Communication Quandry

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I’m team sack the whole online dating app thing off completely! 
 

Get out there in the wild 🤣

 

My dislike for the online thing is, it seems to take the shine off “at first sight” and stops the first meet experience, or first impression. Because, even if you haven’t text much, you still already have viewed a profile and know a little chunk about them, whereas, meeting someone in real life for the first time; you get all the new senses - sight, sound, smell - all of that, and you can get a great and well rounded first impression taking all these dimensions in. 
 

Instead with online, you are trying to decide a profile, a phone call, or any texts that might come your way before the actual date. I think it takes a lot from a first meet! 
 

x

Deleted as off topic

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Wise.  Didn't mean to go off topic, I was simply responding to this comment (below) by another poster.  My bad. 

"I also see many disparage online dating as not being spontaneous and how it’s better to meet in real life. The way I interacted on dating sites was very close to meting in real life as I limited the virtual communication."

Back to topic. 

I think what I wrote is absolutely on topic.  It has to do with how people communicate when it comes to dating especially through texting.. And this thread is not to give advice to someone but to discuss a topic.  I think what I wrote is on topic.  

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely better to have a varied dating portfolio, meaning having  quality dating apps to meet people and of course that doesn't rule out meeting people in person. So clearly it's not an either or thing. 

However the thread is about using texting as a measurement of interest, relationship status and a host of other confusing phone statuses and text frequency issues. Regardless of meeting on apps or in real life. 

 

Yes and that is why I wrote about limiting virtual communication prior to meeting.  I didn't want to use it as a measurement of interest on either end.  To me the interest that meant anything was interest in meeting in person, acting on that interest -and a message or call to confirm was all that was needed IMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think what I wrote is absolutely on topic.  

Bat, your post was fine.

*I* was the one who went off topic in my response not you.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, your post was fine.

*I* was the one who went off topic in my response not you.  

No worries -I'm responding right away to avoid a Communication Quandary 😉

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And here we go again! 😜

I don't think so - this topic is rather broad and it's not to advise an OP as to what to do so if it goes off topic to some extent it's certainly not going to hurt an OP.  I wanted to clarify I was on topic -and deliberately chose not to respond to a response to me that would have meant going off topic -it can be addressed privately or not at all.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, jul-els said:

Digitally is the way people have seem to communicate by and large these days and it is isolating and insulating, imo. The art of communication and socializing in general is degrading because of it. 

Sad but true.  I've noticed that such isolation has resulted in a sort of social anxiety and fear of venturing out away from the comfort and safety of their computers.

I also believe this is (or one reason) why there is so much flaking that goes on.

People may have the right intentions when scheduling a meet but as the time to meet approaches, their anxiety kicks in and they flake. I actually know people like this! 

Anyway, it's a sad truth that many people attach significant meaning to how often a person texts (or not). And they've come to expect it when the other person is interested.

And when that expectation is not met, they can spiral downwards.

I have no idea what the answer is unless there is some sort of global computer crash that forces people to venture out which is unlikely to ever happen. 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sad but true.  I've noticed that such isolation has resulted in a sort of social anxiety and fear of venturing out away from the comfort and safety of their computers.

I also believe this is (or one reason) why there is so much flaking that goes on.

People may have the right intentions when scheduling a meet but as the time to meet approaches, their anxiety kicks in and they flake. I actually know people like this! 

Anyway, it's a sad truth that many people attach significant meaning to how often a person texts (or not). And they've come to expect it when the other person is interested.

And when that expectation is not met, they can spiral downwards.

I have no idea what the answer is unless there is some sort of global computer crash that forces people to venture out which is unlikely to ever happen. 

 

So - I've also noticed more requests -by parents for their teenager/young adult kids - for sort of a coach to help with basic social skills -like for interviews -basic writing of a thank you letter etc - and I wonder if it's because those skills don't develop and/or get rusty when it's all about texting.  These requests show up on my FB groups. Like for example on another thread someone said when he took the woman on a date she was on her phone the whole time.  So - that should be -common sense -manners -not to do that -but it's not.  And it's part of this discussion - that woman likely didn't want to miss even one text or snap or whatever even though she is in person on a date.

 

[mylolita]

I don’t see why talking about online dating when Coily is talking about online communication in the romantic sense is off topic? It’s a discussion thread after all? Things are connected to other things. This to me is a general “technology in the modern age how does it impact on communication” question which is pretty as broad as they get! 

 

Anyway, imagine if no thread ever went off topic? How boring do ya’ll wanna get?

 

Dry as a crisp!

 

OOOO THE RULES THE RULES! 
 

Wiseman you can tell on me for this one too! 🥳
 

x

[boltnrun]

Hm, being "off topic" isn't an issue for me personally. It's the back and forth squabbling between two or three people that goes on for pages and pages that's off-putting to me. 

Anyway...I prefer actually speaking to someone using my voice over texting. I don't view texting as "proof" someone is into me. Shoot, my ex sent me a "Happy V Day!" text and I was all aflutter. Then I found out he'd sent that same text to three other women. Not so special after all. 

[Coily]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Wise.  Didn't mean to go off topic, I was simply responding to this comment (below) by another poster.  My bad. 

"I also see many disparage online dating as not being spontaneous and how it’s better to meet in real life. The way I interacted on dating sites was very close to meting in real life as I limited the virtual communication."

Back to topic. 

Best part, the topic is communications, so run wild with it.

