I’m not sure if my marriage is abusive or if I’m just depressed

[bmc2]

I’ve (41 F) been married to my husband (50m) for almost 4 years and we’ve been together for 9.

No kids. 
 

When we met, he weighed around 220 lbs and he is 5’10”. He was very strict about his diet and exercising daily. 
 

Maybe 6 months prior to us getting engaged, he started packing on some weight. I wasn’t too concerned at first because I figured it had to do with job stress. 
 

It was also around this time that I learned he occasionally smoked weed. It didn’t bother me because he’d just smoke a little on either Friday or Saturday nights to unwind. 
 

we essentially got married just a couple of months after getting engaged because it was Covid, etc etc. 

that’s really when everything completely changed. 

His weight has gone from 220 to 385. He smokes weed daily and is spending around $500 a month on it. 
 

I am scared of him. He is joyless, perpetually grumpy and angry or nothing more than an endless machine sitting in the recliner, belching and shoveling food down as fast as he can. 
 

his temper is unpredictable. He’s thrown punches over burning dinner (in the air), screamed on the phone at a DoorDash customer service person calling them a “***” over my shoulder, causing me to shudder all because our order was cancelled, punched his own leg so hard that it left an enormous purple and blue bruise because he was upset at a football game, grunts in anger and sweats and laughs like a sarcastic maniac because he spilled a bottle of water, punches the table, the list goes on.

when I’ve told him his outbursts scare me, he gets mad at me, saying I should know better than to think he would ever hurt me. 

Over Christmas,he got some new gummies that made him hyper and he was behaving like an intense, angry man. 

I was shaking and almost vomited because he was staying up until 4, being aggressive when he wanted me to do something like hand him his water or something (not physically, he was just being insanely pushy), and when I told him he was frightening me and I didn’t like what those gummies did to him he said “fine. Can we move past it?”

we haven’t had sex in 2 years and while that no longer bothers me, when it did, he told me that “there’s other ways for us to be intimate” as if my needs don’t matter. I have no sex life at 41 and that’s unfair to me.

i have begged him to try different diets, exercise with me, go to a psychiatrist and counseling. He won’t. 
 

I’ve asked what he needs from me. He says nothing. 
 

i purchased an expensive new bed that i cant even share with him anymore because he takes it up and is unapologetic about it and refuses to try to change. 
 

his body odor, hygiene, is all terrible and it’s not the man i once knew. He’s stopped brushing his teeth. I can smell his feet all across the room. He peed his pants at work and didn’t bother to come home and change them. He just sat in them all day. he has difficulty walking, going up stairs, he has a chronic cough. 
 

he knows the smoke smell bothers me greatly but he continues then acts like I’m being a jerk when I spray Lysol. 
 

I feel like a failure as a wife. I should be doing more. Or there’s something I’ve missed. I feel selfish for wanting out when he’s at such a low point. But I don’t know what this is. 
 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

Yes, very abusive . Please call a divorce lawyer and tell him NOTHING. Call a DV shelter close to you to make a plan to get out . 

[LootieTootie]

220 for a 5'10 guy is still pretty big but any way I digress. Yes, you are in a highly abusive and dysfunctional relationship. There are services for women in abusive relationships. I would google local domestic abuse shelters and try to get in as soon as possible. Once you go there, they should be able to provide references and other sources for you.

[bmc2]

8 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

220 for a 5'10 guy is still pretty big but any way I digress. Yes, you are in a highly abusive and dysfunctional relationship. There are services for women in abusive relationships. I would google local domestic abuse shelters and try to get in as soon as possible. Once you go there, they should be able to provide references and other sources for you.

Even though he has never put hands on me? 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, bmc2 said:

He smokes weed daily and is spending around $500 a month on it.i am scared of him. He is joyless, perpetually grumpy and angry. His temper is unpredictable. He’s thrown punches over burning dinner (in the air), 

 Sorry this is happening. Do you both work? Is it his place, your place or do you rent? Please confide in trusted friends and family about the abuse. Enlist their support in helping you get away from this. 

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce..

Please read up on abusive relationships. Please reach out to domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help extricating yourself from this. 

There's no point staying in this untenable frighting situation. Please stop trying to fix or change him. 

