I woke up to this text earlier, things I want to say, but haven't replied...

[Cynder]

My ex and I have been texting a lot lately.  But It's been casual except for a conversation about his sister a week ago.  Anyone here who has read any of my previous threads about him knows his sister (who's not really his sister) caused a lot of problems for us.  This woman texted me and told me to do the world a favor and go kill myself. So aside from that one time we talked about her and that whole situation, I've kept it mostly to talking about art and stuff, since we are both artists. 

People say if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be.  But we also let people go for a reason.  And he's right in the fact that he never tried to do me wrong.  But his mental health is what killed us.  He swears he has his meds straightened out and has everything under control now.  But I seriously doubt he got everything straightened out in 4 months. 

This was the best relationship I was ever in.  And as much as I wish everything could be the way it was before his mental health took a dive, I know it's never going to be that way. 

There's a lot I want to say.  I want to ask him why he even wants to "be close again" as he put it.  He's not a native English speaker.  (He is originally from Germany, lives in the US now.) So sometimes that comes across in his texts.  But really, who knows what he even means by wanting to be close again. 

I've built a pretty high wall around myself recently.  I cut all the toxic people out of my life.  I went from having a lot of friends to having a few friends.  I've been hurt a lot in my life.  I was born into a family that didn't want me and were really vocal about it.  Most of my exes cheated on me.  (He is one of only two that didn't.) And a lot of them cheated on my with my friends, which is twice the betrayal.  I've had a lot of people use me as a scapegoat, etc.  I've just learned over the last two years or so that 98% of humanity sucks and it's just easier to not let anyone get too close.  He was one of the good ones, in my opinion.  And then he went crazy.  And I'm not saying that to be derogatory, I mean, he started on different meds, and that combined with a traumatic event made him a completely different person for a while.  The final coffin nail in our relationship was his sisters daughter running away and him accusing me of having something to do with it.  He thought I sent my brother to get her and was hiding her at my house.  I just decided I can't do this anymore.  He was so out of touch with reality. 

He also pushed his son away during this time.  His son is terrified of him.  But from what I hear he's also trying to make amends with his son, too.  And the lady he calls Mom... she cut ties with him too over stuff like this.  I don't know if he's tried to reach out to her or not.  She's not really his Mom.  But when he came over here from Germany they were neighbors.  She took him under her wing, basically.  He's always been invited to her house for holidays.  She treats him like she treats her own kids, pretty much. 

I won't lie and say I don't still have feelings for him, because I do.  But I also know acting on them could be really dangerous for my own mental health. 

I don't expect anyone here to have some magic answer because there are a lot of layers to this situation.  I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I plan on talking about it there, too.  I am just here for thoughts, perspectives, etc, from people who aren't biased, I guess.  Thanks in advance. 

 

[Seraphim]

If he is still doing better in a year or more maybe but no one does a complete overhaul and is all fixed in four months. Seriously, I would dial it back and not get close right now . 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If he is still doing better in a year or more maybe but no one does a complete overhaul and is all fixed in four months. Seriously, I would dial it back and not get close right now . 

I was basically going to suggest the same including very limited contact till then. Also try not to get tempted to tell yourself about layers and complexity. For sure there may be but irrelevant to the present interaction. Relevant if in the future you two reconcile. Then if it’s still layered and complex as a couple you two can work it out together or maybe with a counselor. But it’s actually simple now. You ended things for a reason. A very important reason. A reason that remains because of the simple fact of how recent it was. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I was basically going to suggest the same including very limited contact till then. Also try not to get tempted to tell yourself about layers and complexity. For sure there may be but irrelevant to the present interaction. Relevant if in the future you two reconcile. Then if it’s still layered and complex as a couple you two can work it out together or maybe with a counselor. But it’s actually simple now. You ended things for a reason. A very important reason. A reason that remains because of the simple fact of how recent it was. 

Well, Idk.  To me the present interaction is just as layered as anything else.  There is 5 years of friendship here, plus a year as a couple.  There's history there no matter how things ends, etc.  To me that's a big part of what makes it layered. 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

People say if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be.  But we also let people go for a reason. 

I was just thinking about that quote before I read this. Are you reading my mind? 😉

You let him go for a reason. Trust that reason. It's normal and fine to analyze everything that happened and to think it might be different. But, from everything you've said, it's still too soon. If it is meant to be, it will still be meant to be down the road when there has been enough time and distance. He'll have shown he's different repeatedly, in words and actions. If you still have doubts about him, then it's not time for anything more. If it ever is time, you won't be having all these doubts, you will know.

