Communication Quandry

[Batya33]

Another thing I thought about -hope it's related enough.  Shows like Seinfeld/Friends/Sex and  the City for most of its run, Brady Bunch, the movie Sleepless in Seattle  -imagine how different those shows would have been with internet/social media/texting.  To me they would have been worse, not as interesting relationship/dating wise (ok maybe interesting in a different way but different in an uninteresting way to me). 

But it makes you see the difference. Yes I harp on how I didn't date online (I didn't!) but the communication without all this "he put me on read/he ghosted me" - meant you absolutely could not have instant gratification/know what your new date was doing unless you frequented the same hangouts or it was a school or work thing -even then - and.... I think it was better that way.  Safety wise being able to google etc might be better.....or... sometimes ignorance is bliss.  

[MrMan1983]

Great post, I’m genuinely tired of navigating smartphone messaging all I want to do is set the date then focus on the date itself but so many women (and probably guys) expect you to be texting lots in between, I get it if you’re in a relationship checking in sometimes but in the pre first date or even early dating phase I don’t get why we need to be in constant contact outside of the odd check in. Surely the fact you’re setting dates should indicate your interest? Had someone recently where I had set the date then she had assumed it was off because I hadn’t text for a couple of days between  😂🤦‍♂️ Then other times you get called too keen if you text, no win situation. Can we go back to pre smartphone culture please 😆

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I harp on how I didn't date online (I didn't!)

You said in previous posts you used to use online dating sites which is what everyone else calls online dating 🤔 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

 Had someone recently where I had set the date then she had assumed it was off because I hadn’t text for a couple of days between.

After setting up a date, it's probably a good idea for very light contact and confirmation rather than playing it too cool.  Like using PUA "three day rule" to play games. That's actually what texting is for. It's not lieu of dating, but dropping off the radar for days seems self-defeating. 

[kim42]

If two  people have different communication/texting style, it could be an issue, like If someone wants to text and send memes everyday, while the other person doesn't like texting that much.

There are so many threads on reddit about texting, it's interesting to read it, there's a lot of pressue to text 'the right way'. I think if someone is into you, they will be happy to hear from you, I feel there are too many 'rules' around texting. I mean, when you think about it,  it's a little silly when a grown up adult is worried about double-texting. 

[MrMan1983]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

After setting up a date, it's probably a good idea for very light contact and confirmation rather than playing it too cool.  Like using PUA "three day rule" to play games. That's actually what texting is for. It's not lieu of dating, but dropping off the radar for days seems self-defeating. 

I got back in contact to set the time and location after we agreed the date day previously 🤷🏼‍♂️ So we were chatting on say the Friday then agreed to meet at end of following week, get back in contact at start of the next week to sort plans. 

[kim42]

31 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Great post, I’m genuinely tired of navigating smartphone messaging all I want to do is set the date then focus on the date itself but so many women (and probably guys) expect you to be texting lots in between, I get it if you’re in a relationship checking in sometimes but in the pre first date or even early dating phase I don’t get why we need to be in constant contact outside of the odd check in. Surely the fact you’re setting dates should indicate your interest? Had someone recently where I had set the date then she had assumed it was off because I hadn’t text for a couple of days between  😂🤦‍♂️ Then other times you get called too keen if you text, no win situation. Can we go back to pre smartphone culture please 😆

Just out of curiosity, you said you didn't text her for a couple of days - how many days exactly?

I admit it would be a little red flag for me if a man didn't text me in between dates.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

I got back in contact to set the time and location after we agreed the date day previously... then agreed to meet at end of following week, get back in contact at start of the next week to sort plans. 

Exactly. Brief light contact with some "looking forward to..." is really all you need. Everything else is just noise until you meet in person. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

You said in previous posts you used to use online dating sites which is what everyone else calls online dating 🤔 

I don't!  Because I know people who date online and I never did and don't consider it dating. I met many people in person through dating sites.  By contrast I know many people who went on dating sites to chat, flirt, sext, fall in love virtually and pretend to date online -they were doing online dating. I screened out many men who wanted to do this/seemed to. I'm not everyone!  Meeting people through personal ads, blind dates and dating sites were among the ways I looked for a good match for marriage.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Just out of curiosity, you said you didn't text her for a couple of days - how many days exactly?