[bmc2]

17 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, very abusive . Please call a divorce lawyer and tell him NOTHING. Call a DV shelter close to you to make a plan to get out . 

 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening. Do you both work? Is it his place, your place or do you rent? Please confide in trusted friends and family about the abuse. Enlist their support in helping you get away from this. 

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce..

Please read up on abusive relationships. Please reach out to domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help extricating yourself from this. 

There's no point staying in this untenable frighting situation. Please stop trying to fix or change him. 

Thank you. Yes we both work full time but he comes home for 2 hours in the middle of the day while I’m trying to work and always interrupts me as I work from home. 
 

we own; both of our names are on the house but the money for the down payment was mine but that doesn’t matter I guess. 
 

I assure you I’m not as simple as I sound: what about this is abusive? I feel like I’m making myself into a victim just because things are rough with his numerous health issues. 

[Seraphim]

Everything about it is abusive . 

[LootieTootie]

13 minutes ago, bmc2 said:

Even though he has never put hands on me? 

It really depends on your local jurisdiction. I would google local domestic violence shelters and call. My city has a hotline and I believe they do put women in mental health facility for a day or two to figure things out. Emotional/Verbal/Mental abuse is considered domestic violence. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, bmc2 said:

. I’m not sure if my marriage is abusive or if I’m just depressed

Please trust your instincts. He's abusive and you may be depressed as a result or staying because you're depressed. Please consult an attorney privately and confidentiality asap.

In the meantime get your ducks in a row to leave. Get a PO box or have mail forwarded to trusted friends and family including correspondence with an attorney. Place all valuables in a security deposit box. 

Act like everything is normal don't argue fix, change, or nag him about health and weight. He's self-destructive and unfortunately he'll take you down with him if you stay. 

[bmc2]

He soiled the bed last night. The one I paid thousands and thousands of dollars for that I cannot use due to his size, smell and jolting. 
 

it was not just urinating; it was excrement and not easy to clean. He was bleaching everything all morning and then snatched the freshly washed comforter I use on my bed to sleep with before I could get it. 
 

I missed work, I don’t know how I’ll go tomorrow, and I’m angered. 
 

I slept all day because I shut down. I’m thinking of a vacation to get away for awhile. I also am suspecting he knows how badly I am dispising him. 

[Seraphim]

Girl, just leave and call a lawyer. Seriously he is so so so gross. 

[Lambert]

You deserve so much better. This guy's a mess and there's not a lot you can do but leave.

The weight gain - ok we all can fluctuate in mid age.

The other things-  completely unacceptable.

You may not consider this abuse but it is. Not everyone that is abused is hit. 

The total lack of love, respect, care for your needs is more than enough to justify leaving this guy.

$500 a month on weed! holy cow. that's a lot. This guy needs serious help, but he has to do it for himself.  You can't do anything but decide this is completely unacceptable in terms of a marriage and get an attorney.

I'm so sorry.  this is awful.

[mylolita]

This is beyond disgusting OP!

 

There was absolutely no sign of any of this behaviour before you got married? No hints of sarcasm? No bad outbursts? No bad talking others, waiting staff? No negativity or bad hygiene habits? 
 

I can hardly believe someone could take such a 180! 
 

I’m sorry this has happened, and thank goodness you don’t have kids, that’s all I have to say. You need to leave, and leave the bed by the sounds of it. It’s like you’re on a sinking ship for the ride. I’m normally all for working things through, talking it out - but I would only have the discussion with him when there is someone there with you as well, ideally another trusted man, because by the sounds of it he is very violent and volatile and, the way you’re even asking if he would, and is scared of him to the point of shaking, is when you know there is nothing good and it’s probably just a matter of time. No one who is healthy and right for you should be making you feel this way - ever!

 

I would move out when he’s not there, and go from that point towards divorce.

 

People joke and trivialise weed, but it’s a serious drug and often a gateway drug to other things as well. It causes bad mood swings and paranoia, and laziness. I had a friend who spent years smoking it from the moment he woke up and it turned him into such an arse. I feel like this is the start of a bad time for him, and he’s not a poor victim - and I don’t think you need to be along for the ride. It’s very unsafe and miserable.

