I’m not sure if my marriage is abusive or if I’m just depressed

[Seraphim]

Girl, this guy is above your pay grade to help. You need to leave . 

[boltnrun]

If he doesn't want to change or improve his health you cannot "make" him do so. And the fact he blames you for all of the marriage issues shows clearly he doesn't think he's doing anything to contribute to the problems.

I would strongly recommend you seek legal advice from an attorney to discuss your options. And follow through with professional help for emotional and mental support.

[Jaunty]

Of course you know that this is an  extremely bad situation.  Sharing more examples of his mental illnesses and your suffering is not helping you.  It's actually harming you.   Bringing all of the focus on him:  Look at the sick stuff he does:  this, and this, and then he said that, etc.  

You get supportive responses and I guess that kind of makes you feel okay and still there for more.

Since your family said they will be supportive in any way,  WHY are you still in that house?  I do recognize that it's difficult to make the move but you can do it.  Please just go to your family.  From there you can figure out a real plan to seperate your life from his permanently.  You can't help him obviously, and that's not on you.

[bmc2]

On 1/4/2024 at 11:08 AM, mylolita said:

This is beyond disgusting OP!

 

There was absolutely no sign of any of this behaviour before you got married? No hints of sarcasm? No bad outbursts? No bad talking others, waiting staff? No negativity or bad hygiene habits? 
 

I can hardly believe someone could take such a 180! 
 

I’m sorry this has happened, and thank goodness you don’t have kids, that’s all I have to say. You need to leave, and leave the bed by the sounds of it. It’s like you’re on a sinking ship for the ride. I’m normally all for working things through, talking it out - but I would only have the discussion with him when there is someone there with you as well, ideally another trusted man, because by the sounds of it he is very violent and volatile and, the way you’re even asking if he would, and is scared of him to the point of shaking, is when you know there is nothing good and it’s probably just a matter of time. No one who is healthy and right for you should be making you feel this way - ever!

 

I would move out when he’s not there, and go from that point towards divorce.

 

People joke and trivialise weed, but it’s a serious drug and often a gateway drug to other things as well. It causes bad mood swings and paranoia, and laziness. I had a friend who spent years smoking it from the moment he woke up and it turned him into such an arse. I feel like this is the start of a bad time for him, and he’s not a poor victim - and I don’t think you need to be along for the ride. It’s very unsafe and miserable.

 

x

No. Prior to marriage he had the sweetest demeanor and what I loved the most about him was his sense of humor and laid back attitude. 
 

he smoked weed maybe once a week, on weekends. 
 

then he got a medical card, started smoking daily, and gained weight, his personality changed and he just morphed into someone I don’t know. 

[bmc2]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Of course you know that this is an  extremely bad situation.  Sharing more examples of his mental illnesses and your suffering is not helping you.  It's actually harming you.   Bringing all of the focus on him:  Look at the sick stuff he does:  this, and this, and then he said that, etc.  

You get supportive responses and I guess that kind of makes you feel okay and still there for more.

Since your family said they will be supportive in any way,  WHY are you still in that house?  I do recognize that it's difficult to make the move but you can do it.  Please just go to your family.  From there you can figure out a real plan to seperate your life from his permanently.  You can't help him obviously, and that's not on you.

It does help, merely because I feel insane. Every time I try to tell him I’m worried, or that I am concerned, he blows up and flips it back onto me. I guess I just need confirmation that I’m not crazy, as stupid as that sounds. 

[Seraphim]

You are NOT crazy. He has a severe addiction issue with bad mental health concerns and if he is so bad that he is incontinent and manipulating and gaslighting and abusing, this marriage is beyond saving . Please please you will be so happy and free when you leave. 

[reinventmyself]

emotional abuse is often more insidious than physical abuse.  You don't have a bruise to show for it.  And very much like you've been doing, you twist yourself into thinking there must be something wrong with you.  Because after all that's the only thing you have control over.   "if you just did something, anything differently (including blaming yourself) things might change"  But without change on his part you WILL continue to do this toxic dance.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Not the same but similar, I went through it too.  It was easier to make all about myself than to admit what was going on.  Being honest and admitting to myself the truth meant I had to do something about it.  So until then we will stall as long as we can.  Walking away is never easy but often necessary.  It took quite a while but I left unemployed with two young sons.