Also, he did do you wrong. He may have mental issues that are partly responsible, but he still hurt you. There should be some degree of responsibility there. 

Hope you're doing well with getting the exhibit ready.

[MissCanuck]

I would not go there. 

He is not a well person and hasn't been for a long time, as evidenced by the chaos in his life. It's not only the last few months that he's had problems. It is obvious the instability stretches much deeper than that.

It would be unwise to let him back in, because it's highly likely to end the same way. You could maybe be friends one day, but not now, and not as a couple. 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well, Idk.  To me the present interaction is just as layered as anything else.  There is 5 years of friendship here, plus a year as a couple.  There's history there no matter how things ends, etc.  To me that's a big part of what makes it layered. 

I respect your opinion! I was talking about the choice of reaction.  And to choose not to use "layered" and "complex" as an excuse or justification to act in an unhealthy way - for example as Canuck wrote.

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I was just thinking about that quote before I read this. Are you reading my mind? 😉

You let him go for a reason. Trust that reason. It's normal and fine to analyze everything that happened and to think it might be different. But, from everything you've said, it's still too soon. If it is meant to be, it will still be meant to be down the road when there has been enough time and distance. He'll have shown he's different repeatedly, in words and actions. If you still have doubts about him, then it's not time for anything more. If it ever is time, you won't be having all these doubts, you will know.

Also, he did do you wrong. He may have mental issues that are partly responsible, but he still hurt you. There should be some degree of responsibility there. 

Hope you're doing well with getting the exhibit ready.

Yea I mean, just because you let someone go and they come back doesn't mean it's going to be a fairy tale.  My first serious boyfriend that I dated in high school kept coming back around after I ended it.  He couldn't take a hint and I ended up having to file a no contact order against him and three separate police departments were involved in this.  I say three because I lived in one city, worked in another city, and went to college in another city.  And he was stalking and harassing me at all three places.  And after the no contact order he continued to harass me online.  I got hangup calls for a year.  And he was actually trying to hire someone to kill me.  And when he couldn't find a hitman, he tried to get people he knew to beat me up, etc.  So, yea, I let him go.  He came back.  But it sure as hell wasn't "meant to be."  Just looking back on that whole experience and typing about it makes me anxious.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  And people always joke around like, "Oh yea, my crazy ex is stalking me, tehehe."  As someone who is an actual survivor of stalking, I never joke about it.  I mean, he was calling the girlfriends of some of my guy friends and telling them I was sleeping with their men (I wasn't, it was all to start drama.) He knew my boss smoked weed, he threatened to get my boss busted.  Dude was going after me and everyone I know that he could think of. 

And yes, he (recent ex) did do me wrong.  I think there are varying degrees to doing someone wrong, though.  Not making excuses for him.  But, like, someone who cheats because they are lonely and their SO never spends time with them or shows any affection is different than someone who cheats just because they get off on getting one over on their partner and think it's funny, etc.  Both are doing wrong, but I think one is worse.  He didn't cheat.  I'm just using that as an example. 

That doesn't mean I don't think the same thing would happen if we were back together, though.  He says his meds are all straightened out and he's made all these improvements.  But anyone can say anything over text. I haven't seen any of the changes in action.  He did tell me he has been exploring Buddhism.  Which that impressed me.  I've studied Buddhism a lot and I've been meditating since I was a teenager.  I don't know anyone who's life/attitude wasn't improved by meditation and pursuing some higher level of existence.  But once again, I haven't actually seen this.  I could say I run five miles a day.  I don't, but anyone can say anything.  He can say he's been meditating and reading about Buddhism and stuff, but I don't know that for sure. 

I do know that he is drawing and painting again.  That makes me really happy.  Because he stopped for a long time when his depression got really bad.

But anyway, I have no way of trusting that it would all happen again if we got back together now.  And nothing is ever going to be like it was before.  I would always have it in the back of my mind that he could snap again.  I don't want to be living in fear of that. 

But, if a year or so goes by and I actually see changes, maybe then I would consider it.  I mean, this was the best relationship I've ever been in.  And even when we were just friends, he was one of the most loyal people I've ever met.  I have a really weird sense of humor that offends a lot of people.  He has the same sense of humor as I do. We are both really creative.  Two creative people together will either be amazing or it will be a dumpster fire.  With him it was amazing. He was the only partner I've ever had who actually made me feel like I was enough.  He never wanted me to change for him.  We never ran out of things to say to each other.  There's just so much I miss. 

