Toxic ex won't acknowledge the hurt he caused. Wants to be friends.

[eastcoastgal]

So my ex and I are vacationing at the same spot we met years ago. The breakup was bad and he hurt me and betrayed me and has never apologized or accepted any responsibility. However, I apologized and took way too much of the blame on myself. Since then he's tried to shake my hand ... yes shake my hand .... and sent me a message on my birthday wishing me well.

I'm sorry but without an apology I cannot accept this. Am I being childish? I did not want things to end the way they did but I see that he's completely incapable of having a functional relationship. I feel like these attempts to reconcile are completely self serving.

He told me while we were in the relationship that he would be so happy for me if I found someone to make me happy. Who does that?!? Part of his psychological torture.

I'll run into him at some point. I have told him to leave me alone, but I know he will not respect that. He will say that he's happy for me to everyone and I'll end up looking bitter and jilted.

What do I do??

[eastcoastgal]

1 minute ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

Go no contact - it will slowly break the connection to him of your habits and rituals and replace them with new ideas, memories and other thoughts. It’s not easy but watch how good you feel and how different your perspective is in 30-45 days. 

It's been a year. We live in different countries and there has been zero contact. Now he's my neighbour for the next 2 months!!!

[eastcoastgal]

I keep thinking the apology will come. That he will turn sweet and see the pain he caused. The truth is, he is just a narcissist and I meant nothing to him

[eastcoastgal]

I'm not rearranging my life to avoid him. We both come here every year. Not the point

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

So my ex and I are vacationing at the same spot we met years ago. 

Is this some type of time share? Are you going with friends? Do you have other friends there? Avoid him completely. Have fun with people you're going with and meeting there.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't expect apologies. That's just trying to drag things out. Avoid and ignore. 

Is this the same man? 

 

[eastcoastgal]

2 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

It’s absolutely the point. You know what you’re doing. 

you're almost as good at avoiding the issue as he is ...

[eastcoastgal]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this some type of time share? Are you going with friends? Do you have other friends there? Avoid him completely. Have fun with people you're going with and meeting there.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't expect apologies. That's just trying to drag things out. Avoid and ignore. 

Is this the same man? 

 

Not the same

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

Not the same

That's a relief. Please delete and block him. If this is a timeshare or some type of vacation home just be with your friends and guests. Please delete and block him once and for all. You don't have to interact with him whatsoever. 

[catfeeder]

30 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I'll run into him at some point. I have told him to leave me alone, but I know he will not respect that. He will say that he's happy for me to everyone and I'll end up looking bitter and jilted.

What do I do??

The first thing I'd do for my own head is shrink this down to a minor annoyance rather than amplify it into an epic tragedy. Most people have exes, and some would describe their ex as a douchebag or some such, and people have needed to successfully cross paths with an ex in every university, workplace and town in the world, so it can be done.

I'd avoid the bitter "leave me alone!" route, because that sentences you to a whole two months of maintaining an appearance of hostile misery for no other purpose other than to be made fun of. That only tortures YOU, not him.

I've found the easiest route to be unfazed civility. If he crosses your path, you can adopt a convenient case of amnesia and simply greet him as cordially as you would a stranger. Then move on. If he corners you to speak, just let him babble, tell him, "That's very interesting. It was nice to see you..." and then move on. Rinse, repeat.

Ahead of gatherings, ask a friend or two in advance if they will help by acting as an escape hatch. This means if you approach them with a signal or you signal them when he's speaking to you, you both join one another to head off in another direction, or they can even escort you away from the event until the ride you dial arrives.

[rainbowsandroses]

@eastcoastgalall the angst, hurt, anger you feel right now, enough that you created a thread, could have been avoided had you simply chosen to spend your vacation somewhere else. 

I moved 3000 miles away from my home state, completely uprooted my entire life to avoid the risk of running into a toxic ex.  One of the best decisions I ever made. 

Here all you had to do was choose somewhere else to spend your vacation.  And yes it IS a choice.

Why didn't you?  I can't imagine you enjoy how you're feeling now, all the angst etc.?

So why?  It doesn't make sense unless you subconsciously (or consciously) want or are hoping to run into him?

Not accusing, just asking.

 

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I'm not rearranging my life to avoid him. We both come here every year. Not the point

Ok.  So you were actively planning on not only seeing him, but being next door to him for a month.

But you have told him to leave you alone.

This is extremely passive aggressive and more importantly, self destructive.   

