Friends before dating??

[Dsrkwolve]

So I met a girl through a friend of mine, who was her cousin. We have been talking for about a week now. She knows I'm interested in becoming something, but after a very long conversation today, I'm confused. She told me she likes to keep things natural, she says she likes to first be friends, then become close friends that know everything about each other, and then afterwards feelings may grow. My issue is I don't agree with that, because isn't going on a date how you find out if someone is compatible with you? Also becoming close friends could take years like 3+ She said she wants to get to know me as friends I just said okay Ill work on being a good friend. Also I told her I vape and that the only reason I would stop is if I get in a relationship and they ask me to stop, I do it out of respect. She then told me she wouldn't date someone who vapes so I said alright I'll stop vaping, because honestly it isn't the best thing for me health wise plus I want to be with her, and she's like don't change unless you really want that for yourself, to which i said i really want to change for myself. We are meeting Wednesday but she it made it clear it's not a date and just two friends hanging out. What should I do to earn her trust, become that "close friend" and hopefully become something later on, or should I just block her and forget about it? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Dsrkwolve said:

. We are meeting Wednesday but she it made it clear it's not a date and just two friends hanging out. 

Are you sure you want to date someone who just wants to be friends? It seems like she is not that interested and wants to make you jump through a lot of hoops to possibly even get to dating. 

[Batya33]

I always refused to date men who wanted “friends first”. My view was it’s all intertwined. You date to get to know each other. Your intentions are potentially romantic. And potentially long term if you’re looking for that.  People who wnst fieends first often view sexual attraction and kissing and hand holding and sex if both want it as somehow negative for getting to know all about each other. I really dislike that cynical view. Also often people who are so baggage ridden they’re unavailable emotionally say “friends first “ because they’re scared of feeling infatuated and later in love. 
I already had friends and acquaintances. I was looking for a serious relationship not to hang with someone “just as friends”. I didn’t use dating sites or go to social events for singles or get set up on dates to make more friends. I’d move on if I were you and let he’d find someone with a compatible perspective. 
Edited to add. Earning trust shouldn’t be a thing. Two people who enjoy getting to know each other on dates open up at a reasonable pace over time and shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to earn trust. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Dsrkwolve said:

What should I do to earn her trust, become that "close friend" and hopefully become something later on,

What about just getting to know her and see if she is even the right match for you? 

[smackie9]

I'm gonna tell you this right now.....big....waste....of.....TIME. 

She has her way, you have your way....you are not a match. Go chase other girls. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, Dsrkwolve said:

She said she wants to get to know me as friends I just said okay Ill work on being a good friend.

14 hours ago, Dsrkwolve said:

She then told me she wouldn't date someone who vapes so I said alright I'll stop vaping,

^^If she told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge would you tell her you would do that too?

Or if she told you to stop being friends with your best friend because she doesn't like him?

Or anything else? 

I'm wondering, where did you learn that earning a woman's trust means being her puppet?

This is NOT the way to earn a woman's trust OR respect.  

It's called being a doormat and no woman wants or will fall in love with a doormat.  She may keep you around as a "friend" to solicit favors (or money) from you but she won't respect you. 

My advice is respect yourself and be your own man.  If you disagree with her dating style (friends first) wish her well, walk away and find a woman on your same wavelength.

There will be other girls, I promise you.  Unfortunately she's not it, I'm sorry. . 

 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like she doesn't want to date you. She also doesn't want to offend you and your cousin. So she's stating a policy of friendship, hoping you'll lose interest rather than try to pursue her further.

[Andrina]

Anything other than the normal pace of dating, i.e, going slow, going fast, friends first, is not in anybody's best interest. The person has issues who doesn't want to date at a normal pace. Why date someone with issues, when there are women who don't have them?

Only date women who share your dating goals/style. Don't make exceptions for alternative nonsense like this even if the woman is pretty.

[tattoobunnie]

On 12/17/2023 at 8:40 PM, Dsrkwolve said:

We have been talking for about a week now. She knows I'm interested in becoming something...We are meeting Wednesday but she it made it clear it's not a date and just two friends hanging out. What should I do to earn her trust, become that "close friend" and hopefully become something later on, or should I just block her and forget about it? 

It's code for "you're not gonna get in my pants as fast as you'd like."

I am not sure what the rush is for.  She barely knows you.  Just go have fun, and focus on just that.  Get to know eachother.  If sparks happen, it happens.  If it doesn't, it doesn't.

BTW, texting for a week doesn't count in actually getting to know anyone.  It's calculated communication that isn't real life.