As far as my exhibition, it's all coming together.  Got all the paintings and some of my ink drawings ready to go.  I just need to finish writing artist statements. And install all the hanging hardware. 

Thanks for replying.  Have a good day. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I respect your opinion! I was talking about the choice of reaction.  And to choose not to use "layered" and "complex" as an excuse or justification to act in an unhealthy way - for example as Canuck wrote.

Yea that makes sense.  I

[Lambert]

I think that quote about "if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours forever"

Is at best a romantic way of justifying a toxic on and off relationship.

You have to look at things more logically. 

Are you in high school and immature? then sure a break up and make up might happen.

Are you in college and sowing your oats and bad decisions might happen.

Are you a grown adult trying to find a life partner with a person that is putting in the same?  it is more of a sign of incompatibility 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

I think that quote about "if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours forever"

Is at best a romantic way of justifying a toxic on and off relationship.

You have to look at things more logically. 

Are you in high school and immature? then sure a break up and make up might happen.

Are you in college and sowing your oats and bad decisions might happen.

Are you a grown adult trying to find a life partner with a person that is putting in the same?  it is more of a sign of incompatibility 

 

I saw "come back" not what he did -come back in a healthy, committed way - not just texting or contacting. He didn't come back in that sense at all.  And they really haven't set each other free for any real period of time.

[TheCrow]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I saw "come back" not what he did -come back in a healthy, committed way - not just texting or contacting. He didn't come back in that sense at all.  And they really haven't set each other free for any real period of time.

He does want to be back  into Cynder's ife to some extent at least - he's made this very clear.  He's not being pushy either, I don't think. 

It's up to her what she chooses to do. Be casual friends. Fellow vendors at festivals.  Or potentially, should things really change with him, partners again. 

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, TheCrow said:

He does want to be back  into Cynder's ife to some extent at least - he's made this very clear.  He's not being pushy either, I don't think. 

It's up to her what she chooses to do. Be casual friends. Fellow vendors at festivals.  Or potentially, should things really change with him, partners again. 

Yes. I agree. Yes I agree and wrote above it’s up to her. She asked for input. I gave input. It’s up to her. I don’t agree he wants to be in a serious relationship with her as a reasonably healthy and reasonably stable person. From my perspective and what she’s written and described this is not the case and I agree with the others who’ve made similar comments. Thanks again for replying to my comments on this and the other posts. You write well and have interesting perspectives and insights. 

[catfeeder]

Cynder, you've recently written elsewhere about the active versus the passive voice and how important that is. So the question becomes, has D ever said straight out said, "I know that you never did what I accused you of doing, and I'm clear that I made a huge mistake, and I'm sorry..."?

I mean, you posted all his wispy stuff about the universe and all that crap, but has he ever taken full responsibility for what he did to you, and has he ever acknowledged how deliberately wrong HE was? Have you ever had a direct discussion about WHY he did what he did?

It makes no sense to walk on eggshells 'around' the guy, even while you enable him to inch his way into your good graces without ever acknowledging exactly what he did wrong or explaining himself to you. You deserve that from him. I'd tell him that I can't trust him until he does that. Period.

[Jaunty]

From what you've written I believe it would take quite a lot of time and consistency in behavior for this person to prove themselves trustworthy to be close to in any way.

I wonder if he has had such chaotic explosions of destructive behavior at other times in his life?   He decimated several relationships along with his with you.  

I'm happy that he's working on getting himself back on track and taking his meds.   

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

From what you've written I believe it would take quite a lot of time and consistency in behavior for this person to prove themselves trustworthy to be close to in any way.

I wonder if he has had such chaotic explosions of destructive behavior at other times in his life?   He decimated several relationships along with his with you.  

I'm happy that he's working on getting himself back on track and taking his meds.   

I've known him since 2017 and I've never seen him do this before.  But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  He is a former heroin addict, so I'm sure back when he was using he probably pushed a lot of people away.  He's been clean over a decade, before people start assuming I dated someone who was actively using. 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Cynder, you've recently written elsewhere about the active versus the passive voice and how important that is. So the question becomes, has D ever said straight out said, "I know that you never did what I accused you of doing, and I'm clear that I made a huge mistake, and I'm sorry..."?

