I (tried to) confront my mother about her abusive comments

[anbesivam]

After the responses on my first post (previous post) I decided to sort of bring up the things she's said. Not even directly, I just asked my brother what's the most hurtful thing she's said to him while she was in the room. He's quite young and doesn't really understand the nuances just yet, so he said he can't think of anything [even though she's told HIM multiple times that she wishes he wasn't born either]. I didn't want to complicate things for him so when he asked me about mine, I said there's nothing too. 

 

My mom later confronted me about this, and said that I only remember the bad and forget all the good things she's done for me (which is incredibly untrue) which is exactly why I thought she was justified in her thinking all these years. I didn't really pursue the thought further, but now she's back to her "happy" phase, and I just don't understand how she can start joking around and playfighting like we didn't just have that conversation yesterday.

I'm tired of all these sudden jumps from nothing to everything, and I'm tired of playing along. It feels ingenuine.

I guess the question here is- how do I act around my mother now? It feels like I've stumbled upon a separation that will never be overcome. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, anbesivam said:

 I just asked my brother what's the most hurtful thing she's said to him while she was in the room. He's quite young and doesn't really understand the nuances just yet, so he said he can't think of anything .My mom later confronted me 

Please don't enlist your younger brother in this. You were given excellent advice on your other thread to reach out to trusted adults. Please understand you're not going to fix or change your mother by using your younger brother as a pawn and trying to make a point about her obliquely. 

[Batya33]

I would keep boundaries and distance.  I'd leave your brother out of it unless he comes to you.  My mother for example has a very different memory and perspective on how I felt when I was a teenager and my older sister had a whirlwind romance and got married. 

How in the next 10 years they had children while I struggled to find the right person.  I was IMO made to feel less than because I wasn't married/engaged, criticized for what I said I wanted -to be sure- that's how I saw it. I felt ignored whenever my sister needed something -her needs as a mother trumped mine as a young 20-something living at home.  Again I'm not perfect -but this is how I felt.  My mother will never see it that way. She thinks she showed how proud she was of my career/educational accomplishments. 

My dad did show this and I saw the difference.  Who's right? Who knows - in my case it wasn't abusive at all -not even close.  My mom and I remained and are so close.  I learned how to forgive her because -again -it wasn't abuse - also different generation with different aspirations for women back then (I am 57). 

In your case yes distance and boundaries and I'd stop confronting your mother and instead work on it in counseling or read self help books. I recommend the philosopher Alain De Botton for a different take and also Esther Perel's podcast -look for episodes that might resonate with you.  Good luck!

[boltnrun]

As the others said, leave your poor, innocent brother out of your conflict with your mother. I don't recall anyone advising you to do so in your previous thread. In fact, I don't recall anyone advising you to "confront" your mother either. 

I'm sorry she says hurtful things. But the best way to deal with it is to not react and simply leave the room. And try to plan for when you can move out on your own. 

[Seraphim]

Don’t set up a kid for further emotional pounding . He is too young to defend himself . 

[anbesivam]

On 1/15/2024 at 6:28 PM, Wiseman2 said:

using your younger brother as a pawn

Wasn't my intention, honest mistake; won't repeat it

[anbesivam]

If anyone here is a moderator, please delete this thread/topic asap. My mom's going through my laptop

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, anbesivam said:

If anyone here is a moderator, please delete this thread/topic asap. My mom's going through my laptop

Change your password and hide the thread 

[catfeeder]

It was manipulative of you to put your brother on the spot, and it backfired. Plus, ‘confront’ is a very strong word, and it’s never advisable unless and until you have acquired the safety and comfort of somewhere else to go. Even then, the fact that you’ve moved on renders a confrontation unnecessary.

One who refuses to take your feelings and perceptions into account is not likely to respond to a confrontation the way you’d wish. It’s helpful to recognize that up front rather than attempt to shoot for a fantasy outcome.

My heart goes out to you. Consider working through your feelings with a professional who is trained in this stuff. Your feelings and perceptions are perfectly valid, but this doesn’t mean that you will necessarily get the kind of outcome you want.

Someone on this forum, I think it’s @boltnrun, has referred to a quote to the effect of, “Never look to the source of your pain as the cure for your pain.”

[SooSad33]

Not sure your age?  But, for your mother to be going thru your laptop - is a No No.  She is lacking respect & is a show of control.

If she is controlling & abusive, you have the right to seek prof help or even reach out to other adults, as apparently mentioned, yesterday..?

Sounds like you're struggling now & have had enough..

Fact is, often a struggling parent / abusive parent have their own demons to deal with and can often reflect if off their kids 😞 .  I have a neighbour like this.. and a sister.. and a Sis in law.  

Your mother may deny your accusations and brush it off.  This is just how she is - and may always deny any wrong doings.  In the end, it'd be up to YOU on your own choices on how you are gonna deal with it all. Eg, move away & avoid her.. Seek prof help to work through the after effects of growing up with this, etc.

I hope, in time, you can feel okay again & be safe. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'll chime in with others regarding not including your brother when it comes to your relationship with your mother. 

Your mother sounds like a narcissist which is more prevalent than most of us realize.  She gave you a gaslighting comment with "you only remember the bad and not the good."  I've heard those words before so many times.  It's a way to throw you off track from the original concern of yours and leave you feeling confused as if there is something wrong with you.  It's a very manipulative,  sneaky trick. 

How should you act around your mother now?  Be cool,  well mannered,  polite yet keep a safe,  very cautious distance.  It's what I do and it works.  It's called boundaries and you have every right not to say "yes" to every suggestion.  There is a way to decline nicely.  Keep a wary eye.  Never let your guard down and tread lightly.  Use those survival skills.

[surferchic]

Please try not to burden yourself, trying to change another human being. They may eventually come around. They may not. Neither should control how you feel day in and day out.

I'm wishing you the best outcome for you.

[ShySoul]

Anbesivam, if you read this I hope things are going well for you. 

My parents have also said and done some pretty hurtful things to me. What I had to sort out was that it wasn't my fault and that it really didn't have anything to do with me. Things that happened to them in their past, their own insecurities... those were what caused their behavior. Unfortunately, being the child stuck there with them means we become the first target when they are unable to control themselves. It doesn't mean they don't love us, just that they are so wrapped up in their own personal issues that their love is momentarily secondary to themselves. That also doesn't excuse or justify their acts. They are still responsible for them and are still wrong to say/do them.

I've had to learn the balance between loving them for who they are, while still recognizing their flaws. I've had to give myself room to grow and be the person I am, regardless of what they would say or want. And I've had to recognize that I am not responsible for them. It's noble of you for wanting to make things right with your mom, to understand her and fix your relationship. But, it's not your job. She needs to understand for herself the affect her words have on you and others. She needs to be the one to address her own issues and work to change herself. What you need to do is focus on you and building the life you want for yourself. And if possible, show your brother some love as well.