[NighttimeNightmare]

She might be demisexual

and you aren’t, so find something who wants the same as you because trying to “be her friend” with the intentions and motives you have attached to it isn’t really a friend, is it? You’re a guy waiting in the wings hoping to achieve something with someone you don’t even know… the exact opposite of what she wants

 

so find someone who dates like you want to date. It isn’t her. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

She might be demisexual

and you aren’t, so find something who wants the same as you because trying to “be her friend” with the intentions and motives you have attached to it isn’t really a friend, is it? You’re a guy waiting in the wings hoping to achieve something with someone you don’t even know… the exact opposite of what she wants

 

so find someone who dates like you want to date. It isn’t her. 

Not if she says I want to date you and I only date men who will hang out platonically first.  And -somehow I bet she’d expect you to ask plan and pay. If she said I isn’t want to date you and he proceeded to try to change her mind via “friendship “ I’d agree with you. I wouldn’t assume she’s part of a minority of people who are demisexual. I’d assume she’s a typical person who doesn’t trust dating as a way to get to know if you’re potentially a good match for a serious relationship or casual dating and I wrote above what a typical mindset is of friends first. 

[ShySoul]

Contrary to popular belief, dating is not the only way to get to know someone or figure out if you want a relationship. Dating in that since is actually a relatively new idea going back around a century. There are plenty of people who are friends first and don't focus on dating to get to know each other. You just spend time together and enjoy being around each other. You don't try to make something happen, it will happen if and when the time is right. It could be a week, a month, years, or never at all. The focus shouldn't be to make something happen, it should be to enjoy each other's company and the relationship part will work itself out. 

There is also nothing wrong with someone who takes this approach. It is there style and they are entitled to it. Personally, I would rather take things slow and be friends without the added pressures that come with "dating." Dating a person can easily feel like and become a process of evaluating a person, examining them under a microscope and comparing them to some fictional list of qualities of the ideal person. You can start to pick apart things too much, feel the need to do or say something just to impress the other person. There are expectations and pressures that can just be overwhelming depending on the person. Some people may just like to step back, not worry about all that, and let things happen when and if they happen.

If you really want to earn her trust, then you do exactly as she asked. You become her friend. You give her all the time and space she needs to make up her own mind. You treat her nice and with respect as a gentleman would do. You don't focus on how to win her over, because she's not some prize to win. Afterall, wouldn't you rather she chose you because she felt comfortable enough and liked you enough as the person you natually are then because of some plan you followed? 

 

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t date someone whose view of dating was as he described. Sounds awful. I mean dating after the nerve wracking first date.  You don’t need to force or rush. That’s not healthy dating. And you don’t need to take anything slow. You get to know each other at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time. 
With rare exception I only dated men who wanted to plan and go on dates and to see if there was potential for eventual marriage. Those men already had friends. I had friends. Typically the man had a more than full time professional job like me. Plus family responsibilities like towards parents efc. And a social life.

Our purpose in dating was to see if we liked being together and had things in common like senses of humor and values plus chemistry and passion which I could tell by holding hands or by a kiss. 
Dating might include having sex right away or it might not. I typically waited months. Again no need for sexual pressure - that’s not healthy. Obviously a man dating a woman should act like a gentleman. Having sex doesn’t mean you’re not. And the woman should act like a person who is caring and reliable and thoughtful. I really dislike the notion that being a gentleman means not expressing oneself sexually or physically. As long as there are two consenting adults why not ?
Also if you take friendship seriously that also requires effort and building trust and being reliable and friendship chemistry so to speak. 
And in the old days pre dating men and women rarely were platonic friends. Not close platonic friends in the way you describe. 

[ShySoul]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t date someone whose view of dating was as he described. Sounds awful. I mean dating after the nerve wracking first date.  You don’t need to force or rush. That’s not healthy dating. And you don’t need to take anything slow. You get to know each other at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time. 

"A reasonable pace over a longer period of time" could mean dating or it could just mean friendship. It's just different preferences depending on the person. Plenty of people have been platonic friends and developed feeling later on. They have spent plenty of time together, learning about each other of the course of their friendship.

I'm not saying dating has to be nerve wracking. But for some it is. Some people are more emotional, more sensitive. Some people have overactive imaginations and magnify things in their head. Some people feel the need to act a certain way or follow certain tips. Some people are prone to fall into the unhealthy dating habits. My belief is that that the best thing is to throw out ideas of what dating should be or how you should find a realtionship and just be you, following your heart. Every person is unque and every relationship is different. For some they will get a thrill from going on dates. For others they will be happier just being friends and at some point they wake up and it's more. For some they believe you have to date lots of people. For others they connect and end up with their first love. The key is to understand yourself and what you believe in, what makes you happy. There are many paths to love, so find the one that is right for you.