I mean, you posted all his wispy stuff about the universe and all that crap, but has he ever taken full responsibility for what he did to you, and has he ever acknowledged how deliberately wrong HE was? Have you ever had a direct discussion about WHY he did what he did?

It makes no sense to walk on eggshells 'around' the guy, even while you enable him to inch his way into your good graces without ever acknowledging exactly what he did wrong or explaining himself to you. You deserve that from him. I'd tell him that I can't trust him until he does that. Period.

He said some of those things last week when we talked about his sister.  The accusations haven't come up yet.  I think that's something we're both afraid to talk about, honestly.  Last week when he started telling me why he no longer speaks to his sister, I actually put a stop to it at first.  I said I don't want to talk about her because I was in a decent mood at the time and didn't want to bring up all that negativity.  But it went there anyway.  Not because he pushed.  It's hard to explain.  It was basically, "Hey, I want to fill you in on why I don't talk to her anymore."  "Well I don't want to hear about that.  I'm in a good mood and don't want to talk about her.  It will put me in a bad mood."  "Ok, We can talk about her some other time.  I just thought you might want to know what happened. I lost a lot because of her."  "Yea well, I think she had a big role in us breaking up."  "Well she also caused me to lose my job."  "How did that happened..."  So, it's not that either of us pushed.  It just went there anyway. 

He was really apologetic through that whole conversation.  I really laid into him, too.  I told him all the times she caused issues between us and all the times he put his obligations with other people on hold because of her.  He said he was sorry probably a dozen times during that whole conversation.  The one thing that really got me was when I talked about the whole book cover incident.  I told him I felt really hurt that she wrote this whole book about his life, put herself, her ex husband, her friends and her daughter in it, and never even mentioned me or his son, in a supposed biography about him.  And then I get asked to donate the cover art, and he didn't even like it.  He swears he never said he didn't like it and that was just her lying to cause problems.  And that might be true.  I never actually heard him say it or saw any messaged from him saying it.  But then he said, "I never even read the book."  I don't know why but him saying that really made me emotional.  I can't even explain the reason.  I just cried hard when he told me he never even read it. 

But I avoided bringing up the accusations.  I am afraid to bring that up.  I can't even explain why.  I know it might seem dramatic but I think that whole thing traumatized me a little bit.  I had literal nightmares about that situation for weeks after it happened.  The idea of talking about it makes me scared and anxious.  And I think he might be not bringing it up because he probably has a lot of guilt and shame over the whole thing.  He was on a combo of meds that is known to cause psychotic episodes.  And I'm not doctor but I really wonder if that's what was happening that night.  We worked all day together at a festival, and everything was fine.  Then all of a sudden I'm on my way home with my employee and he starts sending me these texts about his niece being at my house and my brother taking her in the middle of the night, etc. 

There's more I could say but I have to leave for therapy. 

[jul-els]

Maintain your boundaries. Whatever he needs, thinks or feels is beside the point. This relationship isn’t healthy for you. Your wellbeing is your first and foremost priority. Let him sort out his problems on his own. You can’t fix him. It’s something he has to do for himself and you should move on. I know it’s painful, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. 

[catfeeder]

40 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I avoided bringing up the accusations.  I am afraid to bring that up.  I can't even explain why.  I know it might seem dramatic but I think that whole thing traumatized me a little bit.  I had literal nightmares about that situation for weeks after it happened.

I hear. To avoid the same kind of imbalance that had you walking on eggshells around D last round, only to put your own stomach in knots, and then, only to learn that this didn't serve you at all, I would approach him with the perfectly reasonable fact that you don't want to go to that place again. And so, you want to raise the pivotal thing that caused your breakup, and you want to learn where he stands on it.

It would even be reasonable to raise the trauma and nightmares you've mentioned above. 

The point is to move yourself beyond the eggshell walk and advance your SELF beyond the squelching you imposed on yourself in order to cater to D's fragility. Screw that! He's asking you to let him back into your life. Don't do it on the old terms--they did not serve you then, and it would be doubly sad for you to impose those on yourself now. You deserve more. Insist on it, or tell him you need to revisit him once you're ready to revisit that.

Head high.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Don't do it on the old terms--they did not serve you then, and it would be doubly sad for you to impose those on yourself now. You deserve more. Insist on it, or tell him you need to revisit him once you're ready to revisit that.