[catfeeder]

On 1/28/2024 at 9:42 AM, kim42 said:

...I think if someone is into you, they will be happy to hear from you ...  it's a little silly when a grown up adult is worried about double-texting. 

Ghaaad, yeah! When I see that, I tend to think we're dealing with a high schooler who's adopted some viral rule book as though it were gospel.

I think every generation has had its own set of communication challenges with dating. As women we might have consulted Mom, Aunt or Grandma--until they opened their mouths and we tried not to roll our eyes. We walked away thinking they are so out of touch, while they tittered about how silly this generation behaves around 'the telephone'. Same scenario likely happened in the 60's or 80's or 00's, just as it does today.

So the advice we got from peers was questionable, yet the advice we got from prior generations didn't even sound applicable. I don't know how any of us managed, but I doubt we'd be where we are today had we double texted...

[catfeeder]

On 1/28/2024 at 12:28 PM, Batya33 said:

I met many people in person through dating sites.  By contrast I know many people who went on dating sites to chat, flirt, sext, fall in love virtually and pretend to date online -they were doing online dating.

Yeah, that's a distinction that's been blurred over the years since the lockdowns. People who wanted mileage out of their dating apps had to meet virtually, or otherwise meet outdoors with their faces covered.

Since that time of normalizing online relationships, we've seen a lot more people discussing actual love investments with someone they've never even met in person. It's not the anomaly it once was, and the pain people feel over their communication patterns deviating by even the slightest degree is remarkable.

This is living in one's own head, and I think larger numbers than we can fathom have never recovered socially from enforced isolation. I don't think there's been a precedent period of this in history.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think meeting for the first time spontaneously is better or worse. Just different.

I agree. It might clue us in, right off the bat, to physical attraction and the potential for a spark, but it's just not the only valid means of finding those with someone.

I think it's natural for people who are coupled up to view the way in which they met their partner as the 'best' way. It's just not the only way available to others, and discounting anyone else's experiences or preferences makes no sense.

[Coily]

46 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, that's a distinction that's been blurred over the years since the lockdowns. People who wanted mileage out of their dating apps had to meet virtually, or otherwise meet outdoors with their faces covered.

Since that time of normalizing online relationships, we've seen a lot more people discussing actual love investments with someone they've never even met in person. It's not the anomaly it once was, and the pain people feel over their communication patterns deviating by even the slightest degree is remarkable.

This is living in one's own head, and I think larger numbers than we can fathom have never recovered socially from enforced isolation. I don't think there's been a precedent period of this in history.

That's an excellent point, the virtual world became the only world for people for nearly 2 years. It's wild to think how that changed everything, i don't know if we even have a clue how much damage that has caused for those who were developing their dating communication skills.

 

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

However the thread is about using texting as a measurement of interest, relationship status and a host of other confusing phone statuses and text frequency issues. Regardless of meeting on apps or in real life. 

Thanks for defining the topic. I haven't seen anyone discussing anything that doesn't contribute to this. If two people are willing to meet in person through an app, then they've already established at least some degree of interest based on message exchanges. However, meeting in person and exchanging phone numbers tells us nothing in advance about a person's messaging preferences (or tolerances) beyond the fact that they have a phone.

Neither scenario is 'better,' they each just have a different learning challenge.

[catfeeder]

16 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's an excellent point, the virtual world became the only world for people for nearly 2 years. It's wild to think how that changed everything, i don't know if we even have a clue how much damage that has caused for those who were developing their dating communication skills.

Yep, and 'developing' is a key word. I was shocked to learn that adolescence doesn't end at age 18, but rather, mid 20's. So think of the huge numbers of 'developing' people who were trapped with only devices for communication--and not for the 6 weeks we anticipated--but for a solid 1 or 2 years!

I agree that this is likely a big part of what we are observing when people discuss texting as their primary means of communication with a lover or a date. I've even seen people text one another within their own households!

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, that's a distinction that's been blurred over the years since the lockdowns. People who wanted mileage out of their dating apps had to meet virtually, or otherwise meet outdoors with their faces covered.

Since that time of normalizing online relationships, we've seen a lot more people discussing actual love investments with someone they've never even met in person. It's not the anomaly it once was, and the pain people feel over their communication patterns deviating by even the slightest degree is remarkable.

This is living in one's own head, and I think larger numbers than we can fathom have never recovered socially from enforced isolation. I don't think there's been a precedent period of this in history.

Yes great point about 2020-recently! For the last almost 2 years I've had an online female penpal and we texted almost daily -no phone calls for practical reasons.  Yes if I traveled to her city we would have met.  She made it clear more than once that she would never go MIA even if we disagreed on something (we never had any major disagreements or any stress -we had things in common from the FB group we met on -sort of a book club - and discovered we loved chatting daily or o). 

But over 2 weeks ago -she'd had medical issues for awhile -she texted me that she was very sick - not sure if it was covid or flu - and she'd text tomorrow. Now I haven't heard from her.  I followed up twice -once a week - first a few days later -just sending good thoughts. I am very worried. I'm not sure what to do in this limbo situation -we actually had many personal conversations - and I'm FB friends with her - and she has family on there -but given the boundaries -do I message any of her adult kids??

To me it's a communication quandary -you can be very close platonically when it's all virtual (to me romance is a different category) but when the communication ends and you believe it's due to illness -but -she's also sort of a stranger -so who knows? To me it's hard to know how to navigate. So far, I've done nothing.  And praying she is ok. I can see where if this was a romance I might wonder -is he truly ill or was it an excuse, etc etc. As Dr. Joy used to say when something changes something changes.