I woke up to this text earlier, things I want to say, but haven't replied...

[itsallgrand]

Those issues you wrote about before, has anything changed? Has he taken full accountability yet? Have you two had that convo about what you expect from him if he's going to be in your life? 

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Those issues you wrote about before, has anything changed? Has he taken full accountability yet? Have you two had that convo about what you expect from him if he's going to be in your life? 

 

He says his meds are straightened out now.  Because aside from his sister, a change in meds played a part in this too.  But he could say anything.  He also didn't think there was anything wrong when he was on the problematic meds.  So it's easy for him to say everything is fine with the meds.  He isn't observing himself through others' eyes.  The only thing thay can convince me that his meds are helping now is time.  And enough time hasn't passed.  

The conversation that needs to happen hasn't happened yet.  But that is 100% on me.  I know that's my issue to work on.  I'm the one hiding from it.  He has tried and I keep shutting it down.  Expectations can cause problems in relationships, even platonic ones.  And I am not even 100% sure what I expect from him because I don't know what he can give.  He struggles a lot with his mental health.  Not like that's an excuse, but I can't expect perfectly well-adjusted healthy behavior from someone who isn't healthy.  Like with me having OCD, if one of my friends expected me to never show symptoms and they refused to be friends with me if I did, then I guess I couldn't be friends with that person. I can keep myself in check about 98% of the time, but there's that other 2% where I can't.

Wow, let's see how many times I can use a % in one post, lol.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

The human experience comment was in response to someone saying I'm just as much to blame here.  I don't see blame as a factor.  Two people broke up and then started talking again four months later... something that happens all the time.  So why is blame being discussed?  Yes, we both made the choice to start talking again.  But I don't see it as both of us  being to blame for anything.  Blame is to assign responsibility for a fault or wrongdoing.  I don't think either of us have done anything wrong in this situation.  So there's no blame.  Just my opinion. 

It's not about blame but rather the situation that transpired had to do with your choices in large part and his choices in large part. Both of you got hurt - and part of the reason is the choice to continue interacting as you did despite all the flags and warning signs.  For me anyway "blame" isn't the right descriptor -I didn't write that.  I think you are risking way too much hurt by continuing to interact with him balanced against minimal to no benefit and I totally defer to your judgment.

Also friends don't typically express romantic feelings so this is not just friendly "talking"

[itsallgrand]

I think of expectations like boundaries. And it doesn't sound like much has changed. He's still throwing out words without the actions to back them. I wouldn't expect any different from what you got before with him in this situation. It's a ticking time bomb imo until he acts out again. 

[itsallgrand]

Thanks mylolita and Batya. I try to count my blessings but tonight I am exhausted and a long day tomorrow and that's when I find myself really having a hard time shutting my mouth about this. 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Thanks mylolita and Batya. I try to count my blessings but tonight I am exhausted and a long day tomorrow and that's when I find myself really having a hard time shutting my mouth about this. 

Did you mean to post this in your journal?

[itsallgrand]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Did you mean to post this in your journal?

Yes! What the heck! So sorry 

[ShySoul]

20 hours ago, Cynder said:

The conversation that needs to happen hasn't happened yet.  But that is 100% on me.  I know that's my issue to work on.  I'm the one hiding from it.  He has tried and I keep shutting it down.  Expectations can cause problems in relationships, even platonic ones.  And I am not even 100% sure what I expect from him because I don't know what he can give.

If things are going to really change and get better, both sides need to be 100% ready. You can't control his side. So focus on your side. If you aren't ready or clear on what you want, don't breech the topic. It's not being weak, it's taking the time you need to work things out within you. It would be far worse to bring it up before you are ready and then something happens to break the delicate peace you've seemed to find. You seem to be doing well right now, even if the situation will, of course, play in your mind. So keep up focusing on you. You know your limits, stick to them. When you're ready to say more to him, you'll know.

Hope the art/writing is going well too.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

If things are going to really change and get better, both sides need to be 100% ready. You can't control his side. So focus on your side. If you aren't ready or clear on what you want, don't breech the topic. It's not being weak, it's taking the time you need to work things out within you. It would be far worse to bring it up before you are ready and then something happens to break the delicate peace you've seemed to find. You seem to be doing well right now, even if the situation will, of course, play in your mind. So keep up focusing on you. You know your limits, stick to them. When you're ready to say more to him, you'll know.

Hope the art/writing is going well too.

Exactly.  Nothing is going to come of it if we aren't both ready to talk about it.  And as of now, things are fine between him and I.  The times he has tried to bring it up, I have told him we'll talk about that when the time is right, but I can't right now.  He hasn't pushed it. 

People here are calling him weak because he called himself a coward.  I don't consider that weak.  He is one of the most self aware people I've ever met.  Most recovered addicts are very self aware.  It's something that comes with the territory.  They have to be aware of the destruction they are causing to want to get clean in the first place.  And then while going through recovery they have to do all this reflection on all the time they hurt people, etc.  If he is a coward, at least he was strong enough to own being a coward. 

Art and writing are going great.  Tonight is literally the last night of the off season.  I need to be up and on the road by 6AM tomorrow.  The off season flew by this year.  Everything is all loaded up (had to load up in the rain, that's always fun, lol.)  But tomorrow is the day. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

People here are calling him weak because he called himself a coward. 

I called him weak because he called himself a coward (for running away) and because without more context and being inside the "relationship" itself (like you are), I didn't and don't have all the information.

I was simply going on your posts and the texts from him you uploaded that at first blush appeared to be manipulative and weak.

But I am going to leave you to figure this out @Cynder, it all sounds very complex and something that I don't think can be accurately articulated on a message forum for anyone to get a full understanding of.  Too many complexities.

I hope you soon find the courage to speak with him (or the right time or whatever it is that is preventing you from talking with him) and I truly do hope it works out for you, for the both of you.

Be happy!!!🙂