 

x

[Seraphim]

Sadly ,after my country legalized weed I know several previously productive  people become totally addicted and now have no motivation to go to work ,get dressed or even eat and or look after their kids. 
 

Weed is no joke . 

[itsallgrand]

It honestly sounds like it's more than weed plus some serious mental health issues.

It's not safe to stay OP. 

[mylolita]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Sadly after my country legalized weed I know several previously productive  people become totally addicted and now have no motivation to go to work get dressed or even eat and or look after their kids. 
 

Weed is no joke . 

This is extremely true in my opinion Seraphim. Also the same for people who say, “I only do coke on a weekend” and “these tablets help me focus” etc. people lose control very fast, and it’s no excuse for their bad behaviour either. They destroy everyone else’s lives around them!

 

My husband’s best friend died because he started a journey on drugs that began with weed, ended with him by himself in a hotel room away from his wife and kids over dosing on heroine alone and in debt to drug dealers.

 

x

[Coily]

You are living with an addict. They are unpredictable and temperamental, which leads to abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be exactly what you are going through.

The only things that aren't abuse in my opinion is his weight gain and dealing with customer service. Everything else is a form of control or intimidation, which given his proclivities for drug abuse are unsurprisingly abusive. As there are no kids, you need to seek help to extract yourself from this.

 

[Jaunty]

Yes, obviously from everything you describe he is abusive and your relationship is a textbook abusive relationship.

I would like to know, though, why you're trying to decide "either / or, "abusive / depressed."

What difference does it make?   I'm sure you're depressed  because not only is your husband abusive, your daily life is horrible in every respect.

What is keeping you there?   

Get out.  You can have a lot of good life ahead, but not if you remain tethered to this awful beast.  

[Tinydance]

Well not all abuse is actually physical. A lot of abuse can actually be psychological and your husband is very psychologically abusive. I haven't actually heard of weed causing physical side effects like peeing yourself and pooping your pants. To me it sounds like he either has many other physical health issues, whether caused by his obesity or something else. Or he is so heavily stoned that he's too out of it to realise he needs to go to the toilet and he just goes in his pants. In any case this is really not normal.

If he does have some physical conditions that cause incontinence then he needs to see a doctor and wear incontinence aids. It's completely inappropriate to piss his pants at work and just continue working! In the very least he could have asked for a break and gone to the supermarket to buy some new underwear or something. Even if he has medical incontinence he can't just ignore it and get angry when you suggest he get some help. He has no respect for anyone and most of all himself by being incontinent and doing absolutely nothing about it.

He doesn't sound like just someone who smokes weed but someone who is very mentally and physically unwell. It sounds like his weed use is very heavy and probably starting to cause him a lot of psychological problems. Also weed doesn't actually agree with everyone. For example it makes me feel really anxious and paranoid and moody. That's why I never smoked it hardly at all. If it's having such bad effects on your husband but he continues to smoke it then clearly he I getting worse and worse.

I think there isn't really anything more you can do because you can't control another person. He wants to be thus way so unless he decides to get help then things won't be any different. I would recommend getting a divorce. I mean even though you've been together for nine years but your husband is now a giant sized toddler. He throws tantrums, pees himself, stuffs himself with food. And he doesn't want to change. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, bmc2 said:

He soiled the bed last night. it was not just urinating; it was excrement and not easy to clean. 

Please do whatever you can to begin to extricate yourself from this. Agree that fecal and urinary incontinence is quite concerning. It may seem extreme, but calling EMS would be a good idea if he defecates in  bed since he obviously doesn't take care of himself and seems oblivious. 

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well not all abuse is actually physical. A lot of abuse can actually be psychological and your husband is very psychologically abusive. I haven't actually heard of weed causing physical side effects like peeing yourself and pooping your pants. To me it sounds like he either has many other physical health issues, whether caused by his obesity or something else. Or he is so heavily stoned that he's too out of it to realise he needs to go to the toilet and he just goes in his pants. In any case this is really not normal.

If he does have some physical conditions that cause incontinence then he needs to see a doctor and wear incontinence aids. It's completely inappropriate to piss his pants at work and just continue working! In the very least he could have asked for a break and gone to the supermarket to buy some new underwear or something. Even if he has medical incontinence he can't just ignore it and get angry when you suggest he get some help. He has no respect for anyone and most of all himself by being incontinent and doing absolutely nothing about it.