Exactly. As much as you are concerned for him, ultimately this is about you. This is about your healing and well being. Any interactions need to be on your terms, if at all. Don't put yourself in a position to be that vulnerable again.

It all sounds tramatic, so it makes sense you don't want to talk about it, especially with him. You still need the time to deal with it internally. Take all the time you need. After you've truly worked through your feelings and are okay, maybe then you can confront him. And if he truly works through his issues, maybe he can admit his fault in it. But that's still in the future. For now, focus on you. 

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, Cynder said:

But anyway, I have no way of trusting that it would all happen again if we got back together now.  And nothing is ever going to be like it was before.  I would always have it in the back of my mind that he could snap again.  I don't want to be living in fear of that. 

The trust is the hardest part. There's always some part of you waiting for things to go wrong again. If they could hurt you like that before, why couldn't it happen again? And given everything else you've experienced, it must seem like that's all relationships are, just waiting to be hurt. You are right, livng with that fear is no way to live. So stay strong and keep pushing forward. You can still appreciate the good qualities about him and what you did have, while keeping a distance and not putting yourself at risk. In a year, who knows what will happen?

14 hours ago, Cynder said:

I think there are varying degrees to doing someone wrong, though.  Not making excuses for him.  But, like, someone who cheats because they are lonely and their SO never spends time with them or shows any affection is different than someone who cheats just because they get off on getting one over on their partner and think it's funny, etc.

You're right, there are varying degrees. I basically witnessed that example. And I had much more sympathy for the one who, if not physically cheated, did so emotionally because they were trying to fill the empty spot their partner wasn't filling. She could have handled things better, but her actions could be understood. Sometimes the what happened isn't as important as the why it happened, provided no one is being harmed of course.

12 hours ago, Lambert said:

I think that quote about "if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours forever" Is at best a romantic way of justifying a toxic on and off relationship.

It's possible two people split apart then come back together. My father remarried with someone who he used to be with decades prior. One of my best friends in high school/college, his parents went years without seeing each other before they finally got together. So there can be some romantic truth to the saying. But yes, all to often it is used to justify toxic relationships. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

I've known him since 2017 and I've never seen him do this before.  But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  He is a former heroin addict, so I'm sure back when he was using he probably pushed a lot of people away.  He's been clean over a decade, before people start assuming I dated someone who was actively using. 

Sadly, this reminds me of my ex's daughter 😞 . She's become a sad mess over the years and ended up being put away a few times and losing her kids to her ex, due to her behaviour and psychotic-like behaviour.

She ended up back in town, recently and tried to get to talking with her father again and he's refused ( kind of like how you explained your ex losing the support of his 'mother-like' person).  They come to realize that person is nothing but a negative in their life, causing way too many issue's.

I guess, what I am saying here, is to look at his past, the issue's that have occured and could very well repeat, throughout his life.

Fine, if he's got it together now.  But, he could easily falter again 6 mos down the road.. and again, 2 yrs from now.  It could end up becoming a real 'struggle' for him to keep straight & sober.  And this is NOT something you want to have to experience 😕 .

 

 

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

It all sounds traumatic, so it makes sense you don't want to talk about it, especially with him. You still need the time to deal with it internally. Take all the time you need. After you've truly worked through your feelings and are okay, maybe then you can confront him. And if he truly works through his issues, maybe he can admit his fault in it. But that's still in the future. For now, focus on you. 

I agree with this.

You NEED some serious 'down time'.  Time to work on your own self & emotions with all you've been through as well.  What you don't need is a mentally unstable partner.

I get it, you still have feelings for him, of course.  It's only been a few mos, since the BU.

So, as mentioned, if anything, have 'limited' amt of comtact.  Every day or half a dozen times a day isn;t necessary, as you two are no longer involved.

He NEEDS to focus more on his own self - maybe even getting himself in for some prof help as well. I found therapy helpful in dealing with all that was going on with me and helping me 'work through it all'. And I knew, in no way was I okay to be getting involved again.... ( am presently single for over 5 yrs now and am fine with that 🙂 .  I know I can't do it, as It's mentally & emotionally draining. Plus, if ya don't get involved, ya won't get hurt).

 

Anyways, please give this all some time.  Give yourself time and go with 'No Expectations', with this guy.

I do feel you're already at that point & guarding your heart, good on you!  See how things are a year + from now.  See IF he's 'able' to keep it together and prove he is actually stable enough & remain on his meds, getting his life together, finally.