You will get there.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I am glad you are here asking questions.  It was over 20 years I found myself posting in online forum and met all sorts of wonderful women in my position.  That and therapy help me find my way.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, bmc2 said:

Then he got a medical card, started smoking daily, and gained weight, his personality changed and he just morphed into someone I don’t know. 

Please call EMS. He is abusive, yes, but he seems to have serious physical and mental health issues that talking isn't going to help, especially incontinence, bizarre behavior and and other things you're describing. 

I knew someone who had this kind of change in behavior and it turned out to be a brain tumor.

Please get help instead of talking about diet, weed and hurt feelings while he walks in on you in the shower. You can report it to EMS as someone acting bizarre. He seems like a danger to you and himself.

Another benefit of getting officials (EMS, police,etc) involved is that you are documenting these events and generating a paper trail of this abusive bizarre behavior in the event that you need a restraining order. He's obviously quite bizarre and this is Not a do it yourself situation. 

[bmc2]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please call EMS. He is abusive, yes, but he seems to have serious physical and mental health issues that talking isn't going to help, especially incontinence, bizarre behavior and and other things you're describing. 

I knew someone who had this kind of change in behavior and it turned out to be a brain tumor.

Please get help instead of talking about diet, weed and hurt feelings while he walks in on you in the shower. You can report it to EMS as someone acting bizarre. He seems like a danger to you and himself.

Another benefit of getting officials (EMS, police,etc) involved is that you are documenting these events and generating a paper trail of this abusive bizarre behavior in the event that you need a restraining order. He's obviously quite bizarre and this is Not a do it yourself situation. 

Thank you. 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, bmc2 said:

It does help, merely because I feel insane. Every time I try to tell him I’m worried, or that I am concerned, he blows up and flips it back onto me. I guess I just need confirmation that I’m not crazy, as stupid as that sounds. 

You need to STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THIS.  He is not safe or trustworthy.  Obviously.

Clearly he is mentally ill and he needs help but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to that.  If he is not ready to or interested in getting help than he will just  live like this.  You don't have to.

[catfeeder]

On 1/1/2024 at 8:18 PM, bmc2 said:

I am scared of him.

This is all you need to know. Contact the human services department of your local hospital and ask for a referral to a counselor with a domestic violence prevention service. They have resources available to help you that are not known to the public.

You don't need to take a beating to get help for a safe exit plan. Run, don't walk.

[bmc2]

On 1/4/2024 at 12:05 PM, Coily said:

You are living with an addict. They are unpredictable and temperamental, which leads to abuse. 

 

This is the truth. 
 

When I had mentioned I shut down the other day and slept Wednesday into Thursday, I didn’t mention that I have narcolepsy. 
 

to keep it as short as I can, there are times with narcolepsy (around once a month) where I’ll just sleep for around a solid 24-36 hours. Stress, hormones and severe sleep deprivation are triggers. This isn’t news to him. 

Thursday, he began coming into the room every 30 minutes and shaking my shoulders to wake me, telling me my parents were worried about me and that it was clear I needed medical intervention. He told me that if I didn’t get up, he was going to have my mother come to our house.

when I finally got up and he asked me what was going on, I started crying, and told him he should know better by now that I have these episodes, what they’re triggered by, and that his unpredictable behavior lately was likely contributing to my stress. 
 

he immediately raised his voice at me, said I was attacking him, telling me that he had “been without a wife” for the last two nights while dealing with some tough things, and that I had just completely blindsided him. He said I was acting like a “***” because he was trying to check in on me and take care of me. 

He knows better. He knows narcolepsy can cause these episodes. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

Okay, what do you have lined up to get out of this situation?

[bmc2]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Okay, what do you have lined up to get out of this situation?

I’m slow at moving forward with anything.  So, I guess my words right now would be to bear with me. 
 

