is usually switched off for days at a time 😄. Our phones get used for things like "can you pick up some milk on the way home please?", and that's it, lol.  I can't for the life of me imagine being bombarded with non-stop text messages throughout the day and night. Way too exhausting, lol.

 

The only person I get text bombed by is my mom … lol. 

[Kwothe28]

Sadly, there is a growing trend in younger generation where the mere act of even answering the phone creates them anxiety. So it goes like this:

Answering a phone- anxiety

Answering a text message- controlled environment where you can have time to answer whenever you want and do it under your conditions

Lots of younger people thinks in that way. And technology evolved to the point where that kind of a communication is a norm. Even jobs arent based on phone calls that much, but on emails and group chats. You can send docs, videos etc in that way too. So for younger people that is a preffered form of communication. That is why I said that we are all old and bunch of boomers. And that we are not in tune for stuff like that lol

[mylolita]

Evening Coily! 
 

Nice thread! 
 

I come at this as a 34 middling kinda gal, a millennial who has straddled the dawn of the social media CURSE! 
 

When I met the husband, he asked for my Facebook. Of course, Facebook was for ancients, only hip teenagers like myself at the time had a MYSPACE! 
 

I got a message from him straight away through MySpace to arrange a date. He called the next day. I met him at about midnight and I got home from work at 3:30 in the morning and there was this big, drunk message. I’m kinda sad I never properly saved it! I did but then the print out got lost! 
 

If I can remember from then on, it was calls, and everyday, a text now and then but, I still had a flip phone whereas he has the recently out thing called an iPhone(?!?) 🥲 but the dates were fast and we ended up being joined at the hip and living together almost instantly! 
 

Nowadays, I don’t know what the text etiquette is supposed to be, or the dating site etiquette, or online relationship etiquette. I suppose it’s a fairly recent, new world.

 

We humans, social creatures that we are, our evolution hasn’t caught up to tinder and FaceTime, webcam and text-athon. We crave the social aspect and the connection, but this supposed instant gratification of WhatsApp and text and emails isn’t really filling the void for us like simply dating face to face, meeting face to face, and talk to each other, face to face. We’re face to face communicators and rely on smell, tone, body language… micro expressions… so much is absolutely lost! Lost - over anything online.

 

For the question of how it should all be navigated? Ideally, never. But realistically - I think it needs to be played by ear and minimised as much as you can. 
 

Did I go off track? 🤣

 

I have no online dating app experience and that is probably unusual for someone in my age bracket! Ahem! 
 

x

[mylolita]

 

 

These highlight the change perfectly for me! 
 

x

 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sadly, there is a growing trend in younger generation where the mere act of even answering the phone creates them anxiety. So it goes like this:

Answering a phone- anxiety

Answering a text message- controlled environment where you can have time to answer whenever you want and do it under your conditions

Lots of younger people thinks in that way. And technology evolved to the point where that kind of a communication is a norm. Even jobs arent based on phone calls that much, but on emails and group chats. You can send docs, videos etc in that way too. So for younger people that is a preffered form of communication. That is why I said that we are all old and bunch of boomers. And that we are not in tune for stuff like that lol

Hahaha my mom is a boomer, 78 in March and she texts like a champ…lol

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sadly, there is a growing trend in younger generation where the mere act of even answering the phone creates them anxiety.

Oh believe me, to this day, I HATE making a phone call, or receiving one. Absolutely have hated phones my entire life, lol.

I also don't understand where people find the time to actually do their job with the amount of texting they do all day (to their partners), lol.

[mylolita]

I like a phone call but no one in my age bracket wants to pick up. They literally don’t answer their phone then text me two minutes after missing the call.

 

Crazy. 
 

x

[mylolita]

I’m a big, annoying advocate for:

 

Meet in real life; date in real life, talk in real life… all of that.

 

Relationships are complicated and hard enough sometimes to get off the ground and navigate, let alone having to first go through the gauntlet of the apps, or back and forth texting. I personally think online opens up too much choice, and an illusion of time, and instant dopamine  hits that are shallow. 
 

I am guilty of this in many ways, but the days and times we feel fulfilled and better and the discoveries we have made, have often been when we are living in “the real world” and having “real, authentic” moments.

 

x

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Oh believe me, to this day, I HATE making a phone call, or receiving one. Absolutely have hated phones my entire life, lol.

I also don't understand where people find the time to actually do their job with the amount of texting they do all day (to their partners), lol.

Right ? I hate making calls or receiving them. It is like pee off and leave me in peace. However the constant texting is more annoying. My mom texts constantly because she is deaf as a post even with hearing aids . 

[Capricorn3]

33 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

. My mom texts constantly because she is deaf as a post even with hearing aids . 

LOL, my mom is totally deaf too! (and she has hearing aids). BUT, she has no idea how to text (no matter how many times she's been shown), so she always phones and then she shouts into the phone and we have to repeat ourselves a thousand times and shouting back.  oh lord,,,,,,lol.

[boltnrun]

I just don't like how it's apparently socially acceptable to take your phone to the dinner table and be on it the entire time. My niece spent the entire Thanksgiving dinner, which my brother and I spent hours cooking, scrolling on her phone. The only time she spoke was when she grunted one word answers to questions I asked. And they weren't rude or invasive questions. I was just trying to draw her into the conversation. She wasn't interested.

My ex went ballistic a few times when I didn't answer his calls or texts right away. Like, sorry dude, I have kids and sometimes they need things! And I also had a job. He said those were not valid excuses 🙄. 

[itsallgrand]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

This. I have my phone on silence because I have 2 group texts that can blow up when someone starts. I am already busy as it is so texting or calling can become a nuisance for me.

Saying that, I met my husband online and we never bombarded each other with texting.I remembered he did want to talk more but I was always busy with work, but I also told him no way was I investing in him until he move to my town. He made it happened - which is why I still believe that if someone really wants to be with you, they will be with you. 

We were long distance for about 6 months and we have been married for 8 years.

Group texts are the WORST! I turn off my notification sounds so I'm not stressing lol.

And kinda cute coincidence, been with my SO the same amount and were long distance for many months in the beginning too. 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

To that end, i think we stress those little digital interaction far more than we do the time spent in person. We use digital umbilical cords to make decisions and build false hopes; rather than the look in someone's eyes or the gestures made in person.

I also believe that all this digital interaction has led to almost epidemic proportions of young people world wide living with "social anxiety" and living in their bedrooms too afraid to actually meet someone face-to-face, and when they do, are unable to actually have a great conversation.  They can communicate and have long "conversations" by text all day long, but once it's in real life, they clam up and forget how to speak.  No wonder dating is so stressful.

[Seraphim]

20 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

LOL, my mom is totally deaf too! BUT, she has no idea how to text (no matter how many times she's been shown), so she always phones and then she shouts into the phone and we have to repeat ourselves a thousand times and shouting back.  oh lord,,,,,,lol.

Thankfully mom can text . She has 90% hearing loss in one ear and 70% in the other. If she isn’t wearing them you have to yell at her sitting right next to her . It is sad. 😓 Her migraines have made her deaf is what the ENT and audiologist told her . The severity of her migraines have displaced the crystals in her ears. 

[Seraphim]

This anxiety which has gripped society comes from the fact we have a zero downtime. The human body and mind was never meant for the onslaught of information and stimulus 24/7. It NEEDS downtime for the body and mind to reset and it isn’t getting it now from toddlerhood on up so humans are now an anxiety riddled basket cases.