I hope you get to a point one day where you would never consider putting yourself in this kind of miserable situation.

[boltnrun]

Sure, you have the right to vacation where you know your ex will be. I'm guessing (even if you aren't interested in admitting it) you imagined conversations with him in your head. Perhaps in these imagined conversations he apologized or even begged you to take him back. 

Reality seldom resembles fantasies. And now you're stuck right up next to him for several weeks.

I would encourage you to vacation elsewhere next time. No need to put yourself through this ever again. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Crazy to be vacationing at the same time and same place 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

He will say that he's happy for me to everyone and I'll end up looking bitter and jilted.

I highly doubt most people will care enough about your break-up to look at you in any particular way. Most folks just don't pay as much attention to these things as we fear they do. 

You can be civil if you bump into him but otherwise don't engage. That's literally all you can do. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Since then he's tried to shake my hand ... yes shake my hand .... and sent me a message on my birthday wishing me well.

He tried to say "Hi" and wish you a happy birthday? What a monster!!!

Look, its your choice whether you wont have anything to do with him. But his actions are not some "psychological torture" on you. He is just trying to be civil. Its you who is still bitter and hasnt accepted its over. Because if you did accepted it

11 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I keep thinking the apology will come. That he will turn sweet and see the pain he caused. The truth is, he is just a narcissist and I meant nothing to him

this wouldnt matter. At all.

And its fine to be not accepting to someone, especially someone who hurted us. But, you willingly go on the same spot he was on. So you will have to endure that you will see him from time to time. 

My first girlfriend lives one street from me now. She is married and has kids. We still say "Hi" when we see each other even though our break up then wasnt exactly the best. But it was years since then so you just move on. And that is exactly my point. You havent moved on. You are still bitter and think of him as some kind of a monster(which maybe he is, maybe he isnt, I wont go into that). But all of that wouldnt matter if you have moved on. Even him texting "happy birthday" to you. Because then you would be indifferent toward stuff like that.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I did not want things to end. He told me while we were in the relationship that he would be so happy for me if I found someone to make me happy. 

It seems like  you are stuck in a vacation house or timeshare in the same area? 

He's trying to be cordial. It doesn't seem like he's trying to reconcile whatsoever. It seems more like he's moved on. Why not do the same? 

 Just enjoy your friends and the people you usually go with and meet there.

[Jaunty]

18 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I keep thinking the apology will come. That he will turn sweet and see the pain he caused. The truth is, he is just a narcissist and I meant nothing to him

I think that a majority of people who are in bad relationships and / or get dumped like to think that their ex is a narcissist or has some other type of diagnosable personality or attachment disorder.   Why not step away from that.

While you're at it,  come to terms with the reality that you are unlikely to get any kind of apology.  Narcissist, just a jerk, or even a normal person with whom you clashed terribly - it's very unusual for people to come to their ex with an apology after the fact.

Even though you put yourself in this very awkward (and transparent) situation with this ex of yours, it's unlikely to play out as you would like.  And if he speaks to you and tries to shake your hand, I think that's "normal."  What else would you expect when you are staying next door to him on vacation?  

I hope you have friends there with you.  

Happy new year and please do what you need to do to leave this (and your time share or whatever it is) in your past.   It might involve therapy.

[Lambert]

Ditch this guy. Too much drama with him. 

[tattoobunnie]

I blocked a toxic next door neighbor, and you can too.  Just because you may be staying next door to each other for vacation, does not mean you need to engage in a conversation with him, other than waving.  And if he tries to approach you to talk, you say, "I gotta run!"  And just go somewhere else.  Let me guess, is this area a part of the South Shore?  Yeah, easy to avoid even if you hit up the same night life spots.  Just stay non-engaged to him. Even if he gets the hint or not, it's not your problem.

[lostandhurt]

You are expecting something he is not capable of and it will not change one little thing.  He is still who he is and you will still carry this hurt with you.

 Waiting for him to release you from all this is a fools errand.  Only you can let this go and finish healing.  Would an apology be nice to hear?  Sure but then what?  Would you magically feel better and all the hurt and memories would leave you?  No it will not.

 There used to be someone on this forum that had a signature that said something to the affect:  "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"

 This is harming you because you keep it alive, it is time to forget what he did and live a happy joyous life.  That is the best revenge of all anyways.

 Lost

[Coily]

Wanting an apology from this guy is just not practical. It's like you are clinging to some modicum of control that will never happen. That is going to hut you more in the long run than it will him. Let go.