 

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Exactly. As much as you are concerned for him, ultimately this is about you. This is about your healing and well being. Any interactions need to be on your terms, if at all. Don't put yourself in a position to be that vulnerable again.

It all sounds tramatic, so it makes sense you don't want to talk about it, especially with him. You still need the time to deal with it internally. Take all the time you need. After you've truly worked through your feelings and are okay, maybe then you can confront him. And if he truly works through his issues, maybe he can admit his fault in it. But that's still in the future. For now, focus on you. 

I have been keeping everything on my terms.  After the conversation we had about his sister I didn't text him for over a week.  And his next message to me was "Hey, you got me drawing again.  I really hope I didn't do anything wrong." 

He has asked to call me.  I've told him no because I'm not comfortable with that.  I still have him blocked on all social media.  He has said he wants us to talk face to face, which I'm definitely not ready for.  I do give him credit for not pushing on my boundaries.  If I say no, he drops it. 

As far as the trauma of being accused...  This isn't an excuse or an attempt to downplay it.  But I wonder how much of that trauma actually comes from that incident and how much is left over from childhood.  Because I had really similar things happen to me as a kid.  One time my Mom completely flipped crap on me at a party on me at a party in front of like 20 people because she was convinced I drank a whole bottle of Schnapps.  I was 16 at the time, and walking around completely coherent and sober.  There were two bottles, an almost empty bottle and a brand new bottle.  She saw the almost empty bottle and her mind just automatically went there.  Because if anything ever went wrong in my house it was 100% my fault, no matter what.  So everyone is laughing and having a good time at this party and all of a sudden my Mom is screaming at me and pulling my hair, calling me every name in the book, making this huge scene because she thinks I drank all the schnapps.  I didn't drink any of it.  Then someone pointed out the other bottle and she didn't apologize or anything.  She just looked at the bottle and said, "Oh."  And everyone who was there tried to get back to what they were doing but it was really awkward and uncomfortable for people.  

It wasn't always this dramatic and embarrassing, but I got accused of really out there things a lot growing up. And no matter what I said, I was guilty.  

So, the point of all that wasn't to throw myself a pity party.  But I do wonder if any traumatic issues came just from him accusing me of that, or if it triggered something that was already there.  Probably a little of both.  Because I actually did have bad dreams about him accusing me of being part of this whole plot to take his niece and hide her at my house for a few weeks after.  When I was talking about it in my therapists office a few days after, she even commented on how my body language changed as soon as I started telling her the story.  I went from being relaxed to having the body language of someone who is terrified. 

And I won't even get into the OCD thoughts this caused.  I am diagnosed with OCD.  I'm not one of those people who says, "OMG! I'm SO OCD because I like my cups stacked a certain way! I'm such a unique snowflake!"  I actually am clinically diagnosed and I've been treated off and on for it throughout my adult life. 

I am pretty much operating under the assumption that things are never going to go further than they are right now.  Yea, if I can work through all my crap, and he can work through all his crap, we might have a chance.  But by the time it takes us both to work through all that, we will probably have drifted apart and not even be thinking about each other.

[Cynder]

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sadly, this reminds me of my ex's daughter 😞 . She's become a sad mess over the years and ended up being put away a few times and losing her kids to her ex, due to her behaviour and psychotic-like behaviour.

She ended up back in town, recently and tried to get to talking with her father again and he's refused ( kind of like how you explained your ex losing the support of his 'mother-like' person).  They come to realize that person is nothing but a negative in their life, causing way too many issue's.

I guess, what I am saying here, is to look at his past, the issue's that have occured and could very well repeat, throughout his life.

Fine, if he's got it together now.  But, he could easily falter again 6 mos down the road.. and again, 2 yrs from now.  It could end up becoming a real 'struggle' for him to keep straight & sober.  And this is NOT something you want to have to experience 😕 .

 

 

I agree with this.

You NEED some serious 'down time'.  Time to work on your own self & emotions with all you've been through as well.  What you don't need is a mentally unstable partner.

I get it, you still have feelings for him, of course.  It's only been a few mos, since the BU.

So, as mentioned, if anything, have 'limited' amt of comtact.  Every day or half a dozen times a day isn;t necessary, as you two are no longer involved.