I told my aunt and my best friend everything: absolutely everything. It was hard. My best friend wanted me to “just kick him out” immediately but I can’t/wont because I want the house I paid for, and I fear his response.

My aunt has a P.O. Box for me to use and several legal contacts to consult. 

I have a safe box that he’s unaware of and the last two nights I’ve been putting things in it such as important paperwork and personal valuables. 
 

I have also packed a mini Togo bag just in case I’d need to grab something in a rush.

i changed beneficiaries on several documents.  
 

I have an appointment Monday with my therapist, and I will contact my aunts legal referrals to seek the best options safety and financial wise. 

in the meantime, I’ve been avoiding most contact or just behaving the same. It’s much much easier on the weekends because he’s baked out of his mind to the point that he grasps the rail to go Upstairs and it moves- he’s going to end up breaking it. 
after I speak with a lawyer… I don’t know. But I need to find the courage somewhere. 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bmc2 said:

My aunt has a P.O. Box for me to use and several legal contacts to consult. I have a safe box that he’s unaware of and the last two nights I’ve been putting things in it such as important paperwork and personal valuables.i changed beneficiaries on several documents. I have an appointment Monday with my therapist, and I will contact my aunts legal referrals to seek the best options safety and financial wise. In the meantime, I’ve been avoiding most contact or just behaving the same. after I speak with a lawyer… 

These are excellent first steps. Your friend is incorrect that you can "kick him out" of the marital home. You're taking a wise approach not panicking and severing and securing things setting the table to file for divorce. Definitely avoid him and act bland. Remember if he gets aggressive or bizarre, please call emergency services/police.  You can easily get further support help and information from free domestic violence hotlines. 

[bmc2]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

These are excellent first steps. Your friend is incorrect that you can "kick him out" of the marital home. You're taking a wise approach not panicking and severing and securing things setting the table to file for divorce. Definitely avoid him and act bland. Remember if he gets aggressive or bizarre, please call emergency services/police.  You can easily get further support help and information from free domestic violence hotlines. 

Thank you Wiseman. I am certainly tired from putting on a facade; it’s exhausting.

i also must keep working and it is a very busy time of year, but I do find joy in my career. I am also an oil painter so I spend a lot of time in my studio, and he doesn’t care to come up there. 
 

I have discovered that the positive of him being so stoned at night is that he doesn’t really notice lately whether I’m around or what I’m doing. He also has memory lapses. This means I can easily hide things in my safe, and go to the quiet solitude of my studio or office without him bothering me for the most part, while he smokes up our den. I’ve been keeping our cats with me in my office so he doesn’t bombard them with smoke. 
 

not that it matters, but my friend mentioned that she wondered if the significant amount of marijuana was impacting his brain chemistry to the point that he had some sort of psychosis or something going on. That’s not my wheelhouse, but considering that this is not the man I married, I imagine so. I never thought weed would be so harmful. 
 

people have asked me if it’s more than weed. If it is, I’ve never seen it. It’s not booze: neither of us drink. 

[Jaunty]

It seems like your general response to suggestions is to sort of smooth over your ongoing choice to continue your current lifestyle with this impaired, and possibly dangerous individual.  
 

Are you mostly here for venting and to catalog the details of his many dysfunctional behaviors?   
 

Do you foresee coming to a place where you’ll be ready to take action on your own behalf?  
 

I hope so.  

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, bmc2 said:

II have an appointment Monday with my therapist, and I will contact my aunts legal referrals to seek the best options safety and financial wise. 

Message your therapist ahead of time and ask whether he or she can have a referral ready for you to speak with a counselor trained in preventing domestic violence. That is a specialty--most therapists have not been trained in this specific field. Such a contact can teach you AND your therapist about the underground resources that are available to help women escape danger safely.

You may also want to contact any domestic violence helpline on the Internet for a referral to such an organization in your location.

You do NOT need to know any answers for yourself ahead of time before reaching for this type of help. They won't just wisk you away by force, You will remain in full control as you are offered options to consider.

All of the legal stuff and paper work is well and good, but it can't help YOU if he kills you first. Your number ONE priority is to get to a safe place from which to operate. The rest can be managed over time.