I admit it would be a little red flag for me if a man didn't text me in between dates.

 

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

If two  people have different communication/texting style, it could be an issue, like If someone wants to text and send memes everyday, while the other person doesn't like texting that much.

There are so many threads on reddit about texting, it's interesting to read it, there's a lot of pressue to text 'the right way'. I think if someone is into you, they will be happy to hear from you, I feel there are too many 'rules' around texting. I mean, when you think about it,  it's a little silly when a grown up adult is worried about double-texting. 

I didn't have a cell and rarely did IM between dates.  I didn't like it when a man called too much between the first few dates - I found it needy/clingy/reddish flags.  

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I met many people in person through dating sites.

Yes this is what 99% of people call online dating. 
 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

By contrast I know many people who went on dating sites to chat, flirt, sext, fall in love virtually and pretend to date online -they were doing online dating.

And this is called time wasting, not any kind of dating in my book.

 

[boltnrun]

I think what most people refer to as "online dating" is using dating sites to find actual dates.  It's different from virtual "relationships", which are between entities who have ONLY communicated through some kind of electronic device and have never met in person.

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

 

I didn't have a cell and rarely did IM between dates.  I didn't like it when a man called too much between the first few dates - I found it needy/clingy/reddish flags.  

Yep it’s a difficult balance, I’ve got one at the moment that keeps sending great big long texts with tons of questions (it’s good she’s keen as she seems lovely) but I want to save the convo for the date, yet not be blunt and put her off. I do try and say “I’ll fill you in on that when we meet up” but doesn’t quite seem to work 😂

[MrMan1983]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I think what most people refer to as "online dating" is using dating sites to find actual dates.  It's different from virtual "relationships", which are between entities who have ONLY communicated through some kind of electronic device and have never met in person.

Agreed. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Yes this is what 99% of people call online dating. 
 

And this is called time wasting, not any kind of dating in my book.

 

I agree!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Yep it’s a difficult balance, I’ve got one at the moment that keeps sending great big long texts with tons of questions (it’s good she’s keen as she seems lovely) but I want to save the convo for the date, yet not be blunt and put her off. I do try and say “I’ll fill you in on that when we meet up” but doesn’t quite seem to work 😂

I had that happen at times. But with no texting it was harder to do that. I remember hearing 3 times from the same man over a year or so. Long form email about him. Seemed lovely. Then you get to the last paragraph or so and he reveals he has a strong preference for wrestling during sex and it’s not a full blown fetish and not an absolute requirement. 
Each time I politely declined. This was over 20 years ago. I think back then people like him with these preferences probably found it easier to communicate all of this up front via email to screen out those who wouldn’t be ok with it. Like me. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I think what most people refer to as "online dating" is using dating sites to find actual dates.  It's different from virtual "relationships", which are between entities who have ONLY communicated through some kind of electronic device and have never met in person.

Yes. And often here I see the person claims to be online dating but is dragging his or her feet meeting or putting up with feet dragging. That’s when to me it seems like the person actually prefers to “date online “ I also see many disparage online dating as not being spontaneous and how it’s better to meet in real life. The way I interacted on dating sites was very close to meting in real life as I limited the virtual communication. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I've posted this previously, but imo I think it's best to mix it up.  Use dating apps, attend events and meet-ups and be open to talking to people in real life when the opportunity arises.   Use every avenue available to you.  

 

The definition of spontaneous is "unplanned and occurring without apparent external cause."

 

The way I interpret that definition in the context of dating is - doesn't matter if two people talked on-line for one minute, one hour, one week, one month or longer, if they have a planned meet to determine if there is a mutual attraction and/or they want to schedule a 'date,' it is not spontaneous.

 

$.02.

[jul-els]

Digitally is the way people have seem to communicate by and large these days and it is isolating and insulating, imo. The art of communication and socializing in general is degrading because of it. Maybe people will wake up to it and start changing their habits. Or maybe not. Time will tell. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've posted this previously, but imo I think it's best to mix it up.  Use dating apps, attend events and meet-ups and be open to talking to people in real life when the opportunity arises.   Use every avenue available to you.