He NEEDS to focus more on his own self - maybe even getting himself in for some prof help as well. I found therapy helpful in dealing with all that was going on with me and helping me 'work through it all'. And I knew, in no way was I okay to be getting involved again.... ( am presently single for over 5 yrs now and am fine with that 🙂 .  I know I can't do it, as It's mentally & emotionally draining. Plus, if ya don't get involved, ya won't get hurt).

 

Anyways, please give this all some time.  Give yourself time and go with 'No Expectations', with this guy.

I do feel you're already at that point & guarding your heart, good on you!  See how things are a year + from now.  See IF he's 'able' to keep it together and prove he is actually stable enough & remain on his meds, getting his life together, finally.

 

I honestly wish someone would put him away.  I know that sounds awful.  But I really wish he would spend some time in the psych ward.  I think it would help him.  And I told him that when we were together, too.  He told me more doctors and more drugs aren't going to do anything.  Well, I don't mean more drugs.  I mean the right drugs.  In a place like that he could actually be evaluated.  And on top of his meds for mental health he is also pre-diabetic and he takes testosterone.  Blood sugar can really mess with a person mentally.  And he eats garbage.  He lives on fast food and mountain dew.  So much could change if he took better care of himself. 

Just so everyone is clear, he didn't relapse.  Staying sober isn't an issue for him. 

But, I have thought about how hard this would be to go through a second time.  I have a l;ot of anger about this situation.  And it's not even at him.  I have been hurt and stabbed in the back by most of the people I've gotten close to.  I couldn't even trust my parents growing up.  A lot of my friends have stabbed me in the back.  I've been cheated on a lot (cheated on with friends, even, more than once.)  I know I can't really count on anyone but myself.  I have hardly any faith left in humanity.  I'm also a sexual assault survivor, and it went on for years and the guy responsible got away with it because no one believed me. 

The first part of my relationship with him was literally the happiest time of my life.  I felt like maybe I found someone I could count on.  I had a connection with him that I've never had with anyone else.  And so here I was absolutely loving life, and loving him, and loving his son, etc.  And then all this crap had to happen.  And that's what I'm angry about.  Like after everything, why did that have to happen to me?  Couldn't I just have this one thing?  I know I sound dramatic and like I'm wallowing in self pity.  But that is really how I feel.  After all the crap, I thought I was actually going to have some good times. 

But I've also had a NDE.  And I know everything happens because it's supposed to happen.  He has also had a NDE, it's one of the things we bonded over when we first became friends.  And we talked about this a little bit.  I told him that I'm angry about the way this all panned out.  And that no good came from it.  He suffered.  I suffered.  His son suffered.  his Mom suffered.  What is the cosmic lesson here?  He says the Universe tore us apart so it could bring us back together again.  Idk man...  Maybe in another life, lol. 

I don't plan on getting involved with anyone.  I am good with being single until I die at this point.  Because feelings equal hurt feelings.  I do think he is the only person I would risk another relationship with, though.  If he can prove to me that he is more stable, etc. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, sounds like you are just pretty frustrated over all the crap YOU have had to endure thru your life 😞 .

Did you mention if you've also been in therapy?  I feel this could help you along as well. As it seems you're still struggling with your own past and still seem to be holding onto some negative vibes and after effects of it all....

I agree with them putting people like this away for a while to monitor them.  Get them on the 'right track' and then help them get situated again.  Many people in this situation could benefit from that! Has this bene discussed or looked into?

As for his diet.. I don't know?  it may be more something HE needs to address on his own.  I've had to adjust mine as my cholesterol was on the high side.  I've gone now almost 2 yrs, not eating beef or pork and more salads, chicken & fish. With the occasional treats 😉 .  Moderation is the key.  But, his diet reminds me of my first ex's best friend.  The guy would wake up & go out to grab a coke & cookies. ( while we all got up & made a coffee, to start our day).  I also have a friend ( on the heavy side), who drinks pop all the time, while his gf likes her coffee.

We all have have some challenges, whether it's re: our diet.. our mentality,, whatever.

So, give it all time. See IF he does manage to change for the better.. But remember, the key word 'Time'. Time is what is needed here.  To see if things will improve with him or not.

You are not his mother or his doctor, but you were his partner.  Yes, he is challenged at this time and I feel in ways, so are you.  You cannot take his problems away & make him better, that's on him.  As it is for you re: your own past experiences. ( 2 wrongs won't make it right) 😉 .

So, for now, try & focus on your own self. Especially while you two are not involved at all.  I feel, in time, you'll know if it's salvageable or not.