Personally, I've never been interested in someone I haven't been friends with first. I don't meet someone expecting anything to happen. We are just friends who get along well. We find we have things in common, similar interests, believes, and values. Feelings gradually develop and go from there. I've heard from plenty of women, both platonic and otherwise that they have dreamed of falling in love with their best friend. So it can happen and there are both men and women who think that way. If that's not for you, have fun doing it your own way. If it is you, I can personally attest that it can be a very enjoyable and rewarding way to go.

[lostandhurt]

I have dated a lot of different types of and kinds of women and many of them told me they want to take it slow, they want friendship and romance and all kinds of variations on the theme but no one ever told me they wanted to be just friends and then see if romantic feeling arise.

 Attraction is very important as well as emotional connection.  I don't see any of that in what you wrote.  I had many women tell me they wanted to take things slow which is code for no sex for a while which is fine with me because like most men once we see a woman naked and are intimate we tend to ignore red flags because our brains get all mushy so knowing where they stood was a good thing.  Many times by the third of fourth date they made it clear they wanted to have sex which of course I said "I thought you wanted to take things slow" the answer "I changed my mind"  I am a gentleman so I didn't argue...

 My point is hang out with her and see if any sparks fly between you two.  If not then hanging around as her back up plan hoping she will warm up to you is not a good plan.  Also everything is dutch since you are just friends.  Do not pay unless you take turns while you are out.

 I will let the ladies on here chime in but if a woman needs to spend extended time with you to try and convince herself she is interested or trusts you enough to let her guard down a little to allow the possibility of romance then either she is not interest at all or she has no business dating until she unpacks her baggage.

 I am sorry but this doesn't look promising.  Good on you for quitting vaping though.  Stick to that and at least something good came out of this.

 Lost

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

"A reasonable pace over a longer period of time" could mean dating or it could just mean friendship. It's just different preferences depending on the person. Plenty of people have been platonic friends and developed feeling later on. They have spent plenty of time together, learning about each other of the course of their friendship.

I'm not saying dating has to be nerve wracking. But for some it is. Some people are more emotional, more sensitive. Some people have overactive imaginations and magnify things in their head. Some people feel the need to act a certain way or follow certain tips. Some people are prone to fall into the unhealthy dating habits. My belief is that that the best thing is to throw out ideas of what dating should be or how you should find a realtionship and just be you, following your heart. Every person is unque and every relationship is different. For some they will get a thrill from going on dates. For others they will be happier just being friends and at some point they wake up and it's more. For some they believe you have to date lots of people. For others they connect and end up with their first love. The key is to understand yourself and what you believe in, what makes you happy. There are many paths to love, so find the one that is right for you.

Personally, I've never been interested in someone I haven't been friends with first. I don't meet someone expecting anything to happen. We are just friends who get along well. We find we have things in common, similar interests, believes, and values. Feelings gradually develop and go from there. I've heard from plenty of women, both platonic and otherwise that they have dreamed of falling in love with their best friend. So it can happen and there are both men and women who think that way. If that's not for you, have fun doing it your own way. If it is you, I can personally attest that it can be a very enjoyable and rewarding way to go.

No one has to date. But asking someone to be “friends first “ because dating is so very stressful for them is an unfair burden on the other person. When I dated it was mostly to find a husband. I had friends and an intense job and platonic male and female friends and weekend nights were most often for dates or socializing with current friends or singles events.  So I wasn’t going to waste that time on a person who was so stressed out about getting to know me on a date and wanted to hang out as friends and then I’d be auditioning for a date.
it might work for some men and women who like making new friends and hanging out. But obviously they’ll talk about who they are attracted to right?  That’s what friends do. And at any time one of them can go on a date with someone else and then tell their new “friend” all about it. That sounds pretty stressful to me. . 
People who are THAT stressed out about going on a date and are able to hang out as friends and see if they are so attracted that they choose dating over fear - likely shouldn’t date. And then resume dating when they choose dating over fear. 
Also that person likely will find romantic relationships incredibly nerve wracking too - especially committing and trusting someone romantically then if it is serious all the other intertwined responsibilities. I say get to the root of this “friends first because I’m SO scared to date it’s TOO nerve wracking “ before burdening someone with this level of issues and baggage.