anbesivam

If anyone here is a moderator, please delete this thread/topic asap. My mom's going through my laptop

If anyone here is a moderator, please delete this thread/topic asap. My mom's going through my laptop

Wasn't my intention, honest mistake; won't repeat it

After the responses on my first post (previous post) I decided to sort of bring up the things she's said. Not even directly, I just asked my brother what's the most hurtful thing she's said to him while she was in the room. He's quite young and doesn't really understand the nuances just yet, so he said he can't think of anything [even though she's told HIM multiple times that she wishes he wasn't born either]. I didn't want to complicate things for him so when he asked me about mine, I said there's nothing too. My mom later confronted me about this, and said that I only remember the bad and forget all the good things she's done for me (which is incredibly untrue) which is exactly why I thought she was justified in her thinking all these years. I didn't really pursue the thought further, but now she's back to her "happy" phase, and I just don't understand how she can start joking around and playfighting like we didn't just have that conversation yesterday. I'm tired of all these sudden jumps from nothing to everything, and I'm tired of playing along. It feels ingenuine. I guess the question here is- how do I act around my mother now? It feels like I've stumbled upon a separation that will never be overcome.

I'm 18, leaving school in a couple of weeks. Uni unconfirmed as of yet. Not sure what I'd say if I were to bring it up.

I just want to help, but it seems like the only person who can help her is herself. Thanks, guys.

There are a couple of reasons for this. 1. I know for a fact that she loves me, and to a degree that seems so intense that I feel like I could never pay her back for it, nor could I compare it to anything else. 2. She's incredibly self sacrificing. She has spent a FORTUNE on me to give me the best opportunities. 3. I am trying to understand the topic from both sides. I am bothered by this, yes, but I did initially wonder (at time of asking) whether I was justified in thinking this way and that perhaps I was wrong to mistake her words. 4. I'm trying to give you all as much information as I can about the other 90% of the time, since that it is the majority and I don't want anyone to be misinformed and jump to conclusions. 5. Perhaps my belief that I am the problem is so deeply ingrained in me that I am just waiting for someone to validate the thing I've believed my entire life. That my mother's perfect and I've ruined everything by being who I am.

It seems as though your friendship is coming to an end. I had a friend once, who was like my brother, the closest in the world it seemed, but now we don't even talk! Such is the absurdity of things. Chances are, she's not feeling it anymore, and unfortunately one-sided friendships don't work. You could, of course, try to fix it, but that's hard to get right and it can certainly be very awkward. I'd advice you to part ways with her, and try to distract yourself instead of focusing on what you have lost. Focus on what lies ahead.

My question is, people aren't perfect so how come we don't know sometimes things are said out of anger and that's that? Maybe they truly do not mean it, or maybe they simply thought it was true in the heat of the moment? I agree the comment is cruel, and it certainly has made me cry thinking about it more than once, but taking other times into account, I don't understand how we can expect someone to be 100% nice all the time.

That's been my thing for years. But she kind of turns it against me sometimes, saying I don't care, calls me emotionless and then says "I wish I could be like that, and just not care". I think I have not been very empathetic in the person, just because I didn't used to be too emotionally intelligent, and also I wouldn't cry for just about anything (she's a lot more emotional, cries quite a bit), but I've changed a lot now and I want to help everyone through tough times and I want to be there for her no matter what, and I want to be the best version of myself. In fact, my username, "anbe sivam", translates to "Love is God". I just don't know how to get her to see that I've changed, that I'm not the quiet, unbothered, unemotional person I once was.

A younger sibling, don't want to get more detailed for privacy reasons

@boltnrun I suppose that are some things she's said to me that I've never forgotten. Strange how the ones who love you the most can also have such an impact.

@Kwothe28 I don't think it's a bad grade thing? Because as I said, I've only been not doing as well the past year. I was consistently one of the high-achieving kids in class. But even then she'd flip out. For instance, the 'dying in the street' comment was said because I didn't air out the laundry when I said I would. I told her 5pm, it was 5 30 and I still hadn't done it and BAM. I don't actually know why she hates me so much. I don't think I'm a terrible person, I've never willingly hurt her, I never talk back when she says things, and I don't get mad. I've made some terrible mistakes in the past as a child but I never repeated them and she has never brought them up. So what could it possibly be?

@Starlight925 I don't see why I have to distance myself when the majority of the time she's really great. And although the things she says are irrational at times, they are never said without reason. Like I failed a test for 3rd time, and that's when she said that I was failing at the one thing I was good at. Objectively speaking, that sort of makes sense? That being said, there are some deeper issues at play, but I'd like to help her solve them and be there for her like she's been there for me all the years (give or take the 1%)

@Wiseman2 I don't know how to help her, it seems like I can't make myself do enough, I'm not sure what to do at all, completely clueless infact

@Seraphim My dad's great, but then again I think a big part of it is that I don't think I have anything to confide about. As I said, there's no "major" complaints. She says these things sometimes but apart from that there's literally nothing. She's more efficient and organized than most mothers, and 80% of the time I can tell she really cares about me, and that I am, in lots of ways, her world. The issue is the stuff she says when she's truly angry, or sad. I understand I am the cause for these problems, but it just feels so irrational and volatile of her, but then again I don't want to condemn her for having emotions and being honest about what she feels.

@Jaunty Dad's been living in a different state for the past year, but I'm the older daughter. I don't think she has bipolar because from the online symptoms, it doesn't seem like she's a fit.

I think she always loves me, but she does also hate me constantly. It's weird because I see certain parts flare up at different times, and I'm not sure on how to deal with this. I've certainly made my share of mistakes, but they were all things like waking up late, failing classes, not excelling at some extracurriculars etc. I've only been doing badly in school the past year and she's told me a couple times that I've now failed at the only thing I was good at. She's also told me a lot of times that she regrets having me, and that her life would be better without me. Also that she threw away her career to raise me. And most notably (got to give her the points on literary skill for this one) she said that "If I were dying of thirst on the road, and I weren't her daughter, she wouldn't even throw me a second glance". [The point being that she only tolerates me because I am her daughter.] To be fair the majority of the time, she's great and supportive and kind, and even when she's mad she still does things for me and cooks me food and looks out for me. I just don't understand how she can be so volatile, and whether it is okay for her to say these things. Is it okay to be offended/hurt by her remarks? Or are they coming from a place of worry, and I should just try harder?