He doesn't sound like just someone who smokes weed but someone who is very mentally and physically unwell. It sounds like his weed use is very heavy and probably starting to cause him a lot of psychological problems. Also weed doesn't actually agree with everyone. For example it makes me feel really anxious and paranoid and moody. That's why I never smoked it hardly at all. If it's having such bad effects on your husband but he continues to smoke it then clearly he I getting worse and worse.

I think there isn't really anything more you can do because you can't control another person. He wants to be thus way so unless he decides to get help then things won't be any different. I would recommend getting a divorce. I mean even though you've been together for nine years but your husband is now a giant sized toddler. He throws tantrums, pees himself, stuffs himself with food. And he doesn't want to change. 

Yeah, I have never smoked it myself but being beside anyone who does causes me instant migraine and my watch goes off letting me know my heart rate is far too high. So I would never touch it . My heart rate resting is about 73 or so, if I am near pot smoke it hits almost 130 just sitting there. I only hit that high when walking quickly in normal circumstances. 

[bmc2]

I slept for 2 days straight because I’ve massively depressed over all of this and I also have narcolepsy type 1. 

narcolepsy can cause me to sleep for long periods from time to time. This isn’t new, it isn’t frequent, but it can happen, especially if I’m overwhelmed or depressed. 
 

my husband kept coming into the guest room where I was asleep and attempting to wake me. He kept asking what was wrong. I told him I was exhausted and to please let me sleep. 
 

when I finally got up to shower he came into the bathroom while I did so. It was a bit creepy as he stayed in there the entire time I was showering. 
 

he asked me “what that was” alluding to my excessive sleeping and I told him I was exhausted and depressed. I told him I was tired of being worried sick about him not caring for himself, and it was, in turn, wearing me down. I started crying, telling him that his fits of anger, his overall health, and his marijuana use have shaken me to the point where I don’t feel like I know him and it’s just worn me down as I have faced empty promise after empty promise that he will begin caring for himself again. 
 

he raised his voice, telling me I’ve been acting like an utter “***” while he’s just trying to look out for me and I’ve been sleeping, leaving him “without his wife” while his mother is in the hospital with kidney failure.

 

he said I’m flipping everything around on him when the real issue is “why were you sleeping so much???”

he told me I was a liar, then stomped up the stairs and slammed the door to our bedroom. Apparently I have no rights to that or the bed I bought. 

 

[bmc2]

14 hours ago, Lambert said:

You deserve so much better. This guy's a mess and there's not a lot you can do but leave.

The weight gain - ok we all can fluctuate in mid age.

The other things-  completely unacceptable.

You may not consider this abuse but it is. Not everyone that is abused is hit. 

The total lack of love, respect, care for your needs is more than enough to justify leaving this guy.

$500 a month on weed! holy cow. that's a lot. This guy needs serious help, but he has to do it for himself.  You can't do anything but decide this is completely unacceptable in terms of a marriage and get an attorney.

I'm so sorry.  this is awful.

I could deal with him gaining 30,40,50, even 70. But he’s gained 160+ pounds. This isn’t a vanity issue, it is a cry for help. 

[bmc2]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please do whatever you can to begin to extricate yourself from this. Agree that fecal and urinary incontinence is quite concerning. It may seem extreme, but calling EMS would be a good idea if he defecates in  bed since he obviously doesn't take care of himself and seems oblivious. 

I confided in my mother, father, close aunt, and his best friend who has noticed the same things. My parents are willing to help in any way. I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up as well as a meeting with my therapist. He tried making me into a “***” tonight. He hates me. 

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, bmc2 said:

I could deal with him gaining 30,40,50, even 70. But he’s gained 160+ pounds. This isn’t a vanity issue, it is a cry for help. 

I totally agree. But he doesn't want help. He is beyond anything you can help.

If he wants or wanted help, you could be a supportive partner. 

But he's basically said f it to life and dragging you done with him. 

My own mother once said and I whole heartedly agree with it: "I will help someone but not to the point I harm myself". 

That is a mentally and emotionally healthy approach to everything.  The whole narrative around rescuing someone else is a nightmare that is sold as a romantic fairytale.