You need safety and time FIRST. The rest is just a distraction from getting that.

[bmc2]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It seems like your general response to suggestions is to sort of smooth over your ongoing choice to continue your current lifestyle with this impaired, and possibly dangerous individual.  
 

Are you mostly here for venting and to catalog the details of his many dysfunctional behaviors?   
 

Do you foresee coming to a place where you’ll be ready to take action on your own behalf?  
 

I hope so.  

I do need to vent; you are not wrong. But I have taken actions in the last few days that, for me, are pretty drastic. 
 

i confided fully to 2 people in my life about what’s going on, I’ve started putting documents and valuables in a safe box that he doesn’t know exists, I packed a Togo emergency bag, my aunt has offered her P.O. Box and a list of legal contacts.  
 

all of that has happened within the last 2 days/nights. 
 

I know I’m probably not coming off as doing much, but these are really big steps for me. 

[bmc2]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Message your therapist ahead of time and ask whether he or she can have a referral ready for you to speak with a counselor trained in preventing domestic violence. That is a specialty--most therapists have not been trained in this specific field. Such a contact can teach you AND your therapist about the underground resources that are available to help women escape danger safely.

You may also want to contact any domestic violence helpline on the Internet for a referral to such an organization in your location.

You do NOT need to know any answers for yourself ahead of time before reaching for this type of help. They won't just wisk you away by force, You will remain in full control as you are offered options to consider.

All of the legal stuff and paper work is well and good, but it can't help YOU if he kills you first. Your number ONE priority is to get to a safe place from which to operate. The rest can be managed over time.

You need safety and time FIRST. The rest is just a distraction from getting that.

See, THIS is where I feel crazy. When you say things like him killing me, and he’s never put his hands on me, it makes my head swirl. 
but yes, I did text my therapist and I told her the abuse has escalated, though not violent, and we need to talk about how terrified I’ve been and the steps I’ve been taking, as well as how to handle the upcoming weeks when I start speaking to lawyers. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, bmc2 said:

See, THIS is where I feel crazy. When you say things like him killing me, and he’s never put his hands on me, it makes my head swirl. 
but yes, I did text my therapist and I told her the abuse has escalated, though not violent, and we need to talk about how terrified I’ve been and the steps I’ve been taking, as well as how to handle the upcoming weeks when I start speaking to lawyers. 

Never never never ignore your survival instincts. My mother’s best friend is dead because she did this. She was shot to death by her husband. 

[bmc2]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Never never never ignore your survival instincts. My mother’s best friend is dead because she did this. She was shot to death by her husband. 

I am so sorry to hear this; so horribly sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, bmc2 said:

 I did text my therapist and I told her the abuse has escalated, though not violent, and we need to talk about how terrified I’ve been and the steps I’ve been taking, as well as how to handle the upcoming weeks when I start speaking to lawyers. 

You're taking all the right steps to extricate yourself from this. You're shifting things covertly and have enlisted the help of trusted friends and family as well as a qualified therapist and seeking legal advice because ultimately you do want to dissolve the marriage and hopefully get him out of the house. 

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, bmc2 said:

I am so sorry to hear this; so horribly sorry. 

We have learned to live with this as it happened 30 years ago. But my mom still misses her best friend so much. They were friends since I was a year old. Her friend never got to be a grandmother because she died before it happened. She died at 45 years old. She was an only child. Her mother was totally grief stricken. My brother and I miss her as well. And her own children have never been the same . 

[bmc2]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're taking all the right steps to extricate yourself from this. You're shifting things covertly and have enlisted the help of trusted friends and family as well as a qualified therapist and seeking legal advice because ultimately you do want to dissolve the marriage and hopefully get him out of the house. 

Thank you- it is appreciated. When my therapist had asked what was keeping me here I said fear of his reaction/retaliation and I don’t want to lose or leave my house. She said those were not superficial reasons at this time. And no, I don’t want to remain in the marriage. 
 

I almost feel as though I’ve been in mourning for the past year or so; for the person he used to be. I don’t think he’s coming back, and now I’m married to a stranger and I don’t wish to be.