 

The definition of spontaneous is "unplanned and occurring without apparent external cause."

 

The way I interpret that meaning in the context of dating is - doesn't matter if two people talked on-line for one hour, one week, one month or longer, if they have a planned meet to determine if there is a mutual attraction and they to want to schedule a 'date,' it is not spontaneous.

 

$.02.

Interesting definition! I don’t think meeting for the first time spontaneously is better or worse. Just different. I think with rare exception life is better with some spontaneity and that includes romantic relationships. The spontaneity can happen when you first meet or later ! I don’t think it’s meaningful spontaneity when someone texts another person randomly. But I spontaneously called my sister the other day. It had been so long since we spoke. Her phone rang and rang. Turned out because- she’d decided to spontaneously call me. We ate it up when we found out lol. 
When I planned a first meet it was to see if we should go on a real date in the future. It wasn’t just to test mutual attraction. Because I accepted that attraction can grow in person as long as you’re not repulsed. It was to see if we had a nice time in person together. Clicked well enough to go on a first date. Sometimes there was spontaneity in the first meet - deciding on a whim to spend more time together or do some fun activity etc. 

I think texting a lot during early dating impedes spontaneity. Impedes that anticipation of getting to know someone little by little. 
 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Interesting definition! I don’t think meeting for the first time spontaneously is better or worse. Just different

Not sure how 'interesting' it is Bat. It's from the Oxford English Dictionary.  It is what it is. 

I 100% agree that it's not better or worse, just different. 

I've met serious boyfriends online, at a singles event and while out and about (my current boyfriend who as most know I met on an elevator of all places!) 😀

That said for ME, I prefer meeting naturally, the way I met my boyfriend.

But dating apps do work well for many people, a girlfriend of mine met her husband on match.com many years ago. 

No right or wrong. 

 

[mylolita]

I’m team sack the whole online dating app thing off completely! 
 

Get out there in the wild 🤣

 

My dislike for the online thing is, it seems to take the shine off “at first sight” and stops the first meet experience, or first impression. Because, even if you haven’t text much, you still already have viewed a profile and know a little chunk about them, whereas, meeting someone in real life for the first time; you get all the new senses - sight, sound, smell - all of that, and you can get a great and well rounded first impression taking all these dimensions in. 
 

Instead with online, you are trying to decide a profile, a phone call, or any texts that might come your way before the actual date. I think it takes a lot from a first meet! 
 

x

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

.  Use dating apps, attend events and meet-ups and be open to talking to people in real life when the opportunity arises.   Use every avenue available to you.  

Definitely better to have a varied dating portfolio, meaning having  quality dating apps to meet people and of course that doesn't rule out meeting people in person. So clearly it's not an either or thing. 

However the thread is about using texting as a measurement of interest, relationship status and a host of other confusing phone statuses and text frequency issues. Regardless of meeting on apps or in real life. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, mylolita said:

My dislike for the online thing is, it seems to take the shine off “at first sight” and stops the first meet experience, or first impression. Because, even if you haven’t text much, you still already have viewed a profile and know a little chunk about them, whereas, meeting someone in real life for the first time; you get all the new senses - sight, sound, smell - all of that, and you can get a great and well rounded first impression taking all these dimensions in. 

I agree with this!  For ME anyway. 

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely better to have a varied dating portfolio, meaning having  quality dating apps to meet people and of course that doesn't rule out meeting people in person. So clearly it's not an either or thing. 

However the thread is about using texting as a measurement of interest, relationship status and a host of other confusing phone statuses and text frequency issues. Regardless of meeting on apps or in real life. 

 

Thanks Wise.  Didn't mean to go off topic, I was simply responding to this comment (below) by another poster.  My bad. 

"I also see many disparage online dating as not being spontaneous and how it’s better to meet in real life. The way I interacted on dating sites was very close to meting in real life as I limited the virtual communication."

Back to topic.